I have left my husband...he will not see that drinking is hurting him, his friend called me and basically told me to f-off, that Paul will do what he wants to. I have to sell my house now too and adopt out my 2 cats...my daughter is going to be devistated!
This will be the end of my second marriage and I am only 35...this sucks but I can't do this anymore. This illness has ruined my life! and I don't even have it!! Because of my husband's raction to having RA I am losing my home, pets and husband...and most of all my daughter...she will not recover from this easily. I HATE RA!! It took my life!
I'm sorry you're going through this...truly I am.
Don't think of this as hurting your child...think of it as showing your daughter that you will be strong and not let this kind of behaviour ruin HER and YOUR life. She will thank you for it later. She will also see what NOT to get involved with when it becomes her time to choose a mate. Remember...children learn what they see.
I would also suggest that you get some counselling for you and your daughter in order to deal with this.
Don't worry about the fact that this is your second marriage to end...hey..ppl make mistakes...what we need to do is learn from them. Learn from this and know what to look for in the next man. Find a man who wants the same things in life that you want. My brother is married for his 3rd time....and he's been with his now wife for about 20 years. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I'm glad you are taking a stand and doing what's right for you and your daughter. I'm proud of you. Be proud of yourself.
One last thing though. You really have to understand that this didn't happen because of RA. This happened because your husband chooses to make bad decisions in his life. He's selfish. Plain and simple.
Good Luck to you...and don't be a stranger. Let us know how you're doing.
Kelly
Sorry it came to this...but I agree with Kel, RA was just the scapegoat, if not RA, then something else...stress from work, etc...
Good luck girl.
I'm glad that you made the decision. I know how extremely hard it is to make. Is there any way you can refinance the house in your name only? I know that might not be possible. Your daughter isn't is, is she? Because that makes it so more complicated and painful.
I had to walk away from two homes in order to obtain my freedom. But it was WORTH it. Living in a safe place of peace is far better.
And, you daughter is far more capable of handling this than seeing his actions on a daily basis. Her life can start to normalize. When you are in this storm, that's what is destructive to kids. Once you get out on your own, you will be amazed at how good it can feel.
Yes, it is lonely and scary because it is the unknown. But you've been lonely and scared for months know. You already know what that is like and that you cannot live like that any more.
Go out there and find a life.
Is he leaving the house or are you? Judges will normally give a mother with a child possession of the house until the divorce is final. And, if he is on the mortgage, he is just as responsible to pay it. In fact, his name is probably listed first and they will go after him for the mortgage payment first.
I am sad at the initial outcome, but I know you will be happier even a year from now. Because what you have been living in is a nightmare completely out of control. On your own, you can bring your life back into control. Your daughter will flourish because she will start to feel safe and secure.
I think you've made a wise decision. I know it is hard, but you will get through it. Your daughter will be just fine. She knows now that she has a really strong mama!I am so sorry for the hurt you are going through, but I really believe you are doing the right thing. I agree with Kelly and Crunchy: It is not the RA, it is his overall addictive behavior and complete selfishness and unwillingness to help himself.
Please don't jump into selling your house without talking to an attorney first, if you can possibly help it. I don't know what state you live in, but surely your husband will have to help support your daughter. She comes first before everything else right now.
You and your daughter can start a new life without this turmoil and insecurity from your husband and hopefully find some peace.
I, too, am very proud of you for being strong and standing up to him. You and your precious daughter deserve a better life.
Please let us know how you are doing. We all care about you.
Nini
Please do keep us posted. Even though you don't have RA, you're part of the RA family. I don't think the RA caused your husband's behavior, but it makes a handy excuse. You are making the only sensible decision you can make. He doesn't seem to want to change. He doesn't seem to care that he's destroyed your life together, and he doesn't care whether you have a life at all.Getting a divorce is definitely much faster since your daughter is not his child. To make it faster and cheaper, you may be able to get a good paralegal to write up the paperwork for you. (Depends on your state, etc.) If he agrees and signs it, its done. Shortens the time, money and grief immensely.
I HATE, HATE, HATE that you are going through this. It really pulls up old memories for me. But I made it through with two kids and an ex that stalked me for two years after the divorce. You are nowhere near that type of situation.
The anger needs to be sorted out with a counselor. If you can't afford one right now, call your Community Information & Referral phone number, usually located in the front of your yellow or white pages. Here, they have counselors available on a 24 hour basis. You can talk to them on the phone or even they come to your house. Of course, that's here. But I'm sure something similar is available in your area. Don't hesitate to take advantage of it because you already know what an emotional roller coaster this is. And, it's harder the second time around.
I really feel for you. Do let us know how you are doing. I'm glad you came here.
One foot in front of the other, one step at a time you'll get through this. It is an old cliche' but you need to just deal with one day at a time. Anyone can deal with one day! Accept help wherever it is offered and don't feel guilty about about, just grateful. Mark this as a beginning of a new life for you and your daughter, and make it what you want it to be!
I wish you and your daughter much laughter and happiness in the future, and I hope for everyone's sake that the divorce goes quickly and without unnecessary ugliness and bitterness.
I'm real sorry this is happening but I think you're doing the right thing. RA did not cause this Sweetie. Everyone here has it; trust me....none of us acted the way he has. Yes; we all went through a point where we freaked out and had our problems just dealing with the thought of our futures; but what he's doing is not as a result of RA. To say that RA has ruined your life is like blaming all your problems on the wrong thing. Hell~you told us that your husband was the big shot drug dealer when you married him. He had swarms of friends and drinking buddies that adored him. He just enjoys that far more than the tied down life with your and YOUR daughter. He's very inmature in my opinion. This is not the type of man you want helping you raise your daughter.
Everyone here is right. Your daughter is old enough to see what's happening and if you don't want her to grow up to have a man treat her badly while she sits by and takes it you have to do something now. Show her that you deserve the love and respect of a mature man in your life and you are finished settling for anything less.
Good Luck to you. Everything will be ok.....one day you'll look back at this and be thankful it all ended when it did. Better things are out there for you and your daughter. You deserve that.....and she certainly does as well.
It would hurt your daughter more to stay. You made the best decision for her and you. Even though it is very hard don't change your mind and go back. This would only prolong a bad situation. Keep coming to board as the people here are great and very supportive and will help you through rough times. http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kuble r_ross/kubler_ross.htmI'm so sorry that the man that you loved has done this to you. I no that your heart is breaking at this time, but things will ease up for you in time. From the sound of things, you couldn't keep living like that. In my opinion you have made the right decision for you and your daughter.
I also agree with all the others that he is using RA to do what he wants to do. I wish you well and do try to get on with your life. You are a young girl & I'm sure that you will meet someone that is deserving of you & your daughter. Good Luck!
Trisha Ari, You are being brave and doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. This too will pass. Trust us older ones. Life goes on and it will get better. I promise you this. It gets better because you are learning. That is why you are leaving him. You will make better choices. Let your family be there for you and move on. Stay in touch. You don't have to have ra. Take care. Update...we called the realtor and I am trying to find a place for me and my daughter to live. I am realizing that if he had RA as bad as he says he does (and I have seen his not be able to hardly move like yesterday) how does he function at work without drinking? I guess when he started selling again the old lifestyle came flooding back and he must enjoy that life more than married life. I belive he did not cheat on me, I believe it is the alcohol, pot and friends he cares about, not us. My daughter might have to start at a whole new school now, she may lose her pets and she is losing her home. Children are resilient but she does NOT deserve to lose all of that! I left him that essage on his cell and now... He just called and wants to meet me at lunch. He didn't sound happy and will probably yell and I will just walk away...he is one miserable SOB...that's for sure! It isn't fair for her to suffer! So he divorces me, takes her house away and uproot s all that makes her happy and he STILL wants to be in her life? Whatever buddy! I am in therapy, I go this Saturday. Stay Strong!!
Good luck on Saturday Well, he certainly is a winner. Sounds a little too familar. I know that your daughter is losing an awful lot as both my kids did when I left first their dad and then my second husband. It hurts to lose things, and it especially hurts to lose pets. But the pattern of life he has chosen poses a great danger to her in many ways. You are giving her strength and freedom. She is going to remember that. She's going to remember that you always, always love her and are willing to do anything to protect and care for her. This is an irreplaceable gift that no money, no house, not even little pets can give her. Your love for her as a mother is what is going to get her through this. Do not put yourself in any danger in meeting him. Sometimes men get very aggressive, even though they have never been before, when they finally realize they are losing everything. I'm glad you are going to therapy because it will help to strengthen you when you need it most. Keep coming back.
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