Question on how you would feel | Arthritis Information
How would you feel if someone tried to compare your pain to that of the pain Jesus went through?I would laugh out loud... and maybe ask them if Jesus would go around comparing his pain to others' pain
That is a good one. Will have to try it next time I am compared. It actually made me feel really sad & appalled that someone who I have NEVER spoke of my pain, problems or even much of my health to, to compare my insignificant pain, problems and health to that of what Jesus went thru.
I repsonded with... "So are you trying to say God gave me this disease because he does not love me, like he does you?"
I was really more appalled that the person even use Jesus being nailed to a cross and flogged and beaten and speared to my own problems. I would never think mine is anywhere near that. And yet... this person of whom I never spoke to about any of this EVER was.
My FIL just said RA was my own cross to bear, whatever that means. Was too upset and appalled by the other persons comments to even ask him what that meant. I guess my mommy would know. Need to remember to ask her when I see her tomorrow.
joonie2009-06-15 18:15:15Joonie, why even be bothered about it. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter. What matters is how you deal with the pain and your family. Apparently if you haven't spoken to them before about RA and the pain then it's someone who isn't part of your life and as far as I'm concerned they don't deserve a response from you. Ignorance is everywhere. I don't know what to say about your FIL's statement.........Maybe the next time he complains about something he should be reminded that it's "his cross to bear". Lindy
It was not FIL. It was hubbies Grandpa.
I have had a lot of anger towards him for about 3 weeks now. And am having a hard time letting this go. Mostly because I only had hubby to talk to about it, and my mother. And well... they just keep telling me to let it go, and I just for some reason refuse to let it go. Hubby says for to just tell his grandpa to F-off, and my mother says to ignore and forgive him. I have always followed my moms advice, but this time I am having a hard time doing so. Because there was a lot more to that conversation than the above and I refuse to just let it go.
I am to the point that I just plain out refuse to let Grandpa come over and eat dinner with us at our house. I have over looked and over looked a lot of his comments and how he thinks I need to be. But that was the last straw. Everytime hubby tells me he invited Grandpa over dinner... I say GREAT! Just GREAT! with a few choice cuss words woven in and out of Grandpas name. YEAH! I now have a deep hatered for him and well... that is not a good thing for him at this point. I am really trying to be nice to him and not cussing him out and telling the old man how I feel, because it would only hurt him. It would not help either of us.
I am telling you this last 6 weeks has really messed with me mentally. I think my mind has broken. I am to the point of not caring of if I will hurt others feelings or trying to take what they say to me as it is just their ignorance.
I mean how damn ignorant must you be if you see a 29 year old walking around all leaned forward and barely walking and needing to wait for someone to help them get off the couch day in and day out. And with a face of pain everytime you see them? Or if you pick up their darvocet bottle and ask whos it is and ask what is in it and what you need it for. Or that just not so many months ago the same person was telling strange people how bad off you were and how misrable you must feel being like that all the time. Or asking you if your kids will likely get your "arthritis" and that they hoped they did not so they did not have to go thru life like I have.
Yeah... saying people are ignorant is starting to wear pretty damn thin with me at this point. Let's put it this way... you cannot teach an old set in his way dog new tricks.
I am to the breaking point. I never harbored such a grude as this in a very long time, I mean years, and it will not end pretty.
joonie2009-06-15 18:43:54I would try not to take what he says personally, joonie. Older folks are funny. Not in the haha way, but the strange way. There is some unwritten law that once you pass your 65th birthday, you get to say whatever you want ...however you want.
I agree with Marie, Joonie. You can't take it to heart, it just isn't worth it.
I think one of the most important things I have learned here is that no one can truly understand anyone else's pain. Even when people have similar illnesses, there are always differences in pain levels, and many reasons for the differences. You have RA and fibro, which are two diseases which Grandpa doesn't have in his "database" and never will.
But, it is also possible that Grandpa has issues which no one else understands. I don't think any of us will understand what it's like to be old and face the challenges that it brings until we are there. Just as we ask others to forgive us when we say things we shouldn't because we are sick and having a bad day, we should also do the same for folks like Grandpa. We don't know what's behind those nasty remarks.
Now on a somewhat related, but funny note, I want to tell you about one of my mother's latest "Grannyisms". She often gets words confused (kinda like Foster Brooks used to in his comic routine for you old farts like me).
So the other day she told me that the best thing she has found for cleaning her white plastic patio chairs is ---OXYCONTIN. She mixes it up and sprays it on the chairs and they shine so pretty and white. . .
If you haven't figured it out yet, she meant to say Oxyclean!
I cannot keep him out of my house. We feed him dinner thru the week, otherwise the old man would strave. And if I did, I would feel bad, because I know he is not eating.
PLUS, I would still have to see him on Fridays & Saturdays at the in-laws house. Which is where this all took place. MIL was at work. If she was home she would have gotten upset and told the old man off for me. Hubby did not do it, because he finished eating and went to watch tv in the livingroom.
Oh... Grandpa causes me MUCH grief. He takes things out on me, because I am an easy target. I have no say so he thinks. If he upsets me, and not hubby or MIL he will still get his dinners thru the week and weekends. So... he takes it all out on me. And I am SICk OF IT! Yet I still cannot do anything about it, except tell the old man off, and I just cannot do it... yet. I will not do it, not because I am afraid of pissing others off, but because I was not brought up to back talk and disrepect older people. But it is almost to an end in that respect. He does not deserve it.
Oh and did I mention he that he also said he has knee pain and hand pain, but he still goes and does the brown bag deliveries for his church once a month? And that he does not need pain meds of any kind to be able to do it? Hahaaa... Hillhoney. I bet that patio furniture was high as a kite and pretty to boot!
Joonie; I know you don't want to hear it again....but let it go. It's not helping your own mental state to carry around the anger toward this old man. I have to agree with Marie too. Once these old folks get to a certain age they just say the first thing that pops into their minds no matter who's feelings they hurt or how inapproprate it may be. Truth be told you will likely cause more trouble in your marriage than anything else with your hatred for the old guy. That's his Grandfather and obviously he loves him. Just learn to tune him out, sit in one place and keep your complaints to yourself when he's around. AND for crying out loud; keep your pain meds put away. Who leaves their pain meds sitting out in the living room when they have children around anyway? That's just dangerous. Keep your things put away in an upper cabinet or better yet your bathroom cabinet. Your company shouldn't have access to your prescription bottles in the first place. You're right, it's none of his business who's taking what. If he didn't see them he wouldn't ask questions about it.
I think you're looking for trouble by continuing to ask so childish about something your husbands Grandfather has done to "upset" you.
Oh... no, not childish. After hubby found out what he said to me, hubby did not invite him over for dinner for the whole next week after that Friday. That was his punishment. I still had hubby take his grandpa food, though. And I bought his cat can cat food.
My hubby just sees his grandpa as a crazy old man. But when hubby says something that pisses off grandpa... I become the target for grandpas anger. I can just be minding my own business and not bothering anyone and he will start in on me. He will not say the things he says to me, to my hubby. Because he thinks it is hubby who feeds him, because hubby cooks dinner most of the time. But he just does not know that I was the one who felt bad for him not having enough money each month to buy his own groceries and started inviting him over for dinner. Now I wish I had not tried to be so damn nice to him. It always ends with him hurting my feelings about something. Or assumming hubby is the reason he got to come over and eat.
No strain on the marriage, I can promise you that. Because my hubby knows I am his grandpas favorite target for when someone pisses him off about something. Hubby WANTS me to tell the old man off and cuss him out and tell him like it is. Hubby has always told me to do that. But I just could not before and it is getting to that point now.
Oh and the pain meds, are for when I take them over to in-laws on the weekends. I put them on a shelf near the big picture window. And grandpa is nosey and will read anything and everything. I use to just put them in my purse and bring it to the in-laws but after that one time my purse accidentally got left at the in-laws house and did not realize that hubby left until after they had gone to sleep, and was in a great deal of pain. I would have hubby put them on the top shelf out of reach of kids next to the picture window so when we went out the door to go home I could see my pain med bottle and remember it.
joonie2009-06-16 10:51:42It should be your husband that puts him in his place if that's the case. It's his job as your husband to stand up for you! You aren't being ugly to him out of respect and your husband should try to respect that and be a man and stand up for his wife when someone.....especially his family is offending you!Joonie, I _think_ that you need to exorcise this
grudge. Speak candidly with your pastor or contact your local mental health association and set up a conference with a counselor.
From reading many of your posts over the past few months it seems as if you would greatly benefit by having a mentor, a therapist, or a counselor. There is no shame nor stigma attached to reaching out for help in working through anger, resentment, and grudges.
Yeah... I know he should. But he won't, especially if he was not in the same room and did not know about it until after grandpa left. FIL did pick up for me, the best he could. Grandpa likes to show out while at the in-laws and when he does MIL will put him in his place. But she was not there this time and hubby had went to another room and did not hear any of it.
Now, he does not do it so much as our house, since he has realized that when he targets me he does not get fed for a week. But if we invite him over for a month straight or so, then he will start to get cocky and test the waters and then we will have to not invite him over for a week. Then he straightens up and does not bother me.
Most of what grandpa says that is really hurtful to me is all done at the in-laws.
[QUOTE=Spelunker]Joonie, I _think_ that you need to exorcise this
grudge. Speak candidly with your pastor or contact your local mental health association and set up a conference with a counselor.
From reading many of your posts over the past few months it seems as if you would greatly benefit by having a mentor, a therapist, or a counselor. There is no shame nor stigma attached to reaching out for help in working through anger, resentment, and grudges. [/QUOTE]
My FIL is a pastor, and my pastor. I talk to him about Grandpa all the time. He knows what I go thru because he is there. My grudge is valid. For 10 years I have been the target for grandpa. He tried to make others his target, including FIL at one time. But They all eventually stood up to him and he left them alone. Or MIL dogged him out and he left them alone. It use to be my daughter he would make his target. Until MIL got tired of him being mean to her. Then it was me for a while. Then it was FIL. And now it is back to me again. I have been his target the longest out of all of them, either directly or indirectly, because I am not seen as part of the family to grandpa.
Yeah... mental problems run in my family. I just have a lot to deal with as of lately. And more and more keeps adding on to it all. There is only so much a person can take on and be "sick".
I display resentment? In what way may I ask? I just never thought I displayed that.
I wonder what would happen if the next time he spouts off you just say- You know Grandpa- that really hurts my feelings.To add to wanttobe's answer, after telling him that his remarks really hurt then tell him you would really appreciate that he not talk to you like that again.
Pat
Yeah... wannabe... FIL and I have discussed that, but we both decided he would not care one way or the other. FIL said that next time he hurts my feelings like that for me to not hold back my tears and cry. I just cannot bring myself to cry in front of people. But I have entertained the idea.
I wouldn't care if "he cared" or not. I'd tell him anyway and I'd tell him that "I would very much appreciate it if he would stopped speaking to me like that". I'm much more out spoken than you are and I tend to speak up verses hold on to anger the way you appear to be doing Joonie.
I'd also tell your husband that if he can't "Man up" and take up for you in these situations you will not be going to your in law's when his Grandfather is expected there and he will not be welcome in your home unless he can give you the respect you deserve as his grandson's wife. I wouldn't care if he was in the room at the time of the comments or not; he can still pull his Grandfather a side and tell him that he is offending his wife and if it doesn't stop neither of you will be coming around when he's there and he will no longer be welcome in your home.
Obviously you've seen that the other's have put a stop to his comments by just speaking up. You can do the same.
For a while I did stop going to the in-laws because of him. And hubby knew why. After about a couple of months of not going over there on friday & saturdays in-laws asked hubby why and he finally told them why. MIL talked to her daddy about it and then she asked for me to come back over again. I did and she fixed it for a while. But it is starting to get bad again.
Hubby sees I am to stick up for myself. He knows I can, but knows I won't. He just wants me to do it for some reason. I guess I can ask hubby to pick up for me. My hubby thinks if he can ignore and look pass and not let what people say to him bother him, I should not either. He is the same way with our daughter. She gets her feelings hurt easily, and hubby is the one most of the time hurting her feelings. He just has a strange way of thinking that is all. And I have yet to figure out how to show hubby, that not everyone can stand up for themselves, and not let things people say hurt their feelings, like he claims he can do.
Let's put it this way... my hubby is Grandpa Jr. He is so much like his grandpa is not funny. It is down right scary to me. If what I have to look forward to is someone similar to Grandpa in the next 30 years than... please divorce me now!
I all the time call hubby Grandpa Jr. Because he is just like him in a lot of ways. So maybe hubby just sees nothing wrong with me being grandpas target.
joonie2009-06-16 11:45:42Perhaps Joonie in his mind when anyone talks about being in a lot of pain he thinks 'well if you want to know about pain, Jesus had pain' !!
Don't mistake what I am saying though, in my book there is absolutely no excuse for what he said to you, but you do have to let it go - not for him, for you !!
You are worth more than getting all tied up trying to figure out why he said what he did. You can't control him, you can only control yourself ... it's my opinion that you should just treat his comment with the contempt it deserves and let it go ... you can't go through the rest of your life having an issue with him.
Please let it go, it's taking up far too much of your time.
Maz
Ok.... good news. I have decided to let it go. I talked to my mom about it today and I feel a little better about letting go of it now. My mom said if he says something else like that again, that I can go off on the old man. So... I am forgiving him and letting it go.
Ya'll have also helped me to see I need to let it go. Thanks for the replies and concern.
Oh and Maz... I NEVER complain about my pain to him. Heck I never talked to him about my disease or any of my other health problems. He would not care one way or the other. He watched me struggle all these years after having my son. And then telling strangers about "Bless her heart she is just not doing well. I do not know what is wrong with her. I was told she has arthiritis."
Yeah... sounds like he was just trying to be his same old rude ass that he is always being when he said that, and my FIL shock his head and left the table when he started that about Jesus and my pain. FIL even admitted the old man was crazy after he left and we were telling hubby about it all.
Grudge closed... thanks everyone!
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com