Husband "has to do everything" | Arthritis Information

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OK here goes my griping...my husband has been getting upset with me and my not being able to do things, he said he feels like he has to do everything.  I don't know what to say to him about this as it has been 8 years since I've had RA & Fibromyalgia, and in spite of my meds, still have a low grade flare all the time and some days it's a high level flare...Anybody have any ideas of what to say to him???  BTW I do many things around the house, but have had to have him handle the finances now as I keep messing them up when I have bad days (can't think straight enough to do anything! I'm the wrong person to answer...

During my onset I was on medical leave from my full time job but my husband still expected me to keep his business books. You should see the checkbook entries for the 2 months I was in off the charts pain and taking oxycontin round the clock. I couldn't really hold a pen so all the entries and the checks were scrawl. When I finally got under control I went back and did all my math over- HUGE ERRORS!
If it ever happens to me again I'm just going to flat out refuse.
I guess maybe if you continue to do your finances and reap the consquences of caring for them with a foggy mind your husband might see it would be better for the both of you if he just takes over. Or just explain to him that if you continue to do them that's what will happen.
Good luck - I know how you feel.
If finances are the major problem then sit with him while he does them.  Give him a sense that you're participating.  Even with Ra and PsA I try and participate in the financial end.  You should know what's going on at all times and participate however you can.  That way there won't be any surprises.  You should know where the money comes from, where it goes, and how much there is left.  That might be enough to appease him but also keep you informed.  Lindy

Well, I know my husband had a heavy load when I was really bad.  And that was only for 4 months.  I guess I can see how it can be frustrating for the one without the disease.  I think you should just tell him that you know he often carries the brunt of the load, and how much you love him for standing by you.  Some husbands wouldn't do that, but your's does.  And tell him that you hope that someday you have the chance to pamper him and care for him the way he's done for you for the last 8 years.  And what a lucky gal you are for having such a great man that would do so much for so long, and hardly ever even complain about it. :)

I do not handle the finances around here, kinda a bad thing, but I just cannot keep it all straight right now. I do not think it bothers my hubby to have to do them, because I have always told him, even before I got worse, that:
 
"It is your money, you work for it. You tend to it."
 
He works hard for the money he does bring in. He even took a 1st shift job so he could be home in the evenings, which is the worst time of day for my RA.
 
So... I just use that old line... about its his money and he needs to tend to it.
 
Now... when he starts getting overdrafts from his own errors, I try to help him out by reminding him if he deducted this or that. Or I will tell him to just deposit the money for the checks he has to write and keep the rest out. It helps him to not overdraw when he knows how much he has in his wallet. Most times he overdraws by a couple of cents!
 
My hubby has not complained in a while about much of anything. I guess because he knows I do when I can and I don't do when I can't. I hate being home all day, and not being able to do the housework I keep dwelling on because I just cannot do it right now. I have learned that when I tell hubby about how I so badly wanted to do something and was unable to do it, that he will do it.
 
Like I was telling him all last week about how I wished I could mop the kitchen floor. He said well maybe one day I would be able to. And then it rained and I flared. Then he came home and I told him of my bright idea... which was to roll the linoleum up and throw it out the backdoor and replace it
 
So, that same saturday... he mopped the kitchen floor and washed all the dishes. I told him what a good job he done and he said "That's right, because I done it. You should never expect any less than a good job."

Really try to stay involved with the finances.  There might be a situation where you have to make a judgement call regarding an emergency purchase and your husband might not be readily reached.

 

 

Oh forgot to add... My hubby keeps up with the checkbook on his laptop. In MS Money. He never liked the paper ledger. Since I showed him MS Money he has done better keeping up with it all. He now puts everything in when he sits down to get on the internet. And if I just want to see the BIG FAT 0 balance... I can just open it up and see the 0 I think just as folks need to come here and vent, occasionally family members get frustrated and need to grip a bit.  It is hard on everyone when someone in the family has a chronic illness and cannot participate the way they used to. 
 
Back in olden days when my hubby worked out of state and was only home on the weekends I know I have certainly uttered those words "I feel like I have to do everything around here" when I was a stressed out young mother!  I knew he was working hard to keep food on the table, and that he hated traveling and living in a motel, away from me and our very young children, but I was so overwhelmed by enormity of the weight on my shoulders I was able to block out his feelings in the matter.
 
Try not to be too hurt, understand that it just may be he is feeling overwhelmed right now, and maybe needs a chance to whine a bit.  Sit down and listen to what he needs to say, and try to do so with empathy for his position in this, rather than getting defensive.  I know that is VERY hard, and it would be easy to just get upset and say he doesn't understand what you are going through.  But this is a situation that is impacting both of you and you need to handle it together, understanding the difficulties you each face.
There was a time when my husband did, literally, everything from lifting me out of bed in the morning and carrying me to the bathroom, and then after toileting undressing me (and him) and getting in the shower with me. He even brushed my teeth.

However, it did not start out that way...it took educating him about RA, enlisting our PCP to assist in that education and having him speak candidly with my RD about the process of this particular autoimmune dysfunction.

Now that I am on the way to remission he remains my champion. It has not been easy nor stress-free for either of us, but we have survived and we are still extremely fond of one another.

I understand that each of us are in unique positions and I wish you the very best in yours. Nothing about this dysfunction is easy:nothing.

Cheers, Shug Well my ex-husband stood it for a couple years then found someone "healthy" who now has healthissues.

TIm, didn't mind and helpedout. During this last flare which sent me right in to loco mode besides the pian, I layed there wishing we were together then just flared some more..it was not that bad there.

Talk to him. Tell him it is not forever and that youwill both get through this. Don;t do what TIm adn I did and just said nothing, it destroyed something few people ever have in life.....talk to him.[QUOTE=Hillhoney] uttered those words "I feel like I have to do everything around here"[/QUOTE]
 
I utter those exact words while I am sitting in my bed.
 
I am just KIDDING! Hey it made me laugh.
 
But I have recently said that... probably around the beginning of the year. Then hubby looked at me all crazy and laughed and said yeah right.
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