We have had alot of posts lately from gals who have unsupportive husbands. Not too many of you guys really responded to those and I wondered if any of you could shed some male perspective on these situations. I think we all have good guys, some of them just arent as receptive as others.no takers huh?I'd like to hear from the men as well. Come on guys....speak up!!
It would be good if they could respond to how we should communciate with them, what they are thinking in their heads etc.
You are asking men to talk about their feelings to a bunch of strangers. It is hard enough to get it out of them when you are intimate. Maybe the anonymity will helpEventually he'd had enough of it and figured out there was something wrong. I eventually told him and once he realized that I was avoiding a serious relationship with him due to my health problems he took it upon himself to investigate RA and learn how it affected my life.
I'd never been so touched in my entire life. It sure did prove to me what he was made of and how devoted to me he already was. My first husband never went to nearly as much trouble during our entire marriage.
Eventually he talked me into getting married despite the my uncertain future. He said "Whatever happens; we'll face it together." So far so good....I've never had anyone care for me the way he does. It's made me so happy.
SO; I'd advise you to hold off for a little while until you know what this man's made of. Eventually it will either scare him off completely....or draw him closer. Either way; he'll have to know.
It's not advise from a man....but it's personal experience from another woman who's been there.
A man's opinion would be nice though wouldn't it?
Thanks Lovie! The more I think of it, the more I convince myself not to mention it at all for a while. My RA isn't as bad as some here.... lots of swelling, and pain at night, but I can still function relatively well at work. I keep busy at work and don't really feel it until I stop when I get home... and then the swelling hits me bad and I can't sleep. But, that is how it is. He doesn't need to know any negative stuff right now this early in our relationship. I will have to tell him someday...but not just yet. lolWhen I look at my wife's friends they seem to be about 50/50 split between 'supportive' and 'unsupportive' husbands. Whether they have RA, Diabetes, or are completely healthy, it doesn't seem to play a factor in whether the guy is understanding or not. You get an unsupportive mate and they can bring you down from anywhere. Just the opposite for a good guy.
One thing is for sure, if you're not up front about your health issues, there's not much we can be supportive about. Besides, keeping things from him only leads to frustration that you're not straight with him. Guys aren't good at undersanding women even when you tell them straight up. Keep us in the dark and we'll just be that much further off base.
Just because you ail, doesn't mean you shouldn't have self-esteem. If you're a nice person who's suffering, he'll still recognize you as a nice person and want to be with you. Being ill doesn't make you any less of a good person in a guys mind.
I say the biggest thing with men is just to be you. Men aren't interested in women who pretend, it's too much work to figure out what they're thinking. Be you, let him be him, and if you're a good match you'll like each other in spite of the ailments.
I like what you had to say, very straight forward. I believe in letting someone know. If they can't handle it, I want to know up front. Last relationship I had though, I was quite open about my limitations, my medical expenses, how much I was affected.
But unfortunately, when it came down to really understanding that I just couldn't do certain things, there were days when I just wasn't well, he didn't understand. The ironic part is that he is blind and expected me to be perfectly there for him. He is also bipolar. I was supposed to be completely supportive, but couldn't expect the same from him. To top it off, he said I was uncompassionate towards his getting pneumonia over a year ago. He would have died from this if I hadn't traveled from AZ to CA to put him in the hospital. I did all of this at great expense, risking my own health and my job. And, my being supportive was an ongoing thing.
When I expressed my need to be near good doctors and to have health insurance when we got married, suddenly that was too much. After a 1 1/2, he announced we were not engaged, that he wouldn't even consider marrying me and I was unfeeling towards his needs. Many, many hours of listening to his needs, trying to find ways to solve them.
Honesty is so important to me and he just kept delaying and giving me excuses. It was breaking my heart on a daily basis. I finally had to say good-bye because his behavior was having an adverse effect on my health. I was feeling very sad. Not any more. I've moved on, but I still miss him. Parts of him were wonderful.
I know there are really good men out there because I work with them. I have friends that I admire. I can tell they are good husbands and fathers because of how they talk about their families. They light up. You can tell what is important to them.
I just can't find it for myself.
But thanks for finally saying something. We need to understand how men feel and think about the subjects that are discussed. It can't just be one sided.
Thank you very much. I also was very happy from hearing a man's perspective. It is very insighful. I think I will take your advice and be upfront with him. Totally, and if he can't handle it, well then I will know what is what and I won't waste anymore time then. I don't want to loose him though. He is very sweet and we get along great. I have no reason he won't want to continue to get to know me better because he has been very open and honest with me. He even called me once while he was passing a kidney stone! lol I kept telling him to go to the hospital, but through gritted teeth, he was trying to assure me everything was fine. He doesn't need a doctor. Finally I got him to hang up on me, and go to the emergancy... that is when he found out his pain was from a kidney stone. Men. Go figure. Since I don't have severe RA, I think it would be safe to tell him. I do want to tell him everything. I don't like secrets - keeping them or having them kept from me. Anyway, thanks for the advice Descartes241 and Deanna. I really appreciate it!
Oh Roxy! You crack me up!
Descartes - If I ever lose my husband - WILL YOU MARRY ME? I will tell you EVERYTHING UP FRONT and appreciate you so very much.What are you on this morning? You are so funny!
LOL In a good mood, my hubby is calling me soon then I get to go to water exercise. I also actually slept. Besides, Descartes is one in a millionGlad you are feeling better!
I don't care if mine understands me anymore or not. I have seperated from him. He finally showed up after being gone fro 24 hours and he does this all the time so I kicked him out last night to go down to a piece pf property we own down the road. When I got back home this morning he was in here in his room. I told him that we are officially seperated and that he can no longer yell at me, threaten me, tell me what to do and so on. He is pitiful. I would never leave someone stranded like he did me off and on for 28 years. Especially when I am waiting for my blood test results, which by the way the dr has but my appt. isn't until next Thursday. I guess if he reads them and they are really bad he will call me. I need support right now but I guess he feels like whoever he spends the nights with needs his support more. I have stood beside him way too many times and forgave him too many times and it's not gonna happen again. I have saved his life so many times when he takes too many pills at his friends house and then wobbles home. I have had to perform cpr while waiting for the ambulance and rush him top the er a million times. It's hard to drag dead weight down stairs and into a truck, but I have and I only got yelled at for embarrassing him. Atleast he was alive to be embarrassed. Anyway, I am ranting, but I did it and I am sticking to my guns. Lord please le tme get my results soon so I can on with my life.DeltaElise,
I'm proud of you for doing what you feel you need to do. I know it's hard. Gather as much emotional support around you as you can right now. Call friends, family, ones that you know will be supportive and not try and change your mind.
My RD never calls me unless my blood work shows something extra wrong. But then I never know my blood levels. But I wouldn't worry so much about that right now.
Get yourself calm. Breathe. Find something to do for yourself that you never get to do and enjoy. Maybe it's a visit to a certain store, a trip to the ice cream parlor, a new dress or reading a new book.
Your new life starts today. From what you describe, it can only get better now -- even with RA.
Deanna, sounds like the man you were with had a lot of problems mentally so that he couldn't be compared in a man pile, but rather individually, the good times you talk of were probably his "man" showing, but with all the bipolar etc. you would never know the real him. But please don't compare him to others, there are good men out there.
I am lucky to have one but he wasn't always like this. We had troubles early in our marriage, but 12 years this year and we are like newlyweds and make some friend sick about it :) You can find the right understanding man, he is out there. MY husband told me that taking care of me was his job cuz he's my husband.
When I picked him years ago, I asked him... do you do drugs, have you ever done them, do you drink, do you smoke, if any answers were yes, I was leaving him, but he didn't know that part. That's a great thing to start out besides asking how many people he has been with.
Good men are out there and yes, they aren't gay :) But my husband always uses his "gay" voice and talks about how he should have been cuz he likes women's stuff too much (romance movies, cares about people too much etc.)
Good men are out there.
Crunchy,
Hi Everyone,
I've been reading your posts for a few months now and just wanted to add my two cents worth!
I will be celebrating my 30th Wedding Aniversary next month and can't believe it. The years just go by so fast!
I've had RA for almost 24 years ( I'm 51 ) and I'm currently taking Methotrexate and Arthotec. The Methotrexate has helped me tremendously and I've been on it for about 18 yrs. I feel very lucky.
I just want to say that I have a wonderful supportive husband who has stood by me through all of my pain and my emotional melt downs over the years. RA does tear away at ones self esteem if we let it but I know that in my case without my husband to lean on I wouldn't be the happy and optomistic person that I am today. As I mentioned earlier I have been reading these posts for a few months and feel like I am part of a unique and determined group of people. Thanks,
atc
Nice post Ron! 39 years!
Hi and welcome, ATC! And 30 years for you and your husband! Very nice!
Delta~Good for you girlfriend. Stick to your guns. You'll be much happier for it in the ends.
Glad you came out of lerking ahug. We're glad to have you....hope you participate more often now. We could use your insites into happy marriages.
Welcome Ahug. Delta - You know we are here for you.Thanks for your comments. I know a lot of his problems were being bipolar. But some of his behavior could not be excused by that. My daughter is bipolar and she shows so much more maturity and compassion than he seemed to have. He was using both being blind and bipolar as ways to get what he wanted. When it came down to brass tacks, he could not put the needs of another before himself and sometimes in life, you just have to. I don't any marriage can work unless both people are giving all the time in whatever way that they are able to. That's what I've seen my parents do. In sickness, health, richer, poorer. With all the other things that drive me crazy about them, I have to say that I think that they have got that right. My dad always treats my mom like she is a queen.
But I have not had a good relationship yet and sometimes I feel like it's just not going to happen.
LOL Roxy! Thanks for the laugh! Deanna, I have and do feel the same way you do at times. Like a good relationship will never come my way. But you never know. They say when you are not looking it happens. Sean is a good person and we are getting along great,but because of past experience, I kept thinking he will treat me like the others and I will be alone again. I try not to. I am a positive person, but when it comes to relationships I am not the best at it. Maybe there is something wrong with me! Who knows. What can you do?
To those who have been married and happy for many years, you are so lucky! It must be amazing to have someone to love and who loves you back.
Welcome to the board to those who are new!
Dar Sweetie, Mutual love is amazing. I have only experienced it a few times in my fifty years. Don't give up on it. It is the best if you are both working at it. It brings out the best in you and you never have felt so whole. I believe we were meant to be in loving relationships - fear and bad past experiences mess it up for so many people - BE BRAVE ! You too Deanna.I can be brave, and hope to give love another chance. It's the opportunity to meet someone that eludes me. All my energy goes into maintaining work.
In the past, I was able to get about so much better. Now, I have to save up energy for the simplest activities. But I do have hope.
But I do appreciate the encouragement. My girlfriends at work have given up on relationships. So, they are not very encouraging. My daughter and my son are though.
I really want to know what that is like, to be fully loved by a man. I have wonderful other relationships. But men are special creatures.
I have always made poor choices in men in my life. I didn't date or even look for over 2 years and then comes along someone a bit younger than me, very accepting of my possible limitations, yet my teenager decided he wasn't good enough for me and basically ran him off. I miss him so, his voice, his touch, his support, then as I type this, he calls, asking if I want to come over...what's the deal??? I'm so confused!!!Teenage children can't make choices about who is in your life. They don't have the maturity and sometimes they are just being selfish. Surely, you need to listen to anything that they say because harmful people can come into our lives.
You should see what you think based on just what you feel.
I know this. This is one reason, among many, that this particular child is going to go stay with my brother for the summer, if not longer. She needs a major reality check!! She has major abondoment issues as well as entitlement and manipulation issues. I have thought about counseling, but, when we went to counseling when my ex and I split ten years ago, they told me my 8 year old was bipolar and shoved zombie meds down her throat. I don't trust counseling. My oldest was hurt and confused by the split, didn't need drugs, just needed lots of love and someone to confirm her feelings besides her parents who both love her very much.Are you sure your sane? You are funny.
Then, maybe, this one is worth a call. Listen to your instincts and go slow. Good love is so hard to find.
Wow, I got in this thread so late I don't know if I have much to add. But, my thoughts on being unsupportive:
Gay dudes can really suck (pun intended) at being loving spouses. It's hard to consider someone else when all you can think about is you. Me for example.
That goes for alot of guys in general. I'm totally man, jealous, selfish and self destructive when I need to be. I manipulate, control best I can and I have to be needed, otherwise game over, or watch me cry.
Well, ok, so I've been snagged for the last 17 years, but I am still a man and emotions/hormones wash over me and leave me to my own devices.
I get the unsupportive issue, although David (my partner) has been the best! He's always been there for me. I hope I could do the same for him. Get the "could" part?
Rox, bait me baby, I'm there, a little late...forgive. Lovie, always nice to hear you tell it like it is! descartes, don't I know you from somewhere?
So some of us guys have a really soft under belly! Don't roll us on our back, we won't be able to do anything.
MikeM
WTF!!! wuz up???Mike
Lol Mike :)
Great post. We have several friends who have partners and as I think about it, one of each group seems to be a bit of a man's man as being said here and the other is a man of a woman's dreams. :)
I guess every relationship has male and female parts no matter if you are a man or woman. It's just learning to balance all of it inside our hearts that's makes us the perfect spouse or partner.
I know that without the lack in hormones (which is what usually makes us more loving and supportive) it is hard for select people to be the way they should as a spouse or partner.
I read an article a few weeks back talking about hormones and testosterone and how some women have not enough of the hormones in their brain and some men have too much etc. which is what gives them the loving support or the workaholic type nature.
I guess it just depends on what you are given at birth on how you are persuaded in life and the decisions you make.
All I know is, there are some men in the world i would like to inject some hormones into sometimes :)
My daughter and I have a theory that testosterone is dangerous! It clearly makes any illness ten times worse - that's why when my husband gets the same cold or flu that I have, he's much sicker than me!
1. It is important to find a man who helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important to find a man who loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men never find out about each other.
Unfortunately, it is easiest to disregard those we live with. For many people, this isn't even a conscientious decision. It is something that happens. We assume that those we love know we love and care for them.
But when one is really sick, something extra is needed. We all need compassion and geniune care. Even though I am sick a lot, I feel like I have a responsibility to know what state of mind my children are in. My daughter has lots of health problems so this tends to be on my mind a lot. But it is just as important for me to pay attention to my responsible, healthy and generally happy son. Because sometimes, life gets too much for him.
Listening is one of the greatest gifts that we can give another human being. We can give this well or sick. I have found that others seem to appreciate this more than anything else I am able to do for them. Because at that point, we are touching soul to soul. And, we can touch each other's souls, there is healing.
Like here, in this place, I feel healthier because I come here and I know there are people who care.
I feel for the men who have this disease. Women are more free to express emotions and we can be weaker just because of our sex. Men have the opposite problem. They spend their lives having to suppress these things.
A woman seems to be born weak, spending her entire life proving she is strong. A man seems to be born strong, spending his entire life trying to accept that he might be weak. None of it is really as simple as all that. But it is what leads to the conflicts and misunderstandings.
I saw the most beautiful thing the other day at physical therapy. It was an older couple, probably close to their 70s. They both seemed to be going through physical therapy at the same time. When the wife was working through her exercises, her husband, just reached over and gently rubbed her shoulder with a tenderness you couldn't miss. Now, that is a beautiful love. It was evident that they were in this together.
Deanna,Deanna, I know what you mean. Sometimes, you see two people who really love each other and marvel at the little things they do that mean so much.
The other day I came home from work. I had to work an evening shift, and by midnight (when I got home) I was exhausted. I have had a hard time moving back home since living away for a number of years. My parents have been getting on my nerves for a few things, and I am sure I have been getting on theirs for others!
Hillhoney, that was too good! I loved it!
Ask.
Maybe someday I will be able to ask for help but as for now ,no way lol. My family asked me if i needed food here and i say no, when i don't have anything to fix anyway. Some day when i can accept this damn ra maybe i can accept help. I'm not ready as of yet to do that.But when I had to ask, it was usually on behalf of my kids. I had to keep them from starving, get them medical care. That made me learn to ask.
Sometimes, when I have asked, really bad things happened because the people I asked were not what I thought they were. But other times, wonderous things have happened.
For instance, when I first got so ill, my family offered to take me in until I got disability. They made all kinds of promises and even moved all my stuff from one state to another. But it was only to get me there so that I could take care of them. They took all that I had and distributed it all to my siblings or kept it for themselves. I was treated as though I had died and they were separating out my belongings. Then, they forced me onto food stamps, but took them for themselves. On top of that, they watched every bite of food I put in my mouth like I was taking it out of their own. They made fun of me and humilated me in so many ways.
So, I understand the fear behind asking for help.
I left with two bags in my hands and my daughter. We went into a women's shelter. And there, I found a woman that I will call Mary because I cannot reveal her true identity. She watched over me and I watched over her. We ended up going to another shelter and there we were declared homeless. That was full of humilation that I cannot even begin to describe.
There, I found another angel though. Her name is Blanca and she is from Mexico. She was a truly generous soul who touched my life is such a way that I will never forget her. None of us had anything and we were not allowed to bring food into the place. But Blanca would smuggle in a chocolate bar and share that with me. Another woman smuggled in hot tea because I couldn't drink coffee. Those gifts meant more to me that almost anything I have ever been given.
These two women, Blanca and Mary, would do some of my chores for me because they knew how sick I was. In turn, I watched the children in the shelter because I love children. They made sure I was alright in a dangerous and lonely place. Their gift to me changed my life.
My gift to them, was that I had already left two abusive husbands and I think my experience helped them make that very important break that was crucial to saving their lives. They were both escaping extremely violent men.
So, it is hard to ask. It carries a risk. The risk is humilation and not getting what you need. But what I was given was pure treasure and it has made me a better person. It made all of us stronger.
They are both doing very well now. I hear from them from time to time. But they will always be among my dearest friends.
I hope you will find that opportunity in your life. It is worth the risk. I had many friends that let me down and they were filled with self-righteousness as they did so.
But I found my strength in all this.
All paths are different. All journeys are important. I understand why you take this stand. But it could be possible that part of the reason you have this illness is to take a different path. Maybe not.
Either way, it is okay to be strong.
Deanna, I think that is one of the reasons you are such a soulful writer...you have had a difficult and sorrowful path and that gives you a lot of passion. I like to write but I never have anything stories to tell. I guess I have a pretty boring life. You have talked about writing books, you probably have a ton of stories to tell from your life experiences even though there may be some that are sad. People who have had real life experiences are the ones who make the best artists I think.I think your right. I could never write like that. My life is boring to.Deanna, We relate because I have also had a hard road. I have been homeless, ate at shelters, an abusive first husband and survived my biggest heart break - my only child being diagnosed schizophrenic. I went to college for fifteen years because I had to work at the same time. You know what, it totally burnt me out on writing. YOU GO GIRL. You are a great writer and people need to know that intelligent, hard working people can become homeless and desperate. I always had too much pride to go to my family. They are there for me now but I am proud now. They know I picked myself up and made something of myself. Then RA came along and I feel lost again. YOU KEEP WRITING DEANNA.Guess maybe I should listen.
Roxy, you and I have so much in common that it just floors me. Someday, maybe we can sit down and have a cup of tea together or go for a swim.
Nichole, you have a far more interesting life than you think and you are a lot stronger than sometimes you feel. I really can see that in you.