Hey everybody I joined this forum a few months ago, I came here not doing to well because how bad my RA was beating me up. Anyways, I come back looking for advice or anything of that matter. I am currently in a bad situation I am currently finishing school, and in order to do so I have to finish my internship, to make a long story short two days ago I was let go/fired and the reason being my RA I could no longer work on pace, and they needed to cut labor costs. So to add to it all my wife has been out of town visiting relatives and I have not told her yet. We have a newborn baby and without my income it'll be rough times living without it. She also told me if I did not finish school there would be consequences. I've barely slept past few days. RA sucks
Maybe someone can give you concrete ideas if we have a better idea what it is you need to do.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. It isn't fair. RA isn't fair.
I live in Oklahoma City, and I am finishing a Culinary program in which I will receive some good credentials and should be able to land a decent job when I'm finished. Reason why I couldnt' keep up pace is my hands kept bothering me and made cooking etc. impossible the pain was unbearable but I went through it so I could finish. I just hope I didn't go through all this crap for the past year and a half for nothing. I'm so bitter at everything right now. I miss working out, I miss running, there's so much that has been taken away from me since RA showed up and I can't lose my wife and newborn baby daughter It'd crush me. I'm so lost
Kyle,
So sorry to hear you're in such a difficult situation. My last year in college, I burned out and my doctor was able to write me a note for the school asking that I take an incomplete. Then, I took the summer off and finished my classes afterwards. I know that this is a pretty standard procedure with most schools. However, I don't know about a culinary school.
It does seem though that they would be required by law to make some accomdation for your RA, which is a disability. That would also include the job. You may have been fired unfairly due to your disability. And, yes, RA is a legitimate disability although none of us likes to think of ourselves that way.
In response to your wife, you are dealing with maturity issues hers and yours. Although, you could be 40 and still have the same responses. Hopefully, you can come up with a reasonable game plan for finishing school and looking for a new job. If you can think this out, and present it to her with what you think you may be able to do, hopefully she will want to listen to that.
Also, if you were fired, you should be eligible for unemployment. So, apply as soon as your are able.
Prioritize your problems: health, wife, kid, school, job, etc. What is most important to you. The thing that you cannot change is the fact that you have this illness. You can strive so hard in your life to make things right, but this illness can kick your butt and hard.
You need to get the doctor to write you a note and then go to the school and try to work out something. Also, talk to your doctor about how difficult it is with your hands. Is your illness under control at the moment? Can anything be done to make things better for your physically. Sounds like you have a lot of stressors, and stress causes me to flare. School, young wife, new baby, lost job are all major stressors.
One thing that you really need to consider, is whether this career path is going to work with RA. That's a mindblower of a thought when you are so close to finishing. But unless you can find a slower pace job than what school has showed you, you may want to think about other alternatives. When you've had some time to think this out, you might want to talk to Vocational Rehab in your state. If the culinary school is not going to work out for you because it is so hard on your hands, then they can help you get training for a different career. If this is truly your love, then you need to see if different tools, physical therapy and better medications can make it more possible.
What your wive needs to know is that you are trying and that you are going to be supportive to her and your child financiancially. What she may not realize is that this may be increasingly difficult as time goes on. But you need to talk to her calmly and openingly about the present and the future. She needs to understand that you are really ill and she might not at this point. There are many people that have families that just don't get it. But women tend to be resilent and if she is convinced that this is the truth of your situation and she truly loves, hopefully she will work this out with you. Don't give up hope in this. She has to face this illness too and as your mate, it is a hard thing.
You have to face this directly and it is a very hard thing to do. That you are suffering all this at 23 seems so unfair. I have a son that's 22 and a daughter that's 25. I know that all the world expects you to be invinceable at that age. You don't look sick. How could you be sick?
But the truth is, you are. You have to accept that it is true and then deal with it. The world around you has to accept it and they have to deal with it too.
Break all the problems down one at a time. You need to think calmly about this. That means you need to get some rest as in sleep. You need to see the doctor. And, you cannot hide this from your wife.
Get a note from the doctor. Go to the head of the school or your advisor and explain the situation. See if they will give you more time to finish your internship. Then you can figure out the employment thing.
And come back and keep talking to everyone. Lots of people to talk to gives you a whole lot of ideas of what to do.
I wish you weren't going through this.
Thanks Deanna and Fiona for the responses. Things are just different right now my wife loves me very much but it seems like since I've come into her life I've only brought her down with the exception of our daughter. First year we were together I couldn't work so she had the burden of taking care of us, she has a good job which pays well but she doesn't enjoy it and she'd like to pursue something else. I wish I could just get all better and take care of my family so my wife can go back to school and get her masters or phd. But unfortunately I think its something I think, and most RA sufferers feel as well the hope of being back to normal. I find things so difficult right now, this pain has changed me so much it is such a grind. I sometimes think my wife would do better off without me seems like I only bring unhappiness. On a better note I believe I've hit rock bottom and hopefully it can't get any worse then this.I truly doubt that your wife, who loves you very much, would think that she is better off without you. Love is incredible! That you and her have this is your strength. You are more to her than you realize.
It is such an adjustment to living with RA. Everyone, everyone gets depressed and their family situations get strained. But love can bring you through this. You are more than you're ability to do certain things. There are things in you that only you can give your wife and child. No one on the face of the earth can give them the love that you have. No one else possesses what you have inside of you. Each one of us brings something precious to this world. You need to share that. It is something that cannot be measured in a job or with money. The people that love us, need us.
You can work out all these difficulties. It takes time. And, at some point, you may find a way for your wife to go back to school. With RA, things are not impossible. But they do take more time.
You sound so depressed. A lot people are and some of them choose to ask their doctor for an antidepressant to help them cope. I feel down too as I am having to change what I've been doing very successfully for 25 years. But it is obvious that I must make a change and I am going to find a way.
Kyle, I feel just as lost as you. But I know if I keep trying, I'll find my way. Just keep trying, you'll find your path.
Yeah I do sound quite depressed but since I got fired I've had so much time to think which has had a negative effect which I'm sure you can see through my posts. It's just that...the person before RA (me) varsity athlete, should have had a free ride through baseball in college, or gone pro playing rugby in europe. The world was mine I was so happy and I loved where I was going, now post RA seems like I can't get anything right and having all the abilities I had before are all gone I was so active good health etc. Now I have problems getting motivated due to the randomness of flare ups. I'm just kind of venting right now I'm positive about my situation right now but just have some anger about what RA has done to my life. I love my wife very much and I smile anytime I think about my daughter I am just hoping I can feel better so I can take care of them both for the rest of our lives. Thanks for replying Deanna I feel that letting out the anger and frustration out is helping you've helped me today more then you know. Thank you
We all get angry and depressed. There are some people on here that were real athletes like yourself. I think it's harder on people who had those wonderful abilities and the drive to compete physically. I've never that way so I don't it's as hard on me.
I'm glad it helped you to vent. That's why we all keep coming back. Some of the wives and husbands of those with RA come and read the posts too. It helps them understand how much our symptoms are the same.
It isn't so much a matter of motivation. When that fatigue hits, you just can't do much. Plus, with pain killers that wack you out, it gets really hard.
My kids were both living at home when I first got this and I didn't have anybody to help me. But the three of us managed together. Together, it is a very good word. Just don't lock yourself into being the "main breadwinner" mindframe. You may still be. But if you can think outside other people expectations of you, it will be easier.
I'm going nuts today, too. You have helped me also.
I'm so sorry that your going though this. I have a 24 year old son with a 2 month old baby. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you now.
Isn't there some kind of law about people with disabilities? I can't see how they can just get rid of you.
I know you probably don't think so right now, but things do happen for a reason. As they say when 1 door closes, another 1 opens up. Things will work out.
Well I'm kind of glad you guys brought the getting fired thing up. In all honesty there is nothing I did wrong, I can put it this way if my coworkers worked at 100% during my worst I put out about 60-70% other then that I've had no problems with my boss or my coworkers. I know when I tell my wife she'll say they can't fire you, you did nothing wrong. Only thing I can think of is if they didn't fire me they would have scheduled me one shift a week which is just as bad. The problem at my work was I was kind of over skilled? I was getting paid well and I hope not to offend anyone about my restaurant did a whole revamp pretty much replacing everyone with min wage mexicans. It's nothing bad it's just the plain truth. I was making 4-5 dollars more then my coworkers so basically I was making too much I guess. Maybe someone can give some more input on me getting fired for nothing? I know for a fact we probably had about 1-2 more people then we needed but that's about it.Kyle~good to see you here.
I'm real sorry to hear about your situation....RA on the bread winner is absolute hell. I can only imagine. Early on I was a "Stay at home Mom". It's hard on a new Mom; but you can move at your own pace and rest when needed. I do not know how my family would have fared had they all been depending on me to see us through.
I'll keep you and your situation in my prayers. Don't give up....things will work out. I know it seems difficult now; but where there's a will there's a way.
Hang in there.....and visit more often!!
Happy Father's Day.
Kyle,
What reason did they give you for firing you? Was it because of your illness, performance, etc.? You might want to look at www.ada.org for more information.
If you go for unemployment, then your unemployment office may be able to tell you whether it was legitimate firing. However, if they think you can't work, then they won't give unemployment.
It may be that they did consider cutting back your hours, but thought maybe you would be better off with unemployement. Doubtful, but it's a possibility.
If they had too many people, then it is considered a layoff and there's a big difference in that.