A little stressed tonight.... | Arthritis Information

 

My best friend is coming home after moving away two years ago. Her husband got a job on the other side of the country, and went out a year before she did. Tomorrow, they will be flying home for a vacation to visit for a month. They have a very active daughter. I am happy they are coming for a visit. It is going to be so great to have her here to talk to and laugh with again... but, at the same time I am a little stressed about it all. My friend is wonderful, but she doesn't take into consideration what other people are going through. I work in a very stressful job, Monday to Friday, and when I am off nights or the weekends.... I need time to myself to get my energy back for the next week at work! My friend never has worked a day in her life, and she doesn't know how drained I am lately with this RA and hypothyroidism. I just don't have the energy to entertain every single day like she is planning. She was always the type to just pop in when every she felt like it, and with her badly behaived daughter (my friend has never corrected or punished her child, so the kid does what every she wants all the time), I just don't have the energy to put up with everything right now. I am this close to cracking because of the stress of my job, the last thing I need is to be coming home (exhausted mentally and physically) only to see her car in my driveway because they want to use the pool. Am I a mean friend? I feel so guilty feeling this stressed about her visit! I want my weekends that I have off to myself. I need the time to be able to just function the next week. No, you're not a mean friend, DAR - you have a disability that makes you barely able to cope with life. Add anything else to the mix, and it all comes crashing down. People don't realize that. They ask us to stop and pick something up, or to bake a cake. Or drive downtown. It's nothing to them, but it's exhausting to us. And then, there are these visits. I had family come last Christmas - on top of my first RA explosion. I spent half my time crying from pain, and they never realized it.

Only you can decide whether or not to tell her the truth - and whether or not she will understand - and whether your friendship can survive the truth. Whatever you decide, you're not a mean friend.

No, you are just being realistic. You have to set limits with people. A lot of us were overdoers before we got sick. We'd take on anything. I definitely have always been a Type A personality and right in the mix of everything.

I had to learn to say "NO!" When I first got sick, people kept trying to get me extra work as though that would help me somehow. Then, right after getting out of the hospital for heart problems, they started in on me about exercising, climbing, dieting. They didn't even give me a chance to recover.

I went to stay with my parents in order to get my health in order and get on disability. They didn't understand at all. When I got there, they told me I would never leave and take care of them the rest of my life. They just didn't get it. That has taken a long, long time.

The good friends will understand your situation. The other ones, you may have to let go. I did and I am far better off without them. Because I could no longer do what they expected, they became hateful and disappointed in me. I finally decided that they were toxic in my life and not really my friends. It hurt, but I have much more supportive friends now.

I don't know how you can approach this subject with your friend, but you have to take care of yourself first because in all honesty, she's not going to do it for you.

Decide what you need to happen during this visit. My sister is thinking of coming for a visit in September with her husband and her special needs child. I have no problem with them staying here. But I worry about the how well their daughter who is very frail will do. I cannot put all my medicines up out of her reach because then I can't reach them. They have to watch her constantly. I've been thinking that it might be worth paying for a couple of nights for them to stay in a hotel near me. Then they can do what they want when they need and take proper care of Melinda. We can visit, eat together, etc. I can look forward to that.

I certainly cannot entertain them as someone would normally. We are not going to the malls together, one of her favorite things. But I'll certainly help her get there. What I could do in the past is just not going to happen. My sister will just have to accept it. I cannot change it and she can't either.

Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. It is being practical. Set up the terms of this visit to what you need, to what will make it enjoyable for you. Plan quieter things.

One thing you can do is have a full list of all the things that she can do without you that would be of interest to her. Then she can go do those activities, you get to rest while she's gone. Or, if you have mutual friends, set up something with them so that she can spread her time around. After that, you can have those long talks that friends have.

Plus, there is nothing wrong with taking a couple of days off work. It sounds like you could use the break.

Decide how you want it go and take control over the situation.

You'll have to set some limits. I know just how you feel about having limited energy. I think you need to reconnect withthis friend and be really honest about your limitations.  If she's really a friend, she'll want to help you, not exhaust you. You set the visiting time and if and when you want her to use your pool. Maybe you can put her to work helping you. Seems like without a job she could be some help. Dar, you're not a bad friend but from the sound of things it sounds more like your friend is more interested in the pool than you. Set the limits with her. Tell her that right now you can't handle watching them in the pool having fun. If she is a real friend, she will understand and let you have some time to re-group your engery. If she gets upset, than it's her problem not yours.
   I had this one so called friend who would tell me all of her problems and when I tried to tell her mine, she would tell me that she was busy. It took me a while to realize this but I finally told her that friendship is a two way street. We say hi to each other but that's about it.
   Ra is hard to deal with and the fact that we don't look sick makes it harder for people to accept. This RA has showen me who my real friends are and not just the fair weather ones. I really hope that this friend is a keeper and will understand.

MarisaI hope they arent staying with you for the whole month? Let fungus grow in the pool, tell her the truth about your limitations, say you have to work on the weekends, tell them you have a contagious illness. The bottom line is tell the truth or make something up....we all love ya just the same....just dont wear yourself out, take care of you first!!Thanks for the great advice! My friend Trish and I have been friends since we were very very young. My family has been her family through the rough times. She is like a sister to me. But, the more I look back on things, the more it has always been all about her. She called me this week telling me they are coming back home for a visit. They own a house here, so that is where they will be staying. It is a very old farmhouse that they took apart, meaning to fix it up...but moved out West before they could do anything. It gets me so mad to think of it all. Her mother is now divorced from her father and has no place to stay. During the divorce, her mother took out her whole pension (she was a nurse) and spent it all. Now retired, she has no money at all. Trish told her mother that she could stay in their farmhouse while they are away.... but being it all torn apart, her mother put everything she had to fix up the whole place. It works well for Trish though! She got her mother to fix her house like new, and when they come back (which they are planning to do in a few years), her mother will be kicked out. That is what she told me anyway. My friend is really great when she wants to be. We have a fun time talking and remembering out childhood,but she is very lazy. It is nothing for her to come over, at lunch time or supper time, and not leave until she gets a meal....every day. Right now, I am living at home to save money for my move to the US, so my father is not pleased when she brings her whole family to be fed. He is retired and not making the money he used to. It's just very stressful knowing they will be coming for a month. It is summer. Sometimes our pool feels like the community pool. We get people here we normally don't see at all! Nothing is more stressful than coming home, exhausted, from a very long day at work to find people camped out by the pool when you just want to go in the house to take a nap! Or even go in the pool and be alone for a bit to east away the stress of the day. I can't even think about using the pool with people in it that I don't even know! It is so bad, my father even thought of filling it in last year. He is stressed knowing my friend is coming home for a month, and he isn't the one who has to entertain her. lol  You are all right. I have to sit down with her and tell her that I just can't. She will have to entertain herself. She lived her all her life. She knows what there is to do around here. Not my problem. She makes her visit home sound like the Queen is coming. Like nobody has been away from this city before and she is coming back as someone we all should stop what we are doing and cater to her! It just exhausts me thinking about it. She arrives today at suppper. God give me strength! lol It's amazing how many people are like that. Once I got RA, I gave it a lot more thought. So many people are utterly self-absorbed. We have one relative who comes and stays for weeks on end. She doesn't make her own bed. She doesn't fix meals. She doesn't take us to dinner. She expects to be entertained. All well & good. In the past, I put up with it, but the next time she comes, I'm going to put her to work. And I'm going to tell her she can't stay more than 3 weeks. I have to set limits for people. It's that simple.

So you have to do it, too, Dar. Decide what you can do. From what you can do, decide what you want to do. Don't do more than that. She has her own place to live. She's invited herself here. Make sure that her visit is as much pleasure as work.

I dubbed the goody-two-shoes personality the "doormat syndrome" It has happened to me too, people would come and stay and drop their kids off, my house was always the "kool-aid" house where all the kids would come to play and I was the single mom with barely any income....I was the non-trad student at college working 2 part time jobs, barely having any time to myself and always a house full or yard full of kids. I enjoyed it and it was great for the kids, especially my daughter,but it exhausted me and the time I had to study was minimal and I would have to hire a sitter so I could go to the library to get studying done.Most of the time at the library I would fall asleep  or when I would pick my daughter up at the sitters' house, I would sit on the couch for barely a moment and be sound asleep.

I would love to have a pool, but then I would probably acquire new friends that want to swim only. I would enjoy sharing it with my thoughtful neighbors but then there is always those few individuals that want to take advantage. That is where "NO" comes in.

Hey, we are not getting any younger, so if the "no" word offends then just blame it on old age and RA.........it is for sure not worth throwing yourself into a flare..it is your health, protect it like you would your children!

jode

 

Dar thank goodness they are not staying at your place! I think you are just going to have to be honost and then stay firm. If she is a true friend she will understand. My longtime childhood friend still was self centered and immature at the age of 30. I finally had to walk away from the friendship. She didnt really care about me and when her behavior carried over onto her  young children, I knew I had to move on. It was hard, but after 15 years of her walking all over me, I finally realized that I deserved better. It was a huge step for me, but now I approach my realtionships with friends differently. I am still willing to give to the friendship, but if I start to see that I am being taken advantage of I move on. I have had much better friendships since then.You know, I will take everyone's advice (because you give really good ones
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