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i wish my mom would take the time to read and understand about RA.    i have had this disease for over 22 years and she still makes me feel guilty for not visiting and doing things with her.   when daddy was a live she did not care period about me because she had someone to do things with.    there is a funeral today and she is mad because i will not go with her.  it has been storming here for a week.  and my everything hurts....   what do i do?I know what you mean.  I feel guilty all the time because as a mother of two I don't do enough cooking/cleaning etc. But ultimately it is you who is suffering.  nobody can feel your pain or what you are going through.  May be she thinks you are home too much and you need to get out more. Explain to her gently but firmly that you can not come with her this time.

 
Deep down you may have issues with your mom which you did not divulged to her yet.  If you think/feel she was not there for you when you nedded her, you may have to do so at certain point in your life.  Stress and worries are not good if you have RA. Talk to her candidly and make your peace with her.
 
You don't have to take my suggestion at all. Just trying to help [QUOTE=wonderwoman]my mom introduces me to her friends as her handicapped daughter that ought to tell you something about our relationship..... ha ha[/QUOTE]
WHAT! , That's a bit harsh and condescending.
I'll shut up now before I go off my tree, not just at your mother but the other people as well that fail to understand.
Have you pointed her to the spoon theory, copy it, laminate it, and give it to her on her birthday.
I'm sorry ww. My mom has issues too. When I told her I had RA she said that the dx was impossible because we have no RA in our family. When I reminded her that we know very little about my father's side, she said "oh well, at least you don't have lupus, that's a horrible disease". She never asks how I'm doing or shows any concern at all. She says she's had joint pain too, but she's learned to modify her activity to manage her pain. I guess that means that I'm either really stupid or just a whiner.
Anyway ww, we know how you feel. With my mom I am learning to just take care of myself and not worry so much about her oppinion of me.
Both of our mothers must be suffering from MLCS ( maternal lack of compassion syndrome). Thank goodness it's not genetic!!!!i will get copies of this wonderful spoon theory and yes she will recieve it for her birthday.    last year she gave me an old dress that she saved from when  they left me in  terra haute, IN when we were traveling and i was 5 years old.  they traveld all the way back to evansville, IN before she noticed i was not in the car.  why would i want this dress?  (not good memories) maybe i should return to her the dress along with the spoon poster!   Thanks Bodak!

I am sorry, wonderwoman.

If it were me, I would go ONLY if I was flaring really bad. Then I would in a grouchy mood, with "that look" on my face, and then to top it all off... I would mention to a few that she made me come with her.   I work as a teacher and whatever free time I have I need to rest and relax and my family just doesnt understand that.
 
You do what is right for you.  If it is going to stress you and she makes those kinds of comments it is better for you to stay at home with a good book and a nice cup of tea or coffee, your choice [QUOTE=wonderwoman]my mom introduces me to her friends as her handicapped daughter that ought to tell you something about our relationship..... ha ha[/QUOTE]
 
WW,
 
I got really nasty remarks from both my mom and my best friend shortly after I developed RA.  My mom's was "You're just going to have to suck it up and learn to deal with it.  Everybody has problems."  
 
It really hurt me.  Up to that point in time, I had been with her through 4 surgeries.  Took care of her for several weeks after each one.  She eventually met someone who had severe RA with with deformed toes.  From what I understand, the woman had sandals on and my mom questioned her about her toes.  When my mom got home, she immediately called me and we had a long talk about RA.  I guess sometimes it takes "seeing" for people to understand.
 
In my meeting with my boss last week, we were talking about how I'd been employed at IU for 28 years.  Then, he opened his mouth and said that he knew what was wrong with my wrists - carpal tunnel from 28 years of typing.  AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!
 
These posts make feel so bad for all of you and make miss my mom so much.  When RA first hit me and I was stuck in a chair for 4 months, she used to come over during the day just to sit with me.  She couldn't stand the thought of me being alone and in so much pain.  She'd get here early in the am and stay till my husband or daughter came home.  It was so good to just know she was always there for me.  I lost her this past October.  She was the best.I'm sorry linncn. My sister in law had that kind of relationship with her mom also. I see how much she misses her.
That's the kind of mom I want to belinncn... I am sorry about your mom. I would greatly miss my mom if something happened to her. She is just about the only one who "gets it", but only because she has been there since the beginning. Thanks Joonie, Leila. [QUOTE=wonderwoman]i wish my mom would take the time to read and understand about RA.    i have had this disease for over 22 years and she still makes me feel guilty for not visiting and doing things with her.   when daddy was a live she did not care period about me because she had someone to do things with.    there is a funeral today and she is mad because i will not go with her.  it has been storming here for a week.  and my everything hurts....   what do i do?[/QUOTE]

Your mom can't make you feel guilty unless you give her that power.
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