I'm a mess | Arthritis Information

 

I feel like such a burden. I am a source of stress and an emotional drain. I don't have anyone physically here that I can depend on other than my husband and my dependence on him is taking a toll. There's only so much a person can take. I just feel horrible about myself and I can't stop crying. I'm sick of being sick!!! RA is ruining my life!!!! I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh Mel.......  I am so sorry you're feeling this blue.. and yes, it is ALL because of the disease...   YOU aren't the burden at all.. I"m sure your DH doesn't feel that way at all.. I told my husband once that I felt similar to how you're feeling now.. and he said:  a bad day w/ you is better than a good day w/ anyone else... and I'm sure your DH feels the same way!! 

It s a rough patch you're trying to get through and the damn briars are grabbing at you every chance they get.....

hang in there.. come here.. bitch to us.. we will gladly listen... save your DH's ears for something he can actually help with.. Men are fixers..... when they can't fix, they become frustrated and overwhelmed....  he can't fix RA..... and that is something that will bother him ....... so..... you bitch here... and we will commiserate and we understand....  We can't physically help but we are here for you.

"Babs has it right! "

Now and then my other-half, my husband, will share with me how helpless and frustrated he felt when he couldn't do anything but support me when I was dealing with the worst RA handed me.  We are here and we understand that the pain and limitations of not being able to do all the things you could before make you feel like a burden. *Gentle Hugs*
My poor husband is so tired - he is physically, mentally and emotionally drained. And this is all because of ME. I am the root cause of his suffering. All I keep thinking is that if I leave for a while, he'll be able to focus on himself and do the things he wants to do and sleep and not have to worry about me or baby boy. He can just be by himself. My best friend keeps telling me running away is not the way to fix this problem. I tell her I'm not running away, I'm just giving him space. If I'm not with him, he won't be so tired.

 

we can only be sorry for things we've done........

 

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time Sweetie. Sometimes even husbands have bad days and break down and take it out on us. Maybe that's all it is. I'm sure he'll probable feel bad about the things he says. Try not to get over whelmed by his frustrations. I can only imagine how difficult things are for some of our caregiveres. If I've said it once I've said in a million times- the emotional effects of this disease are worse than the physical... Thank you, everyone, for all your kind words and the virtual hugs. I really appreciate it.  I've been on both sides of this issue.  I've been the burden, and I've been married to the burden.  Luckily not at the same time!  When DH was incapacitated after his heart attack, there were days when I was frustrated as hell.  I was scared, I was lonely, I was mad... but those days were not very frequent.  And on the flipside when I went through my bad time, there were certainly days when he was at his wit's end trying to work full-time and deal with my issues as well as our two toddlers.  For the most part though, we managed to work things out and still had a reasonable amount of fun doing so!  One thing that really helped us was a few months' worth of counseling with a psychologist who specialized in helping folks with chronic/debilitating illnesses. Awwwww Mel  Mel, I remember feeling just the way you do.  My husband would be at work all day doing his job and then have to come home and do all of mine.  Cooking, laundry, cleaning.  Not to mention kid duties.  It feels bad to be in that situation.  And I guess it can be hard for our spouses to have to deal with all of it, but that doesn't mean they want out.  It just means it's hard right now.  His life has changed too, and like you, it was in a way he didn't expect.  I think he hates your disease (don't we all?) and he hates seeing you suffer, and at times he probably hates the added responsibility.  But he loves you, and I think that he wouldn't trade you for ten "normal" wives even if he could.  They might not have RA, but they also aren't the woman he loves. 

Mel,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I don't have much to add because you have rec'd some good advice and support.  This disease is relentless and makes us question everything from ourselves to those who love us.  Hang in there!

Phats

 

Mel,  I wish I had some magic advice that would make you feel better and help the situation.  The only thing I can stress is communication.  Sit down and really think about how the two of you communicate.  I've had to do that several times in the last ten years, rethink the whole situation, put yourself in their shoes and do it objectively.  You may have already done this many times over.  I think counseling is a good option and could really help you both.  The one time I was involved in counseling was when my son was very ill with a chronic illness.  We joined a psychologist moderated chronic illness group for parents with children of chronic illness.  It was the best move we could have made.  I know counseling can work in these type of situations and if possible do it.  Thank you guys so much. This advice means the world to me! I really do think counseling would help. I had no idea there were counselors who specialized in people with chronic pain. I know my husband loves me and he does everything he can for me. It must make him feel helpless that he can't take the pain away. Sometimes I tolerate the pain and bite my tongue to not mention it because I feel all I do is complain. But then, he assumes I'm doing better. (I wish!) He's told me in the past when I've mentioned my struggle during the day that he could not imagine being in my shoes. And I responded back that I couldn't imagine being in his. He has two full-time jobs. I know he's tired and I'm going to do my best to make that better. I just want him to be happy... and I want him to be happy with me. Look for some ways around the house to reduce workload.  When making dinner, cook extra portions and freeze them for another night.  Get a (6+ quart) crock pot if you don't already have one, and use that for making dinner.  You can get 2 or more nights' worth of dinners with about 15 minutes of effort!  Maybe once you find a few like-minded souls, you can get together occasionally and have make-ahead dinner parties, so everyone gets a variety of meals.  Instead of constantly washing, drying, putting away regular tableware, use paper plates.  I made the switch a few years back and it really does make a difference in the work to be done in the kitchen.  We're just now starting to eat regularly on the "real" plates, as I now have more time for household stuff.
I don't know what your financial situation is - but can you hire a maid service, even once a month to do a thorough cleaning?  It's much easier to maintain a clean house than it is to clean a disorganized/dirty house (I speak from experience!!!!).

I wish we could hire a service! That would be awesome. Maybe I could get them to cook, too. haha   We have a crock which is currently full of chili. Next in will be chicken and dumplins. We also get a lot of salads and chicken for ceasars. I'm thinking paperplates would be cool. I'll run that by DH. I've decided to tackle cleaning one room at a time. Seems to work easier that way and I don't run the risk of kicking myself into full flare mode by doing it like that. It's just hard to find that balance between just enough and too much. Still learning and everyday is different.

Ally, I'm sorry you're experiencing the same type of crisis along with me. I hope things get better for you soon. The girls on this board are the best!

Definitely get some paper plates - you don't have to use them all the time, you know. thanks mel we will get there together,and yes the people on here are very nice i just stumbled on this site never new it exsisted before now.there is a light at the end of the tunnel we are just not seeing it just now but we will have to keep posative.hugs to all.xxxxxxjas can i ask how many fish oil caps do u take per day.i have just started taking 4  1000milg caps a day my doctor sadi to take up to 10 caps a day,with all the other meds im taking its an awful lot plus they are like horse pills lol i find it hard swallowing them. [QUOTE=Ally Bird.]jas can i ask how many fish oil caps do u take per day.i have just started taking 4  1000milg caps a day my doctor sadi to take up to 10 caps a day,with all the other meds im taking its an awful lot plus they are like horse pills lol i find it hard swallowing them.[/QUOTE]

The important thing is not the number of capsules, but rather the omega-3 content of them.  Research seems to indicate that a dosage of 3 grams or more per day of omega-3 EFA is needed to obtain benefit for RA.  The capsules I take have 750mg combined EPA + DHA omega-3 EFA's per capsule.  I normally take 6 per day (3 in the AM and 3 before bed), for a total of about 4.5 grams omega-3's per day.  Regular fish oil capsules usually have around 300mg each, so you would need at least 10 per day in order to start seeing any benefit.  In addition, I always take enteric-coated capsules.  They break down in the small intestine rather than in the stomach.  This has couple of benefits: it helps prevent stomach upset that some experience from taking regular fish oil capsules, and the fish oil doesn't get degraded in the harsh environment of the stomach.

Do make sure you keep your doctor and pharmacist informed of any supplements you take - including fish oil.  Like anything else, they have potential for adverse reactions and interactions with other meds.
CoMel, is there a support group for people with RA? Or failing that, people with chronic pain? I think that it would be much easier to find some friends, folks to share your burdens with other than your husband, if you're looking among those who know where you're coming from. You need an emotional outlet other than him, sounds like. I agree with taking things one room at a time in cleaning, and when you can making meals ahead, to take away some of the dependency on your husband. I hear you when you say RA is ruining your life, but it's a fact of your life, and don't let it swamp you. One thing about this particular disease is it ebbs and flows, just hang in there and wait for the better time to come along. It will.Mel, Paper plates are a great idea, my husband also makes sure we have plastic silverware and cups too...and I also keep some of the throw away tin pans to bake in so when I get done I can just throw them away..also I dont know if anyone else does this but when I vaccum I take my computer chair and roll around in it and vaccum..sure makes it easier for me...hope you get to feeling better, my thoughts and prayers are with you [QUOTE=armymom]Paper plates are a great idea, my husband also makes sure we have plastic silverware and cups too...and I also keep some of the throw away tin pans to bake in so when I get done I can just throw them away..also I dont know if anyone else does this but when I vaccum I take my computer chair and roll around in it and vaccum..sure makes it easier for me...hope you get to feeling better, my thoughts and prayers are with you[/QUOTE]

Oh I forgot about the vacuum.  We have a Roomba (disc-shaped robotic vacuum cleaner).  I don't use it so much since we got rid of most of the carpeting, but wow what a time (and back!) saver!  It goes under beds and furniture with no problem, it won't throw itself down the stairs, and it amuses cats and kids alike.  Our boys named ours "Spot."

As an added bonus the Roomba's brain can run Linux, it's easy to hack, and it's a great platform for learning about robotics.Mel, Oh yeah, Mel,  how are you feeling today? Each day can be different, you are not doomed to having yesterday repeated, every day, forever. Whenever you feel alone and overwhelmed, re-read all the lovely support, advise, and caring you've received here... and feel free to post again for more. I'm beyond drained and in pain. Sorry, I wish I had better news for you guys. I'm trying to hold out as long as possible before giving in to the vicodin. On second thought, I'll go ahead and take that after I'm done here. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. You know, I pushed myself to do more than I knew I should and now I have to pay for it. I'm the one that has to suffer through the pain. All this makes me do is realize how RA is controlling what I do and the limitations it imposes. (Cover your ears) f**king bastard!! Ugh!! I hope I can shake this funk soon because I hate feeling miserable about myself. I'm throwing such a freaking pity party and you know what? I don't even get streamers or balloons!! Where's my cake?! I know pain is inevitable with this disease, I'm just sick of suffering. I really, really hope this new doc fixes me up!!  Mel, Lev is right, get angry with your RD... or at least get a solid game plan from him.  You have lots of treatment choices that actually address the disease, not mask the pain.  Don't leave his office until you have one!  You deserve better. 

I hope your day goes better and you are able to get a leg up on the pain!  Hummmmmmmming...

CathyMarie, I LOVE this!  Smart lady!!!
[QUOTE=     Each day can be different, you are not doomed to having yesterday repeated, every day, forever.  waddie2009-05-30 11:28:56I can certainly empathize with you Mel. I go through the same feelings as you, only my daughter is my "burdened one". She is only 24 and doesn't quite grasp the level of pain with RA. I guess because she has never had any serious pain. I don't think she understands RA either; and I seriously doubt if she wants to understand it. (She's a "bury her head in the sand ostrich".)

I constantly struggle with how many things I can ask her to do for me before she gets tired of being a care taker. I do a lot of stuff I shouldn't do or tackle more than my body can handle because I don't want to burden her. Sometimes I just let it all go because I just simply can't do anything. My house will get cleaned when I can do it.

Take heart in knowing that your situation could indeed be worse. I used to have pity parties all the time when I had my significant other living with me. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with ALS last November and had moved back to his parent's house by Christmas. He is near the end of his battle with ALS now and I can't even climb the steps at his parent's house to go see him. Not that it matters, since we (his parent's and I) have recently had a falling out over his continued financial support of me. Which has ended, by the way...leaving me broke, bills up the wazzoo and rent being due in 2 days. Not looking for pity here; just stating the facts. So, my point was...be happy for what you have. No one knows when the most important parts of our lives will change or be snatched away from us. How I wish I had my sig. other here again. Does a clean rug, dirty dishes or undone laundry mean that much in the big picture? I think not! I think the important thing is that your hubby is still there and loves you. Those dishes and crumbs and laundry will be there when you get back to them; no matter how long you ignore them.

On a side note...I do the computer chair vacuuming too!  Mel  Remember for better or worse?  My RA ruined my marriage.  It went from a blissful marriage to an abusive one all because of my RA.  He felt that he had been "ripped off" because I got sick.  He started drinking and lost his job.  I kicked him out finally.  It was hard as I felt so dependent but you know after he left, I got better.  Feeling a burden will only make you sicker.  You would be there for him.  See if you can get an aide.  The state provided me one.  But remind him - this is a fickled disease and you can get better.  I did.  If he wants to be in it for the long haul - its not easy but you are worth it and he will be a better person for it and you will have a stronger marriage.  It is up to him.  Plz quit blaming yourself.  Having RA is enough to deal with - you didn't ask for this disease.  Big hug and peace of mind is what you deserve. PS  Take the pain pills.  I got off them rather quickly when my pain receded but I could not have coped without them and less pain - you can do more.roxy2009-05-31 13:26:35[QUOTE=JasmineRain] [QUOTE=Ally Bird.]jas can i ask how many fish oil caps do u take per day.i have just started taking 4  1000milg caps a day my doctor sadi to take up to 10 caps a day,with all the other meds im taking its an awful lot plus they are like horse pills lol i find it hard swallowing them.[/QUOTE]

The important thing is not the number of capsules, but rather the omega-3 content of them.  Research seems to indicate that a dosage of 3 grams or more per day of omega-3 EFA is needed to obtain benefit for RA.  The capsules I take have 750mg combined EPA + DHA omega-3 EFA's per capsule.  I normally take 6 per day (3 in the AM and 3 before bed), for a total of about 4.5 grams omega-3's per day.  Regular fish oil capsules usually have around 300mg each, so you would need at least 10 per day in order to start seeing any benefit.  In addition, I always take enteric-coated capsules.  They break down in the small intestine rather than in the stomach.  This has couple of benefits: it helps prevent stomach upset that some experience from taking regular fish oil capsules, and the fish oil doesn't get degraded in the harsh environment of the stomach.

Do make sure you keep your doctor and pharmacist informed of any supplements you take - including fish oil.  Like anything else, they have potential for adverse reactions and interactions with other meds.
[/QUOTE] JASMINE THANKS FOR THAT LOOKS LIKE I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE THE 10 A DAY TO GET THE BENIFIT.MEL I HOPE U FEEL JUST EVEN A SMIDGE BETTER TODAY AND AS THE OTHERS SAID HAVE A GO AT UR SPECIALIST,IM GOING TO DO IT WITH MINE AS I THINK HE HAS BECOME COMPLACENT WITH ME AS IV BEEN SEEING HIM FOR A VERY LONG TIME.TI SEEMS TO BE MORE OF A SOCIAL VISIT THAN A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT AND IM IN PAIN SO HE IS GIONG TO GET IT. SO HAVE A GO AT URS TO I HOPE IT WORKS AND THINKING OF U.STAY STRONG.How are you doing today????  Hope you are feeling better.I'm surviving, thanks for asking! The antibiotic that I'm on is kicking my butt. I have to take it twice a day and it makes me puke. Good times, let me tell ya. I went to my RD appointment... and the doc wants to wait until she gets records from my old RD and labworks back before we talk about adjusting or changing my meds. She also wants me to schedule an appointment with a PCP cause I need a regular one. She didn't exactly inspire joy-joy feelings in me. Also, I asked about a patch on my wrist that's discolored. It's a product of the cortisone injection - hyperpigmentation that will never go away. So now I have this weird lighter patch of skin on my wrist and you know what? That cortisone injection didn't even help when I had it!! *sigh* PS - I'm sorry I haven't really been responding on other threads. Hi Mel, pack up your mess, come on over, and we will sit in the garden and watch the clouds change shapes.

I am glad to know that you are surviving and hope you feel better soon.

Cheers, Shug
Hey Mel!  I how soon do you go back to new RD?  I hope you can get a program going there soon!  Good idea on the PCP.  I believe it is important to have a strong one!  I think of them as the 'directors' in the overall health program, the go-to guys/gals!  With this disease, it is easy to think everything is RA related.

I hummmmm that everything keeps getting better and better for you!  You are a strong woman to pack up and go somewhere where you have no support system (other that DH and us, of course!) and a little one to care for, especially with a chronic illness!  You hang tough Mel!
Hey Mel, getting a PCP is a really good idea. Mel,
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