I woke up so sick this morning. I used to go visit Kelsey every three months in the hospital, it was always a long drive. When I was there I would smoke with her. Her home visits I would smoke with her. It was always easy not to smoke when our visit was over. She considered smoking together a bonding experience. Well, I was stupid enough to think I could smoke like that when she moved in. Since she has moved in I have smoked more and more with her. Now I am feeling the effects and it sux. I cannot believe I was so stupid. It has been really hard to quit with everything that is going on. Today I woke up with a fever and a bad cough. I am so angry with myself. I am quitting. It isn't easy as life has not been easy but I am angry enough with myself and sick enough - I am going to do it. I don't think Kelsey will ever quit smoking so I have to get tough and learn to not smoke when she smokes constantly. Others have done it and I WILL to. I have to quit beating myself up for being so stupid to think that I would not get addicted. Today's sickness is a blessing. It is definitely motivation to take better care of myself. The last few days that has been what my life has been all about. To not regret this move and get my health back. This is a great opportunity GO FOR IT ROXY!!!! I know you can do it. I have quit before and then started again too. I am planning on quitting when I have my knee replaced. Can't smoke in the hospital so I might as well not smoke at home either. I will also be quitting with a smoker in the house. I am going to use the patch and chew a lot of straws (I chewed straws before when I quit...weird...but it helped). I am also going to start another blanket so that I have something to do with my hands.
Hang tough like I know you can! This is one of the best choices you can make for your health!
The change in you comes through clearly in your "voice." Not that I've known you long enough to know change for you, it just sounds like you're feeling differently about yourself. That taking charge, caring for yourself, ready-to-make-yourself-better spirit is what I mean. You've got it. And you'll dig up all the support and resources you need to do this, just like you've done for the other steps you've taken recently. And you've got a built in cheering squad here.
Before RA I thought taking good care of yourself was important for other people, but only vaguely applied to me. I was too busy and felt bored by the idea of paying a lot of attention to that stuff. I was basically healthy living and that was enough of that. Now I'm finding I'll do just about anything, large or small, to try to make myself better. I think maybe this is also part of the bargaining stage too, but so be it. Exercising some way whether I feel like I can or not. Wrestling myself into doing things that I know will make me feel better at least mentally, when all I want to do at the moment is stay stuck and be left alone. Eating better. Resting more. Watching my attitude. Every day I feel myself sliding away from some--or all!--of the feel-better habits and I'll either pull myself back and feel good or give in to how big it all is and feel bad. I think what helps me on the doing-it-anyway days is reminding myself that 1, I want to stay in charge of my life and show RA who's who around here; and 2, My poor joints need me on their side. When that doesn't work, a lot of times I'll tell myself "On your feet, soldier!" (which can apply to more than just making myself move) and that will do the trick, don't ask me why. And when nothing works I try to forgive myself so I'll be more likely to get it right next time. On a different note, about the smoking, I just read that being around someone who is smoking for one hour is the same thing as smoking four cigarrettes yourself. I was surprised at that magnitude, even though as an asthmatic I've had to duck smoke-filled rooms forever. Maybe Kelsey will start smoking outside? Anyway, here's to life being all about taking care of yourself. Good luck with today. Roxy, Julie smokes and I can't breathe around it. She has always smoked outside otherwise I have major asthma attacks. She's now starting to wash her hands, use Febreeze on her clothes so that I won't get hit with that smell. I know it's hard to quit. When my ex did, he used to chew an old toothbrush. That's pretty disgusting especially when it just kind of disappeared one day. When I ask him about it to this day, he just grins. My dad used toothpicks and hard candy. He's never picked them up since.
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