death | Arthritis Information

i want to plan my death if this new drug does not work. is this terrible? i want myhubby and kids who are grown to move on away from my sickness. i want to plan a trip by myself and take care of business that is only if retuxan does not work. i have been thinking about it along time one more med then that is it..... time will tell wonderwoman i feel useless and in the way and lazy, etc wonderwoman2010-05-03 12:04:04my husband is for this as long as he is no way implanted in the murder which he would not be. wonderwoman wonderwoman2010-05-03 00:38:04huh?

I think you need to explain your plan with a health care professional. Hope the Rituxan works in the mean time. You really need to seek professional help. Posting this on the internet will get you attention, but not help. You sound like you need help. It is not natural to want to die. Best wishes to you.

Lisa

I quite honestly don't know how to respond to this.

I do know this though...As a family member of someone who committed suicide I can tell you that the survivors have to deal with a great deal of pain, anguish and guilt trying figure out what they could have, should have done to prevent it.........It really isn't a simple act that affects just you. The ripples extend outward and touch everyone's lives.

I know you are unable to see that, but it true. Please seek some help.

Also, I feel the need to mention this. Rituxin can take up to six months to work. It is a long, slow process..not an instantanous one.Wonderwoman you really need to get professional help for your depression. Please call your doctor or 1-800-273-TALK

What you are thinking about is not normal...please get help today

I can assure you that your family will not move on. They will live constantly with the thought of how they could have helped you how they could have stopped you. They will have feel a forever guilt and sadness.

buckeye2010-05-03 07:34:04

Please get help. RA is hard to live with sometimes, Give the Rituxin time. If you can, get away from a husband who thinks its ok, So you can think. Thats not the kind of support you need right now.

Life will get better. Talk to your children, get help, please

I will be thinking about you and praying.

Rusty

Wonderwoman, I think I read that you are on Anti-Depr this is a side effect.. please let your Dr know... you need to get off this drug. hang in there, please don't try this it will will affect your children very deeply... I think by writing this you are really calling out for help... Please get some... Jan

Your husband thinks this is okay? He also needs professional help!
What about your children? Are you going to deprive them of having a Mom? Please get some help and don't wait another minute to do so. I will be praying for you and your family.
It must be terrible to feel the way you do and I am so sorry.
Sending a nice warm hug.

Wonderwoman, I am praying for you. My mom attempted suicide many times when I was a child. Thankfully she didn't succeed. However, I grew up thinking suicide was ok and I had suicidal tendencies. It took a long time before I was healed from the damage of what my mom did. (there were other things too) Suicide is never, NEVER, the right answer. Most of us here deal with this RA disease and suffer. Hang in there. There may plans for your life, yet. Don't give up. You never know who's life you can touch and help through your own experiences with RA, or other areas of your life. You are valuable and worthy of living. I do hope you are able to talk with your doctor to make sure none of your meds are contributing to this way of thinking. Remember, if nobody cared, you wouldn't have all these responses. May God hold you close and see you through this. He will, you know. I am praying for you and your family. I read your post and felt a very cold chill in my stomach. I couldn't post initially after reading it but after thinking about it all day decided to try. When you are in the deep dark hole that is depression, you truly can not see a way out. You can't imagine life getting better. That is when it is important to have family and friends support you and remind you of what moments of happiness life does have to offer. It sounds as if your husband has not supported you in getting better. Surely he truly would not support you in taking your life and leaving him and the children behind to deal with it. I am a mental health professional and I can't tell you how important it is that you find someone to talk to about this. It really can help. What is the worst that could happen if you gave it a chance? You are in my thoughts and prayers and I will help you anyway I can.Hi Wonderwoman,

Been there, thought that, glad i didn't. It's been a long road, but now that I'm cruisin' on a new highway, that long road is just in my rear view mirror. And may i say, now there are even good stories to tell about that long and scarey road. I had a rheumatologist appointment today. I asked her about what happens if the rituxan quits working. She said that there were new drugs that I can take. I'm still not sure why it is that if you are so frustrated with pain that you don't just control your inflamattion with prednisone. I was using up to 25 mgs a day but those 25 mgs made my life bearable and functional. I just had a bone density scan and my density has not changed since the last one a year ago and that's without taking the fosomax that was prescribed. I still am between 4 and 5 mgs of prednisone, but I was told the last five are hard to ween from and that 4-5mgs are considered low dose and not detrimental to my health or anything to be concerned with. I have my next rituxan infusin the beginning og June and hope to get even lower on prednisone. I was going to call your husband a lowlife scumbag but I won't, I'll just think it to my self. Maybe you need to get your own place with a comfortable bed and soft pillows for your knees and ankles and a good t-v with cable. . Then you are free with out the trouble of death. I was a bed bug for over a year and i don't feel bad or guilty about it. Strange, I can remember not caring if I died and even thought about suicide, but crazy as it is, now I worry that I may get sick and die. Hang in there, don't hang up. It will get better. Consider a place of your own and the prednisone. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or worthless. You are very important to me and my friend.

LEV

Wonderwoman please talk to a professional. There are many of us that have thought the same thing but we either get professional help or realize it is not the way to go. I can't believe your husband would be so insensitive as to agree with you. He also needs help and in my opinion is not much of a husband. I have to think your children would be devasated if you committed suicide and would you really want them to have to live with that. There are many medications out there and they will find the right one. I have gone 10 years being misdiagnosed and I am finally starting to feel like there is hope but I know it takes time to find the right meds and dosages. Please seek help as you have discussed suicide before and believe me it is not the right answer. Take Care, SandyI know you are not aware of this but I will tell you that it is not the RA giving you these thoughts.

Pain is treatable and so is fatigue and so is deppression. Actually some of these meds work pretty fast these days.

I personally take Cymbalta for deppression anxiety and fibro. I take Lyrica as well. I still take Vicoden also. I am up and moving. It made me tired for a little while. Then it was like a light turned on and my brain came back.

Try to think of what it would feel like to be up and happy and walking around. Amazing. Cymbalta is not like the older antideppresants it works on two brain chemicals. It treats deppression pretty well for me. Along with the Lryica it treats pain of RA for me as well as fibro.

The infusions may help your RA but they will not treat your deppression. I am sorry but anyone that wants to die for any reason is suffering from deppression. You can treat your RA deppression and pain all at the same time. Do not expect the RA meds to fix everything.

We love you and support you in your life. We are here to help you work through this. Please share more with us then just these thoughts. Surely there are happy thoughts. You need to reach deep inside of yourself and find some energy to fight for your life. You are worth it. Maybe you so not get that support enough from your family. We are your family also.

It is hard to put up with pain and fatigue. You must tell someone so they know to help you. I hope your meds work. Please try to treat your pain and deppression and fatigue. Keep us up to date with your life and how things go for you. We all care very much.

While I know how you feel as I have comtemplated it many times myself. I have gone over the entire scenario many times in my mind. I don't have kids to leave behind. My brother commited suicide and it almost tore my family to pieces. My mom is gone now but I still have a husband, dad and nephews. You shouldn't threaten your family with suicide and worry them. You have to keep going for your kids sake. I'm really at a loss for words here. I've started several post and they all seem so inadequate. I hope you are seeing things more clearly today and have really given thought to what others have offered. Suicide may seem like the answer and its definitely an attention getter, but when its all said and done, the losers are your children. No matter their age, the wounds will devastate their lives.

Your relationship with your husband sounds toxic. RA seems to feed on any kind of toxicity so getting this area of your life dealt with may relieve some of your pain. At the very least, it should put you in a stronger mental position to better enable you to deal with the RA. What a coward he is to encourage you in this manner! Try kicking him to the curb before appeasing him with suicide. It may be the best medicine you have ever tried!

Take care of yourself and please do what you need to in order to get the help you need.

Cannot imagine a spouse would agree to this action! I know a lot of people who have RA in final stage and are fighting like hell to stay alive. If you want to take the easy way out, well, that's your choice. Other than the kind urging others have given to seek mental health treatment, you might want to consider that suicide is a selfish act. Sorry, you've ticked me off. I know people who are bedridden and would love a chance to drive a car or even hobble around.... but you've got pain. We all have pain. Deppression causes people to have bad thoughts. Actually it like any illness with the fact that it has symtoms.

The thoughts of self harm and self worthlessness litarally haunt those that suffer from deppression and mental illness. So be angry with the illness not the one suffering. It is hard to understand.

I have two brothers with different IQ's yet when they are suffering they see the same visions and hear the voices and act pretty much the same.

I myself suffer from depression and it is not always easy. When I get angry at others I am at my most vulnerable. That is I would hurt myself before I would hurt another person. I guess I am a marter? I would have to look that up. I rarely think of myself first and I give give give. Then people yell at me and it makes me want to hurt myself. It is really a screwed up thing.

Usually if others yell at me I just leave. I go for a long walk or something. If I stay and listen to it then I get bad thoughts because I want to escape and well thier is always one way to put an end to an arguement. Pathetic I know.

I grew up in an abusive home. That is it was sometimes more violent than one could imagine. My Dad is schizophrenic and they did not used to have good medicine. They gave him electric shock treatments and that made him mean. Also recently he told us he was molested as a boy so that made him angry also. His mother was also mentally ill and had electric shock treatments. It made for some wild Sunday dinners let me tell you.

My Dad always struck me as one of those men that kills there family and then thierselves. he walked around with a shot gun for a few days once. I would worry when I would take a shower as a teenager that my family would be dead by the time I got out of the shower.

I have been in therapy for years actually. I am doing much better than when I was younger. I actually woke up in intensive care a few times. I was on antideppresants everytime. I think I was one of those people that got suicidal thoughts as a side effect. Well mostly younger people get that and I am an older people now.

I am allergic to antiphsychotic meds so the shrinks gave up on for years. Norepinephrine appears to be my best friend. Cymbalta is a Norepinephrine and Serotonin reuptake inhipitor whatever that means. Well along with the Lyrica it really mellows me out and cheers me up also. The big plus is they kill pain. How awesome is that!

Well I do not usually share this much detail about myself and my past with you all. I am not looking for attention at least not that kind of attention. I am just saying I am a formost authority on the subject.

When my father is properly medicated he is a very kind man that would do anything for his children. So it is sort of a confusing life I am not angry at anyone. Then again I do not know how to deal with anger anyway scince I was raised wrong. So it is best that I just be a happy lady most of the time. That is why I stay single I do not want to argue with anyone. It is safer for me that way.

I hang out with my ex sometimes. I was there a few days ago. So I have a guy but I do not. LOL I love him I just do not spend alot of time with him. I have been seeing him on and off for many many years. I just could not handle having to try to please someone else on a daily basis.

Anyway I am too cold hearted to want to kill myself these days. I do not let anyone that close enough to get me that emotional.

I certainly do not drink anymore either. Well I take alot of meds. Alchohol makes people depressed also. I drank alot when I was twelve because I lived in a nightmare. I think it was self medication to get me through an unbareable time. After awhile the alchohol turns on you and stops making you laugh.

Anyway I just thought I would share a past life with you. I do not dwell on my childhood. I got over it and moved on years ago. I did not leave my family just the bad memories. We are people amazing beings and we can get through alot. Physical and emotional pain are both now treatable. It is a different day and time.

Lots of suffering people have given you excellent advice and support in this thread, and I can only agree with them all and ask you to please get some professional assistance with this. Please ring your doctor asap - tell him what you are feeling and what your husband said and please don't do this to yourself or your family! Hugs for you - pick up that phone now!! Don't even think about it - just pick it up and dial!!
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