My husband and I have been going through a lot. Since I have been Dx'D with RA...I don't feel attractive at all or even like the woman I used to be. If anyone says that a part of them has not been lost having a Chronic Illiness...they are lying and the truth is not in them!!!!!!!
I love my husband...but I see young women that are my age...and they can do for themselves...walk without a limp...have normal sexual relations without having to plan it. I don't feel much like it at all...and unfortunatly...I have pushed my husband away. I push myself to sometimes...and often have to take muscle relaxants to get in the mood so I won't hurt the day after.
I love my husband...and in a way...I don't blame him for what he did. It wasn't a sexual affair...but...then attention I would give him...once...when I had the energy and wasn't so DARN consumed with this RA CRAP...he got it from someone else. I felt really bad when it all hit the fan...but...as I look at it...I probably would have done the same. I guess it is hard to love someone...and the relationship is so one sided...all about me and my pain. We are in counseling now...I don't condone what he did...it has broken the last bit of trust I had. Yet...I can't help blaming myself...
Has RA caused any problems in your relationships? Certainly has affected my relationships. When I first came down with it, I had a boyfriend who always asked for a lot of my time and energy. When I had to call him to pick me up at the hospital in the middle of the night, that was too burdensome. It went downhill from there. Then about 1 1/2 a go, I met someone who I thought who could be more accepting and understanding. He's blind and at first it seemed he was. But then everything started being about meeting his needs. It took me a long time to realize that he was not going to be understanding when I just couldn't do things or be able to handle all the expenses and hassles that come with this illness. In the end, he told me that I lacked compassion for him. But the opposite was true. Fortunately, I was in a marriage, just an engagement. It hurt terribly to walk away from it. I feel for you because the pain of it is so clear. But I'm betting that you can work it out. The fact that you are in counselling already is a very positive sign. It is obvious that you understand the impact he has on him. Maybe he hasn't quite got the impact it has on you. There are ways around the pain and there are ways to have new kinds of intimacy. It's a challenge, but well worth it. Keep trying.
I too pushed my husband away for probably the first 1-2 years after I was diagnosed. I not only felt very unattractive, I just was NEVER in the mood. We went for an entire year without having sex!! I never missed it. It seems to me that no one talks about this. When you are in pain, gaining weight from either depression or lack of ability to exercise, and facing possible disfigurement, you are suppose to feel sexy? Give me a break. Luckily for me he hung in there, however I can totally understand. WW-I am going to be honost here...my interests in the bedroom changed after my first child was born, just one year after my husband and I got married. We have had numerous arguments about it. I felt overweight and unattractive, and I found it difficult to transition between the roles of mother and wife. He has always told me that he thought I was pretty and that he loves me, and I just had to pretend that I was interested when I really wasnt. I just have never been able to relax with the kids in the house. I cant enjoy anything for fear of a little voice calling out "mom!". So just as they are starting to get old enough to go do their own thing, RA comes along and here I am tired all of the time, fatter than ever, and stressed about money. We had been having some real problems over money-that seems to be under control for now-but it all just stinks. While I am feeling especially dumpy, he has been losing a tremendous ammt of weight. I'll admit I am a little jealous there. So with all of that in mind...there is no excuse for infidelity. I was ready to send him packing because he was really starting to be mean about my not working as many hours. When I threatened seperation, he finally listened to what I had to say. I love my husband so much, we have had some rocky times, but we really do love each other. If he cheated on me...I would eventually forgive him, but he wouldnt be my husband anymore. I just know that deep in my heart no matter how much it would hurt to walk away, it would hurt alot more to spend the rest of my life feeling second best. We have had enough problems, I could never have sex with my husband knowing that he had slept with someone else. Wedding vows are meant to clarify issues like these 'richer or poorer' 'in sickness and in health'. There are some things that I just dont believe are accidents, saying something that you dont mean maybe a slip of the tongue, but slipping into bed is no accident. Each of us deserves to feel secure in our relationships, to be able to trust and be trusted. If you dont have security you will always feel distressed. You dont deserve to feel that way forever. I know that my opinions may seem harsh, but they are just that, my opinions. We open up enough around here that I would feel dishonost to just say 'tommorrow will be a better day'. The truth is that this is hard, but it is not your fault. Shame on him for making you feel like you dont deserve the same love and respect as anyone else. Dont you let yourself believe that. You are a better person than that and this disease is not your fault. Thank you all for you wonderful love and support. (((Crunchy, Poof, Just Me, & Ms. Deanna)))
Your insight is so on the money. I know it not my fault...and there have been many things that have lead up to this fall out in my marriage. MONEY...COMMUNICATION...Lack of love making...to name a few. I am a 35yr old woman, who feel like she is 92 most of the time. We have been married for 5 years...I just never saw this coming. I love my husband and this has been one of the hardest things to go through. And you are right...JUST ME...the infidelity would have happened even if RA hadn't come my way.
We have choosen to work it all out. He didnt' sleep with anyone...yet the emotional affairs are just as hard. Three Years is a long time not to know your husband seeing other women. I always knew something was going on...just couldn;t put my finger on it. When it all went down... My first thought was to leave...okay...I did for about 24 hours. But I came back because our son was coming home and we didn't want him walking in and I not be there. Truthfully, SOmedays, in my mind, I am still gone.
Things have gotten a bit better. This is the true test of marriage...sticking the tough times out. Thanks again...Roblyn As I mentioned earlier, my last boyfriend was blind. When my friends found this out, they said how can one be attractive to a blind man. Oh, now that was the fun in it. For instance, I dressed up as a cute rabbit on Halloween and let him guess what was going on. I had all the fears that the rest of you expressed. I weigh around 40 lbs more than when I started with this disease. I'm short to begin with and my moon face is more pronounced because I have a very round face to begin with. So, I don't feel lovely at all. I was also worried about some of the attachments that I have collected since coming down with RA. I wear leg braces and I was using a cane when I started dating him. (I've since ditched the cane because it clashed with his.) Then at night I wear wrist braces. On top of that I have developed sleep apnea which means that a lot of nights I wear what looks like a groucho marx mask combo water diving set. Quite a hilarious collection. Now, I am wondering how do I get past all this to a romantic moment. First, I thought about what I would want most if I was blind. I would want someone to read to me. He had a favorite poet. And, when I read that to him, that is when the sparks began. We connected on something special that had nothing to do with the physical. As our relationship developed, he discovered that the first thing I did was take those darn braces off as soon as we got alone. Now, remember he is blind. And he hears, "Rip! Rip! Rip! Rip!" Suddenly, something I hated became the beginning of a romantic interlude. His being blind also taught me that human touch is the most important thing we can give each other. It isn't the act of sex, but the act of touching. Remember kissing, slow and gentle. Listening with no time limits. Massages, back rubs, walks. It's just like everything else that we have to learn with our bodies once this illness hits. You must start slow. Slow can be exciting. You must be creative. Creative can be tantalizing. And, you must connect to the other person's real needs. What are they really hungry for? What are you really wanting? I am discouraged for myself because I did invest my whole heart into this relationship and it didn't work out. But something in me does not want to give up. I know our self image is damaged by the changes in our body. But this man, who was so wonderful in many ways, told me that when I was in the room, it was like there was a light on. That was me. That's how he saw me and I will always remember that. Your light still shines. All that made you sexy and inviting before still remains. In fact, you know more about it now than when you were an 18 year old. Look at your mate, what is it that makes him so attractive to you? Has he changed too? Do you still desire to be close to him? Listen to his breathing (no, not his snoring). To his heart beat. Remember when those things quickened your own heart. I still hope to find love, although all my friends doubt it's possibility. But my daughter wished that for me again this mother's day. So, maybe it can come true. I just can't give up the hope. Hope is what I live for and is what gets me through all the bad days. Deanna, it is true, the things that can bring on intimacy are the things that only two people so close can share. The soft sounds of their breathing or the beating of their heart does draw you near. It is the images projected by magazines and TV that make us feel less than attractive. We compare ourselves to the medias image of sexy, and because we dont feel sexy, we forget how to be intimate. But sexiness is not the only way to bring about intimacy. Desire to be close to someone you love is the way it should begin. That is what brings two true loves together in the first place. WW-I didnt realize that this had been going on for 3 years, and you have only been married for 5...I dont think his problems have to do with you or your RA. Im so sorry for you honey, I cant imagine how hard this must be for you but just remember to stand your ground and be strong. We are here for you! Nichole, How upsetting! The stress of it is a killer. I go through a lot of emotional trials with my daughter because she is both physically and mentally ill. It wore me down and was making me sicker all the time. I finally had to decide to put her in a residential home. It was the right thing to do for both of us. She has learned to become more independent, no longer is suicidal and they are working to get her into her own place. It's been less than a year and the change is remarkable. Without the stress, I do so much better. You are in a very hard situation because if he stays, it causes stress. If he goes, it causes stress because you have two small children. I am not surprised your body reacted. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children first. That may sound selfish. But you don't have the extra energy to get him to grow up. He is going to have to do that himself because that is his responsibility. I know your heart is hurting as well as your body and I feel so much for you. You're in my thoughts. I wish I knew something that would help. This is a very tough thing to talk about and go through. ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT ADULT CONVERSATION, DON'T READ BELOW..... I am 33 and understand the whole thing about being intimate. I don't feel like less of a woman and never really thought about it until right now. I don't wear makeup much anymore, I walk funny and can't go out much etc. But, my husband and I work together to watch and rent movies, play video games online etc. so we can do things at home together. When it comes time to be intimate, we do that too. Sure, I know i will hurt the day after, but for me it doesn't matter. It's something between us that is too special. When I am hurting, i take my meds and he takes care of me. We do only one position of course (on my back) but prop my legs with large thick sturdy pillows. This allows for less pain afterwords. I only do this about 4 times a month and during the "off time" husband basicly takes care of his own frustrations so to speak which sounds like something your husband should have done as well. After talking with my husband about your situation, he said that it is all your husban'ds fault and not yours and that your husband should have talked about this with you, tried to help you come up with something to help with your situation. You see, a while ago my husband did something bad twice (about 8 years ago) and tried to blame the situation on me when in fact it came down to something he could have stopped himself. He says that a divorce should come before cheating ever does and that when situations happen that are frustrating, that husband's and wives need to talk about these things to fix them instead of going on to another person and I fully agree with him. It isn't your fault, you have something horrible going on with you. But, you should do your best to find a way to fix this situation. My pillows work great for us and we don't do the situation too often, but enough to keep our marriage together. I wish you well & please don't think it is your fault. God bless. Maybe the husbands need some better warm up exercises. Sometimes they forget that. I haven't really had time to read all the comments here but I just got an article today with some news clips about female sexual problems and thought about this topic here. Quite often it's not so much the disease but another underlying problem that might can be helped. Ask your OB. I was slightly worried about my lack of desire at times right after I got married for the second time considering I was just entering menopause at 33. I remember it being a problem in my first marriage...and I didn't want that to happen this time around too. My OB told me to discuss it with her if it became more worrisome because she could help. Turns out it hasn't been a problem. Granted I don't want it as much as my ex-husband use to....but my new husband seems perfectly content with our sex life and I'm just as happy. Not having the pressure of a husband "nagging" you does help I think. I'm not sure if my new husbands sex drive is just not the same as some men but he's perfectly content with once a week.....sometimes more; but often sometimes less. We'll go through spells where we can't get enough.....and then other time when we've gone too long. I do think though if it becomes a problem for me again I'll speak to my doctor right away. Roxy's right; regular intimacy does make a marriage stronger and I do want a strong marriage. Roxy-isnt it the truth, the sure way to shut up a gripey man is 10 min of sexual gratification. Crying puppy? Give em a raw hide bone. Crying kids? Give em a handful of cookies. Crying man? Give em a little lovin'. It is sad but true.
Hey all you guys out there...take note...If you really want to know how to please a woman forget the candy and flowers, do the dishes, the laundry and the floors. There is nothing hotter than a guy that cares enough to free his woman of mundane chores...leaves more time for sex too!
He doesn't treat you in a very loving way and it just makes it harder on you. Stand your ground and let him throw his tantrum. You are not his mommy. He can do some laundry, etc. Even if you don't work, his expectations of what you can do are too high. It is physical limitations. Besides, I never thought that cleaning was based on sex. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. When one partner is weaker, the other one needs to step in and help. So, where's the help? I tried that Crunchy about 8 years ago.... so.... Nothing gets done until it's too late and has to be done. I usually do it, but lately they pitch in. Just wish it wasn't last minute all the time. Just me - Thanks for the compliment but it really is not that flattering when their butt is down to their knees and their chest is down to their belly
My hubby has been gone for 7 weeks
I am also probably lucky that my hubby is gone all week. Weekends are the only time we can make love so it makes it special. Next week is my rd appt. where I ask if rd will support me going on long term disability. I have been a wreck thinking about it.. I am blessed though, no one in my family or friends do not think I should be on disability. It would be so much harder if it was like some of you - not get the support we need with ra. I am very blessed. I guess because my ra came on so strong and aggressive and I was so active before - NO ONE doubts how devastating my ra has been. I sure hope I don't have to go through a lot of stress getting disability. Stress is so hard on us. I have had a girlfriend staying at the house the last few days. Good to have company. I tend to isolate myself too much since ra. I have missed you guys but it is good to see that I have a lot to catch up on when she leaves. Big Hugz and healing to all. Love, Rox I was married twice and they were very heartless and selfish. It wasn't worth staying with them. They were verbally abusive and towards the end they were showing signs of being physically abusive. So, I know how bad it can get. I also know that you can make it without him if you ever come to that decision. It is hard, but not as hard as living with someone that doesn't help you and only seems to care for you when its convenient for them or you threaten them. You are so very young to be in such a pickle. My suggestion is that you try and find a good counselor to talk to. Catholic Family Services and Jewish Family Services both offer counselling on sliding scale basis. They have some good people. Having a good counselor can help you figure out what you want. It can help you gain perspective on the situation so that in the end you will know you are making the right decision. Sometimes, they can get the husband involved and help with the marriage. But the important thing is that it would give you the emotional support that you so badly need right now. I believe that they even have some kind of child care that might give you some relief. I really hurt for you because I have been treated exactly like this and it is very demeaning. Believe me, you do not deserve to be treated like this. Every human being deserves to be treated with love and respect. You deserve to have the person who married you help take care of you when you are sick. Don't buy into the game he is playing of making you feel like you are not worthwhile. It's a lie. It serves his selfishness and harms you. If he is abusive to you as well, then there are other ways to help you. I worry about you.
People marry us - and one day, out of the blue, we're someone else. They're used to having someone who can do certain things, who has a certain attitude, who looks a certain way. And then, almost overnight, that's gone.
I've been married a long time, so I don't think it will have a huge impact on my husband or our marriage. But if it had been a decade ago? Who knows?
There is nothing fair about having RA. This is one more thing that it affects.
I will be thinking of you and hoping that this works in your favor. Please keep us informed.
Luv, Justme
Oh my goodness Roxy, the pool is co-ed? I bet those old farts
chase you all over the place...No dam wonder your feet
hurt. LOL Running on cement doesn't help at
all. You are a cutie Roxy and I bet that the old guys can't wait
to see you every day. Keep em runnin Rox, it's good exercise for
em!
Luv, Justme
Oprah said and I quote, "Women will never be safe in this world as long
as men exist." That is a bit far out, but think about it.
PS: There are some wonderful men out there.....Somewhere! LOL
Luv, Justme
Exactly he wants me to be like his mother work 40hrs aweek make dinner every night cook , clean, and watch the children. His mother is not what I would call a role model for anyone. Her first marriage ended in divorce the second one that she is a slave in it is abusive. He has way too high of expectations. When I ask him to pick up his socks he leaves laying around the house it is the end of the world. I remind him all the time put your socks and shoes in the bedroom. How hard is that. Not hard for him and an extra job for me. Before I got really bad I was out side for weels every afternoon with the children digging up the high spots in the yard and feeling in holes where the dogs dug. Also picking up dog crap doing all the laundry, cleaning and taking care of the children and cooking everynight. He must htink this disease is a joke. I tell him Iam in pain and exspects me to take the children out front to play while he is drinking and smoking a cigar with our neighbor it is me having to run after them. He just doesn't get it.I have to put my foot down every once in a while about the housework. I just basically stop. I refuse. I tell him Im not doing anything else untill everyone pitches in. No laundry and no grocery shopping. Stop doing those two things and it gets noticed really quick. Men and kids can deal with the toilets not being spotless, but when there is nothing to eat and no clean clothes they pay attention. I have been bashing my husband quite a bit lately here, and so in his defense I will say that he is good about taking the kids. He usually wants one or both of them to hang out with him. If he has errands to run, he will take one of the kids along just to have the company. When they were toddlers and in diapers he was the same way, but he would just jump up and go with out packing up their stuff. It got better with the second kid, but he still was never good at packing the diaper bags. Stil, if he wasnt so active in spending time with them, it would make the hard times alot harder.
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