OK...quick recap...my husband was not dealing well with the RA, he was abusing alcohol and pot and also found out he was selling pot too. He had all kinds of people calling him all hours of the day and he was basically self destructive.
WELL...the selling has stopped completely. The calls have too, even the girls calling. He has 3 intervies with hotels and one at the Sears Tower for a private club. He has stopped smoking pot for now...he can't get any! He is still drinking, got pretty drunk all weekend partying but we had a party Saturday night and he went to a wedding last night. We talked Saturday and he said he is not the same man he used to be, some days he can't use his fingers to do piece work at his job (Chef) and some days he can't even straighten his arms out all the way. This illness is hindering his job but he can still do it pretty well. I told him that he needs to talk about it to his friends and he said he won't. He wants them to think he is fine, can be macho and handle anything. They will continue to drag him out and get him drinking until they hear it from him about this illness. I told him "I am not going anywhere! I am here for you no matter what so I will NOT hear anything else about how you want to leave and suffer alone crap!" and he said ok. Things have gotten so much better the past week. We will continue therapy and I am going to talk to his RA doctor about mandatory therapy for ALL RA patients. The depression people go through is horrible and the effect it has on the family of the RA person...I can not describe. I do not have this illness but it effects me as much or even more MENTALLY than you can ever imagine. It has torm my family apart, almost ruined my marriage. The effect that the person with RA is not and probably will never be the same as they were healthy is devistating. Men don't handle illness well and my husband is REALLY not good at handling this at all. I can see the silver lining...we will continue to heal from all of this and get more counseling. I have lost 10 pounds due to the mental strains and stress I have endured, I have lost so much sleep and have been very depressed. I just want to be the voice for the loved ones of RA people...it effects us too.
It sounds like he is at least finally willing to share his burden with you. Maybe when his medicine starts working for him he won't feel that things are quite as hopeless. He is very lucky to have someone strong to lean on. You've got a good heart and are not willing to give up on him. I think that is the best you can do for him. I hope that someday he will truly understand how hard it has been for you to watch him fall apart emotionally. I am so glad to hear that things are working out for you and your family. I also think it is wonderful that you are willing to campaign for understanding of the emotional strain that RA patients and their families go through.Considering what you have been up against it seems that you have made incredible progress even though it might not seem so. You are a remarkable woman and he is lucky to have you at his side.
If they get his meds balanced, his hands has a good chance of becoming more functional. Mine were very bad at first. When he is ready for it, there are kitchen tools that help with the awkwardness of it.
It was hard, very hard, on my kids. But they've adjusted. The rest of my family has never accepted that fact that I'm ill. My mom just told me the other day that she was tired of hearing about it. I rarely talk to her about it any way.
Again, he is lucky to have you.
I'm glad things have settled down and please don't misunderstand me, but while the two of you are pursuing counseling the issue of alcoholism should be addressed. It wouldn't surprise me if you husband's drinking escalated since you say he can't get the pot any more. I wish you well.Your husband is one lucky man! I agree that the alcohol consumption needs to be addressed sooner than later. I don't remember what RA drugs he's on but the excessive use of alcohol may be keeping the RA drugs from working. This is a very real problem. As you stated his problems are all related to the RA and if the RA symptoms are getting worse thus his increase in alcohol consumption will escalate. It's a vicious cycle and I think that he won't get better till he stops mixing alcohol and RA meds. I wish you happiness and peace.
I'm sure your very relieved that he's starting to come around. Thank goodness for your & the childrens sake. Not to be negative but just a warning to keep your eyes open that he's completely quit the pot. I know 1st hand from a family member that tried many times to quit and also went back to smoking it many times. His intenstions may be to stop, but it's easier said than done. I hope that doesn't happen for the both of you.
Take care, I'm glad things are getting better.
I'm so glad things are working out better for you and your husband. Could you get him to go to some AA meetings, maybe you go along. It's so important to not drink when you are on the toxic drugs you need for RA. Bless you for being such a support for him.I agree with all here. You are truly an amazing woman. I hope one day that your husband will realize just what he has in you. You keep strong. Bless you honey.
Trisha
I blew up yesterday...he went to a wedding with his buddies and got REALLY drunk and I told him I have had it with his drinking and he complains about being in pain when he won't stop drinking so the medications can work. I thrw some things and started dumping alcohol down the drain! His friends don't care about him, they only want their drinking buddy so I have cut myself off from all fo them.
I guess I am sort of hurt because for so long we have been fighting and he goes to this wedding all happy and he is never that way about me anymore. My mom thinks we need to get away alone together...it would be great but once we got back to reality would it be over? Would the intimacy and happiness dissappear?? Will his friends once more rule his world? This illness has made him feel worthless and his buddies and drinking are what he fills his time with, not me, and it hurts. It takes away the pain for a while...I can't do that I guess. I get tired of my up's and down's with my emotions, I was pretty happy before, now all I am is angry and depressed. I REALLY wanted to hit him yesterday, punch his lights out for all the months he has hurt me. This anger has built up and it is rearing it's ugly head!
He has got to get his drinking and drugs under control or you don't stand a chance no matter how much you love him and want to him. It's time you insisted on AA and rehab.
You can love someone and invest everything in them, but if they don't choose to change, you can have zero effect even though you have extended all your energies. I know this because I've done this over and over again.
Your anger is a natural reaction to his behavior. But the whole situation is not healthy. Sometimes, separation is what gets them to wake up. My ex didn't stop the drugs and the drinking until after I divorced him. He treated me with the same disregard. He was sorry later, but still didn't do anything that made me want to come back to him. He destroyed our marriage with it. It is terribly sad when that happens because the person that you originally loved is lost behind the drugs and alcholol.
Someone suggested AA for your husband. You might want to try AL-ANON for yourself. It is the support group of family member affected by alcholism. Basically, he qualifies for that description. He might not be able to face it, but you can and better decide how you want to deal with the situation.
You cannot make him do anything. You can only change your reactions to his behaviors. You can keep going in this cycle and if you think about it, you will probably see that this is a cycle of behavior. Things will blow up. Things will get good. Then, things will blow up again. That will never change as long as he is abusing drugs and alchohol. You cannot love them out of the addiction. They have to decide to work themselves out of it.
It is very sad that he has taken this route to deal with this disease. Tend to taking care of yourself. Join Al-Anon or get a good counselor that you can talk to. Search out where you fit in all this.
I know you said that you would never abandon him. But it doesn't mean you have to die for him unnecessarily and this situation is killing you, slowly, but surely. Stepping away from him, pulling your constant support back might just force him to look in the mirror. At that point, he may or he may not realize what he stands to lose. You do not have to stay with him to still be there for him if he really needs it. But why continue to destroy yourself along with him. Someone has to stop being self-destructive. You are the only who is seeing the reality of the situation. So, you must stop your part of this.
Just like you insisted on no drug buddies, he cannot have drinking buddies. Some people can be social drinkers and some people are alcholics. That's an illness too. So is the drug addiction.
You are fighting too many wars here without any allies. You sound like a wonderful person who loves too deeply. But you cannot fight his addictions. That's his job. If he accepts it, great. Then your marriage stands a chance. If not, please don't continue to go down this road of destruction with him. Step away and get some perspective.
If this the life you really want?
I want to first tell you that what I'm about to say is not to make you feel worse, but to only make you rethink some things. I and I'm sure everyone else who has read your posts can see how much you love your husband, and how his actions have upset you and caused a lot of hurt. That being said, I've just found that some of the things you have said just don't make sense to me.
"They will continue to drag him out and get him drinking until they hear it from him about this illness "They don't drag him out to drink. He goes because he wants to go and he drinks becuase he wants to drink.
"I told him "I am not going anywhere! I am here for you no matter what so I will NOT hear anything else about how you want to leave and suffer alone crap!" and he said ok." You just basically told him that no matter what he does (drinking, drugs, spending more time with friends than his family) you will never leave....there are no consequenses to his actions.
The other thing that I've noticed with your posts is that you seem to think that the RA is what has caused all these problems. My question to you is this. Was the problem with the drugs, drinking, and spending all his time with his friends something that just happened when the RA came up? Or have all of these things been going on before the RA? I'm not saying that the RA hasn't made things worse, I'm sure they have, but your husband needs to know that there will be consequenses to his actions. If not, why would he want to change?
I really wish you well. You and your daughter deserve it. You need to start putting her and yourself first. If he wants to be with you, he'll have to change his behaviour.
Good Luck,
Kelly
I love you guys...you say what you mean and mean what you say! I have been living woth blinders on for so long...he has an alcohol problem, I know this, but his friends do not help the situation either. REAL friends would support you and help you not drink but all they are worried about is the party. I am an enabler...I also know this! It's my nature to mother people and it just screws me in the end. I know if I stepped back and quit doing it all he would freak out and then only would change come. He is seeing right now his 2 nephews in Florida taking the path he did as a young boy and I think he is seeing that drugs and alcohol cause nothing but problems. They are 16 and 13 and on the road to jail! It upsets him terribly and I tell him it's the cycle of you and your brother all over again! I guess he had a "revelation" of sorts this past weekend and he was going to share with me until I flipped out! I feel like I need to be #1 in his life as selfish as that sounds, I feel I am behind friends, work, alcohol, drugs...and I should be before all fo that. I just feel taken advantage of, a conveinience, a substitute mother and caregiver...just used. I want the romance, the "I Love You's" all the time...maybe because of his current behavior is why I feel this way but I REALLY need attention right now. I need ALL of his attention...and it just hurts. I try to be strong but I am not that strong. I need to learn to live for me but I don't know how...
That sounds kind of like me I feel like the mother, maid , and caregiver. I also want to be romanaced and to come first. My problem is that my husband is taking up expensive habits like smoking 7 dollar cigars and drinking. He has been working 13 to 14 hour days and I understand that. He started this ever since I got sick so my situation is alittle different but I want to be the one that he wants to see when he comes how I want the hugs and the emotional connection like there was when we were first married. IM so sorry for wants happening to your husband. I hope he will get it soon.
If you don't know how then you need to get help with that. That's very important.
One thing that I always tell my daughter...You can't control what anyone feels or does. The only one you can control is YOU. You can give consequenses to someones actions, but you can't stop them from doing anything. That's up to him.
Have you tried AL-Anon? http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
BTW...I don' think it's selfish of you to want to be #1 with your husband. That's the way it's supposed to be
Kelly
I like to think of this as a turning point for you. Kelly has given you some excellent suggestions and she is right on about the disease of alcoholism. It is a family disease. Everyone is affected and everyone plays a role in the alcoholic family. I suspect you can figure out which roles you have had. In my humble opinion, the alcoholism came first. The RA is an excuse. When we are active in our addiction, we have a million excuses. It is my experience that the bottom line is simply this, he wants to drink more than he doesn't. And he uses his litany of excuses to justify this behavior. The thing about it is that he BELIEVES these lies. That is part of active addiction too. Until or unless he gets to the point that he wants to be sober more than he wants to drink, you will be simply beating your head against the wall. That is why Al-Anon can be helpful to you right now. Because, sad as it is to say, you are POWERLESS over his behavior. The choice is his. And the reality of alcoholism is that some get better and some don't. Some go to jail, some recover, some die. And many stay miserable a really long time (and make everyone around them miserable) before one of these more definitive things happens. I am sorry for your situation, but YOU have the power to change YOUR part. And I support you in that endeavor. YOU are worth it.Ok, I don't mean to be the kill joy on this thread but I cannot hold back, especially after reading this twice!
Maybe because I am one of the few men on this board or maybe because I have real life experience with alcoholism, I am not sure.
ALCOHOLISM is not RA and RA is not ALCHOHOLISM. I am reading this thread and it has so many excuses towards someone abusing themselves, abusing their family, abusing work priveleges, abusing friendships, it goes on and on and on and on. I was agast reading that other women are found of your strength to "put up with this" and "hang in there". Don't get me wrong, I think you need a lot of support, I don't wish anything terrible on you or your family but I am adamently against supporting people that are making conscious choices towards "putting up" with alchoholism.
Your situation is obviously very serious and complex for this forum to offer adequate help. But as a man, I am dumbfounded that women allow themselves to be treated so terribly, to allow themselves to such torment, to allow themselves to go thru each day not realzing that they should be cared after, they should be made to feel that they are the most beautiful people to walk the planet. It angers me to see/hear that there are guys out there who act like this and call themselves men.
These people are not men! Men are supportive, caring, strong, comforting and, of course, human, just like women. We both have our ups and downs. However, a clear, concise and deliberate decision to go into a downward spiral that sucks in everyone around them is unconciable and needs immediate treatment (that way of thinking). And, allowing this to go unwarranted without any sort of severe consequences from you, is difficult to understand. YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU DESERVE TO FEEL HAPPY, LOVED and YOU DESERVE FOR HIM TO EITHER GET HELP AND TREAT YOU THIS WAY OR..............
Again, there is no easy way out of this. No one said life was easy. These are the cards you were dealt with in life, perhaps some bad cards are via your actions and perhaps some aren't. But, the cards are there and its UP TO YOU to make choices for your future.
I truly sincerely wish the best for you and I am embarrased as a RA sufferer AND as a man that he choses to do this.
Bubbapedro - thanks for speaking up. I have to say, I agree. If he can't/won't change, you have to take a stand. You can't have children in this situation. Don't forget, they absorb everything they see - and they pattern their lives after it. Is that what you want?I appreciate all of the comments/advice...I feel stuck I guess, I guess the fear of having to sell my house, find an apartment and give up everythig AGAIN due to divorce AGAIN is holding me back and I have only myself to blame for my unhappiness. I told him last night that I cannot continue to feel like this, that he ignores MY needs all the time. He did come home last night, did not go out and did not drink...after this binge drinking this past weekend he can't physically do it. He said he isn't drinking "for a while" so the meds can work better. He gives himself his 2nd shot tomorrow.
I am an enabler...I said it. I deserve more than this, I deserve to be respected and cherished and adored and I am not. I need to live for myself and not others. I need to go out with my friends more often and not feel I need to be home and take care of everything. I am 35 and I am not getting any younger...I told him I have a chance to find someone who will love me and treat me right, who comes home smiling to see me. I told him he was SO happy to go this weekend with his buddies, like VERY happy and he is never like that to come home and see me. He says it's because it B@%ch....I said if you would COME HOME and make me feel like I was important to you as beer or your firends, even your job I wouldn't complain! I am DONE! I will live for ME now!
RA is an excuse...he is unhappy with himself and he is using whatever he can to justify his unhappiness. I look in the mirror and I look OLD and TIRED....I need to pamper ME! I think a spa day is in my future!
I have been where you are at, and yes it is hard to start over. It's even harder when you've been through it before.
But you can do it and you will be a lot happier. I had to take the time to learn why I kept choosing the wrong type of men. So, some good counselling would help. You don't want to keep attracting the same type of men again.
But I still haven't found a man (other those wonderful ones already taken) that treats women wonderfully. If anyone knows where they are hiding, please let me know.
But you can do this and living in a house of peace and in control of your own life is worth all the effort. What finally gave me the push to do it was concern for my kids. I didn't want them growing up thinking this was the way it should be. And, they haven't. If I hadn't made that decision, I am pretty sure some of us would not be alive today.
You have to break free from this. My first husband kept telling me,"You'll never make it on your own." Well it has been over 16 years since I divorced him. Gee, I'm making it. I might not be the richest woman in the world, but I make it.
Think about waking up in your own place and only having to worry about you and your daugther, without all the drama, the fighting, the disappointment. You can make a choice about what direction your life goes in. But the road you are on, paired with a man that is so self-destructive is dangerous and will destroy you and your girl.
I know you feel like you are too old to start over. But in the true scheme of things, 35 is just about perfect. And, a person that knows how to love, if they find a person who also knows how to love, can have great happiness.
It might take forever for him to figure out what he needs to do. He is sapping you dry. Please consider yourself worth it to find peace and love in your life. Take your daughter by the hand and start a new life. She will thank you for it in the end.
Ari, I have not read all the posts but Kelly suggestion is right on. YOU NEED TO GO TO ALA - NON. My husband, who is absolutely wonderful and devoted to me is an alcoholic. He rarely goes two days without going to an AA meeting. You should also try AA meetings to hear all the stories. You definitely are an enabler and none of this has to do with RA. He is using it as an excuse to drink more. If you keep enabling it will only get worse. Good luck!Now at 35 I'm remarried to a man that has shown me a whole new meaning to marriage and a loving relationship. We're best friends and never does he think of going anywhere without me or vise versa. We'd both rather be home snuggled up in our bed watching TV than out drinking and partying like we did when we were in our early 20ties. We're devoted to each other. It's not a chore to be together all the time....it's a choice that we choose above all others because that's what makes us happy.
I hate to say it but it sounds like the two of you have different ideas about being married. You want a marriage....and he wants to be 22 again. If it was me; I'd let him do it. On his own.
Sorry things haven't exactly turned around as quickly as you thought...Sadly; I'm not surprised.
Keep your chin up. Only you can control your happiness. You have far more control over that than you realize.
Nichole/Ari/Deanna - I promise. There are good men out there. I had to wait 48 years but I have never been happier. I found mine on match.com. Hint hint
That kind of did it for me. I had made a lot preparations to be with him and he hadn't done any and now we were not even engaged. Hmm....I took that as a break up. He ruined it further by being really mean. He didn't even try to work things out. It was all about him and his needs.
I don't know if I want to try that route again. He was great in a lot of ways and we were very compatible. But after two years of knowing him, it was very disappointing outcome.
I've kind of been burned with the online dating thing. At least he wasn't some kind of monster. I think he was just afraid of marriage and wanted everything his way.
Still, it was sad. It's only been 2-3 months and I really miss him. But I bought myself a new place and I enjoy it very much. At least I have a place that I can call home now, something I really needed.
I haven't given up, just taking a break.
LOL I'm ready to throw it in, Deanna!! I swear all the good one's are taken!!Terinski,
I'm laughing at your response, but damn, I swear it's to keep from crying. I've had the worst luck with men and it is so hard to lose one when you really want to. Seems like the bad ones just love to stick around and the good ones are out there hiding.
Now, guys, I know a lot of you on here are wonderful men and a lot of the ladies have wonderful husbands. But I just can't make that connection myself.
If I'd known there was a time limit on finding a good one, I would have paid more attention up front. But I got two great kids out of it.
Let's go ahead and throw the towel in. Maybe we'll hit one by accident. Of course, then, they have to accept our lovely, revised bodies.
See, I was smart. The guy I picked was blind. He thought I was beautiful. It did wonders for my self-confidence. Actually, I picked him because he had a wonderful sense of humor and was also a writer.
I hate broken hearts.
Well, mine's taken, but he's good. We've been married 26 years. My husband is, and always was, a sweetheart. It's always all about compromise - but equal compromise. We've both expanded our horizons. We've traveled together, moved together, done it all. So yes, they're out there. Sometimes you have to look a long time, and sometimes, you just have to get lucky. Okay, I've tried the looking a long, long time. Maybe I could just get lucky!I thought I had a good one recently... we met in Feb. Became friends, then in April became really good friends, still wasn't thinking of a "relationship". He invited me to go to Laughlin with him for the Harley run, we had a wonderful time, met his friends... and that's when things turned. The next few weeks were great!! He had a court date for child support issues, which who now adays doesn't. Didn't bother me. He went to court, found out his support wasn't being raised and all the supposed back support was an error on the DA's behalf. He walked out of there free and clear with his normal payment. Yeah for him!! Within days, and I mean days, things started going down hill. Emails, visits, phone calls stopped coming.... We would still get together now and then, but I told him that since he decided to back peddle some things were going to change, no more cuddling, kissing, etc. I wasn't going to put my heart out there to be broken... Wellllll to say the least, the last time we were supposed to go somewhere, he "forgot" to call. I found out he went to the community function and bought dinner for a mutual friend... a woman. I asked him about it, and he said he thought I was busy, so he didn't call... that's the last time I spoke with him. Hmmmmm think he's a keeper!!! NOT!!! I swear, my dad is right, I have a loser magnet inside me somewhere!!! It's just so much easier being alone. It doesn't help, my youngest who is 14 hated him for intruding in on our lives... but hey, she doesn't get to pick my friends.Deanna: It is just pure, dumb luck. I got lucky and so did Stan. We've been married for 11 years. We come from different backgrounds. He was raised on a ranch in WA. and I was raised in Washington, D.C.. He is 30 year military and I've had dozens of jobs. He loves country music and lets just say I tolerate it. IT'S NOT HOW COMPATIBLE YOU ARE BUT HOW YOU DEAL WITH THE INCOMPATIBILITY. We're very different but our moral and integrity base is the same. We're two very strong personalities and have our share of quiet arguments but we always work it all out.
Stan came into my life after I stopped looking for a man. I bought a house, got a dog, and quit dating for awhile. BAM, there he was. I wasn't ready but I also knew that I didn't want to lose him and I didn't.
Lindy, sounds wonderful and I believe this can happen. It just has happened yet.
Terinski, that really sucks. It sounds like he wanted you for emotional support. That's how I started to feel. Everyday he wanted to call and talk to me about his problems. When things started flaring for me, then he demanded that I had to make a visit to him.
I don't take to well to demands any more, especially when they are motivated by selfishness.
Don't ever let anyone say that you have a loser magnet. That is so lame. My little sister says I have a bum magnet. But her choices haven't necessarily been better.
I took a lot of time learning about why I made wrong choices. But sometimes there are just bad men out there looking for the opportunity and they can be very clever.
Keep believing in yourself.
I really think the secret to finding the "one" is to stop looking. I had been through a couple of serious relationships and really bad breakups when I finally decided that I had enough of guys, dating and love. I figured I was going to concentrate on me, my life and my good time. I starting doing things for me. I felt great and was having fun. I met my husband one night at a sort of small, casual party. We just starting talking and kind of hit it off with great conversation. I didnt even really feel any sort of attraction to him, he was totally different that the kind of guys I had dated. We ended up being buddies, going to parties and hanging out and watching movies together. No dates. Nothing.
Then one night, we were having a big pool party at his place and out of the blue he says he needs to talk to me. So we break away from the party and he tells me " I dont know how to explain it, Ive never felt this way before...but I am in love with you and I am going to make you fall in love with me and one day, I am going to marry you." I didnt know what to say, I didnt want another boyfriend, I was not ready to date. So we kept on hanging out, alot...and he was a perfect gentleman. I didnt know how I really felt about him untill I went out of town to a family reunion. He was all I talked about the whole weekend! But I kept saying "but were just friends" ---duh!
I even came back a day early. That night we were watching a movie and he fell asleep. I looked over at him and it was like I saw him in new way. I already I knew I cared about him and respected him as a friend but then in that moment I knew I was in love with him too. I guess you could say the rest is history.
We had our 10 year wedding anniversary on June 1 st. We have had some rocky patches through the years but we always have been able to go back to the root of our marriage, our friendship, and work things out. We have always been able to talk to each other honostly. I think these last few months have been the most difficult. The RA thing for me and other things have made it hard, but we have been dealing with it together and things are looking up because we have been talking.
I really feel that love found me, I didnt find it. I had looked, and loved and lost. When I started just relaxing and having fun, being me, being happy with myself...love came my way. I think it will happen for you single gals too.
One major rule of thumb....men ALWAYS want what they cant have!
I made a lot of friends and went out socially at least a couple times a week. I had a good time and made lots of friends through people I dated. Then I met my "Lovie". He was more sure than I was from the start....but eventually I came around and I'm so glad I did. I never realized how much I'd enjoy a good relationship. After a divorce you become a little jaded toward love and commitment. Funny what a difference just one man can make. POINT IS: You can meet a jerk on every corner; the internet too. The internet just seems to open up more doors if you are in fact looking to meet people. I'd recomment it to anyone; but I'd also recommend you follow common sense rules of safty. You hear a lot of crazy things but when you think about it; the crazy things stemming from the internet are far less than the crazy things you hear about happening just in general society. Well shot #2 today and he wants to do it completely ALONE...is this normal to feel that way? He won't even be on the phone with me. My daughter just called me at work "Mom, Paul has not done his shot yet, is he going to do it?" Now she is worrying...great! She just wants him to get better but he is snippy today when you mention the shot. These up's and down's stink and I can't take much more of it. I told him today "you know I love you" and he says "I know" not I love you too...
Will this EVER get better or is this the NEW Paul? I think it's probable normal for a lot of people. Not normal for me....my husband does mine for me; but the majority of the folks here do it alone. I think PROBABLE if I was doing it alone I wouldn't want and audience. I wouldn't worry about that. Is he taking Methotrexate along with his Humira?
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