I am the husband of a wonderful woman with RA. She was diagnosed about 2 years ago at the age of 34. We have a 2 year old and my wife is a stay at home mother. She is exausted all of the time and shows no interest in anything intimate, not just sex. Can anyone help me understand? I want to be supportave of my wife, but also not to lose something that is important to our relationship
For those of you with RA, forgive me if that post sounded selfish. That is not my intention. I just wanted to get additional info so I can help my wife through this. She means the world to me and I want to give her all the support I can
Thanks
gosh~that's a hard one Mike. I think we've probable all gone through times like that. I remember years ago when I was first Dx'ed and my children were young I went through that; but for me it was just as much about my marriage as it was my lack of interest. I'm now married to my second husband; but in my first marriage my husband came home when he was hungry....or horny. Trust me; I wasn't interested in him. It had little to do with the disease at that point and more to do with just my lack of appreciation for his life style. He wasn't the kind of husband I wanted.....in bed or other wise. It definately affected our sex life.
The pain and exhastion of RA makes it difficult to "get in the mood" that's for sure. She might can speak to her doctor (OBGYN) if it's a real problem and she/he might be able to offer her more suggestions.
Sounds as if you aren't just interested in sex but also just the closeness it brings. Assure her that this is the case. I think often a woman might shy away from affection she's worried will lead to sex. She probable just doesn't want to make you angry by starting something she doesn't want to finish? Maybe if it was pressure free she would come around and eventually naturally get in the mood? Even women in pain enjoy the love and affection of their partner. Let her see that not all your affection leads to something physical and you just might see her warming up to you on a more regular basis. That in return might lead to other unexpected things. Who knows?
Just an idea.
Good Luck!!
Doesn't sounds selfish at all.....a physical relationship is a very important part of a happy marriage. There's nothing wrong with you trying to learn more about how this disease might affect her and also affect your relationship.
I hope my response didn't sound harsh either.....it wasn't intended that way.
Not at all. We had such great moments of intimacy before all of this and it seems to have taken a downward slide since her fatigue and pain has gotten worse. The last thing I want to do is put pressure on her. I know this is hard for her.
Thanks
Try not to make notice of her physical changes....that's hard on a woman. I'm a little shy now that I've gained weight but my husband still makes me feel beautiful and he helps me to relax. That's improtant.
If she complains about her weight.....insist she looks great (even if it's not nessesarilly true) In my opinion; I'd rather my husband lie then make notice of the changes. That's just me....other's might prefer complete honestly; but sometimes a good old fashion white lie is welcome!!
She has put on a little weight, but in all honesty, I find her more attractive now than ever. I tell her that and sometimes she says 'thanks' and other times she says she is fat. I've told her several times that my attraction to her is not all about how she looks. Its everything about her.
Very good comments!
Have you guys discussed her lack of interest at all? What does she say? Often it's just as upsetting to her as it is to you especially if you guys were really close and active before. No doubt she's beating herself up about "disappointing you". I always worry about that myself. I don't want to let my husband down.
Her doctor might be able to help. Really. In all honestly sex for someone with RA actually provides some short term relief from pain. It's surprising actually....but you have to find positions what are comfortable for you both.
Something to think about: Maybe just sitting on the couch watching a movie together, holding hands and cuddling. Asking if she would like a light massage on the areas that hurt with some lotion or warmed up massage oil.Your wife is probably reeling from the diagnosis and the responsibilities of being a mother with a debilitating disease, but you can help her feel sexy and interested again. Court her like you did when you first met. Maybe little love notes tucked into her underwear drawer or her purse. If she likes to take baths, get her some pretty smelling bath products, and then take the kids out of the house for a couple of hours for her to pamper herself. Flirting is so important also - a look, a touch, a comment. "Man you look hot in those jeans" can lift a woman's spirits soo much.
It's clear you love her and are understanding about the impact RA is having on her, you can work this out with love and patience.
Thanks to all of you. Your comments and suggesstions are taken seriously and are appreciatedWell, what sort of treatment is she getting for her RA? I think getting her symptoms down to the best state is probably the best place to start. I was feeling horrible until I got on some treatment where I can move around more. I am not limber like I used to be, but I can still do things -- if you know what I mean.she is taking a lot of meds...enbrel, methotrexate, and something for depression. The fatigue is big and she has mild pain in her hips from time to time.
Its also been in excess of 95-100 degrees here that last month
Okay Mike...I am not an expert on this...but...my husband and I went through the same thing. It was hard at first...but we found ways to get around the fatique and the pain...sometimes...LOL
Massages and hot bath...LOL...WHEW...don't get a sister started! These can help to relax her and you...so you won't feel so rushed to do the do! LOL
Times where you just sit togther...once the little one is down and just talk about things you'd like to do...meaning...even talking about intimate things, how cute you are or how beautiful she is...or even a kiss when she isn't even looking for it...a touch on the back or a tender glance in her eyes...it always warms your heart and hers.
My husband and I plan sex...i know it isn't all romantical(thats a word my husband and I use)...BUT...HONEY...if it is done right...WHEW...LOL...now didn't I say don't get a girl started?
We plan a nite of a bath together...soft massages...and if it goes there...we do if not...we touch softly.
Also...in our planning...I take a mild muscle relaxant at least an hour to two hours before...we take a long bath together with candles...and the rest is history. i am also on a small dose of Prednisone which has helped with my stiffness.
Mike...I know it is important to men as well as women...one thing my husband and I did was to find new and exciting ways to enjoy each other inspite of what RA has thrown at Us.
You will also...it is the adventure of the thing that brings the best excitement and the greatest lasting memories!
Roblyn
Gotta love my girls here.....come back any time Mike. We're just full of ideas!!
Way ta go girls!!
OH~and if you aren't too embarrashed to tell your wife you came looking for ideas here; please tell her about us.
We've all found that a group of peers with simular problems makes a world of difference in our lives. We'd be happy for her to join us.
I will definitely tell her about this forum. You have all been great. I was feeling very alone before I came here. Its good to know I'm not. ThanksMy wife will be going out of town with my daughter to visit her parents here in a few weeks. When she returns, I was thinking of having a gift basket waiting for her. Items like flowers she likes, bath salts, candles, massage oils, maybe a book she has been wanting, a CD with romantic music, maybe a new sexy nightgown, etc. Do any of you think that would be a good idea? I wouldn't want her to think I was giving her these things just to get her in the mood, but a gift that she use to relax. If she wants to involve me, all the better. Am I on the right track here???
Just make sure you've got plenty of stuff in there that feels like special stuff just for her....not too many "romantic items". You don't want her to feel as if there's an motive to gift.
I think it's a really sweet idea.
thanks
Your wife is very fortunate to have such a caring husband that has gone to such lengths for his loved one.
I hope everything goes well and you both have a long and happy life together, despite the b****** that is RA.
You have all been so helpful. I truely appreciate itMike, The sexy nightgown should be a comfy cuddly nightgown I thinkI think Roxy's right on target about the night gown...I just didn't want to sound like a stick in the mud for saying it My husband & I talk about this all the time. I think it is very hard to think of your self as attractive when you are not feeling normal and watching your fingers and toes move into unwanted configurations. The media today is all about sexiness = attractiveness. There is nothing that can make you feel more unattratcive than a disabling disease. You can tell her all you want that she is attractive, but until she herself feels that way it won't work.
I would suggest discussing it with her and telling her you are open t0o ways of finding pleasure that don't always involve intercourse. Sometimes it is just too painful. You need to be very creative and come up with something taht will work for the both of you.
Also, I suggest doing all that you can to help her get her disease under control. That really is the only thing in the end that will help her find her way back to intimacy.
Hi Mike-I just read all of the posts here and I have to agree 100% with my girls.
The basket is a wonderful idea, and I agree that the nightgown should be something that she would feel comfortable and cute in. I think it is much more romantic and sexy when my husband does things for me...FOR ME, not him. I'm not a black lacey thong kinda girl...thats just not me. If he points out something like that in a store I cant help but think "is that all he thinks about??" but if he points out some PJs and I say "those look comfy" he laughs and tells me I'm cute...and I feel good.
One thing I noticed is that your wife RA came around at the same time as baby. My problems with decreased interest came along with baby #1 and increased with baby #2.
First of all, stay at home moms are usually dieing for some adult conversation by the end of the day.
It is hard to jump from singing along to the Wiggles and Barney, to doing a strip tease for your husband.
Sometimes, being the role of mommy and housewife is just so consuming that you cant get your brain to switch to sexy temptress.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. Our kids are 9 and 6. Last year was the first time we had ever gone away for a weekend alone, and we discovered that it could be the key to unlocking the door on a problem that has plagued us for 9 years.
My RA did not become a real issue untill this year. It has added stress and strain on our relationship at times. I am tired more often. I have a full time job now, and then I still have to be mom and cook and clean...sex is the furthest thing from my mind most of the time.
I have had to make this a two sided effort and I think my husband finally understands.
One is that he and I both know how important it is for us to make "dates" and time alone together. We have to make an effort to get rid of the kids so we can have us time. (quickies get old after a couple of years) It is hard to relax when you know that any minute a kid is gonna come knocking on the door...wanting something as usual.
The other thing is that I had to decide (and this was after a discussion here on this board) that despite the fact that I am tired alot of the time and could probably go once every couple of months and be just fine; it is not fair to my husband. He has felt isolated, and unattractive or unloved. It is true, I shy away from giving him hugs and kisses sometimes because then he starts bugging me for sex. I had to make up my mind to just give in to him sometimes even though I would be happy to go watch TV. Sounds bad right? I really do love him. Like Jeff Foxworthy once said "when your young and you have a choice between sleep and sex, you choose sex. When you get older and you have a choice between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex!"
Things arent super terrific, but they are slowly getting better. It took a long time to realize what the problems were, and then for him to under stand me....and me to understand him. The fact that you are seeking answers has you and your wife ahead of the game. You seem very thoughtful and that is usually a very sexy quality in a husband. Spending time with your wife doing things that makes her feel like your friend is a good way for the two of you to bond and become closer. It also makes for good memories and good traditions. Things like cooking her breakfast on a sunday morning and then the two of you reading the Sunday paper and sharing stories while you just relax...thats sexy...and you taking the initiative to send the kiddo to grannys house so you can take your wife to dinner, or setting the kid up with a snack and a movie so you and your wife can play cards or a game of chess or checkers, thats totally cool. Just some ideas, hope they give you some ideas of your own about what your wife might like. The transition from mom to sex kitten is a leap. But mom-wife-friend-lover-total sex kitten....that could actually work! WOW! Everyone did such a nice job on this!
Looks like you came to the right place to ask questions ksmike! Everyone has been so generous with their thoughts, answers, time! I cannot think of anything to add at this time! Just that these women KNOW and now you do, too, ksmike!
I may even have my husband read this!
You must be a very sensitive, generous, caring and devoted man to take the time to search for answers like this! I think you have a fortunate wife! Best Wishes!
Hi. Everyone has given such great advice! I've been married for almost 20 years and having arthritis makes having an active sex life such a challenge, due to pain and fatigue. And my husband was scared of causing me additional pain. What's helped us is figuring out the best time of day (first thing in the morning, for example) and the least painful positions (now I'm blushing). Good luck! Everyone has provided such good advice and thoughtful responses. I am so glad I sought out this forum. When I first visited this forum last week, I was scared of posting, not knowing if I was just being selfish. I need the intimacy with my wife very much and you have all helped me to think of creative ways to not only bring that back, but ways I can continue to help her relax and unwind. I was scared to bring these issues up with my wife at first, because I didn't want her to be upset and think it was just the sex I was after. You all have given me the courage to discuss this more openly with her.
Be advised that there are drawings of couples in some of these
links. Nothing super-graphic or prurient, but I'd say it's worth
a PG-13 rating. If anyone is offended by anything contained, I
can edit out the links appropriately.
http://www.arc.org.uk/about_arth/booklets/6037/6037.htm
http://www.arthritis.co.za/intimacy.html
http://www.arthritis.ca/tips%20for%20living/sexuality/prob lems/default.asp?s=1
http://www.orthop.washington.edu/uw/tabID__3376/print__ful l/ItemID__99/mid__0/Articles/Default.aspx
http://www.spine-inc.com/glossary/s/sex.htm
http://www.arthritis.org/resources/Relationships/Intimacy/ intimacy_home.asp
These are almost all from various arthritis societies.
I've ordered the pamphlet from the Arthritis Foundation, but haven't
yet received it. I'm guessing it'll be similar to some of the
above links, but I guess we'll see.
Good luck to everyone facing this situation. I'm glad there is a
community for this in which even an "outsider" like myself can seek
advice and support.
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