hi all,
i thought i was finally accepting the fact that i have severe ra, and it's not going away. well, this week-end i lost it. i woke up the other day in such terrible pain. usually that doesn't bother me as much as it did this time. i was simply tired of fighting it, tired of struggling, tired of trying. so i spent most of the day crying on the couch and feeling sorry for myself. of course, that just made me hurt more. thank goodness i have a wonderful boyfriend who never gave up on me and finally convinced me to go to the store with him (but not get out of the car). i think the fresh air helped and moving helped. eventually i slowly began to snap out of it and re-gain my usual 'i can do it' attitude.
does this mean i'm still in denial? maybe it's just part of the accepting process. whatever it is, it sucks and i want to be able to snap out of it on my own. what if no one is around? would i still be on the couch crying?
thanks for reading and i look forward to all your wonderful advice.
This disease can be really depressing at times. It's important to remember that however bad you feel on any given day, you will feel better another day. It is a very variable unpredictable disease. When you get your meds under control I'm sure that you will be feeling a lot more in control and better than you are feeling now. It's important to have some pleasurable things to do everyday to give yourself structure. I don't know if you can work but if you can, continue to do so. A hot bath, a good book, a rented movie, a walk in the garden, even just reading the morning paper are things that need to be structured into your day. Force yourself to get up and going even if you don't feel like it. From experience I can tell you it will make you feel better. Last, this is a good place to come to vent and get suggestions. The people on this board are living with this disease on a daily basis and have a lot of good advice.Ms Joey, I get accused of being bipolar and I can see why. One day I cope well, the next day I fall apart. Sometimes I fake it I am doing well to try to make it my reality. Sometimes I don't post at all because I know it will all be self pity. Sometimes I hardly notice my ra I am enjoying my family and day so much. It has been 1.5 years. I think my denial left when my limp became rather permanent and I regularly have to ask people to help me out of my chair. THAT WAS DEPRESSING but you know what, you even get used to that. The pain is easier to cope with, less often, and I have found water aerobics as a substitute for my avid hiking. I sincerely believe you have to find something to get you moving. Taking a nap is one thing but laying around because you are depressed, only makes matter worse. I am speaking from experience. So yes, I think we are all in denial sometimes and your ups and downs are normal but look how much better you felt when you got up and out. At least, put a comedy on and laugh whether you like it or not. It IS amazing how quickly your moods can change. RA is tough BUT WE ARE TOUGHER
That was a eloquent way of putting it. My daughter has always said that I am a master of illusion. Because I can make it pretty convincing that I am fine at times. I look it (from the outside, being dressed and some makeup) but, inside I have so many drugs rolling around I rattle when I walk. I know that I still have my denial days even after 5 years.... I wake up in the morning to a good day and think "okay maybe I can go back to work" and by noon I am back in the bed because I faked myself out so well and over did something that I shouldn't have.
I believe that in my case.... my denial helps push me forward and pushes me to continue to do and go as much as possible regardless of how I truly feel. That is my usual day. I just push and push. But, I do have the days that I throw a "pity party" for myself but, I only allow a short time of that because I could very easily make it last a long time.... :o)
I guess I am at the other end of that. No one gives me any pity, sometimes I wish I had in me to just have a good cry about it. I think I just let things build up untill I get mad or sick. Crying isnt totally a bad thing.
This is definitely my down day. After 6 years, I still want to live in denial. But it's getting it harder.
I usually try to stay moving, but there are times when the fatigue or the pain won't let me.
I'm afraid I do like Olive. Overdo. Overdo. Overdo.
Olive, how did you deal with the transition to not working. That is really hard on me right now. I'm flunking that course.
oohhh... you guys are all fabulous! see, this is why i come here in times of need! reading everyones posts has helped. you guys bring light into my life when i'm lost in the dark. and roxy, you are so right...
RA is tough BUT WE ARE TOUGHER !!!
now hopefully i can keep this attitude the next time i fall !
Deanna,
I was so sick at the beginning of this all that I didn't really care. I guess that's how I started the transition. Although, I do terribly miss feeling that "important" feeling and being around others at times. But, I know deep within my heart that my mind (due to the pain and frustration) is not what it used to be, my body isn't what it used to be (typing, walking, talking, etc) so... I guess I have found other silly little things that make me feel important when I need that feeling (sending others cards, e-mail, pictures, baking (when I can) phone calls). Sometimes just by reaching out to those that have reached out to me can make me feel important again. I sure hope that makes sense.
Try to remain focused on getting the best medical care that you can....then deal with all the rest of the denial issues one by one. You can't do it all at once... You will loose you mind. :o)
olive, that is so true. we can't deal with all our denial issues at once. i think that's what i was trying to do.
maybe just breathing and smiling helps when down in the dumps.
ok, breath... smile.... breath.... smile.... (sort of working)