I am so sad... I hate this... I feel like ending it somedays...like today... my life is over because of this... I want to die
Beccy, I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. I'm no expert on RA but I just wanted to let you know that you are not being ignored.
Perhaps if you are able to add a bit of your history others might be able to advise you?
Hi beccy. Some days are like that. Hang in there. The one thing we can all count on is nothing remains the same. When you are all the way down, then there is no place to go but up.
I was like that last night. Today I'm not better physically but I'm OK emotionally.
Hi Beccy: I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. We all share very similar experiences and physical problems. Talk to us - tell us what is going on. I guarantee there are many folks on this site who know what you are going through.
When you are feeling so down, it is vital that you talk to somebody. www.suicidehotlines.com offers many phone numbers you can call from a national number to numbers in your state. Please please make that phone call!
We are here for you online any time you need, but also think about talking to someone live. We lost my MIL on my daughter's birthday last year when she took her life and it's not the answer.
You can do this, you can get through this, it will get better. The world needs you in it. Please make that phone call and write to us here. Tell your family and friends how you feel. You are not alone and we CARE!
Hi Beccy
I went back and read some of your other posts and you seem to be still working through the process of finding what works for you with tolerable or no side effects. You mentioned that you won't take antidepressants - I would like to challenge you to rethink that. If you are diabetic, you NEED insulin. If you have appendicitis you NEED surgery. You cannot will yourself to get better from those things, any more than you can will yourself to not react to RA and all that it means. I hope you will reach out to someone in your community - a pastor, a counselor, a trusted friend - because it can get better.
Yeah beccy, I already responded in great detail to the post you left in the "deformity of fingers" thread. You should really read what I wrote there. And I think you should really consider jennifermichael suggetstion and get in touch with some sort of suicide hotline. Taking your own life is NEVER the answer. Things CAN get better, things CAN turn around. But you can't come back from suicide. Suicide is final. I know a few people who have taken their own lives and it was horrible. What those people didn't think of was what effect that would have on thier friends and loved ones. They probably thought they were alone, but they weren't. And the people they left behind will never be the same, they are scarred for life and will always blame themselves for not doing anything to stop them.
So just know that you are NOT alone. No matter what you think, you will be missed. Just give it some time and patience, and things WILL get better.
We are all with you,
Jesse
Please don't take this step. I have lived with a daughter that has been suicidal for about the last ten years. She's bipolar and for the longest time, she never felt any happiness. Now, she is on medication that stablizes her moods and she has many days when she is happy. There are still down times. But she hanged in there because she knew that it would destroy me if she did it. She just told me recently that she used to plan it out, but she didn't take that step because of me and her younger brother.
Living with a chronic illness is so hard. I know that when I am in so much pain and I cannot do so many things that I used to, I get these feelings, too. I think most of us do.
But you can't let it beat you. Because you are just on the wrong side of the mountain right now. Each time that you do find something that helps, a bit of support, a reason to keep going then you are defeating this illness. It's hard. I know it is very, very hard.
So many people are on antidepressants and consider it as part of the treatment for RA. Also, it might help if you can locate a patient advocate for yourself. It seems that you have gotten so discouraged that it is hard for you to know what to do next.
But don't step out of life. I hurt every day, really bad. I can't work any more. And, I just get so frustrated. But I won't give up.
My daughter and I have this pact for living. She can't give up. And, I can't give up.
Maybe you could do this too. I also highly recommend you call the suicide line. You need to let people that can really help into your life. There are solutions out there and getting some help right now is very important.
You can survive this and be happier and healthier.
I agree to an extent. This is no way to live! Its not fair!! You (and me) need to focus on other things, I personally find it difficult. How can you smile though this. I send my whole family (I have lots of brothers and sisters) a fact sheet on RA and not one of them even bothered to reply apart from my Mum and Aunty. Its lucky I have a great partner! It makes you wonder, well who would I be hurting if I ended it - I am the one who would benefit and to hell with everyone else! But of course I can not bring myself do do that. My Mum is pushing me to have a baby, as that would be the thing that would make me see that its not all about me! Maybe you can find your thing as well....Becky,
We all know the desperation you are feeling right now. You have to be strong, stay positive, and educate yourself. Knowledge is power. This is a crappy disease but you've got to make your mind up that you are not going to let this disease win.
The more stress you put yourself under is only fueling the fire. Stress will cause more harm. I agree with Marigold...I said the same on your post about the hair loss, a mild antidepressant like Xanax and/or a mild muscel relaxant like Flexeril will help you chill out so you can hit this thing head on.
You have come to the right place, the members on this board helped me tremendously in my first year......I don't think Arava is the right drug for you. I know how I felt when my hair was falling out by the handful daily....to much stress. Read my post to your thread on hair loss.
This will get manageable Becky.....it's just rough going through the trial and error period of finding the right meds.
Hang in there, and feel free to vent...it does help
LUV
KAT
Know how you feel, Beccy. There are days when I just want it to end. I hate getting dressed because later it means getting undressesd I hate preparing meals because it means dirty dishes. I hate doing the washing because it means sheets (ugh!) etc have to be folded and put away. But from what you said, I'm sure your list is even longer than mine. Something always crops up, such as a birthday party, or a lunch date, that requires my attendance so along I go and usually enjoy. Takes the mind off things. It's very personal, isn't it? That's one reason I like this forum, you can type things you wouldn't tell your friends or rels.
I hope you find some extra strength from somewhere or someone.
Beccy: Are you on anti-depressants? I started them when dx and they have helped tremendously. Maybe apsychologist can help you work through your feelings. If you don't want to go to one, take to your rheumy about prescribing an antidepressant.
Susan
beccy, I was where you are - and it took months and months of meds to get me under control, but I'm better. I couldn't walk. I couldn't use my hands. And now - I'm a lot like my old self. It CAN happen, but it takes time, it takes patience.
Beccy - I have barely got started yet (still to be diagnosed), and I felt exactly as you do now just a few days ago; and thought I would never see it any other way. But you know what, I do! Tomorrow is another day, and everything WILL look better (ok, maybe only different) in the morning. Please don't deny yourself the chance to find out.
Come in here and rant and complain, we can take an "ear bashing" Beccy - I think we all have been where you are now & understand what you are going through with this disease. As you do not want to take antidepressents have you considered going to a naturopath or homeopath for treatment. St Johns Wort is used extensively in Europe as an antidepressant & is very successful in some cases. Check with your health professional that it is compatible with your medication. A counsellor can be a great help - a shoulder to lean on who will not judge you can make all the difference. Good luck.
Cassie
Beccy,
As you can see, many people have been where you are now. In the late 90's my husband was very sick for about a year. I don't know how I made it through that, but I just kept pushing on. Then when he was better, I crashed. I went to bed fine and woke up severely depressed. I tried but just could not crawl out of that dark hole I fell into. After months of suffering, I finally sought help. It was a hard road for me. The anti-depressants gave me seizures, so I had to go on seizure medicine to be able to take the anti-depressants.
Even though it was a hard road with the seizures and then the long trial of finding the right anti-depressant, I'm glad I made that first step. It changed my life. I took the Effexor and Tegretol for about two years. I've been off them both for about six years now and I'm still doing fine.
Beccy, I know that we don't know each other, but I truly care what happens to you. I know its hard when you feel like this to think that there will be a time when you will feel better, but you will. Your life is a gift to you and all who love you and care about you. If you won't take a first step for you, do it for them. If you don't want to try anti-depressants, that's o.k. There are other alternatives, but suicide is never the answer.
We are all here for you.
Beccy,
I really can't add much to add the things your friends are telling you except to remind you that 1. all of us have been there and we understand 2. Get help! Antidepressants, counseling, don't give in to the temptation - beat it with help! 3. It does and will get better and you will be so glad you didn't let depression make you do something you really don't want to do. Depression is a disease for which you must get help! I am diabetic - I take insulin. I have good reasons to be depressed so I take Lexapro.
Good luck, honey - you are in my heart and prayers.
Kathy
Beccy, Your friends here have given you good advice so I don't have much to add. Please get help for the depression(which is part of this disease). Call the suicide hotline, see a counselor, talk to a minister, talk to us. Tommorrow or the next day you may be feeling much better. You are in my prayers,
Linda
Beccy - checking in with you today. How are you doing? Let us know - we're all thinking of you. Sweetie, I am so sorry for your pain and the hopelessness you feel, but know there are people who care and it is the people at this site and the ones who have answered your messages of pain and sorrow. You are not alone, as long as you come here you will always have people who care about you and will help you through learning to deal with ra. Beccy you need to tell your drs about the your pain and how you are feeling, we all need help every now and then, right now it is your turn. So please do not give up and hang in, we are all in your corner. memeTake care, Pammila