Is chronic pain ruining your relationship? | Arthritis Information
(Health.com) -- Athena Champneys, 37, has been in near-constant pain since 2003, when she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic condition characterized by widespread pain and tenderness. Her husband hasn't always been 100 percent sympathetic, however.
"I was in so much pain that I couldn't bend over to put on my own shoes or socks," recalls Champneys, who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. "And my husband was like, 'You've got to be kidding me! Get up and deal!'"
Fibromyalgia affects an estimated 5 million Americans (80 to 90 percent of them women), but until relatively recently many doctors have pooh-poohed the condition. Women like Champneys have long been told that the pain is "all in their head," a message that their partners have sometimes taken to heart as well.
Champneys' husband, Adam, acknowledges that he found himself growing skeptical as Athena grew more disabled by her condition. "I started doubting whether it was real," says the 36-year-old real estate agent. "I even started doubting our relationship, because I was having to do a lot of the same things for her that I have to do for our children. She was in her 30s, but it was like taking care of an 80-year-old grandma."
The Champneys' experience isn't unique. Chronic pain -- whether it stems from fibromyalgia, back pain, arthritis, or some other condition -- can have a toxic effect on relationships, especially if one partner is skeptical about the source or the severity of the pain, and the other feels that he or she isn't receiving the proper understanding and support.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/12/29/chronic.pain.relationship/index.htmlThis is one of my biggest fears.
We both have gone through some painful and debilitating health conditions in the 15 years we've been married and we both ALWAYS support and do what's needed to make life more comfortable for the person who is suffering. I can't imagine it being any other way.
It may have to do with our ages. We got married when I was 48 and my DH was 51 and we realized going in, that there was the possibility that one of us would be helping the other at some point in our futures. I prefer the word "helping" over "taking care of" or "doing everything". In a relationship you help one another.
It may be very different when you're in your 30's because the expectations are much different than in your later years. I can't imagine not having my DH to help me. Some days I would be lost......I'd survive but it's so much easier when both of you work on a problem together. It doesn't make any difference if it's the budget, vacation plans, child rearing or health issues. It's just easier if it's done as a couple.
If I weren't married I'd survive but I don't think I'd be as healthy as I am presently. He's very protective of me, much more protective than I am of myself. I want to reach clinical remission and be healthy so I can spend quality time with my partner. I have an incentive to beat this disease and not allow it to cripple me. Lindy
Yes sometimes this condition can ruin your relationship if you let it. When I was first diagnosed my husband was in denial. He thought I was just playing around that I couldn't tie my shoes or open a jar. 13 years later it's no joking matter he was ruff at 1st and made me do alot of things I didn't want to and i cried many days. But in a way I'm glad he did becuase if I had of just sat there and waited for someone to do things for me I wouldn't be able to move as much as I am today. Now with the diformatiy of this disease he sees the results of this condition. I was diagnosed in my thirties and now in my forties he is more considerate. I have two sons that are wonderful with helping mom do things she cannot thank God. I pray your situation gets better because there are many people who have been where you are and you just work through it and keep going as we do. God bless.
Dx RA 1996
Meds Prednisone, folic acid
A friend of mine has a bunch of autoimmune diseases that reduce her ability to "get up and go." One of them is overlap Syndrome which, in her case, causes fibrosis of the lungs, for which she's been hosppitalized several times. She and her husband are 65. He's in perfect health. I mean this man doesn't even get headaches. In the beginning he was very caring, then after a year it started wearing on him. Then she started using her diagnoses to try to get sympathy from him and he inched away.
He's still inching away and, sorry to say, his behavior strikes me as a man who's having an affair [dressing better, losing weight, new underwear....]. Her married daughters think she's a chronic complainer, but then they're all in excellent health, too.
What's troublesome is that she is seeking out much needed attention from excessive doctor visits. In an given week she will have between 4 and 10 health-related appointments. This has been going on for a few years now.
They own two homes - the main one and one in the desert, which is about 90 minutes away. He loves the desert, she loves the main home [where her friends and doctors are]. If he had his way they'd pack up and go out to the desert for every weekend. She on the other hand would never go to the desert again. They have three dogs, so packing and getting everything together for the long drive each week is a pain. It wears her out. But she does it. And suffers for it. [She has hip problems and sitting for any period of time is very hard on her.]
Personally, I wish she could leave the louse [there are anger management issues, too] but she's scared to death of how she would live if he didn't support her. She has been through the wringer the past few years medically. This is a woman who ran 5 miles every day of the week until all this happened.
It's really sad.
Sam12342010-01-05 09:19:52I was lucky that my children were adults when I developed RA a year ago. My husband of 30 years takes great care of me when I need it and has been a real rock. If this had happened when we were young and hadn't reached the point in our relationship that we have now, it would have been more difficult, I'm sure. I am sorry for anyone trying to deal with this disease without support. Of course it goes without saying that I've been there for him too, during these years together.I always feel bad about what I'm putting my family through. My husband tries to be supportive but no one will truly understand unless they go through RA themselves.
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