I bought all these books on co-dependence, Al Anon etc. I have read these books in the past but then RA came along and my focus changed. Anyway, I am trying a new strategy with Brett. I am killing him with kindness. When he is mean, I am kind. I got criticized for not supporting Brett and that hurt me. I have always loved Brett and want to support him. This was just a tough one as I thought he would get out of rehab clean and sober. Anyway, I think this strategy is better for everyone. We never did argue hardly at all but I would do the silent treatment. Now I am just trying to create the home and family I work for. I love my kids, (yes I think of Colton as my kid) and I get lots of support from them. That gives me strength to turn my anger into kindness toward Brett. He is at an AA meeting now and tonight I have Alanon. Pray for us. Brett has always been the love of my life. It is so much easier to be kind than mean
I haven't posted to you regard Brett before. Please DON'T take anything I'm about to say as criticism.
Alcoholism is such a complex disease. Brett may or may not get better. This has NOTHING to do with you. You can't make him drink, nor can you stop his drinking. Your thoughts of silent treatment, or killing him with kindness is a waste of time. That is just added stress on you. Of course, I'm not there and don't know the whole story. I can only go by what you have posted here. I can see that you love him tremendously and you have a giving heart. I see that you are also in a lot of pain. Brett has to heal himself. There is absolutely nothing you can do for him. Yes, you can support him, but short of that, you can't fix him.
At some point, Roxy has to take care of Roxy. You will decide when you deserve to be treated a certain way and when you will settle for no less. Alcoholic or not, Brett shouldn't treat you less than what you deserve. But, remember, he treats you the way YOU let him treat you. You must stand up for yourself and your children and accept no less. Please, focus on yourself and let Brett do his own thing. He will come to the top for air, or he will circle the drain. Don't let him guilt you into thinking that you have any power over his behavior because you don't. I do believe that he has a lot of power over your behavior. That is what co-dependancy is all about.
Best of luck, I think you have a lot of knowledge, life lessons and wisdom to offer it. Don't waste your life waiting for someone to get better who clearly isn't ready to do so.
Lori
Bravo, Lori, you are right on!!!Jeanne,
Congratulation on 2 years of sobriety!!!! That is an amazing accomplishment. You should be very proud of yourself. You speak with experience and don't pass judgements. Thank you for your thoughts. I wish Roxy the strength and courage she needs!
Lori
Thanks you guys. I think being kind is an easier way for me to go. I really don't like being cold and angry. It just stresses me more. The time will come that either Brett will quit drinking or we will have to quit being together. I guess I will know it when I am ready. I bought a bunch of books on alcoholism. I have read them before for alcoholics but not for living with an alcoholic. I am just going to wait and see and look forward to going to his rehab meeting Monday. Alcoholism and RA don't go together well
Congratulations on your 2 years Jeanne. I always have so much respect for people who quit when I go to AA meetings. They are inspiring.
Ms. Roxy,
I am fairly new to this forum and have read quite a bit of you and yours relationship. Of course with every story there is at least one more story. I have heard only your story(ies). It would be much better (I think) if we could hear from Brett.
I have noticed that to the forum you are threatening to leave him. I am sure that you are threatening him also. Maqybe you should split the sheets. Do you already have another male that is just a "good friend"?
Quit calling him names. Don't call him an alchoholic. Groups like to call members names and to make them feel like losers if they fall down. It is there way of keeping them a member for life. They make their members dependant on the group for life. Do you make him feel small? Nobody likes to be titled bad. The only good alchoholic is a recovering alchoholic, right? Just a suggestion, don't call some-one you love bad names. When you bring him a drink, also bring him a glass of ice water.
Certainly there is so much that you could tell us, but for your own reasons you prefer not to. Reading between the lines it seems as though you may be looking for approval to leave Brett, telling us constantly how bad he is. Oh, to be a fly on the wall. If you are looking for a way out, try the front door. Every-one will probably be happier, even Brett.
I certainly do not write this to be mean but I write this after reading what you have written and giving good thought to what you write. Feel free to allow Brett to give us his side of the story, I am sure that alot of us would like to meet him here in our RA forum.
Roxy, I don't know what to say exactly. You cannot change the other person only how you react to them. Here's how I decide in situation like this. What do is what I feel is the right thing for me to do no matter what the other person is doing. I have used this over and over again in dealing with my ex-husband, a very volatile man. Over the the years, doing what I thought was right regardless of how he acted has improved the situation considerably. We will never have a relationship again as the trust has been demolished. But we can sit in the same room, have a conversation and do what is good for the kids.
But this did not mean I was always nice to him. Often, I had to bring hard consequences to bear such as restraining orders and lawyers. At times, I had to keep my mouth shut and others, I had to really state the facts. After he learned that he could not do whatever he wanted, he stopped the negative behavior and acts mostly decent around me now. I know that he has learned to respect me. Sometimes, he even admires me. Now, that's a miracle.
Do learn all you can. Gather all the best advice. But this is Brett's problem for which you cannot have the solution. You can love someone immensely and still have to make hard decisions about everyone's welfare.
Congrats Jeanne on the sobriety! Way to go!
Roxy...glad to see you guys going to meetings. It will be good for all of you. Please always remember you have my email and number if you need to talk.
Dear Larry, I would never share with Brett what I share here. I am the peacemaker in the house. I share here as I have gotten accustomed to sharing all of my trials and tribulations since I got RA here.
It would be hard to have another "male" when it has been months since I drove more than 2 blocks. I treat Brett well Whether he is drinking or not - I do not get the same in return. So I come here and write my frustrations because it does no good to try to communicate with him when he is drinking.
I took a nap tonight and I was supposed to go to a meeting with Brett tonight. I got up and got ready. He has not come home. I was looking forward to that meeting so I could support him. I don't even know if HE went. I will try to minimalize my Brett stories as he has no interest whatsoever in this board. Brett refers to HIMSELF as an alcoholic . I don't think of it as a "bad name" it is what it is - just like I have RA. Yes, I DO like it better when he is a recovering alcoholic. His son has given up on Brett. I have not.
If you look back at my posts you will see I have constantly bragged about how good Brett is and how much I love him. You see, he is consistently a wonderful man when he is sober, that is why this whole thing tears me up. I love him with all my heart.
Roxy
You dont know me....I am fairly new here...not to RA but new to this whole message board thing......I have really appreciated being part of this forum like I said I dont post much....I am kinda afraid .
I have followed your posts....and being a co dependant really sucks. I lived as a co dependant almost all my life.....my mom was a nurse and she was so much into prescription drugs and caused me so much pain.....she passed on a couple of years ago at 89..still stuck in her dependency.......and I never ever felt she loved me....so I spent almost all of my 58 yrs being the one who did all the giving and blaming myself for her inability to get her life together. On the surface I can say that....but it is still hard for me not to feel the pain some of which I caused because I am a caretaker.
Like I said I am new here and dont want to be a preacher but this is what I know.....that stress like this is deadly to RA.....and if you dont take care of you no one will.......and you cant spend the time God has given you trying to fix Brett....if only I do this he wont drink or if only I do that he wont drink. Bretts addiction is the driving force in his life...not you or his son....untill he fixes that you are only hurting yourself physically and mentally trying to fix......work on yourself honey because you are all you have when you are in a codependant situation...take one day at a time and take it for you....then your children....and let Brett do what he must.
I am sorry if I offend you.......I have been a co-dependant all my life in fact I am now married to a man who was an alcoholic and has been sober for 14 years....and I wasnt married to him then but I do know this if he ever ever takes a drink ( which I know in my heart he wont)
I will be outta there.....and so does he....
Let Brett take responsibility for his sobriety honey because he is the only one that can.
roxy, you've mentioned reading lots of books about alcoholism. Have you ever read Drinking, A Love Story, by Caroline Knapp? It's her autobiography of her years as an alcoholic, and how she came to see her need for recovery. It's a wonderful look into the way an alcoholic thinks and reasons, and why he carries on this love affair with alcohol. It's also cleverly written (Knapp is a journalist) and an entertaining read.
I don't think there's anything that makes you feel as powerless as watching someone you love waste away in addiction. I know, because my sister is an alcoholic too. You have my smpathy, and also my admiration. I can see that as you sort through how to deal with all this, your ultimate goal is a balanced and healthy life. I know you'll get there, whatever that looks like for your family.
You guys -the whole story is Brett was a recovering alcoholic when I married him. I thought he had it beat. I had no idea how fragile alcoholics are. I love this man but I fell in love with him sober. I just don't have it in me to just walk out on him when he has not given up on his sobriety. He has been nicer the last two days and went to outpatient rehab last night. Next week, our whole family is going. Much to the kid's chagrine
Gramma, don't be afraid to post here. These are wonderful people on this board. Most of them are supportive. I hope I see more posts from you. NO - you didn't offend me. Codependents should stick together. I guess I was a closet codependent because RA put the dependent in my life. I would love to see a post from you telling us how you are doing.
Some people may think it is inappropriate my writing about my husband's alcoholism on a RA forum. For me it is very appropriate because my RA definitely effects how I handle Brett's disease.
One day at a time. Yesterday and the day before were good ones. I was upset that Brett went to his rehab without me. He said he decided to "let me sleep" but I very much want to be part of his recovery and if he does not recover- I want to do my best for this family. We have a wonderful family full of hugs, kisses, laughter and support. I hope Brett will find enough strength from that to stay sober.
As far as the person who insinuated I stayed with Brett for his money, I made almost double the money Brett made throughout our marriage - we have both contributed to our lifestyle.
Lori, being kind is better for my health and for the kids. Anger eats you up. I am not saying it is going to cure Brett but it does make the household easier to support each other. I just had a lot of anger when he did not come out of rehab sober and I was in so much pain when he was in rehab. I am now more under control because of better pain meds.
Brett and I are so compatible. I believe that in my heart, if I would not have gotten RA, Brett would not have started drinking again. This is not to say that he still is the one who has to get sober and I know I can't do it for him - but we have many reasons we are still together and the aggressiveness of my RA has taken a toll on the entire family. Roxy,
It is not inappropriate at all for you to post about Brett here. RA
is a big part in most of our lives, and it affects us and those
around us greatly. It also changes how we deal with things that
happen around us. RA is intertwined into everything for a lot of
us, so it wouldn't be fair to tell you to separate the RA parts of
your life from the non-RA parts! Besides, by posting here you
got many good suggestions for books that may be helpful to
you. You've offered a lot of help and advice to many people on
here, so don't be afraid to get help yourself. Good to hear you
sounding more upbeat, Rox!
Roxy,
I love your last post. You sound wonderful and sounds like your life is going in the direction you want it to. I am a co-dependant also and must work everyday to stay on "my" side of the fence.
I wholeheartedly agree that anger eats you up. I only asked that you look out for you. It sounds like you are doing that, for that I am glad.
You made a valid point that RA has affected your entire family. Just remember, that alcoholism does too. I'm glad that the family is committed to going to therapy and sounds like you are on the right track.
Take care, Lori Roxy, First of all, this is your outlet. You NEED to talk about what's on your mind. We all need each other here because, let's face it, alot of us have families that do not understand how RA affects us. What I have gotten the most from your posts about Brett, is how much you love him. I understand how hard it is to live with an alcoholic because I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. It can be pure hell. I spent my first 19 years with a father who drank every night of his life, and he was a MEAN drunk. I married young mostly so I could get out of the house. I'm still affected by those years with him. I would not presume to know what's best for you to do. Only you know. Just know that we're here for you and you can vent WHENEVER you need to. I'm pulling for you
I agree. Keeping in mind that this forum may be searched via google or other engines, last names and other identifiable info should be omitted.
I'm flaring like crazy right now so I can only manage short posts.
He is an alcoholic in denial and completely presimistic, and I am very co-dependent. Things got so bad and I was so, so depressed that I told him I needed him to quit drinking and to go to a counselor with me. long story short he said no, which is why we are no longer together. I think it is so great that Brett is aware of his situation and is willing to continue rehab, and also that you are going to al-anon. Kind of funny because at one time I went to al-anon for a while and started to implement some of the things I was learning, but Scott's anger got really bad when I did that, so I quit You sound so much more together and grounded than I did and I really believe that you guys will all continue down the path of being a close loving family. I wanted to also say that I really understand how it feels to have to deal with the days of anger. Bless you all and thank you for being such a great inspiration to all. Let's really try to talk on the phone sometime soon....I lost your number though. :- ) Blessings, Tara
Welcome to the board!! Thank you so much for giving Abby to Roxy. Roxy truly loves her and takes good care of her. Abby loves Tyler too!! What a wonderful gift you made to Roxy!! Look forward to hearing more from you! Hey Lynn, It is great to see you. Trust me, I am not ignoring any advice - let's just say I am processing it. We just moved here - I have a big family - Abby included. I am taking care of myself and will be going to meetings starting Monday. I want to make an informed decision. Brett has let up on me since he came home. He is drinking less even though I thought he would not be drinking at all
Yep, your right. I get great support here and you will too. It is a great place to get things off your mind and get lots of intelligent feedback. Right now - I am just so happy to have the kids - praying Kelsey stays stable - she went to the shrink yesterday and he said "This is stable??????????" Yep, it is the best she has ever been. Colton is so good with her. He likes his school. A lot of good things are happening. I am just taking care of myself and praying Brett will take care of himself. I am so glad you are posting. Brain fog. Sometimes I read my posts and think "I posted that?" but you know I keep coming back. Abby and Tyler sleep together every night and last night, my cat sat on Abby's back and Abby cleaned her. So don't you worry, my home sounds dysfunctional but Abby loves it
Call me sometime and thank you so much for Abby. She is PURE LOVE and of course I am her favorite. Probably because she loved you so much.
PS I know the house thing. I scooted on a stool the other day to vacuum the livingroom. Every animal in the house has had diarrhea
Abby and Tyler have found some real good trash full of maggots when they make a run for it out the front door. I have had to chase them down three times - when I was flaring
When I get my SSDI, I will get a housekeeper
PS What would I do without my prozac ???? I am lucky with the kids. Neither are slobs and they help me out a lot. Great kids even though Kelsey is 25, she has the maturity of a 14 year old. Colton at 16 is like her big brother
My father left my mother because he couldn't handle it anymore I didn't talk to my fahter for a year after, because I felt he was abandoning us. To this day I regret my actions towards my dad, my mother's alcoholism was like poison to the family because we were constantly walking on eggshells worried as to what was going to happen next. It got so bad she was put in a mental ward until she could sober up. I had to sign the papers, as the family representative, to commit her. She did not talk to me for well over a year and she would not acknowledge my daughter. I made up my mind then and there I have my own life to live, I have a daughter and a husband who needed me, I informed my mother, once she was talking to me again, that my daughter will not come to her house, that if she wanted to see my daughter she will come to my house and she will be sober. Al-Anon for families was a big help for my family it made us realise that she was using us as excuses to drink and that we were allowing it and it was time to tell her NO MORE!!! It is not easy but we have learned not to allow her to use us as her excuses to drink that it is time to stop and get the help she need.. I could go and on Roxy, but I know it is a very hard choice to make, but if you keep thinking things are going to change on their own it is not going to happen, you must be ready to. Like the saying goes a person must hit rock bottom before they are willing to see there is a problem but rock bottom may be far away yet for Brett, don't let him pull you down there too, hon. I am saying this because I care and I don't want to see you get hurt. xoxoxoxox meme ((((((((Roxy))))))))))))))) I have faith. I have assets The most important thing to me is my kids. pets, and our home. I will sacrifice whatever it takes to take care of those things. The good news is I am honest, sadly I honestly cannot work and my kids are behind me. All we can do is the best we can. I know down the road, I will have to deal with the fact that I fell in love with and that love has grown, for a man who doesn't seem to care
the I know all story's are different but my x-boyfriend's whole family are alocolics (we were togeather for 4 years, and i was considered family). and one thing that i have gotten out of being around people with drinking problems, its up to them to stop drinking and no matter what you do or say its not going to make a difference unless it comes from him. you also have to keep in mind....he will always have alochol problems no matter if hes been sober for 10 days or 30 years. the one thing that i think would be bennificial is explain to him how much you love him, and how you want to help or do what you can to be there for him because after being sober for so long and then starting to drink again i can imagine that he feels guilty or bad or confused or some emotion that i might be leaving out. I'm sorry your going through this and i hope that things will get better soon. and i know you love him, i've read the posts and its obvious, i don't think that your love for him was ever in question. if theres anything i can do please let me know, both my parents work in the mentle health feild (and my mother with chemicaly addicted adults) and if theres a service or anything you think you need, just let me know. i might be able to recomend some good books or websites or what ever it might be that you feel would give you better insite and a better handle on the situation just say the word.
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