Rheumatoid Arthritis - - - Is there anyone besides myself that just wants to say enough, I've had it, you win, I'm tired, I hurt and I just don't want to do it anymore? I'm taking enough medicine to choke a horse and I DON'T FEEL BETTER. I feel worse than before I started taking all of this crap. Obviously, I'm depressed. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed by the day, maybe by the hour. Just about every bone in my body hurts and I'm so damn tired. My eyes keep getting blurry, I can't sleep then I can't get enough sleep, I'm hateful and I'm scared. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything and I don't know if I'm able to crawl out of this miserable hole I've fallen into. I fantasize about going through my things, doing a farewell visit and writing goodbye letters to my loved ones. Does that make me a coward? Perhaps it does but I am so lost in this hole that I'm not sure I even care. I don't understand how all of you do it. I thought the fatigue and pain would go away if I took all of this medicine and I could have a somewhat normal life. It just doesn't seem like it's going to ever be better and I am tired, so tired. I'm angry too and everytime the people at the doctors office say "that's probably your RA" I want to tear their head off. Stop telling me that and help me find a way to feel better because I cannot live like this. My fantasies are becoming more and more frequent. I want to feel better, I'm doing every damn thing they are telling me to do and it's only getting worse. Do I want to die, of course I don't. I haven't lived enough but this is not living and honestly if this is as good as it gets then yes, I'd rather die. I know this is depressing and full of self pity but I don't know where else to let it out. So there it's out! I'm not saying any of this to bring anyone down and I'm not saying it for people to feel sorry for me or make anyone angry - - I just have to say it!
I think you should talk to you doctor and tell them everything you stated here. Yes, we all get tired of the problems and the pain but we really don't have a choice. You should get connected to a counselor right away. This website where we can share does give me a strength I didn't have before but I've never felt as low as you. In fact, I was the opposite, I was afraid I was going to die because I didn't feel like anyone was listening to what I had to say and taking me seriously when I said something wasn't right. Please call your doctor now and lay it on the line. If he/she doesn't help, get a new doctor!Can I inquire about how old you are? I was so tired and felt so bad before I started taking hormones. After starting HRT it turned my life around. Everything improved from sleep, mood, less stiffness and pain. They gave me my life back. My hormones were all but depeleted when they checked them...I mean all of them! I realize the dangers with taking them, but for the quality of life I have now I won't give them up until I have to. I was only 41 when I had to start taking them. I still have some RA pain, but nothing like before the hormones. No fatigue or brainfog at all now and little gets me down like it did before.
I have read that RA'ers tend to "lose" their hormones earlier than normal in a lot of cases. Don't know if it is true or not. In my case it was!
I hope you find some relief soon.
Less 13; I was only 32 when menopause began for me and I too am on HRT and have found that to be helpful in many ways as well.
Alpha; I'm guessing you've just been dignosed? Tell us more about you. What sort of medication are you on now? What medications have they tried before these? The right combination of medication can make all the difference in the world. You don't nessesarilly need to take a "enough medication to choke a horse" to control this disease. You just need the medication that's right for you. Help us get to know you a little better....
Welcome to the group Honey. We've all been through times like you're stating (Althought like Less said; I don't think I've ever wanted to die like I hear you saying) especially in the early years before you get your pain under control....and learn to accept the dignosis and the new life you've been given. Don't give up!! Life does get better.
Again; Welcome to the group...we're glad you're here. Please keep coming back; this forum is very helpful. It helps so much when you see that you aren't alone and so many of us feel the same way.
Lovie
Alpha, just before I was diagnosed with RA, my knees and ankles became so swollen I couldn't move out of the bed. I was less than 50 years old, and I remember thinking to myself, 'what the heck is wrong with me, and if this is how I'm going to live the rest of my life, I don't think I want to do it'.
Soon after that I was diagnosed with RA. The initial shock of being diagnosed is scary, beyond anything I've ever experienced. I remember when the doc told me I had it, and truthfully, I knew nothing about it at all. I went home with Feldene (which, btw, did absolutely nothing for me), and armed myself by reading everything I could get my hands on.
The past two years I've been on Remicade and Methotrexate. Do you know what the doctor told me at my last appointment? The appointment where I told him I was a member of Curves, I walk for miles if I want to, I can now snap my fingers again? He said he wished he could snap his fingers. He said I 'might not want to go back to bowling because the ball is a bit heavy for me to pick up'. I can certainly live with not bowling.
I have my life back. Sure, I went through a lot of the other medications available, Plaquenil, Prednisone, Arava, etc. But, we finally found something that works for me.
You need to talk to your rhematologist and tell him/her how you are feeling. Be open. It's no shame to feel lousy with RA. And, ask the doc to adjust your medications to see what will work to make you feel better. The entire object of taking meds is to figure out what will stop the progression and make you feel better.
Then, ask for a referral to a doctor you can talk to about your depression. Talking to us is all fine and good, but you need someone face to face to help you out of the funk, quickly.
My best to you, Sue
I felt the very same way until I started to get a little relief from the medications. You just need to find the right combination of meds and you will see a little light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I too had thoughts of ending it all. I had the whole thing planned in my head. But thanks to RA I couldn't get down the stairs to the garage to actually accomplish my plan. So in a way RA saved my life. Please hang in there and if your doc isn't helping you enough, find another. I did and he is a god send! So caring, he evens calls out of the blue to make sure I am doing ok. You too will find the help you need. I know you feel you are at the end of your rope, I have been there. But please tie a big knot in that rope and hang on!! Things can only and will only get better. I hope in some small way this helps you. Please take care.
Sharon
I hear you, some days i'm still there, but the guys on here really do help, and give hope, read some of the other threads, see what other people have been through to get to where they are now, i'm not saying its a cure for the depression let alone anything else, but it does help some to know you're not alone. I'm hanging on to the hope that sometime the meds will be sorted so i can lead a more 'normal' life, although quite what normal is anyhow i have no idea, and who sets what is to be deemed as normal? i know i didn't have a say in it! It is hard, but hang in there
hugs
I've been there as well. I won't go into details, but it does get better. I'm sitting here thinking way back to when I felt so depressed because my life was no longer the same, and if someone had told me that it will get better,...well...I doubt that I would have believed them. It does though, with adjustments, talking through your feelings, getting on the right combination of meds, a good doctor...all the things that the other posters have suggested.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
Kelly
Hope you are feeling a little better as the day went on.I know you have probably heard this before, and I hope it doesnt offend you: I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!
I also deal with Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, and Major Depression. There are days when I feel just like you, FRUSTAED, ANGRY, MISERABLE, AND DEPRESSED. I think all of us here can relate to what you are going thru. I think the hardest thing for me was getting to the point where I was accurately dxs, after being told for years I was just crazy and need to see a psyciatrist(I know sp). But thats another novel.
One thing I have learned is that YOU CANT DO THIS ALONE. You need and outlet where you can vent your frustrations to someone who truly understands, and this site it a great place to start
I think Ive preached enough nowI'm so glad you reached out on this
message board. It really does help to share what
you are going thru with others and know that you are
not alone. I would just echo the others comments
about telling your doctor and posibbly seek out a
counselor. I was just diagnosed with RA a few
months ago and am still learning about it. But I have
been suffering with major depression for about 6
years. Having someone to talk to really helps. I also
take zoloft and welbutrin. Makes alot of
difference. I've had a lot of major stuff going on the
past couple of years, and especially during the last
several months. There have been many times when
I felt like you mention, curled up in bed in pain
unable to do anything -and I live by myself-and
feeling that there was no hope so I might as well not
stick around. (My mom ended her life when I was
22, so to me it seemed 'normal') BUT all that said,
hang in there. You aren't alone and the right
combination of meds and possibly a short course of
an anti-depressant, WILL make a lot of difference. I
will keep you in my prayers...and I pray that tomorrow
will bring refreshment and renewed hope.
Please try to get yourself out of this state you are in. I know you have probably just thought 'yea right shut up' about me but honestly you have to try. I will try and tell you what im going through briefly to see if it makes you think at all that there are others in the same boat if not worse - though I know that doesn't help you much at moment either - but im going to try!!!!
Im 8 months pregnant with my third son and my RA came on at day one of this pregnancy - total opposite of what usually happens to ladies with RA as it usually goes into remission, BUT NOT ME!
I also have underactive thryoid which i take a high doe of thyroxine for - 200mg daily, also weekly injections for Pernicious Anemia which kill as they go into muscle, asthma and now this bloody RA on top!
sh*tty pregnancy as sick all time, been told in scan got HUGE son ready to be born in 7 weeks which im so happy about as he is looking healthy-but afraid of major flare ups during the actual labour and birth and no plan in place for me should this happen as Rhumey doesnt want to see me until 6 weeks after birth and my Obstrecian hasn't a clue what to do with me should this happen - despite numerous letters to Rheumy without any sensible answer. Im dreading it.
Been in this pain of having to be in hospital twice a week sometimes having shoulders drained without pain relief, getting crutches to help me walk as both knees and hips would flare up to the point my husband would have to literally carry me from the bed onto the toilet - which has been humiliating for me as never asked anyone to help me before with anything but got to stage that i have had to - just like you have to. I had to and still have to really really try every day as I am 32 and I have two sons age 6 + 10 who I dote on and vice versa. It is so easy to keep on with the 'pity for me' line all day every day as I have done it so many times and still do it - BUT I am so grateful at the end of the day that I am alive and I am in a position to be here with my family and positive thinking and telling myself to shut up and get on with it as there as other unfortunate mums out there with nasty things like cancer robbing them of what I class as such special times with my boys.
I had PRED given to me by my Thryoid Specialist at 6 months pregnant as he could see I was at my wits end - always always being a smart lady with an excellent job (which i had to give up Jan this year due to thie RA) always immaculately dressed, make up. hair etc to have me in his room heaped in the chair crying floods of tears, hair not good, not caring what others thought any more, fingers curled up like an 80 yr old, on crutches, limping - NOT ME AT ALL. This worked for the few weeks i was on for the pain but depression was kicking in caused by the PRED so now off it.
Not on anything again and the aches are there but I am making myself not think about it - though it is hard as it is every second of the day on your mind when in pain.
I am determined that this will not get the better of me - but took until now to get like this - though very nervous about the birth etc as I just don't know what will happen to me.
I have found this site a godsend as knew nothing about this RA before and still I have lots to learn but knowing that every day there are people here in the same boat as us and able to share their experiences good and bad is reassuring.
I truly hope that you will pick yourself up and we all understand what you are going through which does help - but doesnt take away pain i know.
Take Care,
Chelybel.
Alphaomega, Please tell me what medications you have tried or are on right now. I am very much in the minority about the more medication the better. A lot of these meds are very toxic and yes, they are supposed?? to prevent joint damage ,but I think some of the side affects are worse than the disease. Now, having said that , I've managed to be fairly well controlled on only one DMARD at a time and after 5 years I've sustained only miminal erosions over my mcp joints in both hands. Perhaps that contributes to my attitude.Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Have faith, it really does get easier to cope. With me, it hasn't necessarily gotten better, just easier to cope. I find ways to work around tasks that I can no longer do, finding a way to do them. My life isn't "normal", but I have learned to cope.
Please take care, and keep checking in. We do care, and this is a great place for support and encouragement.
Cris
Alpha,
I've been watching this post waiting for your reply. You're new to our group...but we care about you already. Hope the Paxil is helping you some.
I also hope you are seeing a RD. We'd like to know more about you when you feel up to it.
We're here for you anytime you want to talk.
Take Care;
Lovie
Hi Alpha. I have come back everyday to check to see if you posted again. My heart broke to read your first post. I can understand how you feel, not that it has gotten that bad for me but just the thought of this disease progressing scares the hell out of me. This place is a good place to get hope. Don't give up. There are so many things you can try. I think you need a new doctor. My doctor is so positive. There are so many combinations of treatments and new things coming out all the time. Do you have a support system - family or close friends? This group was great for me when I was all alone. COME BACK HERE OFTEN AND DON'T GIVE UP.We'd love to hear from you.
Lovie