Last Friday, I went for my weekly MTX injection, not feeling particularly well, and I caught the nurse practioner who works with my RD, to ask for ANOTHER cortisone injection. She told me that she'd see me in a while, after another patient. "Fine", I thought. So tell me why, when I went in to the regular nurse for the MXT injection, I just burst into tears! Even I coudn't tell them why. Just that I felt really down, and that although not suffering with the amount of real agonizing pain that I have had early on with this damn disease, I felt sore all over, tired all the time and just have not been coping well, for the last few months really. I seem to lurch from cortisone injection to cortisone injection. In the past I managed with one or maybe two a year, when I had a real bad flare, but now I seem to need them all the time! I was taken off Sulfasalazine a couple of months ago and yesterday they stated me on Leflunomide, along with all the other stuff. I guess I'll just have to wait and see and hope that it has some beneficial effect for me. I have had hormonal depression in the past, connected to my weird Polycystic Ovay Syndrome, but that was always at specific times of the month. This outburst took me completely by surprise and I cried all through Friday. Fortunately, good friends of mine asked me over for the weekend, and they helped a lot, just by being normal. though I still had that black cloud over me. I know that soon the cortisone will kick in, both giving me the physical relief and the mental 'high' which it usually brings. But I really hope that next time, when it wears off, that something else changes and that this cycle breaks soon. I already carry far too much weight, and it has increased over the last 2 years while having these extra cortisone injections. Physical activity is limited and all my GP told me is that I must learn to go hungry, thats the only way to lose weight!
Thats what I told the nurse. That I felt I was on some kind of weird and not very nice merry-go-round that I can't get off. One thing leading to another that causes another that leads back to the beginning and off we go again!
Ho hum. Enough venting for now. I couldn't even get on here for a few days, as my mouse/pointer has not been working, so it's been a learning process to use the PC with the keyboard only! Even the PC is conspiring against me! LOL
Sorry for the rant. I'm used to being the cheerful one!
Heaven knows, we're all entitled to a melt-down now and then.
Let's see, not 10 minutes ago my husband phoned looking for his warm hoodie sweat shirt. He works outdoors and warm clothing is essential. Now mind you this is not the only hoodie he owns, and my girls have just as many sweat shirts. I just wanted a few minutes before I had to leave for work to see what's new on the site. Gather myself for my great adventure in to the world, go through the ritual preventative procedures, that never work anyway. Now I'm on a massive search for the hoodie that he has to have. I don't want to move, I'm exhausted as usual and trying to act as if everything is wonderful, for the family's sake, and I feel like I could rip someones face off, because darn it don't they know what I'm feeling??? Needless to say this amounts to my going in to the basement on a great expedition! Alas, the hoodie is in the wash and can't be ready on time. Now I could have calmly called him back and informed him he can't wear that one today. I could have quietly walked back up the stairs, which at this point in my illness feels like a hike to the top of Mt. Everest, but instead I stand at my machines and scream at the top of my lungs, why can't everyone just leave me alone and stop expecting such trivial !!%%#$** from me all the time! What's the matter with them??? Well my dogs thought this was odd behavior because knowone else was around so naturally I must be angry at them, so off to their kennels they run and I stand there feeling foolish and ashamed. It could be worse. I could be alone, no husband to bug me, no kids to need me, no job to go to, no friends to call on me, no sisters to call and see how I'm doing today, etc. etc. etc.
Well after waiting for my husband to swing by the house to grab his hoodie, I got tired of waiting and phoned him. "Oh, I should have called you back, I found something else to wear."
Life is good, it's the living it that's hard!
Nobody can be the cheerful one all the time. Keeping up the struggle is mentally and physically exhausting, and as Pammy said, it's often the insignificant thing that 'pushes our button'. I've had a meltdown at the doctor's office - fortunately my doctor sees his role as cheerleader/confessor as well as medical specialist and he took the time to have a chat about things.
It is a great help to have a friend or two with whom you can totally be yourself, wherever you are that day. Putting on a happy face when you feel broken inside is no fun. I hope today is a better day - one day at a time.
Boy am I beginning to understand melt downs, I've had two in as many months. I really think a lot of it is frustration that the drugs aren't doing as I expected them to. That maybe what you are going through too and it maybe time for another approach, talk to your doctor about that.
We love to hear yall vent! Every time someone just totally lets go on a thread, everyone else is reading it and just laughing at the way it mirrors our own feelings. I know that feeling of wanting to be left alone. I love my husband and kids dearly but they can all be such pests! They either need something, cant find things, cant figure out things, what ever. I cant wait for spring break to be over! I am going to go bananas this summer!
Come on over here and complain to your hearts content!!!!
WELCOME
[QUOTE=VTmtngirl] Crunchy and all, You are so right. This disease is an emotional roller coaster ride and we need to hold hands. I have regular melt downs. It does help to not be alone. I wish we could do more for each other than moral support but the support sure helps. I use to get pms bad and sometimes my emotions remind me of pms. Anyway, It is good not to be alone. Aurora, I am glad you reach out when you feel like this. It is not good to stew in these emotions. I hope you are having a more positive day. Rox Still tired etc etc but getting my head around things.... I'll be back to 'normal' before you know it!
I'm sure you all know the feeling and will appreciate the sentiment when I say, it's good to know that there are others just as bad and even worse off than oneself, and that we all have the same feelings. love to all
I'm not an emotional type of person but this RA stuff has challenged
that in a major way. I know I'm going through the Kubler-Ross
grieving cycles. I suggest you read some Kubler-Ross as it helps
to understand what is going on and why.
[/QUOTE]
This is where I am at right now, and that has helped me a lot. I
am not one to sit and mope. I have always worked through illness,
etc., but this is different.
I hope we all find a balance soon. I know it is a different situation for each individual, but I will not give up hope.
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