Question For All... Sorry, kind of long... | Arthritis Information

Hi All,

I have not been on here in almost 2 years. I hope everyone is doing well!

I'm currently dealing with something and don't know who to talk to about it. So... for now... I've just been holding it all in. So any advice would be greatly appreciated...

I just had my baby boy in November. When I went to the rheumy this past week, they said I seemed to be doing great and didn't think meds were needed at the time (My RA seems to following a palindromic pattern and has been very mild thus far). Well, I just got a call back and I guess my blood tests didn't come back so great, because they want me to come in and discuss meds.
So I've been just a bit down and discouraged right now. I'm trying to just not think too much about it, but last night, my hubby and I are were talking about it a little and I asked him if he would have known when we started dating that I would have RA, would he still have dated me? He said yes. And then he decided to tell me a story to make me feel better... but didn't really succeed... (poor guy...he really did mean well, but it completely backfired).

He told me that when we were still dating and my flare ups were happening and I was in the process of getting diagnosed, his parents had talked to him and told him that they had researched RA and everything and they asked him if that was something he wanted to deal with the rest of his life. He told me that he didn't even think twice (the part that was supposed to make me feel better). That's really sweet of him and all, but the story really made me upset. I haven't told him that yet, because I don't want to seem cruel or start something... but I can't get over it. These are my in-laws, they supposedly love me blah blah blah.

There are two reasons this really bugs me. We had been dating two years and were about to get engaged. My hubby's bro was also engaged. I'm sure his parents never asked him that kind of question. But of course, they have to ask my hubby... all because of fricken RA!? I didn't do this to myself. I don't want to be 23 and have this... but I do... and I will be fine because I am strong. But I was at a point where I wasn't even diagnosed yet and already being treated differently because of RA. I don't know, I just feel judged? Or I guess I don't know how to put it into words....
The other thing is this... My hubby (then boyfriend) was in Iraq at the time. I was a faithful, loving, committed girlfriend to him. I knew that he could very well get blown up (which he actually did, but thank God he was ok) but I knew that he could come back physically or emotionally damaged. And I never ever thought twice about leaving him. My parents never asked me if I wanted to deal with that risk. I loved him... unconditionally. And I'm guessing his parents appreciated that I loved him that way. So why don't they think I deserve that kind of love?

I don't know if I'm overthinking it all... but I just feel like I can never look at my in-laws the same.

I'm no Dr. Laura (LOL) but it seems to me that it could be a GOOD thing. I can picture asking my son if he was ready for that responsibility and when he said yes I would be pleased as punch that I have raised that kind of man and I'd feel he was ready to go into life on his own.

When we parents talk to our kids what we are trying to say doesn't always come out right. Then our kids often don't get what we are trying to tell them and misinterpret. Then some timed passed and your son repeated what he heard (maybe not what his parents meant) to you. And then you focused on part of what you heard 2nd hand. I'd do something nice for them and then forget it because you don't know what was in their hearts.

Another thing, you are sure his parents never asked his brother the question about dealing with his bride the rest of her life. You don't really know what they talked about with him. Who knows, they may have had a concern there that you aren't aware of. Parents have different issues with each kid based on what they think that kid needs.

I don't think the problem is that you're overthinking, I think it's that you're assuming that you know the thoughts and feelings of people. Also, your relationship with them has grown and time changes everyone so a remark made years ago doesn't have anything to do with today. I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt because now you are the mother of a son and there is a good chance that in 20 years you will look at it differently.

I feel like Lacey in her first couple of paragraphs. I think the question is how have they been treating you all this time? Have you ever felt like they resented the choice their son made? Do they make you feel like you are less of a mother or wife because you have RA? If so- then you have an issue. If not I wouldn't give that long ago conversation another thought.

BTW nice to meet you- don't be a stranger!Thank you for the responses. SnowOwl, I read your response and I appreciated it... thank you!
Apparently I'm missing something about the whole Dr.Laura thing?? lol wanttobeRAfree...

They treat me real well and they were thrilled when we got engaged and married. They are really good people and I guess that is why this really threw me off. I didn't expect something like that at all. But like what was said, there is a good chance that I didn't know what they were thinking or how they were feeling when they talked to my hubby. And I feel that the best thing is to move on and assume that they had the best of intentions... for my husband and myself.
Snow Owl I liked your answer.Let it go. My grandmother had the very same talk with my prospective uncle (thru marriage) about the difficulties being married to someone with severe JRA/RA. He was man enough to take on the responsibility and was her rock throughout their marriage. It's a reality that life with those of us with RA and associated diseases isn't easy for anyone concerned Just count your blessings. Your in-laws asked the right question.... Was he man enough? The answer came back a resounding "yes." You have nothing to worry about. I would be more concerned if they didn't point out the difficulties.I am sure that they just wanted to make sure he was going to stick it out with you. I think it is not something you should feel badly about. The RA you can feel badly about. I think it is best that you know your husband knew what he was up against. At least you do not have to bother educating him his parents already did a little of that. Plus well it is something that you can pass onto your children so i think it is something he had a right to know about. He loves you and you should be happy about that.You know what? If I had a son who was serious about a woman with RA I'd have the same talk your in-laws did. Those are caring parents who cared enough about their son to discuss his future with him. THAT'S THEIR PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY, as I see it.

Look at it this way: they gave him the facts, he made the decision, and they respected it. What could be better?

As far as not asking the brother - I sense some antagonism there.

Let it go and be grateful to have caring in-laws. And if nothing else, ask yourself what it will be life in twenty years from now when your kid comes home, head over heals in love with someone with a chronic disease. Aren't you going to want to make sure your child has all the facts?

Lastly, Dr. Laura is a radio show psychologist. [Actually, I am not sure that she's a licensed psychologist, but she gives advice to people who call in.]

Sam12342010-02-26 20:08:47Habr,

Just my three cents worth. I think that it is just good parenting for a parent to ask a child that is considering marriage to a person with a handicap or a chonic illness whether the child is really up to the hardships and challenges that a handicap or chronic illness will pose in the future. I think that asking such questions and pointing out the challenges, protects not just the one, but the both. How horrible would it be if no thought were given and two years and one child down the road, the one decides that the challenges are just too much for that person to want to continue to put up with. It is never a good thing to talk down about inlaws, never. Always remember, they are your spouses parents. Do not be so thin skinned. And yes, you are "over thinking it". You seem to be so lucky that you have the inlaws that you do. Afterall, they raised your wonderful husband and made him what he is.

LEV

Hi, I know you have already resolved this situation, but I just want to share what I have done with my sons, both grown men in serious relationships. I told them both to take a hard look at themselves and as the question, "Am I willing to stay with this person if she becomes so ill that she can no longer work, do anything outside the home including having fun, care for her personal needs or have intimate relations?" I have asked them to think of the worst case scenario and answer honestly. I love the women they are seeing, I want them happy, in love and living the best life they can. I would like to think they would be there for each other, come what may!

I can understand both sides...I would embrace the In-laws. They loved their son so much they just wanted him to be sure. They sound like supportive parents and In-laws. I was asked by mother the day of my second wedding..."are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life married to this man"...She was just giving me a way out...she said she never asked me the first time. I was 19 and WAY TO YOUNG (speaking for myself only)..I knew not to marry him but was so swept up in the plans and afraid to let everyone down I did it. I Still care for him, just did not and do not want to be married to him.

I am glad you resolved the issue, you are lucky to have such a loving husband and family. Take care,

Lisa