Funnies - let's all have a laugh ! | Arthritis Information
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
'W I N A B A G E L'
TeedOff2009-10-28 16:50:22A local council recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Co-Ordinators and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!
Very informative - a must read !!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6..6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still..
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs..
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy
Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, which they
Called 'Yam.'
Of course, they
wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they
told her about the facts of life.
They warned
her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get
accidentally mashed, and get a bad
name for herself
like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of
Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand
she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either.
She would get plenty of exercise so
as not to be skinny like her Shoestring
Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and
Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the
hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And
when she went out to Western Canada
to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay
on the straight and narrow
And wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the
other side of the tracks who advertise their trade
on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd
really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
and announced she was going to marry Lloyd Robertson.
Lloyd Robertson!
Mr. and Mrs.
Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly
marry Lloyd Robertson because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK! Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER
Stutterer,
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
...and on that note.....Let’s have a great week!
Thanks for the laughs!
ONE FOR THE LADIES !!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed.. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
----------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
----------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
----------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
--------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
---------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
---------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
B etter than a Flu
Shot!
Miss Beatrice ,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned
With tea and
scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
' Miss Beatrice ', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
If you don't send
this
To five GOOD
friends
Right away
There will be
Five fewer people
Smiling in the
world.
TeedOff2009-10-28 18:45:04I couldn't even force a laugh.......because of the authors of this thread.
SEXY OLD MEN!!!
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’ HIS FRIEND SAYS,
‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’
Thanks for laughs...I want your pizza shop near me...lol...ours takes ageslets keep those funnies rollin'
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*ts itself." JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and
one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't
remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so
much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom
window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it f or her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's
me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said. 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with
this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked:
''What happened to the flea?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget: this particular Sunday
sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face, 'Without you, we are but dust...'
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little four year old girl voice, ' Mom, what is butt dust?'
[QUOTE=TeedOff]A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*ts itself." [/QUOTE] I like that one, short and sweet.
A DRS. MOST EMBARASSING MOMENT.
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA ..
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one,' I asked?
'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion, she answered....'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name.
AND FINALLY!!!...
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
Th e middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' "
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)
| | | | | | | |
What a good laugh these all are!
HOW DO THEY SURVIVE?
ONE Recently when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I
can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I
shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,
she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what
had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the
key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and
then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor, Pa.interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I
just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!
Life is tough;
It's tougher if you're stupidBlondes Are The Best!!!
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Joan and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a
Habitat for Humanity House. Joan was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it In.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
Throwing those nails away?'
Joan explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron!
Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the
house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who
froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room
late one night with the tip of her index finger
shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to
commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the
gun to my chest, andthen I thought, 'I just
paid , 000.00 for these implants..I'm not
shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,
'I just paid ,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm
not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my
other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and
got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop..
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.. He
told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents
would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing
happened.. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What
are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman
had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all
the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it,
so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to
buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next
day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some
coffee.'
+++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST............
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother
had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you
go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the
blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying
hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from
my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Brilliant humour...lol
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