Spouse sick of my pain | Arthritis Information

My husband of two years told me that he resents me talking about my pain "all the time". I am so hurt. My pain level is a 5 or 6 all the time. I limp and bought myself a cane today (so I wouldn't have to lean on him). Figurately and literally. He says that he's sick of hearing about it and that is why he is tuning me out. Doesn't listen. Ignores me. How do I get over the hurt? I have RA and fibro. I take a ton of meds and supplements.Hi Sher,

I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I went thru something similar, except my hubby never really told me he was tired of hearing about my pain, he just ignored me or did not hear what I said.

It took me a while, but I have not been telling my hubby about my pain or anything else RA or fibro related. I just realized that he knows when I am not doing well, and when I am doing well. My hubby gives me my meds, because I have a hard time opening my bottles. So... he knows just how much pain I am in when he gives me my pain meds and muscle relaxers.

The way I got over it, was mostly to be spiteful, you know like not tell him anything just to be mean. But that is all he ever wanted anyways... so it was more of good thing for me to think like that. And since then... I do not complain as much. Only when I am REALLY REALLY in pain and I am just tired and want to go home or not go anywhere else.

I hope you can get pass it all, and find another way to communicate your pain and problems to your hubby.

Hi Sher, I'm not sure I know how to answer you, but I want you to feel listened to here...

This is a good place to let out some of the need to tell about pains and frustrations.

Read what we all write and you will see. If you see OT, that means "off topic" so it isn't about RA, it's just a fun distraction from medical stuff, which you may or may not be interested in. There are a couple of treatment specific topics too that say AP (antibiotic protocols) that you can read if you are interested. I never go on those because I don't take antibiotics and have no problem with those who do, so I'm not for or against it. You can read as far back as you want, but be careful, you can end up on your computer for hours if you do that. I generally just pop in and out 1-3times a day to check in on current postings. If I don't for a few days, I have to restrain myself to just glance at titles I missed and try to resume again on the day I return.

I've found this to be a great resource for support, information, opinions, suggestions and all from ordinary, friendly people with similar RA issues who can really relate to you.

Maybe this kind of support will help you let off steam about your pain so you don't feel so full up of frustrations by the time your husband comes home from work. It should help at least a little in that regard. If not, there are in-person support groups you can physically go to instead.

CathyMarie

I agree Sher- please come here to talk about your RA. We are all willing ears. This is the only place I really talk about mine. I got the same reaction as you at home even though he likes to talk about his aches and pains constantly. If I ever comment back - yeah I hurt in such and such a place too he shouts- YOU WIN! So I just listen without comment to his and I don't talk about mine.

Welcome!
Yes I guess after awhile its like being nagged at. I dont talk to anyone about my pain. My hubby just looks at me and walks away even when I am in tears. Even if he would just hold me it would make it better but he doesnt so ok I sit in my room alone alot of time with my computer and tv and do my own thing. He sits in livingroom and watches his tv hell he even sleeps in the recliner every night. I guess I keep him up because I am up and down all night. Even my mother when I tell her something hurts she always has something that hurts worse so I dont talk to her either, She asks me all the time when am I going to come do things around her house for her(vacunm etc) I cant even get things in my house done let alone hers. So any way find a friend or someone to just have conversation with and to laugh with it makes the pain better and life better. Sometimes when it is really bad if someone just talks with me in conversation it helps me get my mind off of it. So find a friend or get on here and type it hel;psThis is my second marriage and the second time arounds the charm; I assure you! Just kidding....but for me it's been true. I often felt like i was a bother to my first husband. I think maybe because my second husband went into things half expecting the bad but my first husband didn't expect it. It was harder for him to deal with. He wasn't cruel like your husband seems to be....but he was certaily less than supportive like my second husband is.

He's amazing and he's been through the good and the bad with me and keeps surprising me with his kindness. I often struggle with guilt from leaning on him too much....but he never makes me fell that way; I do it to myself.

The best I can advise you is learn to tough it out and put on a strong face even when you don't feel like it. It's likely just going to cause more distance between the two of you....but that will be greatly his own fault.

Hang in there and keep coming back. We've all faced that and more and you'll learn to count on support from other places. Welcome to AI.

Thank you, ALL OF YOU! It helps to hear/read what you've said. This is my second marriage and in the next two months we are supposed to move from California to Florida (where his family is)! Now I am re-thinking the move and even the marriage. I don't know what to expect long term. I don't know how I will be. If I get worse, I know what he'll be thinking. I feel like a dog who goes away by itself to die. I bought myself a cane today (been dreading it). It's so that I can stand on my own, figuratively and literally. I am 48 with two kids. Hub was never married before with no kids. Starting to think he's just too selfish for me. When I met him I was fine (3 years ago). Then I thought my aches and pains were "just old age".I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and not having a supportive husband. Have you been married long? Do you have family in California? RA really puts you through the wringer. Plays on your emotions as strongly as it wreaks havoc in your body I think. I hope you find a way to deal with things. It's difficult- I know. SherD, I am so sorry for your pain emotionally and physically. This disease is such a bitch, it comes and goes, it stays and stays, it wears you down. When it's not going well your emotions are all over the place. I've been married nearly thirty years, and my husband has been great. But there's always that nagging in the back of my head that I don't want to complain too much, to let the disease define me every waking moment. Like others have said, this site is great because you can carry on and let it all out, and there is complete understanding.

I think your cane is a good thing. Whatever helps you have to use. It will also help others see that something is wrong, another problem with RA because one day you might be okay, the next hurting bad, and I hate to talk about it because I don't want to wear my family and friends down. Even when they ask how I'm doing I hesitate to actually say!

It sounds like you're married to an immature person who is causing you to re-evaluate the relationship. Big decisions to be made, but life is full of them. Like the advice columnists say - are you better off with or without him? The upcoming move gives some urgency to your decision too. Good luck.The stress of an uncomfortable marriage also adds to your health problems. RA is so closely tied to our emotions. Would your husband be willing to go to counciling? That may help him understand what life with a chroniclly ill wife is going to be like and may also help you both decide if you want to move forward with the move.

Being far away from family and friend will be another added stress on you. I'm not suggesting divorce....single life with RA is no fun either and none of us can determine how bad things are for you but a charished friend of mine said to me at the beginning of my heart breaking seperation from my first husband, she said "I'd rather be single than wish I was" and that so perfectly described the way I had felt for years and it was like a light bulb went off and that's when I finally accepted that my life needed to go in a different direction. It wasn't easy.....but in the end it was the best thing for me.

I hope things can be worked out for you and your husband. Divorce is always hard.....no matter what the situation is.

Good Luck to you.