been trying to avoid saying anything | Arthritis Information

My marriage is really on the rocks. Brett and I are barely talking. He has started sneak drinking and he gets mad every time he sees me on the computer. He could not hold it in any longer and said - I am sick and tired of your ra. Then somewhere following that he said I no longer had anything to offer a man. You know what - I am just taking it in stride. I have been feeling the tension building, suspicious he is drinking again but I know there is not much I can do about it. I do what I can. This is another reason I want to be closer to my family. I love Brett and always will. This has not been easy on him. I have to appreciate every day how Brett is with Kelsey. He keeps track of her meds, takes her walking, out for coffee, concerts in the park. He treats her wonderful. Things I cannot do now. I have been so edgy. The pred. has done its number on me and I am cranky. Truth is - I am scared about my future but the wierdest thing is - I feel a sense of resign for whatever happens. Kelsey being home is teaching her more life skills than all the years she was institutionalized. I can thank ra for that. We all do the best we can. Yes, I am hurt and angry with Brett but I also know what all this has put him through. Yesterday he started treating me better and today he has been kind. I am certain he regrets his words but they are stuck in my head. Losing that house and all the money we spent to try to get it was the last straw. It really took a toll on our relationship. The one thing about the house we have in escrow now is it is his house - he picked it out and loves it. Who knows what will happen. Let Go - Let God is my mantra. Roxy, you wouldn't believe how many times I've heard this situation generally. I lost my fiancee' because of my illness. 6 years, and eventually she just could take no more.

I empathize deeply. By the way, I responded to your post from awhile back, I think you'll find it useful - Lyme
METALLlC BLUE38970.5233333333Roxy - RA is stressful enough but add all the other stuff going on in your life right now(house stuff, daughter coming home, his son coming, etc.) and it's amazing that you 2 aren't tearing each others hair out.

Love ya hun

Shannon

Brett is going to AA everyday. He does not drink every day as far as I know but I know there have been days. I know when he said all those mean things he had been drinking. The only time I have ever seen Brett mean is when he is drinking. NEVER PHYSICALLY. The pressure on us is tremendous but I don't know if we could have done it differently. We cannot live in Brett's house. I am in agony there, 6 months solid of wet snow. It is in the mountains, also no resources. Population of about 600. Where I live is a college town and very pricey. I have a good deal on my place but it is not big enough for the kids. I so miss Colton and love having my daughter home. I will miss you guys when we move until we can get internet. I just am praying, if we can make it until we move in, we will all be so happy in this house and new town. Plus my family is 45 minutes away. They are great. I love their company. So I am hopeful. I have to be. I have no income as of last week, and cannot take my Enbrel so very low functioning. These sores are healing - Enbrel will perk me up. Thanks 2 many and Shannon. Fun to see you two at rheumamisfits. Fun site. Roxy, It wasn't that long ago that my husband and I went through similar problems. We nearly came to a divorce because he too was tired of me being sick all the time. It was a horrible and stressful time and I spent most of my time just trying to avoid him. I won't go into every little detail, but I just didn't see that I had much purpose in this world and I blamed him for making me feel that way. Finally, I had a heart attack (my 2nd) and it was my Cardiologist who told him that he'd better get on board because he felt I was giving up on life!! And, I was.

That little talk did wonders and we have since been back on track with each other ever since. He still has his days where he really hates my disease because there's so much he wants to do, but he gets over it easily and without taking his anger out on me. It's amazing how much better I feel also. I think the constant criticism of being sick "AGAIN" was actually aiding in my being ill. If your down mentally, it's only natural you will be down physically too.

I understand dealing with addiction also, only it's my child. Because of all the money it's taken to help her, we ended up loosing a house also so I do relate to pretty much everything your saying. There's only so much a couple can take before they start to have problems. Your love will be the only thing that can save your marriage and help you get through this tough spot but it can be done.

The moral of this story is that maybe you could talk to one of your Dr.'s and explain how things are going at home and he can talk to your husband. I have a couple of Dr.'s that make it a point to ask me how things are at home when determining how to treat me. I like that.

I don't post on AI very often but I read. I remember you posting about how happy and how close you and your husband were and remember all your hiking trips and how you guys seemed really happy. I'm so sorry and I will send you lot's of prayers and good vibes for you two to endure this hump in the road and find that love again. Believe me, it's always there until you decide to give up.

Love and God Bless,
Vicki
(Also from the land of the Misfit's) No, No, No Roxy, this absolutely can't happen to you and Brett! You love each other so much! It's all of the stress in your lives right now. You will see that when things have settled down, things will go back to where they were. Honestly they will Roxy. You two will be dancing to every full moon again and it will be wonderful. Just wait and see.

Luv, Now & Then
I'm sorry to hear that Roxy. I know how much he means to you. Don't give up. I'm so sorry to hear that Roxy. I know that when someone says something like that, even if he/she doesn't really mean it, it can't be unsaid and it sticks with you. When men don't have a solution to something hurting someone they love, they tend to turn it into anger. A couple of days ago, I witnessed a dog get hit by a car. The male owner, instead of tending to the dog, started pacing the sidewalk screaming profanities at passing cars... he was just awash in emotion that he did not know how to handle and thus it came out in anger. Probably that is some of what your DH is experiencing. The stresses of the moving again, caring for your DD, missing his DS, the arthritis etc. probably have him feeling full of emotion and it just reveals itself in anger. Is it at all possible for him to get a day or two away after the move (by himself) to relax? Maybe that would help.... I hope that the move is good for both of you and allows you to get a new lease on your relationship.

What a difference a day makes. Last night I thought it was a waste of breath but very calmly I said - "I want us to be close again but we will never be close if you are drinking. The man I love is sober". He continued his grouchiness last night. Now today, he has gone to two AA meetings, took my daughter shopping, been all cheerful, talked to my daughter why I can't do things and why I have to take so many pills, (she asked if I was going to die!) and he is cooking dinner. He just took my daughter to church and he went to AA. He has been kind and gentle today as if none of this has happened. In turn, I have had a relaxing day. I packed a couple boxes, did some laundry, and read. I don't know how long this is going to last but I sure loved today. He even talked about the new house like he was looking forward to it. The new house was almost a subject we have been avoiding - wierd when you are in escrow. So who knows. I do love him. I am so sad he is an alcoholic and he has to work at not drinking everyday but I support him always. Tell him I am proud when he goes to meetings, does not drink, etc. I am so in love with him sober and I do not even like him when he drinks. It is so sad what alcohol can do to some people. So I will pray with him - one day at a time. Thanks you guys for your well wishes. I love Brett very much.

Vicki - your story gives me hope. I am hoping when I start with new doctors in OR which I dread (I love my doctors here) Brett will get more involved in my treatment. I also feel so certain once we get settled in, I will feel better. I found out Friday that we get 20 hours a month of home service (housekeeping) because of Kelsey's disability. That sure will be nice. I talk to Colton everyday on the computer. He can't wait to move back with us.

I am sorry to hear about you & Brett. I hope things get worked out for the best. Like it has already been said, he is going thru a lot of chnages and a bunch of pressures have been laid on him and some people deal with their problems in different ways.

I have been reading all your posts while lurking, and I while everyone was talking about how it was taking a toll on you, I was thinking of the toll it was taking on Brett. I mean he has had a lot put on him lately, not just you. He is probably just afraid of the unknown and trying to keep his family together and being the sole provider. If it was me in his shoes I would probably run away and cower in my bed for days on end, because of all the responibility, more than I can handle laid on me. It is scary! Not knowing if you can afford to buy a new house and then both being semi-jobless and then having to worry about my spouses health, my spouses daughters health, and then the untold future. That is a lot for one person or even 2 people.

Just make sure ya'll communicate alot. My marriage got better once I got my hubby to open up and talk about his feelings and problems with me, and then once I knew what his problem with me was I changed to help my marriage out. And well, it is the best 2 years out of 7 years and we get along so much better and hardly ever argue now. I have realized that someone has to change and cater to the other. I know I might not been able to do what I use to be able to do, but I make up for it by doing things he likes to do and not to bother him about stuff that I think are important (which most times are not important but only to me).

I just hope everything comes out to the good and don't forget the first 5 years of marriage are the roughest, because that is when you are REALLY getting to know each other.

Good Luck!

I have never not considered what Brett is going through. I have been the one to think "He didn't bargain for this" for a long time now. He is a wonderful man. We had this great day yesterday, we held hands on the couch which we have not done for a month and cuddled last night. We laid in bed and he said "Did you ever think your disease was going to get this bad. I told him no but I knew a lot of people who are a lot worse so I know I am lucky. I also told him I think it will still get better. I have to believe that. I told him the stress really makes it worse and I know we have both been under a lot of stress . He then said "you need to quit worrying - and don't worry about my drinking" so that is what I am going to try to do.

I could never resent Brett. Alcoholism is an insidious horrible disease. I have been around so many people as a park ranger that it took everything from them. I know Brett has to work at it every day and I know one thing for sure - KELSEY AND I ARE NO CAKE WALK !!!!!!!! So it is a good philosophy - one day at a time.

I pray our struggles make us stronger. There will never be another man like Brett. He is one of a kind

Roxy,

I'm reading what you are writing and seeing my own life in what I'm reading. I'm not married but have been with my SO (Significant Other) for 7 years now. I've watched how our relationship has been on a "crash and burn" pattern, since I was diagnosed with RA.

But. you and I have communicated before, good and bad.....but, reading your writings lately. ..

When I first was diagnosed with this @#$$%

I did not have a clue what my life was going to be in the future....

I don't know if you and Brett had a relationship before RA.....but I do know he knew you had RA when he married you and it is so unfair of him to say those things to you.

I get the samething....when it comes down to sex......

I'm hurting....I don't want to.....

He gets pissed and tries to make me feel guilty and pouts....

I get pissed cause he's acting like an A...hole....

It goes on from there until you are yelling things at each other, that you don't even know where it's coming from.....

I'm sorry.....but I'm coming to the conclusion, as much as I love him and I know he loves me......and neither of us chose this disease....

It puts me under more stress staying in this situation....we fight....I tense up.....I hurt all over for a week.

I think it's time for a Sibatical....?

Hang in there

KAt

Marriage is just like a rose garden - it is chuck full of thorns, dry dead patches with no flowers or even leaves, and then things green up - and oh boy, the rose garden blooms once again. It just does not follow regular seasons.

I really and sorry that you and Brett have been brought to this bumpy road. I do hope that the 2 of you can hold on until the days seem a little less bumpy. Then take the time to talk with each other, be honest with each other and really listen to what is being said. We don't always like hearing what some one is saying about ourselves but we still owe our spouses the chance to say what is on their minds.

Don't react to quickly as to what was said and if not sure what was meant by a question or statement, ask Brett to clarify what he is getting at. Brett should also give you the chance to clarify any questions or statement that he finds difficult understanding too.

I hope you and Brett can find a way to work out any trouble that you both may be having at the moment. Have faith that little dark spots in marriages happen and do not mean the marriage can not work out.

Sometimes we need to let some problems take it's course, until the time feels right to explore further into them and not create any animosity between spouses.

I hope all works out and that you 2 will once again be heading down a bump less path together.

My best to you and Brett.