Musings from the Sanctuary: fear of our own power
RA can be a strong source of fear and uncertainty, and can impose severe limitations on the quality of our lives. I constantly struggle with the following question: Are these limitations real or are they self imposed, driven by my fear and lack of courage? It’s often a very difficult question to answer. I know that I sometimes use my illness as an excuse to back away from challenges that I’m facing…yet there are real limitations and I need to learn to accept them. As I mentioned in a prior posting, I’ve been reading a book written by a Jewish Rabbi: Alan Lew called “Be Still and Get Going”. It’s about meditation practice from the perspective of Jewish traditions. I was intrigued by the following quote from the book.
“Yet I think there is an even deeper fear operating here than the fear of loss, and that is the fear of our own power. We get used to living without power and without love. We come to believe that this is how our lives should be. We become comfortable within the confines of these limitations. They surround us like the walls of a womb. When our real strength begins to declare itself, when the intensity of love presents itself to us, we are torn out of this comfortable cocoon. This is a frightening experience, and if our courage fails us, we will choose to live without our full power, without passionate intensity. We will settle for something that feels safer and more comfortable. Better to settle for a life that seems easier to hold.”
Here’s a thought. We have already been torn out of our comfortable cocoon by the daily struggles this disease imposes upon us. Maybe that’s partly a blessing, and we have a unique opportunity to find the power within us to live with more intensity, to show compassion with greater empathy, and to stretch beyond our former comfort zone!
I hope you find peace and joy in your life,
Alan
Alan, I truly believe this. Or better yet, it's true whether we want to admit it or not. That sounds like a book I might want to read. Thanks for sharing.Alan, again, I really like what you have presented.
Personally, I've never been one to live in my comfort zone or to settle. If I did, I would have remained in some pretty sad places in my life. I think that my struggle to overcome challenges, something that I have always been attracted to, is what eventually exhausted my physical energy and made me susceptible to so many autoimmune diseases.
I had to take the harder road, to break out of the expected. I wouldn't stay in bad situations and had no desire to become comfortable in them. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have such a drive to achieve, to conquer, to fight. Many times, I took extreme risks to free myself of situations where others might have remained.
I would not go back and change this. Each struggle brought me to a better place even though my life is far from what I want it to be right now. RA has become the challenge. Finding a way to deal with the damage it causes without becoming a hard, bitter person is part of my goal.
I would love to be well. I hate the limits imposed. But mine are very real. And, they are elusive. One day walking seems no big deal. The next, hey I can barely move. RA has stolen away friends, my job, my career, my finances. Yet, I feel challenged to see what other kind of life I can have.
The hardest thing is giving up my creative passions, writing and art. These are immersed within my personality. You have the same thing with your music and your poetry. I know you can understand how integral this is to your soul.
It would be easy to quit writing, which is my greatest passion right now. I just can't. I do it in pieces. I'm keeping it. If I have to scribble it out, tape it, record into my computer, whatever it takes --- this is the part of me I am determined to keep regardless of what RA does to me. I hope God is gracious enough to let me keep that.
Writing expands my mind and relaxes my soul. I discover myself and learn about others through the experience. It may be what brings me beyond the limits of RA into a new relationship with myself.
It is true that people love their comfort zone. At times, I grab hard at mine. Many times, I am full of fear. But then, I have the morning to start again.
I loved that quote because I think that is the way most people are. I was forced by life out of that many times. Mostly, that has been a good thing.
What is a comfort zone?????? They always made me so uncomfortableIt makes me think of something I've come across several times lately, that Renoir had horrible RA, but was carried to his easel every day with a paint brush taped into his hand, and there he painted his masterpieces. I'm not sure I could do that (and I'm not an artist), but it makes me realize that I'll be able to do a lot more than I might think I can.
Deanna, I write as well, and like you I'm not willing to give it up. I'm already looking at new mouse technology because of how hard it is to use a mouse some days. And if the time comes that I need to wrestle with speech recognition software or special adaptive keyboards, then that's what I plan to do. I figure it's all expensive and a hassle to learn, but I'm glad it's there as an option.
A couple of years ago I took a course in adaptive technology (aids and supports for people with disabilities). I took it just because the time and location fit in my program and I needed an elective. It seemed irrelevant to what I do and I had some inner resistance to the classwork. Such arrogance! (my own). Now I'm hoping I kept the textbook, because there was a wealth of ideas and resources in it.
RKGal
I am humbled by your struggles and the intensity of your efforts to rise above them.
Ah...Renoir...my favorite painter! I've always had a passion for Impressionist art, and Renoir was the best. If you're ever in Chicago, the Art Institute on Michigan Ave near the lake has one of the best collections of Impressionist art in the world, and Renoir is a featured part of the exhibition. Some of his most famous paintings are there. Van Gogh is also a favorite of mine. I was fortunate enough to be able to visit the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam a few years ago...truly spectacular to see such paintings in person.
Alan
Hey Alan. I visited the Van Gogh museum on the hundreth anniversary of his death. They had the most Van Gogh's in one place then there had ever been. It was an inspiring experience. I felt I got to know him. An experience I will never forget. Isn't Amsterdam beautiful and the people are all so nice.ALAN: {RA can be a strong source of fear and uncertainty, and can impose severe limitations on the quality of our lives. I
constantly struggle with the following question: Are these limitations
real or are they self imposed, driven by my fear and lack of courage?}
Limitations are self-imposed also by not accepting change or wanting to deal with change and/or not wanting to avail ourselves of more knowledge of our surroundings and more awareness of who we are (as individuals).
My creativity doesn't include art but I do write, act in community theatre plays and many feel (doesn't include family) I am indeed one terrific cook.
A couple of weeks ago I began reading "The Tibetan Book of Living andDying", written by Sogyal Rinpoche. Haven't completed completed chapter 2 yet and will always be close at hand to read and reread....
Keep your posts coming!!
Alan, really liked your descriptions of Renoir and Van Gogh, also two of my favorites.
I talked about saving my writing, but my art is a different story. I've been both a designer and writer for many years. The designer work has migrated to the computer and I cannot do that any more. I was doing all kinds, including multimedia. But it is very hard on my eyes, hand and shoulder. Now I just associate it with pain.
I still have my right hand that can draw, paint, etc. But the damage there is not RA. I've lost my inspiration to paint. I can't seem to find it. Maybe it's the teacher in college that pushed too hard, having a daughter that I wanted to encourage to find her own talent (and wow, she did) or just not being able to get out to find new inspirations.
Yet, I have hope that I will find that. I have decided that I am going to drag myself down to the local galleries (we have wonderful ones here) and museums.
But I was really touched by everyone's descriptions of the galleries. Oh, I so want to go places. Come on body, pick yourself up and let's go!
Can someone please explain about not knowing where your comfort zone is and not wanting to be there? If I am not in somewhat of a comfort zone, then I seek it out and find it and stay there. Roxy and Deanna, is that why you are both so restless? This reminds me of my daughter who has been married 4 times, she has moved at least 20 times, she has had at least 15 top notch jobs and she is still not happy. I just don't get it. If there is an answer out there, I would like to have it explained. She is not in a comfort zone either except when she is in complete control, thus the 4 husbands who would not put up with it. C'mon guys fill this Mom in with the facts. For me it is I always want to be challenged. I never want to feel defeated and just give up. RA has made me want to feel that way. We are all different. I have always looked at life as an adventure, if it is something I have never done, I want to do it. My two husbands were adventurous also. You can have a fine relationship if you find someone with the same values. My daughter is grown and needs to learn to be somewhat independent. Brett and I would likely be sitting in Mexico right now if RA did not hit. It takes all kinds to inhabit this planet. Truly, I am always pushing myself. I can't help it. I want to do all I can do in this lifetimeAlan
Having a comfort zone is not a bad thing. A comfort zone is any situation where you feel peaceful and at home. It can be the wonderful home you live, a great job, a terrific relationship.
I believe Alan's point is that sometimes people get trapped in their comfort zone and it is only huge events in our lives that pull us out of them. When you stay only inside the comfortable place, even if it's not good for you, you may lose the ability to grow and expand your world. Life is change. Even in a really good situation, a life change can bring new prespectives.
If reference to our being restless, that almost seems like a negative connotation. Would you rather I be content to curl up in a ball of pain and just accept all my limitations? Or, years ago, stay in a diasterous marriage that would have invariably ended in my death if I hadn't left? Or, on the postive side, had not taken the risk of some new job with wonderful opportunities to expand my knowledge, my talents and meet interesting people? Or, maybe not start my own business and have had some of the most rewarding times of my life? All of these events meant that I had to reach out of my comfort zone.
Some people, like my mom, have lived in the same town, been married to the same wonderful man, gone to the same church, knows everyone around her. This is her comfort zone. She's happy there and I wouldn't touch it for the world. However, she did have her comfort zone really shook this last year. She had some big, life threatening health issues. It has changed her in a delightful way. She has learned compassion which she did not possess at all before. She is much more giving and understanding to the people in her life. She was forced out of her comfort zone and it was good for her and other people in her life. She still has her town, husband, church and has regained her health. But her heart has changed and that was really important because she was hurting people with some of her attitudes. She had totally alienated me from her life. Now, she has become a source of comfort for me.
In regards to your daughter, may be it lies more in the difference in view of what life should be between your daughter and yourself. Obviously, she has chosen a very different life than you. This unsettles you and she probably is very aware of your disapproval of her life. No matter how hard she tries, is she ever going to please you? Now, that might not be the case. But it has been the case with my parents. They have never accepted me for who I am. I am nothing like my siblings and nothing like them.
That lack of acceptance echoes across my life. There is nothing I can ever do to please them. I've tried. It's made me into an overachiever. The kindest thing you can do for your daughter is to accept who she is, where she is, right at this moment. Hard to do. But if one has that, it gives them a secure base to step off of no matter what their age. You may have always given your daughter this. But if not, it is a wonderful gift to give her now.
Just because your daughter is still searching does not necessarily mean that she won't or can't find her place. She just wants more. Praise her for her accomplishments. Tell her that she is capable of finding that someone special. Some of the greatest figures in history have been those you had to keep stretching. This includes great leaders, writers, artists. Maybe your daughter is one of those people.
I am the kind of person that must strive for the next achievement. It is built in me. However, I do everything possible to make relationships work. Unfortunately, I have made bad choices in the men I have chosen so that there was no possibility of success. Just because I choose to leave those relationships does not make me less of a person. I had two marriages that were horrible and dangerous. The strength of character was in deciding to leave, not to stay. My comfort zone would have told me to stay. Especially the last marriage, I had a nice home, nice job, etc. But this man was hurting me and my children. I had to leave to save our lives and so step outside of my comfort zone.
Some people are luckier in life, I think. They are not presented with such huge challenges over and over. Then, there are people like Roxy and myself who have had to fight ever step of the way. We make the changes in our lives because we wish to improve our situation. Until you know what a person is up against, you cannot just call them restless as though this was a bad thing. As long as a person is always trying to improve their lives, no matter what they are up against, I think is what is important.
Sometimes to do that, you have to step outside the comfort zone. And, sometimes, you get to curl up and just enjoy it.
One's comfort zone is just that, where they are comfortable. My comfort zone is doing anything and everything I possibly can. I'm in my comfort zone when I'm creating art, traveling and exploring new places, cooking regional foods, and meeting new people and making friends.
I've had to modify all of these adventures because of RA but I still do them with the help of my husband, friends and my community both in the U.S. and Mexico. I would be outside my comfort zone if I didn't live an adventuous life. I still volunteer. I do it all through the pain and the twisted knees, fingers, and the numbness. I'm not super woman just determined to live my life to the fullest measure that I can with RA. I won't let it stop me. I can't hike 3 miles any longer but I can still hike a quarter of a mile. I can't swim in the ocean but I can wade. I can't do yoga any longer but I do Tai Chi. It has all been a trade off for me and I've learned so many new things because of RA and the pain. There have been times when I flared so badly that I couldn't move and was housebound but I was able to write 2 weekly newspaper columns.
Everyone's reaction to pain is different. I believe in better living through chemistry. That's one of the reasons that I'm able to do so much. That and my determination. I'm in more pain if I don't do what I want to do. It's emotional pain. I'd rather have the physical pain of doing than the emotional pain of not doing. I practice Buddhism so meditation helps me a great deal and the Buddhist community is always there for me. No matter where we travel I find someone. We seek each other out and there is always spritual help at hand.
And don't forget to daydream.
Alan, I lived in San Francisco and Burlingame for 20 years. I'm glad that your music has brought you such joy.
Deanna, I admire your strength and determination. Don't lose it.
Alan, Deanna, Linda,
I truly appreciate your words of wisdom and I am really going to remember what you have said. I have not been diagnosed with RA yet, but I am truly feeling the effects of it. Today is Saturday and I had a really bad day at work yesterday, and I am hurting today. I go to the RD thurs. I just want to share my feelings. I guess i am going through the grief stages right now, grief for what I have had, which is being strong, being able to lift my coffee cup in the morning, running, being able to do my job the way I have always done it...I am an overachiever too. I give my patients everything I have because they deserve a nurse who can do that for them. I can't even clean my house because I don't have the strength to scrub a damn bath tub right now. And I want to. (Can you believe it?) I could go on and on. I know all of us could.
I will say I WILL get to the place where ya'll are at, and enjoy what I can do and make those adjustments. I WILL NOT curl up in a ball and just hurt. This forum helps me more than you know. NOBODY knows, understands, not even my husband, what this feels like for me. But I will overcome this. This posting just brought tears to my eyes, alot of them, and I wanted to just share my feelings because having RA is a loss.
quietAngel, I truly hope your diagnosed soon. Since you're seeing an RD have you started any type of treatment or is Thurs. your first appointment? You're a nurse so you realize the importance of early intervention and getting the right med cocktail. Working was the one thing I had to give up; just didn't have the energy or the motor skills to continue. I was lucky because I was able to retire. I'm older than most of the people on the forum. In some ways it's good and some ways not so good. On the bad days it takes every ounce of my energy, with nothing to spare. Once your diagnosed you'll have emotional relief because you'll know exactly what you're dealing with. Let us know on Thurs. how your appointment went.Linda,
I had my first appointment thurs, almost two weeks ago. The RD didn't diagnose me because he said he liked for his patients to have symptoms for at least 6 weeks. I had seen my GP 5 weeks before that for these symptoms and that is when my symptoms were just unbearable. So I had had symptoms for a while. I guess he's basing it on when I saw my GP. But he didn't give me anything and I am hurting worse now. I'm glad he's not rushing into it but I am ready to get something going. As a nurse and just my personality I am ready for something to be done yesterday, as you all know how that is I am sure. Thank you for your kind words and words of wisdom!
My gawd Deanna, you hit the nail on the head! You explained my daughter as if she were yours. And our relationship is strained, in fact her relationship with the whole family is strained. We call her the black sheep because she is so different. I noticed that when she was a small child that she was very ambitious. At the age of 8, she had a paper route and when she was 10-12 she cared for older people in the neighborhood.Now & Then,
Just call your daughter up and tell her how really proud of her that you are. Let it just start from there.
And, by the way, I have just as many problems. I just had a fight with my own girl because she's not facing up to taking care of herself and piling it on me. I feel like I crushed her. But I just can't let her stop trying.
So, I am struggling with being a mom. From what I understand, it's what moms continue to do no matter how they or their children get. But let the relationship turn into a wonderful friendship with this amazing person that you raised. I have also been called the black sheep for the same reasons. But time and perspective changes things.
So call her up already.
Deanna,
You are sooo good with words.WOW!!!!!! You always have such insite into thinks. Thanks for taking your time to help people on this board. Thanks to you Allan... for starting this post. I haven't posted much lately but I read alot of them. Keep up the good work! Pat
I really feel this way too. I hate the RA but it has at least made me do things I probably wouldn't have if I were not diagnosedf with this. I am only 38 and I was just diagnosed in early June. I have always wanted to dance and I do it to stay healthy but I decided to take a tango class. It is really a neat thing and I am glad I am doing it. I also am going to a xmas trip to NYC with my son because I figure when my younger children get older , I may not have this opportunity to travel. I know more bad days are coming but if I make the days really count, then I have lived my best! I hope God has got more fun in store too... One more question about "comfort zone" What is the difference between being in a comfort zone and being just plain lazy or not motivated?Here's an example, again from my parents. They are retired and have lived in their current home for 40 years. This is very much their comfort zone. They are currently relandscaping the entire outside of their place and having a blast doing it. So, while they will probably never move outside of their comfort zone, they are far from lazy.
Lazy or not motivated would be someone who settles in and lets the dust accumulate regardless of necesary things that need to be done. Unmotivated would be someone who has no desire to accomplish things that are important to that person's life.
Just my definitions. A lot of us feel like when we rest when we are not feeling good that we are being lazy. That's just not the case. That is not only being practical, but wise. I have all the motivation in the world to do many things. I just don't have the energy and strength to back it up.
Does that make sense? What do others think?
What makes this world so wonderful is that we have all kinds of personalities. If we didn't - how would society continue to provide for our over population. I don't like negative tags like lazy or not motivated. I think we are all supposed to learn something in this lifetime and maybe people who remain in their "comfort zone" are the ones that ground us that are constantly being challenged. Every single person on this planet earth plays an important role !!!!!!