I need some support (bad weekend) | Arthritis Information

I need some support from people who understand. This weekend has been the hardest thing I ever had to do. My Grandmother had a stroke and heart attack. She passed away on Saturday afternoon. My daddy is an only child . I am oldest granddaughter. She only has 2 of us . She was the person I stayed with most as a child and as a adult. We talked to each other everyday 2 or 3 times a day. Right Now I want to kill my sister. She is manic depressive and uses it to her advantage for every thing. Yesterday , she had a headache and couldn't come to the funeral home to help my dad and I. She left the hospital on Friday night at 2 am and I didn't hear form her again until 4 pm Saturday afternoon. Maybe I am being petty but she has things she needs to help do. Our grandfather died 6 weeks ago and She got a headache before the visitation and funeral and couldn't go . She wouldn't call or go out and visit my Granny and I am mad as you can tell. Friday stated out bad and ended worse. My husband had to take me to the er. I couldn't move and in bad pain ( Yeah! ra flare) My ra dr was out of his office. my regular Dr. was out. Then the Friday afternoon my dr came in to his office to see me. Then we had to go to a school play for my daughter. Came home to about 8 phone calls from my dad to come to the hospital. Thank goodness for predisone and pain meds. Its about an hour and half away from my house to where they all live. I stayed at her bedside from 11 pm until about 5:30 the next afternoon when she passed away. I wasn't leaving her for any reason. Maybe that is what I don't understand about my sister. This woman was there when We took our first breath , steps falls , everything we ever did . The very least we could do was be there for her last things. I will quit now. I have gripe enough. ,,,,,

I am soooo sorry. That is so much to go through. I know what your sister is doing is hurting you, but it seems like she just can't handle the pain and turns away. She is dealing with it in her own way.

Please try to take things slow during this difficult time and accept any help from others that are offering it. It is so hard to have RA at stressful times, it always seems to get so much worst!!!

My thoughts are with you and your family!!!!

Karen

So Sorry Cheermom. Your family is going through a rough time. People do handle their grief differently. It's a good thing your dad has you to rely on. Of course you are going to flare under these stressful situations. Bummer! My thoughts and prayers are also with you and your family at this difficult time. Hang inthere!

CinDee

Dear cheermom, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Losing my grandma was extremely hard, and I was glad I was there with her too, as you were. In some families, grandparents aren't 'just' extended relations (not that that's a small thing), but they're central parts of the family and who we are. You have a hard road of feelings ahead of you, but one day the pain will ease. Your Granny was so lucky to have had you, and to have you with her.

Being in a bad way from RA at the same time -- I can't imagine how hard the whole thing must have been for you, and still is. I hope the flare eases soon.

This is way easier said than done, but if you possibly can, let your sister go, as far as needing to react to her choices. Let her actions be about her.

You have so much to deal with with your own grief, your family, your father. And of course you and I can't understand your sister's condition and how it limits her any more than she could really understand RA, so it's just really slippery to try to go there.

Is it possible you can just let her be who she is and not engage in it, not expect anything of her, just take care of you and yours?

Even though you probably have a lot of good reason to be angry with her, will hanging on to it serve you? What if staying angry with her gets in the way of you getting well, or keeps you from responding like you need to the the rest of your family? What if it fuels more pain for yourself and everyone else, when you already have so much?

You probably have a bunch of old stuff with your sister, since that's the we are in families. I know I know I know. It's not easy. But try to remember that you have no control over her and no responsibility for her, while you do have some control over how you respond yourself. Just take really good care of you right now. I'm sure that's what your Granny would want.

Good luck, and many kind sympathies.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Great post RKGal, well said. Love and hugsCheermom I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. It hurts so much to say goodby. When my father died the thing I held onto was knowing how blessed I was that he was mine. And even though you never want to say goodby, we all know that it's something each of us have to do. Knowing that a person has lived a life where they were loved and gave love throughout their life is the real secret of a successful life and what we all want

Dealing with pain and loss is something that is very personal. And we can't always understand the way someone else approaches their loss. I am sure your grandmother wouldn't want you to spend your days angry at your sister over this. Let it go, and try not to judge. Find comfort in knowing that you were there with your grandmother as she crossed over, and that you are able to be a comfort and support for your dad. You can't change your sisters behavior, and perhaps she simply cannot allow herself to be involved emotionally.

This is a time to spend filled with love and happy memories of your grandmother. Don't let anger stop the healing that comes from embracing the love your grandmother had for you and you for her. That is all that's important.

Gosh Cheermom, everything has been said so beautifully. I just want to add my prayers for the family and may you all have the strength to get thru this and go on. That is what your Grandmother would want. Grandma's are wise and I know because I am one.

Be Brave and God Bless.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Cheermom, You have every reason to feel sad and frustrated. I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful woman and you were an amazing granddaughter. What a good woman you are.

My daughter is mentally ill. It is very hard for people with mental illness to deal with stress. Many times I feel angry at what I think of as selfishness on my daughter's part but a diagnostic for many mental illnesses is self absorbed. Please try to forgive your sis. You deserved to have all the help you could get in such a trying time - I would just learn not to depend on your sis.

AGain, I am so sorry. Your grandma must have had a wonderful life to have you to be proud of.

The RA monster is evil. It always attacks when we are the most vulnerable. Take care of yourself and let others take care of you. YOU DESERVE IT

Everything has been said. I just want to had my thoughts to theirs. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to deal during these times. Of course you flared. It doesn't help when others don't step up to the plate. But like Roxy, I have a daugther with a mental illness similar to your sisters. She loves me greatly, but has a terrible time with dealing with daily life much less a crisis. She shuts down and goes inward. So, it's not about wanting to help. It's about being able to help.

That doesn't help you much though. But people with RA tend ot have strong, resilent souls even though are bodies are falling apart. Just rest when you can and take it as easy as possible. Expect to cope with additional pain and fatigue.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Deanna, what you said really struck me, about people with RA having strong, resilient souls despite their bodies. I wonder if that's one of those "gifts" (ugh) of RA. Not that it's a trade-off I'd consciously make, but it is something to take notice of. A strong, resilient soul is something really good to offer the world when our bodies don't offer much.

Cheermom- My deepest sympathies for your loss.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Gentle Hugs & Blessings

Nini

RKgal, you have to learn to live in your soul when you cannot live in your body. I keep wishing for a recurrent out of body experience. But truly, our souls are what remains. These bodies are only temporary inconveniences.

You always write perseptive things yourself. I love reading your posts.

I really want to thank all of you . I was having a bad morning. I love my Little sister but she tries my patience alot. Thank you for yor thoughts and prayers. My children are havinig a hard time with all of this. And we all know that watching your children hurt will nearly kill you. My granny was 85 nearly 86 but I still had prepared for this. I loved her more than anything in this world. The next couple of days will be hard but I will get thur this because she made me strong enough to handle things and she made my Husband promise to take of me and mind me and be good . You know of the things your granny would tell your husband to do. She was a mess sometimes. My heart will hurt for a long time. Thank you again JeannaCheermom, You will hurt deeply but you would not trade the treasured time you had with your grandmother for anything. To truly appreciate joy, we have to feel sorrow. You are a lucky woman to have had such a special grandma and you are a tough, strong, woman to makes it through these sad times. Please come here and let us share your load. With Love

Jeanna-I am so sorry to hear about your Granny. It must be especially difficult since you just lost your Grandad and that you and she were so close. I know it is hard to deal with all of that stress and to have to worry about the behavior of your sister in addition to everythingelse. When my Grandfather died, my aunt went off on my sister for no reason and was very nasty to her. We all ended up staying in a hotel for the funeral instead of at my Grandparents very large home where we had always stayed before. My sister was devestated and was upset the entire weekend over my aunts behavior. I know that it was an outburst that was caused by the emotional stress of the event...but to my sister, I dont think she will ever feel the same about my aunt. Even though she apologized. Death brings out bad behavior in even the best of people. You just have to put it behind you and not take it personally.

I hope you will find peace....you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.