Ok you have heard about my husband's job and now it has come full circle...my husband wants to leave me and our daughter, divorce, because (these are his words basically that he told me last night) this disease has "f-ed him in the head" he can't walk or move, he is a cripple. He is 30 years old and he can feel that he is going to die a terrible death. He doesn't want our daughter to see him like this anymore.
Basically he has not been home at all, he goes to work, comes home at midnight and stays out drinking until he is drunk and passes out. Yesterday, his only day off, he went to a covention in the city for food and beverage, and did not call and came home at 11:30 pm. He apologized for not calling and then he dropped thebomb that he wanted to be alone and it "wasn't me it was him" he has changed, he is not the same person anymore.
So what do I do? Wait this out? He gets his first Humira shot Thursday and I keep telling him that the shots will help. I do not know if he will go to therapy, he is VERY VERY depressed (obviously) and now he wants to end our file together because of this disease. Any advice would help here, I am so sad I creid all weekend, I have no appetite and I can't sleep.
Oh, I am sorry to hear this. Men react so badly to illness, job loss,etc. It's because their whole identity is tied up in their abiltity to work and provide for their family. You take that away and they feel lost.
I understand his not wanting his daughter to see like this. I hated having my children watch me get so ill. I wanted to protect them from that.
I doubt he really wants either of you out of his life. He is just not coping because he doesn't know where to begin. He wants to protect you and at the same time he probably feels ashamed by this disease.
He needs a counselor to help him through this. I don't know what kind because they need to be someone who understands about chronic disease. Maybe you could call the doctor's office and explain how upset he is and if they know someone. If not there, call the local hospital, they may have someone or can refer you to someone that can talk with him.
Getting him to participate in this is going to be terribly hard. He is angry at getting this illness. And, who can blame him. We all are.
But he is right in that the problem is not you. This illness is too big for him right now. If you can find some way to communicate that you are still there for him, still love him regardless of whether he has this disease or not, it might help. But whether he can hear you in this stage of his dealing with it is not clear.
Damage control is key. He is fighting himself and in the process hurting you.
He is afraid that you will not want him if he becomes crippled. His strength as a man is diminishing and he has no control of it. I was diagnosed at 43 and felt robbed. At 30, his prime in every measure, look at how much he feels cheated from.
Wanting a divorce is not what he is really saying. He doesn't want this situation. He doesn't want to put you through this. He doesn't want his daughter to see him weak and ill.
I know your heart is breaking but try and find someone good to counsel him. If you can't find someone for him, find someone that can give you that support. Sometimes your going to a counselor can help you know how to respond and will help both of you.
It is a storm that has to be ridden. Only you know if you can ride it.
I'm so sorry your going though this. Deanna's words are very wise. Things will work out for the best. Take care.I appreciate all of the comments. My husband does not deal with stress well at all. He wants to run when the going gets really tough but this time he has a wife and kid...we are not just dating. He said he knows he has changed, he doesn't feel right and he is taking htese pills and they are not working yet and he is discouraged.
I have helt for a while that he was cheating on me but I could only see it as sex, not emotional, a way to release his frustrations. I am still on the fence on that one, he said he is not cheating, but with his "change" recently he seems to have a lot of women "friends" calling him. He said he wouldn't cheat on me and hurt me. I know he knows that another woman could not understand what he is going though and maybe that is what he wants...solitude with this illness so he can suffer alone but whatever his deal is it is hurting the 2 people that love him no matter if he is healthy or crippled. Last night he was crying and went out to a bar with friends then he came home and cuddled with me, even tried to be romantic but I told him to stop...that I was confused at his intentions, that I could not be used as a sexual outlet right now the way I was feeling. So he just held me close...he's scared like a little boy and I feel so helpless. Wea re going to a councelor Thursday before we get his first shot and I hope he opens up to her. I am so scared to lose him but if I do I can't be in his life at all to watch him be destroyed...alone. He seems like he wants to just be free of everything and do what he wants when he wants to, drink a lot, stay out late and not have a family to worry about...I see this as depression due to this illness and his way of coping with it. One minute he seems bound and determined to leave the next he is holding me for dear life tellingme he loves me. It's tearingme apart, I cry all the time, can't at, can't sleep and this weekend he basically was not home, he does not want to be there.
We need help, I am reaching out to anyone who has beent hrough this! If I let him leave he will just get worse.
I gotta agree with AZ~something fishy is going on here.
He's "Crippled" and doesn't want you and your daughter to see him like this; but he can go out to bars and stay out until god knows when "Partying"? No~That's BS. I'm sorry.
He needs to grow up!!
Time apart might help you both see what it is that you want for your future. Doesn't mean a divorce.....but maybe he needs to think about what's going on in his life and learn to appreciate you and your commitment to him a little more. You've said before how inmature his behavior is. Life with a chronic illness takes maturity to manage successfully. He's going to have to learn that or he's going to continue to make his life....and yours misrable forever.
Give him a little more time to feel sorry for himself.....eventually he'll see it's only making life more difficult. Everyone does need a little time to grieve; but eventually one of you will have to say "Enoughs enough."
Personally his "Oh, I'm a crippled" attitude is rediculous! Many of us live great lives and if we didn't go around whinning and crying about our situation no one would ever know we have a chronic illness. RA is not a death sentence. His life is not over from the RA.....but his drinking and depression and self destruction could be the death of him for sure. Once he looses his wife and daughter he'll finally realize it. I hope he doesn't wait that long.
Keep your chin up friend. Let us know if we can be of any help to you.
It breaks my heart to hear how your situation is right now. It's all so unfair and there are just no simple, easy answers. It is clear that he needs some help and he needs it soon. His drinking is a way to self-medicate and forget for a little while, but ultimately it will make things so much worse. And I suspect that as he pushes you away, inside he is scared to death you will actually go.
It reminded me of Christopher Reeve and his amazing wife Dana. He also tried to give her a way out in the early days after his accident and her strength and determination, and reassurance that she wasn't going anywhere helped him develop the positive attitude we all remember.
It would be wonderful if your doctor could introduce your husband to another man with RA, who can share in this with him, and give him hope that he isn't alone, support him through the difficulties that come and encouragement that things will get better. Or perhaps one of the guys on here could become a phone buddy of his?
Can you go with your husband to his doctor visit on Wednesday, and speak with the doctor about what is going on? There is help available, but right now your husband is so depressed he can't believe that.
I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you for loving him so much!
I think Hillhoney has a great idea about introducing him to another man who has RA.
The other concerns mentioned about his possible cheating, drinking, etc., I agree that RA is not an excuse for them. Any one of us could have chosen that route to deal with this, but we didn't. This is a separate problem and needs to be addressed whether or not he is sick.
Regarding experience with something like this. In my first marriage, my husband was doing much of the same behavior and it has taken many years for me to learn even the partial truth in it. He basically kept it from me for a year that he might have cancer in his knee. Only after they did surgery, did he tell me. His behavior was very similar to your husband's. He was out all night, drinking himself to oblivion, etc. I thought he was cheating and to this day I still don't know for sure.
But what he was doing destroyed our relationship. I had my part in that failure. But now, looking back over it and getting to know him better as I have learned to see him through his siblings eyes and his children's, I can see he was terribly scared and thought I would leave him.
I did leave him. But I left him because he became abusive and pushed me away. If he can be reached before he destroys everything, and yes that might mean living apart, it would save your family. But this is so much up to him. You can't control what he does, only how you react to it. And, that is the hard part.
It's like he wants out PHYSICALLY but he still wants me around EMOTIONALLY and to contimue to support him and do things for him. He wants a divorce but to still be on my insurance and my cell phone acct...I told him no. I know he doesn't want to leave, he has it good where he is at and if he does leave he will realize it but if he leaves I can't take him back...he will have torn apart my daughter and she is most important to me, not him. He wants his cake and eat it too...he is very immature and needs to grow up and it may have to be without me. I am not a booty call or his errand girl...this is killing me, he knows hwhat he is doing and that I can't keep the house financially. He said he would give me money...yeah, but for how long? He said he still wants to see my daughter he has raised for 9 years...until that dwindles off when he is free swinging in his new single, party life. I will tell you, since he was diagnosed he has changed and he has pushed away anyone that means anything to him...including making new "questionable" friends, I even see some of his old and what I though were forgotten aspects of his life are back...I think he uses these people as diversion of his realty...his party friends...my husband used to be the man of the hour at the party scene, all the girls loved him and he is getting that attention again and he loves it. He said he wouldn't cheat on me...I think he wants out, like I said, so he can basically be a man whore with no emotion and basically just run away from DEALING with it and use his vices to mask the fact he is sick but he can't hurt the people he loves so he will use his new party friends and who cares about thier emotions.
He has been better lately, I think the Plaquenil is kicking in and I have only seen him once where he could only lay on the couch and not move much and that was in the beginning. He is also on 10mg of steroids for the past 2 months. He is emotionally detaching himself...he says he loves me and we are both off a lot this coming weekend (Friday is my birthday...and I am not looking forward to it anymore
IF I have to let this marriage go I will, he will help me keep the house for my daughter but I will have to let him go completely, not even see him, it will be too hard...especially if he is with another woman. He said it would tear him apart to see me date too. I am so confused, he is acting so destructive and hurtful...I don't think he wants out either, I think he is hurting terribly.
I don't think his actions have much to do with the RA. There are too many things going on that point to other problems. I think your suspicions on possibly cheating is something that needs to be looked into.
There is a womans message board that deals with tons of issues women go through, and one of them is being a wife of someone who is or who is possibly cheating. They have some very good advice since most have gone though this. It might be a place that you might want to post and get some advice. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery
Sending good thoughts your way,
Kelly
I think one thing that has not been mentioned is how was your marriage before the illness struck. Is the behavior you are describing a reaction to the illness, or was this going on before?Predisone will alter someones personality pretty good too. That MIGHT be a factor; although I really feel like this is one SELFISH man.
I'm sorry you have to face all this; but it sounds like you have the maturity to handle what's ahead and sadly he does not. Years down the road he will be the one living with regret. Not you.
Hang in there.
I wish some of the guys would weigh in here.I am sorry for your troubles. Men seem to take this much harder than women, I assume it's because they always think they need to be the rock of the family.
How often does he drink? Drinking messes with emotions and medications and can make people not think streight.
He does need help. You do need to talk to him, don't let this end without getting everything out in the open. Make sure it doesn't matter to the two of you that he is in such pain (well, it does matter of course) that it won't effect what you think of him in any way.
Make sure you tell him he needs some counseling and that he possible get some depression pills. There are many out there that can help. I found that this disease causes depression and so do many meds.
I wish your family well.
I was also thinking, It is possible he may be cheating, but when pain is horribly bad like mine (and possibly his) you don't think of that, in fact sex ends up low on your list of priorities. How bad is his pain?
It's not so bad that he has to stay home in the evenings. It's not so bad that it prevents him from staying out partying.
I'm not saying he's cheating....none of us could know that; but don't let this man blame all of his childish behavior on RA. He's in his early 30ties. He has a wife and a child.....I'd be willing to bet he's been like this long before RA set in. Am I right?
He has a lot of friends and one of his friends lives right next door where he has been spending a lot of his time. The going out thing has increases 100% in the past few months but he would go out accasionally before. He definately is going out more now, this weekend he didn't want to be home so he was out very late. I can only tell you what he tells me that he wakes up and shuffles like and old man, he has limited motion with his arms and his knees and hips hurt. He can get around fine and him going out he would do no matter hwat, it is apparently his coping mechanism. He said he is not cheating, i asked if there is anyone he want to date and he said no, it's not about other women, it's about how we fight all of the time and we do more now since his behavor has changed. His sex drive DID go down. What you need to know also is he works from 12-10PM, he is on the 10:45pm train and is home 1 hour later and 10 minutes to get home from the train station. Then it is either off to the neighbors or out with his friends I trust...they would tell me if he was with another girl, they love me and my daughter too. I just feel he wants to push away everyone who cares and he cares for so they don't see him like this suffering. He drinks every day...somedays a few beers, others drunk as a skunk. He says the beer helps numb him. He has been up and down, he is always not down but mostly.
He knows what he has with me and people say they don't think he wants to leave, he just doesn't feel in control of anything anymore and that he can control. If he did leave and another woman was to enter the picture it would be for sex only...no emotion, he doesn't seem to want feelings involved right now.
We have been together 10 years, I KNOW my husband...he is running from what he cannot control. He is hurting the oones he loves but he doesn't want to, he wants me to go away so I don't hurt too. He said before all fo this "if i ever was not able to function just take me out back and shoot me" and he feelsl like that now...he said he would be dead right now if it wasn't for my daughter.
I think you are getting taken advantage of. RA does not excuse bad behavior. It sounds to me like he is using RA as an excuse to act and behave badly. He now has a good excuse to stay out late and party. And I would not assume his friends would tell you if something is going on, mine wouldn't tell my wife. Only you can decide what you can live with. But I know if I acted this way because of my RA, my wife would show me the door if I didn't shape up. This is already affecting your child and the drinking, fighting and staying out late hurts her much more than your husband having RA. To be perfectly honest, I have used the same excuse before when I've stayed out to late and it was a total lie. I just wanted to stay out and party. But this was a long time ago and I will never act that way again and my wife made it clear that this bevavior was unacceptable.
I am so sorry this is happening to your husband, you, and your family. I agree with everyone. RA is not fun, but it isn't something you can use to excuse bad behavior. I also agree with you that it sounds very much like your husband is going through a depression of some sort. Maybe even an identity crisis. I can see he doesn't want you or your daughter to see him like this, but from what I understand, there are medications out there that help to prevent becoming crippled like he said he was. I can't understand if he was that crippled, having that severe RA, that he would be able to go out all night and even go out to drink! I don't think I have severe RA, but during my last flare I couldn't move. The last thing on my mind was going out all night. There was just no way. Even if he is using RA as an excuse to behaive that way, I think the thing his is most scared of is having you and your daughter see his depression. Nothing you can say or do will help him get out of it ( of course being there for him and giving him your support will be what he needs), but I think he needs to get some outside help. He sounds really depressed to me. What about the local Arthritis society in your area? Is there anyone there your husband can talk to. I agree, having another man's perspective on this would be great for him. Maybe he will open up and talk more about what is bothering him with someone with the same problem or someone who is going through the same situation. This is a really tough thing you are going through. I am so sorry. It isn't easy. We are here if you need to talk, vent, or what ever.No doubt he's having a hard time dealing....but he's having a hard time dealing with a lot more than RA I'm afraid.
I'm so so sorry for your situation. I'm glad you have this forum for support. Keep fighting for him! No matter what he thinks is best for him, he isn't himself right now and he can't make big decisions like this before he gets the pain under control!
Keep your chin up.
Best,
T
I've been reading the comments and a very difficult situation that I have been dealing with for a long time seems to parallel yours only it is not a marriage, but the situation with my daughter.
My daughter is bipolar. The diagnosis took a long time. She tried drugs. I made several trips to ER with her and put her straight into counseling. Fortunately this stopped her and discouraged her younger brother from doing the same thing. Then, she started drinking and it was clear that she had all the signs of being an alcholic. More treatment and a very hard line. Then, she is self-abusive, a cutter and suicidal. This meant a trip to the ER and an overnight stay in a horrible mental intake center. That stopped the suicide attempts and cutting. The place scared her to death.
She hasn't wanted to take responsibility and was content to stay with me forever. Plus, she wasn't getting the help she needed as long as she did. She was on pain pills and psych meds and at the age of 24, I had no control over her actions. I had to make the very hard decision to place her in a residential home.
The summation of this is that she has learned that she has to take personal responsibility for her own health and actions. She has FM, endometriosis, and a bulging disc in her back. But none of that is an excuse for treating others badly.
I guess boundaries is the real issue and it sounds like you are ready to set them. Think hard what you need. Then stick to it. It's hard. It's heart breaking. But in the end you just might save his life in more ways than one. And, hopefully, you relationship will survive and you will have the wonderful part of him back.
So sorry for the turmoil and pain you are going through.
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I think the others have given you some good advice. Have you considered an arthritis support group for both of you in addition to the private counseling you are wisely doing. Most hospitals have an ongoing free support group. There will probably be a few men although women with RA outnumber them. It might be a place where he could compare notes with others. Also, it sounds like he doesn't have the RA under control yet. The beginning experiments with new meds can be really rough and cause depression. He needs to know it gets better with time. Can you get him to read the AI boards? It is a difficult situation, and maybe the counseling will help--if his behavior is due to fear or depression. But my bet is that he is just out playing. RA wears you out. I hate to admit, I agree that it is fishy that he could even go out after working all day. His meds must be working. And I agree with Hutch. My husband comes from a large but close group of friends. They grew up together, their parents went to high school together. I started going to school with them in junior high and have been with my husband for 12 years. I am like one of the guys. We are all very good friends. But I know that they would keep my husbands secrets. That is just part of the unspoken male code of honor. Alot of women wont get involved if the guy is friends with their husband because they know it will break their husbands trust. Dont ever count on anyone telling you unless they are your friend not his and they have no ties what so ever to him. Meaning not a co worker or a neighbor. People dont want to have to see the person that they squeeled on everyday.I see alot of my life in what you are going through. I have been there and still am. I could write a book about it. Whatever you do, please try to keep your self esteem. Nothing anyone else does is your fault. I always thought it was my fault that my husband did what yours is doing, but it's not. I pray you can be strong until this is resolved.
Delta Elise
Well...last night I called a few of his friends and the one said he has never seen anyone and the ONE friend we both have is his best friend since he moved here in 2000 Chris. Chris is the kind of guy who doesn't get involved in people's business but he knows the pain I am going through now. He does not tolerate cheating and I think if my husband was cheating he would say something to him and them tell him he will tell me if things don't change or he would tell him to do the right thing and leave me if he wanted to be with someone else. My neighbor would tell my husband to go for it...I hate that man!
Anyway...I don't think he is physically cheating. I have found a phone number on his cell that he calls but it is always for only 1 minute. Let's digress a bit: I am about to share with you my past and since none of you really know me I feel ok doing this and I may get a better opinion of the situation:
I believed my husband is using marijuana, possibly selling it also. His cell usage has gone up, he has women calling him (and men) and he is making a LOT of calls. I called him on it last night and he said he is selling to a few friends and I told him quit or get the hell out! He used to deal back when he was a teenager and apparently it has come around again. I thought we got past that but he has met a lot of people riding the train to work that are apparently not very positive influences. We are going to a councelor we used before for marriage counceling and I am laying it ALL on the line...either you quit everything you are doing or I am gone. I will sell the house, not give you a DIME and you will never know we existed. I do not do that crap, I do not tolerate it either! I called his mother and brother last night and told them EVERYTHING that is going on and possibly an affair going on. His brother thought the one person he is calling (which is female) is strictly selling related, he doesn't think he is having an affair. This next part is NOT an excuse for his behavior:
My husband is scared. He was fine one day and the next he couldn't get off the couch. I think he is very depressed and he is using Alcohol and pot to try and ease his physical and mental pain. Some days he is bad, he can't really walk and his hands are very swollen but my husband STILL goes to work. He has this very strong work ethic, he could be sick with it coming out both ends and he goes to work, he feels he HAS to work and the whole mentallity that the man provides for his family. I think he is selling to make money to make sure he can provide for us, I think he is scared that he can't work his regular job as a chef (plus FYI...drugs are BIG in the food industry) and no his meds are nor working fully yet and he is frustrated, scared and I think the double life is coming crashing down on him. Between his regular job, selling, using pot and alcohol, staying out late and no sleep and the pain of his RA - he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I can't be strong for him now knowing he is selling, I feel betrayed and I am rallt contemplating divorce now. Things have come 180 and I am seeing him in a different light. I will bring it ALL to the table Thursday in counceling and say my peace.
Andrea: You've received a lot of advice and you can pick and choose the bits that fit your situation but there is one bit of advice that's missing.........Seek legal advice.
Your husband is being reckless with no regard to yourself or your daughter. You have a child, a house and possessions that you need to protect - the operative word here is protect. Seeking legal advice doesn't mean that you've given up on the relationship, it just means that you're taking responsibility of all the other aspects of a relationship - the tangible things. These things will help support you, keep a roof over your head, feed you and your daughter if push comes to shove.
You don't have any control over your husband's life if he chooses to live it this way, but you do have control over your life and your daughters and what happens to the two of you. I personally would stop fighting or arguing with him, let him come and go as he chooses and see how he responds to not being the center of your universe. But do seek some legal advice. You may never have to use it but be prepared if you do. Take care.
I agree with LindaB, with the involvement of drugs, you do need legal advice. He gets in trouble for this and you could lose your home or worse.
As far as his behavior, he is on a self-destructive path. Some people have to crash before they come to terms with their lives whatever those lives may consist of. It seems he is doing that, becoming completely out of control.
Adding drugs to this mixture and he is not going to come to his senses. As long as they self-medicate with drugs, they can't work it out. It happens over and over again.
You must first think of yourself and your daughter and what needs to happen for you both. This is really separate from whether or not you stay married. Right now, you need to bring the situatio under control to the best of your ability.
What is it you need to do then? I think LindaB has a excellent suggestion. Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself, your home and your child. If he is dealing that much drugs, it's a very serious thing and the cops could include you in anything he does.
I don't know why some people have to get so stupid (him) before they get smart.
What a horrid thing to be going through.
I agree with the girls.
Truth is; lots of folks with chronic illnesses smoke a little pot now and then and it is an excellent alternative to overwhelming pain medications; but what your husband is doing is dangerous for you and your daughter.
He's putting his whole family at risk. There are other ways to make extra money.....he doesn't have to do this; it's just something that fits in with his partying life style and makes him a little money and gets him free smoke at the same time. It's not the kind of "Side job" a responsible family man should be doing.
He's a chef for crying out loud. If he would stop being so selfish and use his imagination there are any number of things he could come up with to add to his income with that sort of talent. Come on.
I don't think I have to tell you what would happen if your husband got busted in your home selling drugs. You too would end up getting pulled into it and Social Services would step in and do what's in the best interest of your daughter. I know that sounds dramatic; but it's something that should not be far from your thoughts when you are considering how to handle this situation. It's not just you.
Be strong girlfriend. It's a diffiuclt situation to say the least.
I know...I lladi it all on the line for you guys. I do not do drugs and I do not allow them in my home. I will contact a lawyer so I am covered. I did ask him if he were to have to choose he said he would choose his family so I hope that rings true. I wish terribly it was Thursday so I could be telling him how I feel with a licensed therapist there and he might finally HEAR someone...
I know this disease is PART of the problem and I agree, he works and why does he have to do all of the other crap?? He is in denial and he is self destructive right now and I will not let him take us with him.
You are very brave to be facing this head on.I think there is a lot more going on than just RA, He may need anti-depressants and counseling also. I got dx with RA in November and once I started the MTX and Enbral I haven't had any beer at all,and I loved my beer. The meds are bad enough on my liver and kidneys so that adding alcohol will make it worse does not make sense and besides, alcohol also decreases the effectivity of the meds. I need the meds to do their job just so I can function and I don't mean sexually because when I'm hurting that is the last thing on my mind. I am lucky in that I have an amazing women at home. I don't think I could handle this disease without her support and I would not do anything to jepordize that support. There is something else troubling him and we can only hope and pray you find find out what it is before he destroys everything. A responsible man does not do what he is doing, he would start preparing for when he cannot work and ensure his family is taken care of instead of partying.Good for you.
My sister is the one with the troubles in our family, she is almost 40 now and still causing problems for everyone. Her kids were raised horribly and are now in their teens, they don't go to school etc. She is on drugs, drinking, etc. you name it and blames her life still on our parents who basicly did nothing to her but get devorced when we were young.
My older sister and mom are constantly taking care of her or trying to and I keep telling them to let her go. She is basicly ruining their lives along with her own because she won't fix herself. But they won't listen.
It is a vicious cycle, but you have to let people go at some point so you can take care of yourself. I know your situation is a little different and what you did was the correct thing.
You gave your child the help she needs all while giving you the help you need. That is a good thing.
God bless.
Don't back down, you are completely in the right.Do not feel guilty. If he is dealing, don't assume it is just marijuana. drugs, partying and staying out late usually goes along with fooling around. I do not know either of you personally, so I can only speak from personal experience and the things you say in your posts. But I think he is using RA to make you feel bad for him and make you feel guilty to get away with a destructive lifestyle that he does not want to give up. I feel really bad you are going through this and hope things get better.I tend to agree.
RA sucks....and is really painful at times; but it doesn't excuse his behavior. NOT that you're saying it does.
I know you're not saying that at all.
I am not covinced he is cheating and I am not sure he isn't either...there is not enough changes in his routine...he leaves for work and comes home the same time every day, if he goes out it is next door or out with people I know and are friends with, he is not dressing better or trying to look nicer, he doesn't shower when he gets home, nothing.
It's funny...today he came by my work brfore going to his work and he says "why did you tell Jeff we are getting divorced? So we are getting divorced now?" He's not going anywhere, he is just so messed up with the drugs, alcohol and the RA that he can't figure out what he is doing. He told me he would stop selling, he said he did it for free weed. I am not letting my guard down though....he also got mad I have been checking the phone records...he said "yuo are checkingon me like I am a child' and I was like if it walks like a duck...
I just can't wait for Thursday...I will let you all know what happens...I feel like I need to go down the street to the Springer show with this crap! GEEZE! (I work downtown Chicago where they film Springer - almost worked for the guy once) My life is such DRAMA! I feel like a talk show subject seriously! Call Maury or Geraldo! I got one heck of a show for ya!!!
Best of luck on Thursday.
Don't feel bad....I've heard much worse drama. You'd be surprised.
I know it has been said but if he is selling drugs you need to protect yourself...you need to make sure there are no drugs in the house.
He is putting you and your family in a precarious legal situation. Please take care of yourself.
I wish you the best.
Well...He called me twice last night from work which is not the norm lately. I gave him a letter just basically saying if he wants this marriage things have to change and he came home at 2:22AM and he was not drunk but almost in a weird state...he was saying that he is worried about his boss, he is being so nice to him and how can he have it out with him in the GM's office and now he is si nice, how he has to watch his evey move. Then he was saying something about how it took so long to get the pre approval for his shots and it was like he was on another planet. He is REALLY on the verge of a nervous breakdown! He was rambling on and I made him go to bed and he was holding me so tight...the man is scared I tell you!
He said I was right about the people he sells to and he is stopping. I stared to cry and told him that he and I are living 2 different lives, that he is never home and when he is he devotes his time to other people. He needs therapy badly...I WISH it was tomorrow and we were there already! It was very sad last night, he was like a scared child and he couldn't really describe what he was feeling or thinking.
That is strange behavior. It may be from drugs, coming off drugs or as you seem to be suggesting a mental breakdown.
When you go to the counselor tomorrow be sure you express your concerns over this type of behavior as it might indicate he has a mental condition or needs some kind of rehab. Also, as others have mentioned some of the meds we use can cause real swings in emotion.
See if they can get him to a full mental evaluation. Is he showing any signs of being suicidal? He seems very depressed.
If things escaluate between now and tomorrow, don't hesitate to call your community crisis line. They can be very helpful. You can call them yourself to get help dealing with this or if you need help calming your husband down.
When my ex went off the weed, his behavior got more irratic and my counselor told me that is often the case. So, he might actually be trying to do what you asking. But if that's the case, he might need a program to help make it work. If he is mixing street meds with his RD meds, that's real trouble.
On the other hand, if he is playing games to work your sympathies, then asking the counselor about getting a further evaluation, possibilities of suicidal thoughts, etc. will probably scare him out of pursuing that any further.
Lupus can affect the mind in its worse stages, but that is rare. Side effects from meds possibly, maybe.
But it sounds like something else is going on here.
I have called crisis numbers in the past and have always been happy that I did. It got the ball rolling in the right direction and to the correct kind of help faster. Your husband's problems sound more serious than marital conflicts.
If he got off work before mid-night and didn't come home until after 2am chance are he was drinking and who knows what else.
My ex-husband use to come home freaked out like that at the wee hours of the morning after drinking, drugging and gambling. He knew I was on the verge of leaving him and it usually hit him as he drove home drunk and had to think about coming home and explaining why he was out so late without calling. He knew the sight of a grown man crying and so upset always worked to his advantage when no excuse would really be acceptable.
The next day after he'd sobered up he'd be fine. We never Things never changed though.
Its like Lovie says, he feels guilty and doesn't want to lose you. especially with a counselling appt. coming up. Out till 2:22am and then realized he would be in big trouble with you. From what you have said in your posts, I would guess he has a coke or meth habit. I hope this is not the case and hope he can beat it if it is. Make sure you protect your money and savings and that you know where money is being spent.
I tend to agree with Hutch.
Let's think this through slightly. You folks with RA think about this: You have RA....you are in such bad shape that you are counting the days until you qualify for Humira or another form of biologic to get your straightened out. You are working 12 hour shifts.....and then staying out partying another 4 or 5 hours after that? How likely is that? Could very well be more here than meets the eye. I'm not sure how many of you have experience with smoking pot; but it's not the type of drug that picks you up and causes you to keep going and going and going. Especially if you are exhasted already.
Not that the problems aren't bad enough; but Hutch could very well be right. Get your house in order sister....this could be unpredictable.
Does your insurance pay for drug rehab. I think it sounds like he needs a rehab with intensive counseling and taking a good look at himself. He does sound like he absolutely has a problem with substance abuse and that is more destructive than RA. RA is no excuse for any of this behavior.
Take care of YOU and your family. That is the best thing you can do for him.
DITTO, DITTO, DITTO....After counseliing, my next appt. would be with a lawyer. See my previous message to you. I hope that you don't think I sound harsh but this is reality. One counseling session isn't going to halt his behavior and mend your marriage. Maybe 20 counseling sessions won't help - you need to be prepared and able to protect yourself and your child. In fact if the counseling session isn't satisfactory and his reckless behavior continues through the weekend I'd be tempted to have his bags packed for him. He's using drugs and that means he's lying. Drug users aren't known for their honesty when they're confronted. Are your parents, siblings in the area? Do you have some emotional support besides your mutual friends who may turn out to be his friends in the end? He has all the control now because he's playing with your emotions and you have to take control of the situation. Remember, the one who has control has the power. Lindy makes a very good point about "mutual friends". It's funny how things turn different real quick once things get ugly.We both take the train to work and it is an hour commute each way. He has smoked pot for years and did before he got RA. The selling is new though...I am sticking to my guns on the selling thing...he stops completely or I am GONE! This is going to be my topic of conversation tomorrow at the therapist...we are getting the meds for his RA, it's the selling and the lying that needs to be addressed. I think last night was exhaustion...you have to know my husband, he worked 3 jobs before...all in the same day (before RA) and got 3-4 hours a of sleep a day. He sometimes works 14-17 hour days at work now and gets 4 hours of sleep and goes to work the next day. In pain and swolen, he goes to work. He comes home and drinks beer, sometimes lots of it, gets little sleep and goes to work. No matter what, unless he cannot move at ALL he will go to work...has the flu he goes to work, slice his finger open to where he needs stiches he tapes it up and goes back to work. All I can say is he WORKS no matter what! Sunday, his only day off, he sleeps a good part of the day and I guess catches up on lost sleep. He has been like this the entire 10 years I have known him. I know his RA is bad sometimes but I guess his way of dealing with it is drinking and smoking. We talk to the doctor tomorrow, we have been seeing his nurse practitioner who is excellent, but when he was told about my husband and his behavior he wants to see him personally tomorrow.
I was so sad this morning that I called him and said I am not strong enough to do this anymore, that I was leaving, and he called and called me at work...I had to answer before I got into trouble! He said he is stopping the selling and people still call but he is telling them he is not doing it anymore. I don't know what to believe. He said he hasn't smoked in like 5 days himself and has not sold any either. I just get so hurt when females call him, I don't care if it is for pot, it hurts...he is MY husband, he should be talking to me!! It sounds stupid but this whole past few weeks has really urt me badly and the onlt good thing is I am on my way to losing that 20 pounds!!
In a drug rehab program they require drug testing. He has done an awful lot to destroy your trust. It's time he builds it back up step by step -- if your marriage can survive all this.
It is so awful what you are going through. But you are a bright, strong woman. You will sort it out. Stick to your guns.
Don't feel bad Sweetie. None of us want other women calling our husbands. You have every right to not like that.
I'll be thinking about you tomorrow as you have your appointment. I wish you the best of luck. Please let us know how it turns out.
If what he says is true, he should be able to cancel cellphone coverage, change number or leave phone at home. A little time apart is not always a bad thing, doesn't mean the marriage is over. It isn't stupid to be hurt by calls, you really don't know for sure if he is cheating on you. Again hardwork and RA is not an excuse for bad behavior, most of the people here are still working or had worked many years with great pain from RA. How is your daughter doing? I'm sure she knows something is going on. Even if she doesn't see or hear specifics, kids usually know. Good luck tommorrow
Do they call your house or a cell phone or a beeper?
If cell or beeper, get rid of it now, if home phone, change the number now, then see what happens.
I personally know this whole situation and just want to say on behalf of me and my husband that all the women might not be customers and drugs tend to make people do stupid stuff with the oposite sex.
Just be prepared for what might happen. I have been through it all, a drug addict, sales of drugs a long time ago, alcoholic, RA, husband cheating etc. etc. etc.
I agree with what so many of you are saying. I think the bottom line is to be supportive and be strong, but dont let your guard down and make sure you protect yourself and most importantly your daughter. Good luck at the counseling, and remember that the willingness to follow the advice of a counseler often wears away... dont expect a miricle from one visit. I promise you when I say we all are rooting for you...and for him. We all want the best outcome for your family.It's so back and forth...it is 11pm and he is still at work right now. He works at a private club and some diplomat or something from one of our ally countries over by Iraq is there...with like a million body guards. He ordered 00 in caviar! He does get some really important government people there sometimes.
I am GLAD he missed the 10:57 train, that is the one with all of the "train people" on it. Today a new number on the cell phone and I called it...can you GUESS who answered? A female..surprise, surprise!
I would LOVE a guys view on this, us women tend to think with our emotions and guys think differently. Maybe now that I am home alone I can elaborate on my relationship...I know it is an RA board and I stillt hink RA has a part in this...
I met Paul (the husband to be refered to from now on as Paul) in 1997 a little over 1 year after my divorce. My forst husband cheated on my our whole marriage but I never knew except the one in the end that I caught him with. He told me about all of the other women later on and actually we have a good relationship now but he is not in our daughter's life because he knows he is not a good father and she is in much better hands with me and she is, she is great, smart, beautiful. I met Paul and he was a drug dealer, womanizer and had 3 girls he was seeing at the time. He was 21 and living the high life (literally). I do not and never did any drugs so I was not too into the realtionship, just friends, but he TRIED ladies, let me tell you. I told him I was not a whore or a 1 nite stand so he backed off...but it intrigued him. All the other girls gave it up right away but I was what he called a "lady" so he pursued me HARD. I was 26 and had a 1 year old and was not looking for love or a father for my kid. He sold pot, coke, ectasy and acid. He didn't deal crack, meth or any really hard core stuff. He was a user, used all that he sold, never shot up or smoked a crack pipe. (boy, talk about laying it all on the line...) He was the man to know, loved the ladies and all the attention.
Well, let's go 6 months later...he really fell for me and stopped selling, fell in love with my daughter and changed for the better...got rid of the party friends and we lived our life.
Now we are here, almost 10 years later and he starts working downtown Chicago. The restaurant biz is known for drugs and alcohol use. He has been downtown for 2 years now and we have mass transit in the form of the Metra Train. Well, he takes the later train home and it is always jumping...people coming home drunk from Cubs (BOO!) and Sox games, concerts and late from work. Being his personality he makes friends easily. Well he met this guy who apparently sold weed. When you deal like my husband used to back in the day you are used to a big bankroll and spending money freely so this problem has always been his biggest downfall. He saw selling again as a way to make extra spending cash for his PSP games, CD's and whatnot. He did not tell me and I found out when he was going out wth his legit friends, leaving them at 1;30 am and not coming home until 4:30 am. I would call his friend asking "Is Paul with you?" and he says no we parted ways around 1:30-ish. So I freak out, where is he? So when he came home I jumped him "where were you? Chris said you left at 1:30 and it's now 4:30"...you get the picture. SO he tells me what he is doing, only a few people, a guy from the train. Well, you know the rest, it apparently has GROWN and now there are more women calling than men and of course he says they all call for pot. I am bothered because he said not all of them are from the train!! So he is meeting them in bars perhaps? I am not sure...that questioning will come tonight or tomorrow in counceling. So this morning I see a new number and I freak...I call his cell and he never answers when I call anymore...and I leave a message...I am not strong enough for this, you have all these women calling you and you tell me it is for pot but I can't trust you. I am heart broken and every call is like you are cheating on me, that is how I feel. I am cancelling all your appointments and you can do it on your own. I can't be used like you have been using me...I feel USED! I will take my daughter and when you have moved out we will come back and get our lives in order.
WELL...he calls my work like a banshee! Call, Call, Call...I finally had to answer because the calls go thru a switchboard. He said he is stopping, that he answers the calls so he can tell them he is not doing it anymore...but I don't trust him. Trust is VERY hard for me to give because of what I have been through with my first marriage. He says he is not cheating but I see things and it gets the mind racing and I just have doubt. I am at the point of can I ever trust him again? Will I ever get the truth?
THEN last night he comes home completely exhausted and starts saying about how long it took to get the shots (I had insurance and doctor issues trying to get them to do what needed to be done for the pre approval) and he said that our friend takes methatrexate and is out of comission for a whole day and he doesn't want to be like that. I tell him he isn't on that and tomorrow he can go off steroids and the Humira will help him and give him more energy. He's spent, the man has no sleep, he works like a dog, he is stressed out, trying to live the double life and he may lose his wife and kid. The RA has been a real shock to him, he just turned 30 and I thought this was a mid life thing but I think when he went from a knee injury one day to full blown RA within 3 months and one day he can't even move he freaked. "Why me" is the phrase he uses, and part of me thinks he needs his old life back so he feels young again, women still find him attractive, he has the attention but it is the WRONG attention. our relationship since the first of the year has been strained, the sex stopped for a while, he was in a lot of pain and he started to self medicate. Lately he has been holding me at night with the death grip, practically laying on me and I can't breathe! He never does that and I know he is afraid he is going to lose his only support in this. Other girls are just that, other girls, they do not have an emotional connection and he certainly would not let them onto his life to do the things I do like take him to the doctor. learn about this disease, learn to give him shots. He thinks his life is over and I think the train people and the women and everything is a grasp at his life before when he was young and could feel invincible and alive. He is worried about providing for us if he can't work with his hands. All of this I feel is true but it still is tearing me up inside, that he turns to other women's attention to feel good. I feel ugly, fat, not good enough and I know it isn;t true. What a combo this has made my husband become such a person I don't know or want to know.
Well, I have written a short story but I think you can fully understand what it is here...and tomorrow will decide for me if it is going to work or not, if he wants his marriage he HAS to change and I will not accept anything less. He has to earn my trust again and my families...he has pisse doff my parents by not giving me all of his paycheck, he gives me some and I can't pay the bills. I need to know where the money has gone, to front for pot or what. If I find out he has been having a affair I will leave him. It all comes down to one meting tomorrow....I will let you know what happens...I'm scared out of my mind.
I really hope tomorrow goes well, but one visit is not going get this under some kind of control that you can live with. I really think you should call a lawyer, even a lawyer referral service. You need someone to give you advice on how to protect yourself, your daughter, your money and your property.
He is putting you through emotional hell because he cannot deal with the situation and he is doing all negative things. It is not fair to you. He will drain you emotionally as long as he can get away with it.
Even though you said he is not abusive, I am wondering if you can get him removed from the house because of his drug dealing and whether that would require a restraining order if he won't go willingly.
I am so worried that if he screws up and gets caught selling or possessing drugs, you will have problems keeping your daughter who is obviously the most important person in the world to you. The police might hold you just as responsible as him and you could lose everything.
From all that you describe, he needs to move out and stay out until he has proven he is totally clean. But as you describe it, I don't know how you could find trust in him again. Too many people on here, including some of the men, have said it sounds like cheating. You seem to think he is.
I agree that even if he isn't physically being with someone, he is married to the drugs now, not you. That has become his priority and his life style.
Think of it this way. I have two kids that I was supporting when I first got sick. What if I did the same things your husband did? Would you excuse me of my behavior? No matter how sick I have been, I have always been responsible for my actions and the way I treat others. If anything, it has made me more sensitive to the needs of others.
This is completely self-destructive behavior and I can't see how anyone can say RA is at the core of the problem. RA is there and may be the catalyst for his starting this behavior again. But it is the excuse, not the reason. The reason is that he wants this again.
Ten years is a long time to be with someone and then have this spiral back down.
For your own emotional well-being and the security and safety of your child, please go with your instinct to get him out of the house. This will give you a breather and then help you put everything in perspective. It will also make him decide which way his life is going to go from here.
I know you want to be supportive and you show such compassion for his illness. I am certain you want to stand behind him in a difficult situation. But he has to do his part. You cannot hold up another person who is being self-destructive. They will just destroy you as well.
Whatever happens, my heart is with you. I know you will discern what is the best path for you.
Deanna is right about one thing 100%. This is not about RA. RA is a good excuse for him at this point; but it's rediculous to blame any of his behavior on RA.
He'll be lucky if he doesn't end up in jail soon. I could be wrong; but one of your husbands new found friends on the train just might one day turn out to be an under cover agent.
This sounds like a serious situation.....and I'm not talking about the "Cheating" or you thinking he might be cheating. I'm talking about his reckless behavior.
It sounds as if we're talking about a 21 year old college student; not a 30 year old married career man with a young step daughter.
Good Luck today. I hope you get the help YOU need. Your husband can't be helped if he doesn't want to be.....but you yourself could use some guidence.
This is my last post on the subject. I am a man. I have had personal experience in the lifestyle you describe. Read my former posts. Coke, X and acid are part of the really hardcore stuff! Good luck to youOkay, here's a guys take. Straight up, no nicey, nicey.
He's definitely cheating. Given his life to this point, the industry he's in, the party life he's attracted to... if he's not getting it at home he'll get it someplace else since he can get away with it.
The partying seems to me to be mainly that he's avoiding his home life. Who wants to go home to conflict? Partying is much more fun and the conflict will always be there when you get home. There can be people at home that you really love (you and your daughter), but if when you go home you don't get to indulge in that love and only have sh*t to deal with, well, sometimes its easier just not to go home. You still have those people you love, your just not with them right now.
In spite of how much you've written, I still don't get a solid feel for why he's around. That you've been together for this long makes me think there's something there worth holding on to for him. Is it you or what you do for him? I think you're an oasis in his crazy life and the stability of having you and your daughter in his life means something to him. If his standard of living would go down significantly leaving you and he's a real letch he might be staying for that. You can trust your judgement on that call.
So how do you deal with it? That's a real tough one.
How do you stop him from cheating? He needs to appreciate how disrespectful it is for him to do it. He's representing you when he's out. He needs to know that every time he's hitting on or fooling around with another woman he might as well be slapping you in the face in front of everyone. He doesn't see it. If he knew that every time he fooled around on you you would go out and fool around with one of his friends it might put things in perspective. Get him to stay home one afternoon and go out partying with his closest buddies (don't ask his permission). Come back at 5am all hammered and looking like you just had a good romp. The next day when you talk about fidelity issues, he'll have a much better perspective.
The partying? Initially that was probably escapism from the crap at home, not the RA. Its also a hard cycle to stop. It's like quitting smoking; some people quit cold turkey, others ween themselves off. You need to figure out which way works for him. Letting him 'party at home' with you can be a stepping stone. At least it breaks him from the group of friends that keep encouraging him to stay out. Quitting the party crowd is really what he needs to do and that isn't easy given the business he's in.
'The crowd' is a pretty big factor and worth dwelling on. If you surround yourself with a bunch of people who party away from their families and fool around, that's what you will do. If you hang out with a bunch of women who complain about their husbands all the time that's what you will do. If you hang out with momen who respect their husbands and have good relationships, you are more likely to have that life too.
As a couple, its good to hang out with couples that have strong relationships. There are groups of couples that party like fiends together and still have stong marital relationships. There are groups of couples who have very granola lives and have strong marital relationships. You need to drag yourself and your husband into a lifestyle that is centered around couples with positive relationships. This may mean changing who you hang out with too. You need to find couples where the women are positive about their spouses and so are the husbands. Eventually the attitudes infect you and your relationship will follow that path.
I agree with hutch too. Coke, X and acid are on the hardcore side. Pot's benign, let that be his crutch.
I agree....
and I have to tell you, and this is just being honost, but when I read your story of how you and "paul" got together...all I could think was "what were you thinking?" I know that you have a different perspective on the situation b/c you see all of