I am seriously making plans that if Brett comes back and starts drinking again, we are getting a divorce. I sent him a letter talking about how he treats me and how he is not good for my health. I have been really cold on the phone. I am just so sick of it all. Anyway, I told him I sent him a letter and he said "so you want a divorce"? I said wait and read the letter. He said "well, we can get an annulment, we have only been married a year and a half. I said no way. It would be a divorce. He is already worried about his financial ass. His father who he loves dearly called this morning. He said this has been Brett's pattern all of his life and I should divorce him if he drinks again. He said I have already put up with too much. He also said he had better give me half of everything he has. His dad said I have gone way beyond the call of marriage and I have given him every opportunity in the world to live a good life. It did not make me feel good to have Brett's dad speak so negatively about Brett but it did make me feel better that I am preparing to divorce him if he drinks again.
So my latest - what do you guys think of me being a foster mom. I am great with kids. I love teenagers and I really get along well with them. I was what they consider an "at risk" kid, went to a continuation, and look what I did - got my Masters and raised my beautiful daughter on my own. I can relate to these kids.
I also want to let Colton live with me. I don't care about child support, I just love Colton. I have four bedrooms. It would work. I also would love to be part of a bigger family. It would have to be older kids because my RA would not let me take care of little ones, even though I love the little kids. I have always been so sad I can never be a gramma because of Kelsey's mental illness. So my mind is spinning. I need to be independent and I need to feel like I am giving something back. I fostered one of Kelsey's friends for a year and we are still very very close.
What do you think? What do you think?
First get the job situation taken care of, see how your body feels to
the ups and downs of a new job. Also, you can deal with Brett
much better when your confidence is back up and you are feeling good
again.
I totally understand the divorce situation. I did it... I also
lived with an alcoholic. I divorced him when I first started in
real estate.... not an easy transition since the money was not
guaranteed every month! My kids were 7 and 9. But I needed
to be the one in control again and the divorce gave me back the
confidence I needed to succeed.
Sure, there were months that we lived from hand to mouth, but we were much happier all around.
I don't think you should take on the responsibility of foster children
just yet... there will be time for that after you have healed, both
financially and mentally.
I do understand how you want to feel like you are giving back... trust
me, you will be giving back when your life settles down a little more.
I agree, BABY STEPS! You're so gung-ho, which is GREAT, but you need to focus more on yourself.
If you REALLY feel like you need to "give back" somehow, why not start out by volunteering? How about the big sisters/big brothers program? How about the local Y? There are plenty of other ways you can feel like you're giving back, without being so tied into something. And honestly, they may not let you be a foster parent. That's something to think about. I think you should try the Y, they're always looking for helpers, and they typically have older kids there. Make a few phone calls and see what you come up with.
As far as the divorce with Brett goes....well, in the end it's up to you. I don't have a lot of experience with marriage (obviously) but I do know that when you know something deep in your heart, you *KNOW* it. So you need to dig to find that answer. Good luck hun!
I agree with the Baby Steps....
You need to get so many other things striahgtened out first. Your idea isn't a bad one, but for someone who has so many things going on, it just doesn't seem like a good idea right now....but certianly down the road when your health is a bit more stable.
The big brothers/big sisters idea is excellent....I just finished being a big sister to a lovely girl (she just turned 16 so our "match" is over, but we'll continue to get together on our own) Maybe try that out first.
You're such a giving person, Roxy....but you really need to focus on you and Kelsey right now
Kelly
Roxy, for goodness sake, one thing at a time. I realize the excitement that you must feel, but get one thing settled before you start another one. Slow down girl. Your mind is going faster than your body can keep up with. Phew Roxy. And taking in Colton who is now probably sexually active and having a cute girl like Kelsey in the same house does not sound like a good idea to me. Perhaps I am jumping to conclusions about this, but it is such a strong urge....as we all know. LOL.Being a foster parent is going to push your mind. Which is something else that you need to be thinking about, and taking care of right now. That's why I suggest the Y or Big Brothers/Big Sisters. At least with something like that, to an extent, you can "leave work at work" and take time to yourself when you get home. Foster care WOULD bring in extra money, sort of. But you have to figure in the extra cost of the kids! And they don't give you *that* much. I've known several foster families, and sometimes they just scrape by. Don't feel guilty, just sit on it and think for a while. Really weigh everything out. I mean REALLY weigh it all out. And DEF. talk to Kelsey before making any decisions, so you can get a feel of how she's going to react to a big change. There's a lot more to think about here than we've covered!
*hugs!*
Katie
You seem kinda manic right now..I agree with everyone that you need to chill out a little and let the dust fall. It seems that things change so rapidly for you. Just take some time to really think about what your doing. Just a couple days ago you were talking about a new dog....now foster kids...divorice...etc!Roxy, I have to agree with everyone. Slow down, take time to let life evolve and see where it takes you. Focus on rest, recovery and financial stability. Get your ducks in a row, so to speak. Speaking with a financial planner would be an excellent step right now.Roxy
I know that you dont know me I am very new here....but please dont rush into everything.....the biggest thing you must do is take care of yourself......I can understand about the fdrinking My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very muh addicted to e=any and all medications....please take the steps now.....my mom lived till she was 88 and I lived a life of hell trying to fix her addiction and still am suffering the back lash....she passed on a couple of years ago.
You must make yourself a priority take care of you firsi and then open yourself to whomever and whatever
I will keep you in my prayers
OK you guys. First - I am not manic. I am panicked. I don't want to lose this house I love so much. I had planned on that tutoring job I would really let the marriage situation play itself out before looking into
This is a wonderful time to focus on yourself. Take the time to do it. I feel you don't like not knowing what the future will bring and you are going thru a million things in your mind right now to bring the future to the present. Have faith that you will be shown the right path that you need to take. You have been shown before and you will be shown again. Just look and listen for those signs. Slow down hunny or you are going to get more sick and that is the last thing that you or Kelsey needs right now. I know its easier said than done but please try!
We are here for you and we care about you very much!
Things certainly seem to be a bit out of control at the moment. The last thing you need to do is "plan" something else. I suppose you have heard the saying that "I got up this morning and planned my day and God just laughed." You can hardly deal with what is in front of you right now...and that is likely the crux of the problem...you are looking for something else to focus on so you don't have to deal with the reality of the situation in front of you. Not an uncommon experience...looking to find something you think you can be in control of when life is spinning around you.OK guys. Maybe I am jumping the gun. I am already worried about Dec. house payment. We were supposed to be able access Brett's 401K and the property was supposed to sell. With Brett in rehab, he cannot access 401 K. He cannot be fired while in hospital. I want Brett well. I want all of this resentment I have against him to heal. He is the love of my life. It is just trust, when it is lost over and over again - I wonder if I can ever trust again. Right now I want to be prepared that he might not help me. He already said he didn't care about my credit which I have worked at most of my life. His Dad called today and said do not depend on him
PS Brett has already made comments that suggest he is making other arrangements for when he gets out and it is not coming back here.
One word ...
eBay
Sell your antique furniture you were thinking of selling on eBay. You can do pickup only or you can ship via freight which the buyers pay for like a shipping cost.
Just a thought... would bring in money for Dec.
Roxy is not a flake. She's this person with a big heart. It's the kind of heart that wants to reach out and just fix everything. She wants to fix Brett and it's hard to face that only he can do that. She wants to fix Kelsey, but she has come to terms with the best she can offer is a good environment. She wants to give Colton a stable place where he is loved, something he hasn't had. She wants to make Tyler see again.
I understand panicking. I'm there. I've got maybe 0 and have to wait for SS to come in. I know about losing everything you have. It is a very real possibility. It's happened to me before. It could happen again. It's even scarier when you are so ill.
Maybe Roxy needs to break things down a bit. But sometimes, life is so overwhelming that is hard. When I used to get overwhelmed, I could go on long walks. Things got better. Roxy used to hike to some really beautiful, peaceful places. This has been taken away from her. She is still exploring her new place of calm. She'll get there.
Also, her illness has gotten her to the point of not being able to do simple things very quickly in a very short point of time.
I believe at some point, Roxy could make something work with foster kids or something else. It's not just about money. Many, many times she has mentioned how much she loves young people. This is a joy for her and she shouldn't abandon the hope for it.
But money is a problem. Roxy is facing her life. Do you even realize how much guts it takes to bring Kelsey home, make Brett face the reality of his illness and cope with her own disease. Healthy people would freak from this much stress, especially when they moved on top of it.
Unexpected things happened, which is the way of life. I think there should be more encouragement and acknowledgement for what she has accomplished. She needs friends right now.
Saying that maybe she should slow down and take care of herself is ok. But read over this whole thread again. Think about if it was directed towards you.
I think I would be in tears right now. It's too much. And quit calling Roxy maniac. I have a daughter that goes maniac and Roxy is nothing like that. That is judgemental.
She's having a hard time. For goodness sake, give her a break.
Im not nor is anyone else trying to make Roxy feel bad. She asked for our advice and we are giving her just that. Yes I have read over the thread and it does sound the way it sounds. I know from reading on here for several years that Roxy has been through alot and that she is a good person. I dont think anyone is trying to judge her. Everyone is trying to be there for her as a friend. We are looking out for her She doesnt have to listen to any of our advice at all she can do what she wants to but we are hoping that whatever she decides will be the best decision for her. She seems to have been let down many times and everyone is wanting to keep her from going through that again. But I do know one thing about her from her posts is that she is a very strong person and she will make it.Roxy, if I offended you or made you feel bad in any way at all, I apologize. That was not my intention at all. I was trying to relate that I have been where you are and feeling some of the same things you are. If that came across badly or wrong I do apologize. I think you are one fabulous person and I just want you to take care of yourself.
I can very much see where Deanna is coming from after re-reading the posts. Some of them are a little harsh. Some of them are not. I can understand panicking too. Been there done that with losing it ALL. It can happen to ANY of us.
Please let's be supportive in a kind, gentle, and understanding way. Even if someone doesn't agree with something that is posted there is still a kind, gentle, and understanding way to go about posting that or sending a PM to that person. There is so much anger and harshness in the world right now. I come here to escape that and vent my frustrations in dealing with life and this awful dang disease. I can always find support and cheering up here. Only we truly understand what this disease is like and how it effects our daily lives. So, please, let's be constructive and not destructive.
Thank you Deanna, for putting into words what I was thinking, but did not know how to say!
I have so much admiration for you, Roxy, for dealing with all the problems and trials in your life and still wanting to do what you can to help others.
I don't think those that wrote hurtful comments really intended to hurt you. I know how much everyone cares for you. Sometimes people just get too outspoken, and don't stop to think of how their words might hurt the one they are trying to help!
You will discover what it is that you want to do, and what is right for you. My prayers and best wishes are with you, as you find your peace.
Gentle hugs and blessings,
Nini
Hi Roxy - been a bit since I posted but I wanted to let you know you were in my thoughts and prayers. I also wanted to share a story - my hubby isn't an alcoholic but he is a manic that needs to take his meds every day or he just becomes a very different not nice person to be around. The last time he went off his meds was years ago (actually it is 18 years this month). To this day he says he can remember me coming to the hospital and telling him that if he ever didn't take his meds again I would leave and never look back!! Now of course I had said this before but this time he said he knew it was different and I meant it - he could hear it in my voice and see it in my face and body language. So when you talk to Brett be sure he knows (no questions asked ask, no compromising, no more second chances) that you have had all you are willing to take(once you do this you will be amazed at the weight lifted off your shoulders because you know you have done all you can do). I wish you all the luck in the world and hope and pray this works out best for YOU!!! Now rest my friend and try to work on getting you better - use this as YOUR time. I have seen you slay dragons before and don't ever think you are not strong enough because girl you are. Sending lots of gentle hugs and good vibes your way.
Deanna, You are such a good friend. I considered most everyone on here a friend of sorts. I just need a "self reflecting mirror". You psychology majors will know what that means. I run ideas I have by all of you and get all different kinds of responses. I have considered foster care as a way to help pay house payment. I don't feel bad about that. I am wonderful with kids, understand kids with issues as I came from a very dysfunctional family and grew up and accomplished more than most people - on my own. No help from anyone. I am just looking at what I can do and where my talents are. I have always been told I am great with kids. When I substituted the kids would always ask for me to come back. When I taught reading to 2,3,4 graders, those same kids as teenagers would come up and give me a big hug. When I ran my science program, the teachers said no one could get the kids as enthusiastic as I could. My stepson and I are very close. I am close to my daughter and when she was in the hospital, I would befriend many others in her condition. I stood up for the mentally ill constantly when I did law enforcement. Teenagers can be taught responsibility so I would not have to physically care for them, but I could still give them sincere love, respect and guidance. I feel I have a lot to offer as a foster parent. My other assets are I know a lot about life science. That is tough because I loved to teach outdoors. Physically that is not possible and I do not think I could handle an entire classroom right now as a sub.
I am taking care of my schizophrenic daughter, well we are taking care of each other, and we have a great relationship. She is very happy. So yes, one of the reasons I considered foster care is to help with the house payment but I also considered it because I have a lot to offer kids, even with my RA. I went through a lot as a child and I can empathize with kids that have had it tough. I also am a good mentor as I went on to get an education, a career and raise a daughter on my own who was very accomplished until she was stricken with such a horrible disease.
Right now, I am not giving up on Brett and I but I don't trust his sobriety anymore. I like options and exploring them. That is why I am a survivor. Deanna and all, I am not offended. I filter anything that might be offensive. I know people have all kinds of different perspectives. Maybe that is why I was such a good park ranger. I could always find common ground with people. If this was not the internet, I might not be so open, in fact, I am very particular who I call a friend and who I spend time with BUT I find this to be a safe place to look at myself and get input. That is why I come here and why I am so grateful for AI.
One thing that did offend me was love in quotes. I am very sincere and the hardest part of being a tutor in a Title One school is I would get so emotionally involved with my kids. I did love them. I bought them all books for birthdays and Christmas. I would fantasize how I could take them home to give them a more stable life. I have a foster daughter, her mom was a meth addict. We are still very very close. This is not the first time I have considered fostering. I have talked to Brett about it many times the only drawback is we like to travel.
Thanks Vicki, No one offended me. I am fine. But you did just inspire me. Maybe we can make my life a soap opera. You reading this Deanna????????? You can write and Katie - you are artistic director - hmmmmmmm - Crunchy - how about technical expert and Gramma - do your grandkids want to be child stars and............and Now and Then - you can take care of promotion. You can all be a part of "All of Roxy's moods, resentments, loves and trivia while her world spins"
Get in line early because auditions for the role of Roxy pre-ra are going to be competitive. I have had one hell of an exciting, fun, good life.
We are such a wonderful and talented group of people!
Angelina Jolie can play you pre-ra. Beauty, brains, and athletic. Roxy; I haven't been on in a while; and I don't have time to read all the responses here this morning. BUT; I'd like to say I'm truely sorry things are so bad in your marriage. I remember how happy you were to marry him and I know you have to be just heart broken over the situation. On this subject of the foster child; I'd say no. Bad idea. I have no doubt you love children and surely they love you.....but with your health and personal problems it's like to be far more trouble than it's worth. Are you considering this because of the money that comes with it every month? Hey Roxy, The one thing you are not is dull. My wishes are that Brett gets his sobriety back and regains himself, his wife, his son, his step daughter, and a decent job. I don't think it is impossible that you could have a happy family again. I absolutely agree that Brett must remain sober. I think selling that giant antique thing to make the Dec payment is the least amount of trouble. It is also a sure bet that it would make somebody a swell xmas present and so would fetch a MAG price. Once that payment is in hand - the anxiety level will plummet. You can have a merry merry xmas. Then is the start of a new year, with SS disability, job market opening up, etc. in other words full of possibilities including a sober Brett. Love ya Roxy. Nothing to fear but fear itself. Don't forget to vote!!! Marion, Good advice except Brett is in rehab and the armoire fell apart at the joints like I am
Brett is calling daily and he seems to still want to make this work. Once he is sober - he is totally dedicated to our relationship but I don't know if he can stay sober. Thanks Debs. Miss talking to you. I got a call from the assessment administrator position. They are interested but it is 30 hours a week. They told me to mention in the interview that I could not work that many hours and maybe they can work something out. Let Go, Let God. That is my mantra for the day. Brett being in rehab is the right place for him. Perhaps this time he will gain the tools that will keep him sober. As for knowing whether he can stay sober.. well it is just un-knowable. If he can't stay sober and be a decent person instead of a dry or wet drunk - you will fling him out on his butt. In other words you have a plan for a drunk Brett - so don't worry about it. (My drunk got dry - I ended up moving on cause it was not enough). Have you got another antique thing that will fetch a good price? You can always buy more when times are better. Thought: Some people make a dandy living trading antiques.... Hang in there - the job market always improves after the holidays. You are resourceful and you will find a way. We do a lot of selling on eBay and bring in about 0 month for old used toys we pick up at a thrift store. But we only do listings when we need the extra money for like son's b-day or coming soon Christmas. I am thinking of giving up my SSI and just doing an online business with old used toys on eBay and just making that my job... hunting down toys. Me & hubby have thought of opening up a toy store in town, since closest place for good toys is about an hour away... but we do not have the funds to start something like that up. So... eBay it is. P.S. I will not get an SSI check in Dec. as hubby worked overtime before we left to California and they estimate him to make close to 00 in the month of December because of the overtime he got to work before we left which he will not get to do in Dec. and he will be off work for a whole week in Dec. for Christmas... sooo I do not see him bringing home the projected 00. I can appeal, but seems like too much damn trouble. You changed the title to life and then it said I had posted to it and I was like "Did I?"
Your are screwin wid me head...
Thought I was fogging again without realizing it
yep, sure is. but confused me
Karen
Hillhoney. No sweets. I am not offended at all. I make myself vulnerable to all different perspectives because I do not use discretion when I post. If I did, AI would not be a "safe" place for me and I do feel safe. I get it all out so I can cope in the real world. I am fine and you are great. Sorry, I'm already a body double - double the size I was when I got married!
Debs x
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