“Weep”
by Deanna Lenard
I want to weep down like a saddened rain.
Leave me crumbling to the earth.
Passion drains out like murdered blood.
Agony is my name.
Pain is an unrelenting joke,
A child’s cruel prank gone amiss.
How far can one’s body go
In cries of anguish?
At what depths does pain curl around me,
Weighting me to the deep ocean of despair?
It filters through my tissues
And presses hard upon my bones.
It feels like death’s tight hold.
He shakes me with a vengeance.
I scream the silent sound
And no one saves me.
This is the soul of pain.
Deanna, wow.... no words.
((((((((HUGS!))))))))
Thanks Jodi.
Is this how others feel?
Leaves me speechless and sad Deanna. You need to be hugged! Well, I do feel better today. But last night was awful.OK...maybe I'm weird...but I think it's beautiful...dark, but beautiful in its elegant imagery. We all have seasons in our lives, some light, some dark...it's what being human is all about. I know this is a dark time for you but winter passes then spring comes...an allegory for our soul. It brought to mind a poem from Keats. The last two lines describe where you are now; but, other seasons will come. Hmm...would be nice to "forego our mortal nature", but I guess that's not going to happen.
Hang in there,
Alan
The Human Seasons
by John Keats
FOUR Seasons fill the measure of the year;
There are four seasons in the mind of man:
He has his lusty Spring, when fancy clear
Takes in all beauty with an easy span:
He has his Summer, when luxuriously
Spring’s honey’d cud of youthful thought he loves
To ruminate, and by such dreaming high
Is nearest unto heaven: quiet coves
His soul has in its Autumn, when his wings
He furleth close; contented so to look
On mists in idleness - to let fair things
Pass by unheeded as a threshold brook.
He has his Winter too of pale misfeature,
Or else he would forego his mortal nature.
Deanna,
Yes, I can relate. I've been in a major depression since before Christmas largely due to pain. I feel useless. Like there is no place for me in this world. The pain is unrelenting. Even though I'm taking Humira (2 injections so far) and sulfasalazine there is no hope in sight. I've suffered from depression over the years but I haven't sunk this low in a long, long time. A couple of times in my life I almost convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but those times passed, I thought, for good. Now I'm here again in this dark hole.
I only can write this here because no one knows me. There is no one to talk to. I believe in my heart these feelings will pass but when I think about what's ahead for me , my husband wanting me to go back to work, all the things I can't do anymore, the constant fatigue and so many family issues, I get so bogged down that it seems there is no way out of the dark hole.
I said all that to say yes, I understand the poem. Hang in there.
miles2go,
It is so hard. I do get so tired of fighting everything. You must call someone for help with this depression especially when you are getting opposition instead of support from your husband.
Don't go back to work. Hold your ground on that. But do call a crisis number, your doctor or a social service to get you some help with the depression. I know that I am so obviously depressed, but I cannot seem to get anyone to pay attention to the fact. Supposedly, within a couple of weeks they are going to have an agency get in touch with me. I think sometimes they don't acknowledge my depression because they still see the fight in me. But I'm sitting there crying and still they do nothing. I don't want to start on antidepressants because I'm on so many medications and I've always had bad reactions to them. On the other hand, antidepressants can really help with pain control. So, under the right circumstances, I would be willing to try them again.
Lots of people with RA find great relief from them, both emotionally and physically. It is very important that your doctor addresses your pain. If your RA is not under control, your depression and pain are not going to be under control either. Even if your RA is under control, you can still have lots of pain. You have the right to pain relief.
Thank you for writing encouragement to me. Keep trying to get what you need. It's really hard if the person you love doesn't understand how bad it is for you. A good counselor could help that situation and maybe taking him with you to your doctor if your doctor will be supportive.