Be careful of your bre@sts. Tired Looking Dog An older,
tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. An hour
later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next
day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in
the hall and again slept for about an hour. This
continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I
pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this
wonderful sweet dog is and ask if
you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a
nap.' The next
day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives
in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. Can I come
with him tomorrow? A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. Cathy Marie...
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my b00b in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor b00b was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless t i t!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And, see how THEY come out!
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
IF MY
BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a
car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting
a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out
of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as
graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in
the best of weather .
My whitewalls are stained with
varicose veins.
It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the
worst of it --
Almost
every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....
either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires.
How many online forum group members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.
306
to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ".
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 ex-hippy to philosophize about how life would be vastly better if the light bulb did not exist.
1 environmentalist/pseudo-scientist to expound on how the light bulb has contributed to global warming.
2 to blame the president of the U.S. for the price increase of light bulbs because he has friends in the light bulb industry.
2 to call the invention of the light bulb a whacko liberal conspiracy.
1 to threaten to sue the forum operators for operating a forum where he
can be personally abused "for making politically inconvenient postings
about the tremendous problems burned out light bulbs have become".
6 to comment on the proper disposal of said light bulb, . . errr lamp.
1 warning that the lamp has possible mercury in it.
8 to claim it's a hazard to society.
1 wants said mercury for a school project purpose.
1 perv to post a picture of the lightbulb stuck somewhere other than a socket
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
<>
home for dinner
one evening.
He was impressed by the
way his buddy preceded every
request to his wife with
endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years
and,
clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned
over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful
that after all these
years, you still call your wife those
loving pet names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to
tell you
the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind
about
10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask
the old bitch what it is?
I could tell from his collar and
well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly
came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into
my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell
asleep.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine,
and liquor section One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but
that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She
picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our
hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a
package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'
__________________________________
'Wooden Leg Insurance'
Always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others!!!
A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland , from Ontario .. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was ,000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him 00.00 in Ontario! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is .00.*
________________________________
A very popular Scots lady dies in Glasgow and her old widower wishes to tell all his friends at once, so he goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary for ma late wife. " The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old man replies "£1" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok. " So the old man writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Isobel Reid Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old man to write a few more things. The old man ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Isobel Reid Parkheid died. Ford Escort for sale"
_________________________________________
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints
_______________________________________
An old man goes into a pharmacist to buy some Viagra 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
' I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist ' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
' I am 96 ' said the old man ' I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
________________________________________
I had been taught, "Housework is a woman's job," but one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table was set. She was astonished!! It turned out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who worked full-time and then had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex." The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that ., Ralph was too tired."THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS.
THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS
TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT
THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID " LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.
WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND
WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN
THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE
WE WALK?"
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car
With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At
Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't
Disguise Your Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,
ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine
Addictions, Switch to expresso.
5. In the memo field of all your cheques, write
'for marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how
many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream, 'I
Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running toward
the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!
They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of
You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE
FITTING ROOM IS.
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming
'Pick me up..'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you'. Pick me up then, kiss me and
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I
will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said??
I said, 'Kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
With age comes wisdom.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he tu rns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tel l on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).
The v et took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. ... . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: 0.
One cage: .
Trip to the vet: .
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the s tory: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs
2nd
woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.
How'd you die?
1st
woman: I froze to
death.
2nd
woman: How horrible!
1st
woman: It wasn't so
bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd
woman: I died of a
massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the
den watching TV.
1st
woman: So, what
happened?
2nd
woman: I was so sure
there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I
kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted
that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st
woman: Too bad you
didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
PRICELESS!
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'2'.
She then took my blood pressure and told me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream'. When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact
lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always
popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but
without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the
man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying
to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!)
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his
hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that
evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or
what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused
her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to
side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!
Airline
Announcements?
United
Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On
landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have. '
*************************************
'There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane'
*************************************
An
airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them
a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane.
She
said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said
the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were
we shot down?'
***************************************
As
the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After
a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a
landing like that.'
*************************************
Another
flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*********** **************************
Overheard
on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy
and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your
seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!'
***********************************
'Your
seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water
landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As
you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses......except for that gen