And the happier side of things....
**warning - very long and detailed, possibly offensive, but not meant to be**
There has been so much talk of depression and sadness lately, I wanted to share a happy story. I hope it'll lift some of your spirits. At the very least, I hope it makes you smile for at least a second or two.
For almost as long as I have a good memory of...or at the very least since I was about 10 years old, I have had a crippling, anxiety attack starting, terrifying fear of my own death. I remember laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep, only to think about how one day, I was going to die. To cease to be. I would imagine how my body would wilt away and wonder what would happen to my mind. I would literally picture my skin dying and my body decaying in my grave. And I would cry for hours until I fell asleep. Then for a while, it got a little bit better. Instead of imaging myself dying, I would imagine what it would be like to live forever. But my mind got ahead of me, and I ended up thinking about how eventually the world would disappear, and there I would be, still alive and floating about the cosmos, all alone and never able to end it all. I know this may seem a little silly, but to a 10, 12, 14, or even a 16 year old, this is heavy stuff. I cannot count how many panic attacks I had late at night before falling asleep, long before I ever even knew what a panic attack was. Just thinking back on it brings tears to my eyes. At 15 I was at my deepest depression. I could list you a number of reasons why, but that part really doesn't matter. What matters is that I hit rock bottom, I wanted to die. But the cruel fact (and yet my saving grace) was that I was too TERRIFIED to end my own life! I thought that was the most twisted thing God could ever have done to me. To make me so miserable that I wanted to leave the world behind, and yet have such an overwhelming fear of dying! How sick!
After leaving high school, my spirits were somewhat lifted. I think only because there was so much going on in my life that I didn't want to miss out on. But I ended up dropping out of my first year of college, and at the end of that semester, it all came flooding back. I kept it to myself for 2 more years. When I left my boyfriend at 20, I was going on 10 straight years (at the least) of weekly, sometimes daily panic attacks over my own death. I finally saw a doctor at the advice of a friend. She prescribed me some anxiety meds, and a consult with a shrink. The pills seemed to help, but at 21 I lost my insurance coverage through the military - at 21 you become an adult and cannot use your parents healthcare. So I stopped taking the pills. And it all came back. 11 years of fear and heartache and tears and pain and frustration. And I was only 21.
The rest of this may sound like the STUPIDEST crap to you, but I'm sharing it anyway. At 22 I was already dating Justin, and he was still not understand my attacks, or what to do to help me. I didn't even know how to help me. What was I supposed to tell him to do? I had almost gotten used to it. I had settled on living with these attacks. Attacks that for 12 years had sent me into a panic, flying across the bedroom and grabbing the door frame. Rocking back and forth, hyperventilating and sobbing until I was exhausted. I had settled for that. I had accepted it.
Through out my life I'd had many conversations with friends about my fear. Each offering their own "solution" or explanation for my irrational fear. Nothing ever helped. Until one day at work, I was talking to a good friend and co-worker of mine, Jamie. He was the most matter of fact person I'd ever talked to about it. I'm going to be honest, I don't remember how the conversation started, or what route it took. But what I do remember is him saying "Have you ever heard Monty Python's "Always look on the bright side of life" ?" - Some of you that know the song may be laughing at me right now, bare with me... - I said no, and so he quickly found it online, and said "trust me, and just really listen to the lyrics" So I did. I listened to them over, and over, and over. One line kept jumping out at me...at the very end he says "What have you got to lose? You come from nothing, you go back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing!" Jamie and I talked for a while longer and he put it so simply for me, like no one else had. He never offered a complicated view of what might happen when we die. Or how I would or would not go to heaven. I didn't need a complicated view. I'd been dealing with a complicated view since I was 10! He simply said "Well, the way I look at it....you're only here once. If you spend the whole time worrying about how it'll all end, you'll miss all the good stuff in the middle" I somehow felt better after that conversation, but he said one last thing "When ever you feel like you're going to have an attack, or you get worried, just listen to that song. And think about how you want to live the life that you have control over. Not how you want to die a death that you CAN'T control."
So I do. I have the song on the computer, I have it on CD in the car, and I have it on my USB stick for at work. I've made it past a birthday since then and I've had *ONE* panic attack.
Some of you may be rolling your eyes or simply smiling and saying "oh thats nice" And it is. But the point of it all is that no matter what your fear is - and depression is always rooted in some sort of fear, no matter how abstract that may be - there *IS* an answer. It's just not always where we think it is. I can't magically lift everyone's depression. I can't cure everyone's fears. But I can show you that it happens. You just have to keep your eyes and your heart open. I hope if nothing else, I've made some of you think just a little bit. :)
If anyone wants to hear the song I have two links for you(there are a few curse words in the song, just FYI):
This is the nice version, it simply shows the words as the song plays
http://youtube.com/watch?v=i35WRFDcKGo
This is the original Monty Python version, which might offend some people, as Monty Python has no shame and sort of pokes fun at Jesus in it.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=owrbz2pIyiI
Take your pick, but whatever you do, make sure you sit back and just ENJOY!
Hugs to you all,
Katie
Love it. Loved the movie. Beautiful and silly. Thanks for reminding me.
I always say I get my politics from George Carlin and my religion from Monty Python.
The Dash
I read of a man who stood to speak
At a funeral of a friend,
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth,
And how only those that loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash
What matters is how we live and love,
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could slow down long enough
To consider what’s true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last awhile.
So when your eulogy is read
With your life’s actions to rehash,
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
This is a great way to start my day.