Job
Hunt
1.
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.
Couldn't concentrate.
2.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew
job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.
5.
Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to
my life, but just didn't have the
thyme.
6.
Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...
couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but
eventually found I wasn't
noteworthy.
8.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any
patience.
9.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't
fit in.
10.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on
my net income.
11.
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but
the work was just too draining.
12.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.
13.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally
got a
job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in
it.
14.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it
was the same old grind.
15. SO,
I TRIED Retirement AND
FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE
JOB!
GARDEN
SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Garden Snakes
also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis)
can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in
Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted
plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them
from a possible freeze.
It turned out
that a little green garden grass snake was
hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed
up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.
She let out a very loud
scream.
The husband (who was taking a
shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was
a snake under the sofa.
He got down on
the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell
over on the floor.
His wife thought he
had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an
ambulance.
The attendants rushed in,
would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him
out.
About that time, the snake came out
from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical
Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and
why he is still in the hospital.
The wife
still had the problem of the snake in the house,
so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to
capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch... Soon he decided it was gone and told
the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief.
But while relaxing, her hand
dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed back under the
sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying
there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive
her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just
returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw
her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and
slammed her husband in the back of the head with
a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed
stitches.
The noise woke the woman from
her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on
the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went
to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat.
By now, the police had
arrived.
Breathe
here...
They saw the unconscious man,
smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken
fight had occurred. They were about to arrest
them all, when the women tried to explain how it
all happened over a little garden
snake!
The police called an ambulance,
which took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled
out from under the sofa and one of the policemen
drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the
snake and hit the leg of the end table. The
table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and,
as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the
drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat
out the flames, and fell through the window into
the yard on top of the family dog who, startled,
jumped out and raced into the street, where an
oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car.
Meanwhile,
neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in
the fire department. The firemen had started
raising the fire ladder when they were halfway
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the
overhead wires, put out the power, and
disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city
block area (but they did get the house fire
out).
Time passed! Men were discharged
from the hospital, the house was repaired, the
dog came home, the police acquired a new car and
all was right with their world.
A while
later they were watching TV and the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night. The wife
asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.
And
that's when he shot her.
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