Moms with RA | Arthritis Information

 

There's this constant voice saying, "If you really were a good mommy you would be on the floor playing dino movie with Jakie and you would be a Brownie leader and room mother for Ally and the home baked brownies would appear by magic every Friday afternoon, and the mural would be finished.."  And then I calm down and realize I was a barely adequate mom even when I was well, and who am I kidding.

 

we do what we can, when we can and need..MUST recognize that every family creates its own "normal." whether a parent is sick or well, impaired or not.

 

There are days when  I am thrilled the kids are alive and at least fed, if filthy and even if the meal is one they scavenged from the pantry.. Pop Tarts, Gummies and Koolaid anyone?  Been there, all too often this past summer..

 

Your kids are old enough (if they are weaned) to understand that some days, Mommy JUST CAN'T.. And as part of being the Mommy its our job to teach them empathy.. It will help them a LOT later in life.

 

And ya know for the most part others just don't and won't get it so its up to us to TAKE the time for us that we need.. Go take a nap, and let the dad deal with the fall out. If healthy women can go on strike, so can we.. When its down to it we are the only people who truly get what we are dealing with, so its up to us to care for us.

 

 

 

There's this constant voice saying, "If you really were a good mommy you would be on the floor playing dino movie with Jakie and you would be a Brownie leader and room mother for Ally and the home baked brownies would appear by magic every Friday afternoon, and the mural would be finished.."  And then I calm down and realize I was a barely adequate mom even when I was well, and who am I kidding.

 

we do what we can, when we can and need..MUST recognize that every family creates its own "normal." whether a parent is sick or well, impaired or not.

 

There are days when  I am thrilled the kids are alive and at least fed, if filthy and even if the meal is one they scavenged from the pantry.. Pop Tarts, Gummies and Koolaid anyone?  Been there, all too often this past summer..

 

Your kids are old enough (if they are weaned) to understand that some days, Mommy JUST CAN'T.. And as part of being the Mommy its our job to teach them empathy.. It will help them a LOT later in life.

 

And ya know for the most part others just don't and won't get it so its up to us to TAKE the time for us that we need.. Go take a nap, and let the dad deal with the fall out. If healthy women can go on strike, so can we.. When its down to it we are the only people who truly get what we are dealing with, so its up to us to care for us.

 

 

 

It's hard, but it is worth it.  I actually think I might be worse off if it weren't for my little boy.  It's just the two of us, my ex husband isn't in the picture.  So, I have to get out of bed, I have to go to work.  I think it would be alot easier for me to get depressed if I didn't have that little smiley face looking at me every morning. rocckyd2009-09-27 14:55:34Hi Schell,  I'm sorry you are in so much pain and no one seems to get it.  I think that is one of those very frustrating things about having RA.  I just read your message after being away from my house for many hours.  I just needed to get away and take time for myself even though I am so tired.  I poked around in the mall and hung out in Barnes and Noble.  I got up this morning and decided that I would take myself to breakfast.  Hubby got up and I told him my plans.  I said he could join me if he wanted but then I was leaving for a few hours.  I enjoyed myself but on the way home I did my big grocery shopping.  When I got home I had to put it all away because my husband and son were gone and my daughter has been sick.  Son 16 yrs old and daughter is 14.  I then had to put away all the clean dishes in the dishwasher.  Then I had to wash more dishes and pots and pans they all made dirty while I was gone.  Big mess.  Now the kitchen is clean and I will have to make dinner and a salad and then clean up again.  I did say something to my husband.  I am so tired of having to do all the chores around here.  I have to make a list and assign jobs to everyone again.  It works for awhile and t hen we get away from it.  Fatigue is the biggest issue to me.  I don't know how old your kids are, but maybe you can have them help even a little if your kids are young.  I know I have to work on that here.  Good luck and I hope you feel better or atleast find away to sneak some pampering time in for yourself! Oh  ok and this WONT be popular.. Just as we inhabit our pain, so do others inhabit their own. I can relate. I have a daughter who just turned 5, a son who just turned 2, and a husband who works a LOT and travels a LOT and i have no family in the USA, just us. It's HARD. My poor little boy does not know the "old me" - as the RA came as he was born.   I often feel like a bad mom and really wish that this would go away. :-)Awwww- all you can do is the best you can do- then you have to let it go. The very fact that you are stressing about it makes me know you are a good mom and are doing all that you can. Cut yourself a break.
My kids were grown when I got RA so I didn't experience what you are. However- they didn't seem to understand...they kind of just took to their rooms when I was bad. They were old enough to understand and I thought should have been more helpful. I was hurt but now I think they were probably very scared to see the rock of gilbrater in the state she was in.
I am so glad to hear from you guys! It has made me laugh and feel understood! Yes, I agree, Kathy about the "other's" pain. GRRR. It seems to always trump mine. (sigh) what are you going to do?

I can't tell you how much you guys have lightened my mood! Thank you! I guess there are times when I get resentful that everyone feels that being a mom means that you are not human. and I want to scream...I am human people...really. The pain just makes you so irritable that you do things that you regret later (along with the fatigue). I think I will go soak in a hot tub and think of you wonderful ladies who help me each day! Thank you!
My oldest son was just 4 when his baby sister was born.....and all my troubles began. I know all too well what it's like to have RA, two small children and a husband that doesn't come home because he'd just rather be somewhere else than deal with the life he was given. It's hard, but try not to be too hard on yourself. If the dishes don't get washed.....they'll be there tomorrow. If the clothes doesn't get washed, they can wear something else! If a grown man is hunger.....he can go get take out for everyone if he's too lazy to make something. (OR he can go without!!) I think I was sort of lucky to have gotten this when my kids were so young. They really didn't know life any other way. They learned early on how to do things for themselves (I taught them) and also learned that being part of a family means doing your part to help out. Of course at certain ages kids can't do things for themselves; but there comes a point where they can and should be doing their part. In my opinion this goes for all children no matter whether they have parents that are ill or not. Teach them early how to do everything from cleaning their own toilet, running the washing machine.....and fixing simple meals. You'll be glad you did and one day these young adults will be glad you did too. I know that your feeling frusterated, but take heart that our babies love us no matter how active we are. You ae doing the best you can with what you have, that's all anyone can ask of you. Maybe a family talk would help. My daughter is 3 and after she was born is when most of my problems started, so she really doesn't know any other Mommy, but I did have to try and explain go her that mommy just doesn't feel good. I also have a talk with my husband and said, you have to know that some nights you will be eating cereal for dinner and the dishes won't be done. But on my good days, which luckly are becoming more frequent, I try to do extra things for them. Take my daughter to get a new book or fix my husband his favorite dinner, little things that I hope make a big difference. Then again sometimes I just give in and take a Xanax. Whatever works right? Take care and know you're a good mom, you can see it in your babies smile!I have 7 kids between the ages of 17 and 3. The older ones remember me as an active, athletic person. My youngest knows me as the mom who doesn't pick her up when she asks. That makes me so sad. When I think of how much my family has had to change because of RA..that also makes me sad. My husband says that our kids will become much more caring and empathetic because of my illness. He is great at looking on the bright side.
On the other hand, my younger kids favorite time of day is "cozy reading time". I instituted it when I was bed ridden and the only way I could parent was to have them lay on my bed with me while I read them a book. I don't think I would have come up with this had I not been ill. We moms with RA need to be twice as clever as the average mom. Maybe that will be the gift we give our children..resourcefulness.The last couple of days have been rough for me as well. Not sure if its the weather or what. My hands and feet have hurt all day and I just feel blah. I have two girls who are 6 and 8. Luckily today was one of their better days, they didn't start fighting as soon as they came home from school Mom of 2
I had the same problem with my oldest daughter. She would whine and cry and yell about her homework. Finally in third grade I told her that I wasn't going to argue with her anymore. If she had a specific question about her work, I would try to help her answer it (something other than 'I don't get it'), otherwise homework was between her and her teacher. After that I firmly refused to get sucked into the drama. Long story short, I had no further homework issues. My daughter graduated high school last year with high honors.
I think you are on the right track! I hope you feel better soon
LeilaI am so happy that Ally's 2nd grade teacher has announced a "no parent" homework policy. She says, and she is so right, that she needs to see the kid's errors to learn how to fine tune her teaching..
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com