Well I am just so very done, heartbroken beyond belief and to the point where my only explanation to life at this point is if you are kind and nice, all people do is take advantage and stomp on your very soul.
I give up.
SO here it is:
Today I pick my daughter up from school and she asked if I was doing anything this afternoon and I asked her why, what does she want to do. She said she wanted to stop by her bfriends to pick up her deodorant then go to tan then stop by home to get her work clothes and go to work. I told her that I had deodorant , she replied no, she didn't want to use deodorant with chemicals in it that causes cancer. I then told her, hey if you just wanna go to bfriends then go but do not lie about it and she said she meant it. SO the argument begins.
I didn;t feel well today and told her why don;t we just go home, you can take the car and do whatever and take it to work. Nope, she doesn;t want to drive. I told her that I didn;t either, I was so tired an dnot into teen run around let's just buy deodorant...no can do she says.
Wellto make a more lengthy argument shorter........I was driving and she insited that I take her to her bfriends to get the darned deodorant and I told her no, we will buy some, she throws an all out fit , I spank her, she throws another fit ( yeah I know at 18 I really just wanted to smack her across the face that is for sure)and threatens to get out of the car and walk ( she has done this before and I was sure not in the mood for the temper tantrum today). She winds up getting out of the car and beginning to walk stating that I don't get it she will never get back into the car cause I am not nice to her and that I hit her...so now this slap spank has turned into abuse in her eyes.
I drive next to her on the busy road while she walks screaming at me t o go to hell and a police officer drives by, I wave at them in an effort to gain help. A few mintes later after several cars have honked and drove by a police car pulls up behind me and I begin to wave my arm for them to stop,. Thanfully they did.
My daughter begins to run towards the police car crying stating I was hitting her................my heart just dropped.
All in all the police officers understood my position and told her to be quiet on a few occassions and told me that since she is 18 she could walk anywhere she wanted to but in my vehicle or in my home she must follow my rules and if she refuses to I can evict her.
This crap does not happen to people like me...well wait a minute, my son did a similar thing. ALl I can think of is that somehow I raised my kids wrong,. I placed them before me, I scheduled my academic career around them and their needs, did without so many things and all I get is alone and a visit with the police...no thankyou says the mom, I quit. Did I mention I actually adopted these horrible children when they were infants??
I am heartbroken at this point, to think that she would exxaggerate to the point of stating I abused her because she wanted a certain deodorant and to go tanning is absolutely not normal by any stretch of the imagination.
I am assumming at this point she has told everyone that I beat her and that she is moving out. How much more embarassment must I endure through my children's actions? Of course I had to call the x hubby, he blamed me....figured he would. I give up and I am done raising children. Done. I hope she graduates and makes something of herself and does not get involved with drugs and bad people.
I am tired and going to bed...alone because I am too nice and always placed my kids before me. Please learn from my mistakes.
jode
Jode, I don't have any words of wisdom to give you except that she's going to grow up someday and hopefully have a daughter just like her, and maybe then she'll remember how she treated you and how much you really did for her.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope it gets better for you.
Jode you did not do anything wrong. You did what any caring mother would do by putting their children first in their lives.
The police officers are right. It is your home, your rules, your way. If the kids don't like it, they can pack up their bags and get out while they still know it all.
What you experienced is 18 year old behavior. At some point, even the best of children can act ungrateful. Because she wasn't getting her way from you, she threw a 2 year old temper tantrum. If she wants to go around and tell people that you abused her then let her. People that really know you will know that she is full of crap. Who you are will stand for itself. It is obvious that the police did not believe that you abused her and it will be obvious to everyone else also.
Unfortunately as parents we can only do our best (and I have the feeling you did a damn good job) and pray for the rest.
As far as your ex husband goes...well he is an EX for a reason. I would take him blaming you with a grain of salt. Consider the source on this one.
This will eventually blow over. She will come back to Momma with her tail between her legs and her head hanging low. However, it is up to you to figure out for yourself what behavior you will tolerate out of her and when you need to put your foot down and stick to it. There was nothing wrong with what you did today. It is her problem if she is that selfish and didn't take any of your perfectly good suggestions or drive herself. I just don't understand what 18 year old wouldn't want the car and drive her own body around lol. Teens are so weird sometimes.
Is there something at about the boyfriend or his house that she wanted you to walk in and object to? Sometimes kids don't know how to ask you for help and they do this weird stuff.
Other times they are just weird. I remember that I was having a problem with this guy that was renting a room from my parents when I was in college. He kept leaving crazy and I do mean crazy notes under my bedroom door. I was afraid to tell them because they really needed his rent money. Then my mom accidentally found one of the notes. That's what makes me think about this. It's what popped into my head. I don't know that it is relevant.
But I think grammakittles advice is excellent.
I dunno...I just don't understand the "spank/slap". I have a 23 year old daughter and I was just imagining the situation that was described, happening between me and my daughter. I just couldn't even imagine slapping my daughter. Let her take a fit...let her walk home...let her kick and scream...so what.
And to call your children "horrible"...well...I dunno....just seems like a lot of anger going on.
Jode-
I have been in your situation, and know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I got pregnant at 18 to a guy I knew for 4 months, and like an idiot, married him. He was physically and verbally abusive, but after 10 years and many attempts to leave, I finally did. Very bitter divorce (I only asked for, and got, custody of the kids, my own personal belongings and ,500.00. Oh and a car that didn't run. But at least I was out.) Things were ok for a year until I met my now husband. He hated the fact that Steve was good to the girls and provided more for them than he did. We battled for years in court over unpaid child support, until I told him to keep his money. He used the kids against me any chance he got, and our youngest, Lindsay, feel for all of his crap. Living with her was like torture. She was always miserable, would follow the house rules, and totally disrepectful to Steve and I. One day I'm having coffee with my mother in law and Child Protective is knocking at the door. She reported me because I slapped her face for telling me to "F&*# Off". I told the woman that I did do it, and if she spoke to me that way again, I would slap her again! I had to kick her out of our house at 16. My oldest was never home because she couldn't stand being there, but the clincher was my poor husband. He became physically ill because of all this. He lost about 30 pounds, and at the worst point had stools that were pure blood. She went to her Dad's, and a week later I'm served with papers from Family Court that she's suing me for child support. Judge completely sided with me, and she was so pissed off at me she had herself emmancipated from me that day. We didn't speak for a long time, until she needed good old Mom again. When I refused to help her, she was floored. I explained that by her actions, she didn't consider herself my daughter and I was no longer obligated to, nor did I want to help her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but for all of our sakes I had to. She is 24 now and our relationship now is pretty good.
I know how it feels to have a child treat you like that, and how much it hurts. I hated all of the time apart from her and always worried about her. She and her sister are very close, so I always knew where she was and what she was doing. Its been a long, slow road back, but when your daughter finally "grows up", she'll realize that her mother is the ONLY person who she can truly count on. If you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent to, please let me know. Anytime.
Donna
jode - one thing to remember is that this was a moment in time. It's not how your relationship has been every day. Don't judge all of it by a terrible moment. I've had a few of those with my daughter. Fortunately, very few. I just tell myself - she's 14 - she's 15 - she's 16. Until kids are around 25, every need is immediate and vitally important. Got to have it NOW. They'll explode if they don't. And they don't really have any sense of anyone but themselves.
I dunno...I just don't understand the "spank/slap". I have a 23 year old daughter and I was just imagining the situation that was described, happening between me and my daughter. I just couldn't even imagine slapping my daughter. Let her take a fit...let her walk home...let her kick and scream...so what.
And to call your children "horrible"...well...I dunno....just seems like a lot of anger going on.[/QUOTE]
I'm in complete agreement with you. Those were my thoughts also. Sounds unfortunately like a very dysfunctional situation all around.
I can't imagine ever, under any circumstances, hitting one of my kids. Nor calling them "horrible."
Thankyou all so much, it has been a full day.
You ask why I would slap my daughter at age 18? Interesting question, but I will indulge you. First she threatens me because I woudl not take her to her bfriend's house for the deodorant, says she will move out and kept repeating to me asking me if I wanted her to move out...well no I said. After about 5 minutes of pure arguing and screaming from her ( in the car mind you) about such a mundane topic and her kicking in the car and undoing her seatbelt and opening the door while I drove in heavy traffic I grabbed her sweatshirt to pull her back inside ( a true safety issue) then she smarted off to me again so I spanked her leg...2 times not once.
KELSTEV: If you want to judge me on how I raise and have raised my daughter for the past 18 years all by myself because dear old dad was out sleeping with the mayor's wife and the bingo babe, then fine, by all means judge me. Anger? perhaps your version of anger is on a different continuum than mine, I call it discipline. If she is going to act like a child then she will be treated as such. This morning she didn;t want to take her Wellutrin cause we were about 3 minutes away from the house when she remembered it. I told her I would turn the car around and she could get it and she told me , don't turn around if you are not going to go inside to get it for me cause I don;t feel like doing it, and besides you were the one that put it back in the bathroom, not me so you should go in the house to get it and bring it to me.I asked her again if she wanted me to turn the car around to get her meds, she refused.
I have no idea why she doesn't want to drive, probably cause she likes to be catered to lately.......probably just like she just wants a specific deodorant and wanted to go tanning and have me drive. I do not know who she is anymore...but I am beginning to think her bfriend is coaching her. He is over 20 and still lives at home and runs their household, so I dunno.
Anger? ME? I joke a big game but all I typically do is get walked on, taken advantage of,and used. I was the one who ran to Indiana in the middle of the night when she was raped and her father would not believe her or do anything about it. I am the one that spent all the money on anything she wanted, all her dance lessons, gave her my own car then she totalled it within 6 months, bought her another car and it fell apart. I was the one that took her to the counselors, and the Pediatrician when she was ill,I took care of her and stood by her when she attempted suicide, when she had the never ending sinus problems then allergies, then asthma and all that goes with that.......I was the one who waited 8 long years for another child to adopt and gave her all I could.
If I am guilty of any diservice to this child it would solely be that I was a great mom and indulged her too much. I am so glad that many of you on here can recognize that fact and for that I am truly thankful and appreciative.
Anger issues? Unbelievable I tell you that anyone would even suggest that to me...I have been on AI for over 5 years on and off and NEVER have I been judged! SO tell me, what would you do if the police had to settle an argument of an 18 year old stomping her foot wanted a totally ridiculous thing that I was more than will to do but was very ill and tired today. Yes the police saw through her manipulating. I am just so heartbroken that my daughter acted that way and made those accusations...............hopefully she will continue school, I have not heard from her. She decided to walk in the freezing mist today to her bfriend's house. Just like her brother, she has to make it look as though she suffered terribly.
I am not too fond of the bfriend at this point cause when she refused to drive, I knew something was up.....when she stated to the police and I, "I try not to drive anymore than I have to" are her exact words, I have heard him say that countless times cause her refuses to bring her home at night because 6 miles is just too far to drive...no reason to come here, call your mom to come get you.
He is not afraid of the police I do know that. Hopefully she will continue H.S., she has made it this far ,Hopefully she will be ok.
I ran into all this similar prob when I did my internship in counseling at the county jail. The difference now is that of course.....I have learned those parents' pain, at least the ones who cared. It is not a good feeling.
If she would have had a car, none of this would have happened.
jode
Jode, I remember when Kelsey started lashing out in junior high. Turned out it was the beginning of her mental illness and I regret our fights so much. Be the bigger person and let her walk if she doesn't appreciate you. Hopefully someday you will be blessed and she will realize she was rotten to her mom. Sorry you had such a lousy day.
So, spanking a kid on the thigh is child abuse? Then what was it called when my mom use to whip me with a wire clothes hanger? Or when my mom would pop me in the face for backtalking her?
No, my mom never had any anger issues. She was just old school. Spare the rod, spoil the child.
I do not see my mom whipping me with a wire clothes hanger or popping me in the face for backtalking as abuse. I know she done all of it for a very valid reason and because she loves me.
I never got a whipping for no reason. I was and am still a well behaved person. I respect my elders, I do not backtalk anyone older than I by more than a year old. I do what I am told by my elders.
I was taught to respect my elders. I was taught to speak when spoken to. I was taught you do what someone older than you tells you to do if you do not feel it is wrong or will get you into trouble. I was taught a lot of things that my husband was never taught and he is the same age as me. But his parents on the other hand, were a lot younger than my mother. My mother was in her 50's while raising me and hubby's parents were in their early 30's.
I say you did not do anything wrong, Jode. Heck my mom has slapped one of my sisters in the face for backtalking her, and she was in her 20's and had 2 kids and a husband! No one elses fault, but my sisters for that. She is the only one of my siblings that has been disiplined by my mommy while in adulthood.
P.S. I got whipping with the hanger because I ran from her and she chased me all over the house and outside and she finally caught me when I hid under my bed, which the hanger was on my bed. I ran from her because I did not want a spanking with her hand for something I did not do. Which my sister told her I done and mind you my sister was in her 20's and I was 7. My sister use to like to get me into trouble because she was jealous of me because I took over being the baby from her when I was born.
Parenting is a bit like R.A. Things flare up out of nowhere and we try so many remedies to find a solution to the pain. Unfortunetly no one wrote a book on the rules of being a parent or the rules of being a teenager. I agree with lorster that in years to come your daughter will admit how horrible she was as stages in her life.I have an 18 year old daughter who has just started work and goes out with all her friends quite often, shes a good girl who doesnt give me many worries but thinks that she lives in a hotel ( washing, ironing, meals all done for her)but i put my foot down when it comes to her room, its a nightmare, clothes, make up, shoes, everywhere. I wont touch it.Even though she understands about my R.A. she still likes to stamp her foot on occasion if I cant run her places. Its difficult for an 18 year old daughter to have a sick mother as its a time of her life when we should be shopping together and having girlie moments.Thanfully she is taking her drivers licience soon so she can drive me instead.
Jode, I totally support you! My daughter is just entering her teen years and definately knows how to "bait" me. I try not to fall for it but you know what? We are all human and we can only take so much. We are not superhuman. Sometimes, in order for our children to see how ridiculous their demands are, we should let them have their way --- as long as it doesn't affect us. What I'm saying is, if she wants to pout and act that way, let her go w/o her meds, let her walk in the cold mist 6 miles for a deodorant. Ha you should have said "Intersting that you don't want a deodorant that may cause cancer but you WILL go tanning which causes cancer!".She called me from work last night around midnight, of course I finally fell asleep from exhaustion from all the crying and emotional upset. I took my time getting dresses then went to get her. Not much was said. I asked her if she was going to school and she said yes but when my alarm went off I never saw her and since she is 18 and knows it all I did not go downstairs to wake her up. I am not going to provide that service any longer. Oh believe me she thinks this is "hotel for her only" she demands I make her certain dinners even if I have to run into town to get the stuff, all her laundry must be done for her because "she doesn't have time" and of course I do have the time shestates and it is my job. So as you might have guessed it, I have quit my maid job for her, the pay is bad and there is no appreciation.
I think many of you may be correct in that something must be going on with her. Why would she want a deodorant that does not cause cancer yet will go to a tanning bed? Good point, in all the emotion I did not pick up on that. SHe was just manipulating and baiting me.
Societal rules are now such that a child can sue their parent for slapping them. Many of us believe in discipline but you have to do it without touching them. THis has bred manipulation. The kids are getting smarter and with all these shows on dealing with such issues, not all the messages are in the parents favor. SO we deal with it.
Oh she will continue to slam doors and blame me for all that is wrong in her world. As for me, for her to run to the police car accussing me of abusing her is a bit too much, even for even tempered me.She ultimately got her way of walking to her bfriends' house, she got her doedorant, did not go tan though. I guess her bfriend did not want to take her. This is why I say, this would never have happened if she had a car.
I learned I was not responsible for her actions and cannot be sued for leaving her at the side of the road and accussed of abandonment.Free intevention. Oh and how I needed an intervention at the time.
I was raised to respect all people as many of you have stated. 18 year old and 20 year olds talk back and why they do this I have no idea. It would be so much simpler for them to gather their money and move on. Liek I stated before, I do realize that in the teen years a young adults' brain and nervous system grows at the same rate or nearly at the same rate as an infant through age 3 I believe it is ...so they can be immature one moment and bossy the next. I think that is when you have had to lay a really solid foundation of discipline and manners/behaviors all before this time to be able to achieveyour ultimate goal of raising your child...functionally. I really thought I had accomplished that but I guess not.
Again, thanks to all of you for being there supporting me. All of your input helps me to sort this out so I know how to handle the situations that arise. It was so much easier when I was naive! lol
jode
I certainly understand the frustrations of having what seems to be an Ungrateful, Lazy teenager. I have a 17 year old son; and although my problems with him seem small compaired to yours; it's certainly a challange.
For so long I've enjoyed catering to him. Spoiling him rotten and doing everything for him but here lately I have stopped completely. He needs to see first hand and for once in his life finally say to himself "I know know exactly how much Momma did for me" I still adore him and baby him far more than my husband thinks is healthy; but I'm stopping making life too easy for him. That's not helping him learn to be an adult and I guess as a parent it's our job to teach our children to learn to manage life on their own. It's our job to help them learn to be productive responsible adults. It's only taken a short time for my son to learn to run the washing machine. That started when he said to me one day in a real smart ass way "If you feel up to it I'm really in need of some clean clothes" I said I'll show you once how to run the machine and you can do your own laundry from now on because frankly no, I don't feel up to it. AND WATCH YOUR SMART ASS MOUTH!! I correct him EVERYTIME he speaks to me in a disrespectful manner. I can not stand that!
Trust me; I understand where you're at but you like me are going to have to learn to let go a little. What will happen if you don't do as your daughter says? Nothing. She will pitch a fit; but so what. Lock yourself in your room and ignore her. Just do what you have to and let her realize that you are not going to do for her when she does nothing to deserve it. Don't let her tell you what to do. She is the child and you are the parent. If she hates it so much let her go live with her father. It won't take long for her to realize exactly how good she had it at your house.
Good Luck Sweetie....and don't ever tell yourself your not a good parent. You are. Hang in there.
"SO tell me, what would you do if the police had to settle an argument of an 18 year old stomping her foot wanted a totally ridiculous thing that I was more than will to do but was very ill and tired today. Yes the police saw through her manipulating. I am just so heartbroken that my daughter acted that way and made those accusations........."
What would I do? I'd let her tell her story...then I'd tell mine. Very simple. Would I have hit her prior to this?? NO
I never said what you did was abuse. I only stated that it seemed like there was a lot of anger going on. Maybe that's what needs to be addressed.
What I'm wondering is what does anyone hope to achieve when hitting an 18 year old? It's only done in anger and frustration and will only add fuel to the fire. Just doesn't make sense to me. Letting the 18 year old walk, scream, or threaten isn't going to hurt her. It will show her that she will not manipulate you into getting what she wants.
Am I against spanking a child? No...not at all. I think though in this case, it wasn't going to achieve anything except maybe getting rid of your frustration.
Joonie: "Old school" as far as I'm concerned only means they didn't know any better. Because to "whip" a child with a wire clothes hanger, IS abuse. To "pop" a child in the face IS abuse. My mother was "old school" as well and looking back there certainly were times I know my mother physically abused me and my siblings while being disciplined. We've come a long way from those days and we all know what is no longer acceptable while disciplining.
I think as we grow older and have our own children we want to make changes in what we do compared to what our parents did. We all learn from our parents. Some good, some bad and hopefully we try to do better with our own. I don't blame my mother for how she disciplined. She did the best she could with what she knew. I'm sure my children will also change some things in the way they raise their children compared to how I raised them. It's called "learning".
Jode: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. If you felt it was justified, that's your business. Just remember, if you post things like this on a message board, you may get replies you don't want to "hear".
Kelly
Jode, I had a lot of problems with my son's attitude when he moved back in with me about the age of 15-16. He'd learned a lot of disrespect from his dad which he thought he could pass on to me.
Didn't work. He now believes that I am the most stubborn person he has ever met. Concerning how stubborn he is, that's quite a statement.
Here's what I did and I don't know if you can apply it to your daughter or not. My son thought he could be boss which I constantly reminded him that he was not. So, we started making plans for his moving out. Yes, from the age of 15. It helped because he was going to a charter school where they also emphasize such a plan.
We would go to garage sales and thrift stores looking for things for his new apartment. As he got towards 18, I started asking how his plans for moving out were going. He wasn't happy living with us girls and I could understand that. He wanted to be a man and all the more power to him.
We would go over in detail what you needed to do to move out, get your electricity deposit, rental deposit, how much budget would you need. Who could he be roommates with.
It was very subtle, but always firm. You are moving out. Then, one day, he came to me thinking that I would be crushed saying he was moving out. Yeah!
His attitude changed immensely after that because now he was footing the bill for everything. I had to help him out once and awhile. But he will be absolutely starving before he asks me for anything. He tries to keep it to just advice.
But he is the kind of kid that you can point in the direction he needs to go and he takes it from there.
My daughter, on the other hand, has had a great deal of problems growing up. Now, neither of my kids have been much for throwing wall-eyed fits. Thankfully. Part of that is because they know I cut off everything they want as soon as they do. Their world stops. But I also think I just got lucky with them. They have big, sweet hearts and in the end they really don't want to hurt me.
But Julie was difficult because she was suicidal, depressed. At 22, we learned she was bipolar. That's when it starts to emerge. That complicated things. I was always having to worry if she was going to hurt herself. And, she absolutely wanted to make no progress to becoming independent. She would have loved to live with me forever.
Things with her meds and her moods became too much for me to deal with my RA. Being over the age of 18, I had to put her in a residential home. It was a dog of a place. But my little girl learned a hell of a lot. Pushing her out of the nest was the hardest thing to do because she does need extra care.
Recently, she has come back to live with me and it really is like living with another person. Oh, we are still teaching her things. But now she understands so much better her own responsibilities with life. And, she looks towards having a separate future. She's not a child any more. Unfortunately, she still needs a lot of help. But she is also helping me right now when I need it so much. Now, it is a mutual relationship. The burden is not all on me.
Stand back from the situation. Go anywhere it takes to calm yourself down. Because you need to think what you want to happen next. Realize that you are only going to be able to control your own actions, not hers. Decide what you are going to do. If you can still sit down with her after that, let her know what you are willing and not willing to do. She's 18. Legally, she is an adult and you can kick her out on the spot. Does she really want that? If so, then ask her if she has made plans. When will she initiate those plans? You need to know because you need to use that room if she's not going to be there. You've been thinking of renting it out perhaps. See what I mean?
You've now switched her next actions, the responsibility of them, on to her. What is she going to do without you? Is she ready for that? Really?
Maybe she is and you'll have to let her fly.
One thing my kids have always known is that they can come to me if there's a problem. I let them go as far as they need to. But at the end of the day, Mom is still there. However, they must always speak to me in a civilized way. They can disagree and be upset. But if they want to speak to me, it will be with respect.
Jode, I hope this helps some. Do not hesitate to call in a crisis counselor or go to family counseling. These things can really help when emotions are running high.
I always find it amazing maybe even shocking how bad tempers can fly when dealing with a teen. My step son made me crazy when he was age 16-19.
It is totally hard to remember who is the adult, and therefore who has the responsibility to act sensibily. On the other hand there is only so much crap a sick person can take - we are human after all and not perfect.
With a little luck and a lot of time that bad day will become a 'funny' to you and your girl.
My step son (age 23) and I have one those - and no I won't tell the story!
Better days ahead!
Kelly:
Ok abuse to me is what hubby's grandpa says how he was disiplined when he was a kid. His mother threw a knife at him and it stabbed him in the back. Now that is abuse, to me. If what you whip your child with will result in death somehow, then it is abuse. I understand how some can use an object like a belt to disipline their child with, because I do have hands that I believe would break a bone if I disiplined with my hands. I have decreased bone density in both my hands and have been told I can break a bone a lot easier now.
Anyways... I do not disipline my kids with a belt or anything else. I let them run amuck. They are ok behaved kids, but I can see mine as being the ones who will do drugs and teenage drinking and leave home when they are 16. All because they do not "abuse" them. But hey, I will not be the one to put up with their stuff, as it will be people who actually get out of their house and go into the public who will have to feel the wrath of my un-"abused" kids, as I am always at home and if I go somewhere it is in a totally different town.
Today was a bit iffy and she was extremely sarcastic and still states she did nothing wrong. I hit her, she got out of the car, the police came, she told the police an dshe was able to continue her walk home. That was her side of the story. Honest to God I thought I was gonna burst out in laughter when she said it. I mentioned to her that tanning was worse for her than any deodorant, she said nothing. Then shewe got into it about trust and I told ehr nonononono, noway young lady, what took us your lifetime to build you managed to destroy in a mere few minutes, you will have to earn that one back. The other topic was that she interupts me all the time and when she did that with the police officer the other police officer told her that she wasn't to talk. That made her frown. So when she interupted me today, she kept on then after she said what she had to say over me she wanted to know what I was saying. I told her no, she started talking while I was talking and if she wanted to know she would have let me finish, but she didn;t so she doesn;t get to hear what I had to say. THIS kid is a journalism major, she KNOWS about conversation and interviews and when to ask and when to talk so I know this is all disrespect.
It is just one of those things and I am hoping she finds an dapartment with her bfriend. Goodness knows ii I had the money I would pay her rent, yeah buddy what a mistake that would be! I told her to concentrate on finding a vehicle and somehow she needs to purchase it, I would see about a loan. If she just ahd a car a lot of this would diminish.
Truthfully I do not think she wants to move out. She has it made here but after today ( this is gross sorry...she left a used sanitary tampon on my sink counter in my bathroom and left all her food laying out for me to pick up). I told her that um...she needs to watch that and that those behaviors are not permitted and are actually a health issue.
I bought the special detergent she insists on ( Tide with Downy) * I could just kick myself* and she will be doing her own laundry. She hates to do it and never has the time, but then again, she knows so much and wants to be independent and even told the police she was independent enough to move out, I am just saving her the laudramat bill and providing her the detergent..beware! She will absolutely go balistic cause this is supposed to be "HOTEL ALLYSON".
I callee dher dad again andasked if before I got her back here if she pulled any of these things and he said no ( take it for what it is worth, he lies all the time). I am figuring her bfriend is coaching her. I asked her about just that and she said, "you hit me , he is teaching me how to defend myself against you"
Well, that's it in a nutshell, those who know me will just chuckle, believe it or not we used to have the same troubel with homework, just ask her Pediatrician who used to babysit her for me while I went to the library...it was impossible to get her to do her homework, even for a man well educated in this field of "KIDS". Ahhh baby are so darling!
I am exhausted an dthere was only one other time I felt this way. When I was going to college my Pediatrician's wife went to study in Europe, I helped out with the kids. Their daughter was not taking it well and one day she held a knife to me and threatened me until "daddy" came home. Of course when he walked in the door, all he saw was me on top of her with her arms spread out and she was spitting up at me. He never knew that I had a huge gash in my arm and leg where she actually cut me with the knife. I never told him that cause I knew it would have crushed him beyond belief. Teens huh? She is a fine young lady now...at least the last time I talked to her she was and she did apologize.....
I hate getting old and I hate that my daughter views me as a child beater, but I know in my heart she is just saying that to hurt me...it hurts me that she wants to hurt me...HOWEVER,,,I did mention to her the following:
I hope and I pray to God himself that your daughter NEVER, EVER does this to you cause ya know what?......you will not ever be able to handle it.
jode
When she doesn't clean up after herself (the dishes and the tampon) put it all on her bed. Pull the blankets back, and set it all on her sheets. Tell her that's where it will all go, until she learns to clean up after herself. Maybe she'll get the hint. If she doesn't wash her dishes, buy her a stack of paper plates, and tell her those are hers. When she learns, she can use your plates again. And don't throw the paper ones away when she leaves them out, continue placing them on her bed.
As far as back talking goes - you bought her everything she owns right? Every time she smarts off, remove something from her room that does not NEED(no clothes or sheets) something like, her stereo, or her computer, her tv, anything like that. If she spends a lot of time doing hair and make-up, you can take that away too. Put it somewhere she can't get to, or wouldn't think you hid it. Let her know she can have it back in one week, as long as she hasn't smarted off any more.
She WILL get the hint. She may be 18, but she's not acting it. So you don't have to treat her like she is.
Thank you arris, I will do just that....good idea.
jode
No problem. I worked at a daycare, and we were taught all kinds of tips, even for older kids. We were supposed to share our ideas with the parents (we were a government funded center, so we had all the "kids with issues") Those were both ideas that they gave us. We used them on the little kids too, you just have to modify it a little bit.I agree with Katie. Make the boundaries clear and stop doing things for her. Taking away precious things really gets their attention and fast.There was a story someone told me, a while ago. Their teenage daughter started hanging out with some reallll bad kids. Her attitude changed and she started mouthing off, and sneaking out at night, all the typical bad teenager things. They tried EVERYTHING, grounding, taking away TV, computer, nothing worked. They finally took her to a counselor. The counselor told them that the one thing she valued most, part of the reason she was into the group so much, what had made her so popular to them was her hair. Of all things. She spent an hour and 45 mins every MORNING curling her hair.
So they took away her curlers. That tore her world up, and within a week she had a whole new attitude. Amazing, isn't it?
I am in the midst of raising a teenager and a pre-teen. Thankfully, they are at this point very good young ladies with they typical teenage and pre-teen issues. I have back talk issues and my 14 year old made the very bad choice of raising her hand to me. Now, I didn't hit her, but I did get about an inch from her face and let her know that if she was going to come at me as an adult looking for a fight then she would be treated like one. And I am bigger, nastier, and have a lot more tricks up my sleeve then she ever will have. What I think I am trying to say is that teenagers as well as adults have free will. Free will to make their own choices in life and behavior.
These kids (especially teenagers) do not come with instruction booklets. Because all my younger girls have ever known is my arthritis, it has in a way helped me and their dad raise them to do things for themselves. To get them ready for that real world out there that does not hand them everything on a silver platter.
Raising a family is not without it's own unique and individual problems and issues. As good as my kids are, I still have issues with them. It is the nature of the beast. We may be mom or dad and their best friend at times, but ultimately we are their authority figure that they answer to and we should be treated as such. If they don't feel like doing that, then consequences happen.
I agree with katie take things away from her , Jode, it works everytime I do it with my daughter. I know it is hard my husband has a neice that if I could have 5 minutes in a room with her... She has been overindulged all her life and her behavior is absolutely shocking. we were at my mother in law's, this neice's grandma, when she was arguing with her mother she told her mother she was a ## bitch and hit her mother across the face with her fist, this was at the age of 12. I can tell you for a fact her mother never ever raised a hand towards her in any form of discipline. My mother in law walked up to the neice, her granddaughter, and splapped her right across the face and informed her you ever hit your mother again, you will not be my granddaughter, you will treat your mother with respect in my home from now on!!! This woman is a very proper English lady, and I can tell you for a fact that the neice has never been disrespectful to her mother in grandma's house again. Because of things on tv, the groups they hang with, etc. some kids feel they deserve everything handed to them. I have a sister who has raised her boy with alot of love and discipline, at 18 he thinks mom is going to hand him the world, for free, and she told him you are going to have to work for it just like me. Every thing today is instant gratification, kids don't realize what it costs they just want it NOW!!! vic and I have sat Rachel down and told her we can't afford big fancy cars, we can't have a condo in Hawaii, Denver, etc. but we can give her all the love, discipline, and guidance she needs and that we will always be there for her. Does she talk back ,yes, and get cranky with mom and dad, yes, but she is also learning her boundries, and she is learning Mom and Dad won't put up with crap. Jode if she is living at home with you still and she is 18, then just explain to her your house your rules. She contributes to household be it housework, yardwork, or pay rent, tell her it is time to grow and face the real world. Don't let her get under your skin and remember we are here for you. meme
Hi Jode - a lot of us seem to have problems with our children, especially daughters. My daughter is 27 & we had a very good relationship until I got RA 10 years ago.
Joonie,
You mean to tell me that if a teacher or babysitter whipped your child with a wire clothes hanger, you wouldn't consider that abuse? Or maybe they kicked your child in the head (didn't cause death) that isn't abuse either?? What you said in your previous post is as long as what the person did, didn't cause death, then it wasn't abuse. Or is what you're saying is it's okay for the parent to do these things...anything in fact, as long as it doesn't result in death...just has to be the parent...noone else. Because either way, that's nonsense.
What a night! I made it thrugh , she is at her bfriends' house for the weekend. Her laundry detergent addn "Downy" are awaiting her.
I am not sure what Allyson's problem is thus far. She is not worried about illness, she has no information on her birthparents so we assume they were relatively well because all were alive (as we were told) when we went in for the adoption.
Her tantrum was due to me telling her "NO" and her bfriend and she expect me to buy her the next car, if not totally to at least pay half. This may be in part the reason for her acting. I have already purchase 3 cars for her thus far and she has gone through the 3 cars, totalling 1 due to carelessness and showing off to friends.
Your help has been a tremdous lifesaver and has helped me cope through all this, that is for sure.
I spanked her, that was it, I just spanked her..goodness gracious I know not to ever do that again. THis does bring up another issue though, for those parents with children that act out for whatever reason, is spanking that much of the past and "old fashioned" views that it is no longer accepted by society adn the courts as a manner of discipline? It was my understanding that the laws changed on spanking and basically domestically aceeptance wise due to the high rate of child abuse. So in a matter of fact, parents who severely abused their children would and could be prosecuted. So kids now know this and use it to their very advantage to take control over their parents so that they can get their way??????? Believe it or not I have told my daughter "no" before without such a reaction. The only thing that has changed is she is without a car, with a bfriend who is super indulged and spoiled and without any boudries at his own home. He has been a wonderful person in many ways for her but when she stated yesterday that he was helping her learn how to defend herself to me it makes me kinda wonder what the heck she is telling him, it isn;t all the truth I do know that.
Oh well I am exhausted...I will check in later......you all have helped me so much and I have been able to look at this entire situation from many different perspectives. It has helped me tremendously.
jode
Teenage girls are soooooooooo influenced by their boyfriends. It's a shame. Even when you teach them their whole lives not to let people influence them, it still happens.
Children need boundaries and actually want boundaries. If you don't give them those boundaries, it messes with their brains. They don't come packaged with self control, it has to be taught to them. They get all weird if they don't have self control. Besides, you want your kids to have that self control from the time they are young. Otherwise they may have problems in school which affects their ability to learn and have a good future. When they are older you want them to have that self control so they don't go off and do drugs etc.
My girls have been doing chores since they have been very young. They started out "helping" mommy do hers and as they got older, I shifted more and more responsibility to them. They are 12 and 14 now and can clean a house pretty dang well. They have their daily chores and do their own laundry. And mine right now since I can't do the stairs to get to the basement. When it comes time for them to leave my nest, they will be semi ready to do it. Hopefully they will retain that sense of responsibility their dad and I have drilled into them.
I think in some cases a spanking IS what's needed. I certainly have spanked my children when they were younger.
I try very hard to reason with a child first. As my children got older I didn't spank them. I always made sure though, that there were consequences to their bad behaviour. I think if there are certain rules and guidlines from the beginning, it makes it a bit easier down the road.
My point in this whole thing Jode, was not to offend or upset you...but to suggest that at your daughters age, hitting isn't the best thing to do. Nothing good can come out of hitting someone that age. And the only reason a parent does hit a child at that age is out of anger and frustration. I'm sorry if I did upset you.
Kelly
Kelly: Ummm... no, not abuse just not their place to whip my child at all. I do not allow anyone else to disciplin my children. I do not even allow the school to paddle my child often, they have to call me first to tell me what she done, and then I tell them if they should handle it or not. I have gotten 2 of those calls and the first time I did not let them paddle her, and the second time I did allow them to paddle her.
What I meant in my pervious post is, that I would not consider it abuse if they were whipped with a belt, a paddle, or something else that is not a knife, butterknife... like their great grandpa got.
My kids are never with a babysitter. They are always with me. They might go to daycare but only when they are 4 years old and the daycare has cameras installed. And my kids are well enough behaved and well loved that no one would want to harm them in anyway. Now another kid in their "class" might, but then that is not abuse.
WEll I have thought long and hard on this and the suggestion to take her personal items and dishes and food stuffs and place them on her bed, I just cannot do it. I cannot play that game with her because I think it will just escalate completely out of control. (besides it is just more work for me in the end, he bedroom is downstairs to the far end).
Oh I am sure this will blow over and she just wanted to shock me yet again with her behavior. Since her bfriend is coaching her now on breaking rules and morals and general manners, I am basically in the dark on figuring how she will react. I am just going to take this time that she is at her bfriends as a well neded rest, and concentrate on ending her game.
jode
Joonie: So a parent can do whatever they want to a child, as long as it doesn't result in death. Unbelievable.I do not think I have made myself completely clear. I slapped/spanked my daughter in the car shortly after picking her up from school. It was misting rain, very cold and I was in immense pain. The pain was Rheumatoid related plus I had severe pain in my right shoulder, and my right elbow ( which was cracked 2 years ago) and pain in my wrist and hands. My right hand has had 3 reconstructive surgeries on it due to cystic RA, which means they rerouted my tendons in that hand several years ago and and I have lost over 50% usage of it. THen , 2 years ago I broke my right wrist and they could not fix it due to osteo and my bones are like driftwood, so it did not heal correctly. I am not a strong person at all to top it all off and definately not a woman wrestler or lumber jack.
With all this in mind, slapping her/spanking her would probably not cause much pain but did cause a temper tantrum in my daughter. She had mouthed off to me and was pushing every button in me so I know at least not to fall for her trap. As far as "abuse" or causing her severe pain in her left leg, that did not happen because she would have limped when she got out of the car and began to walk, and screamed bloody murder, made the officer look for any swelling and or reddish area appearing.
With that stated, I have appreciate all the input both positive and negative to help me gain a more global interpretation and how best to handle future situation and of course my situation I now have. As I stated before, being a single mom is probably the single most difficult job I have ever had to endure and I find it most upsetting for the most part adn very challenging. THis is not what I had in mind when the social worker placed her in my arms after waiting 8 years for our second child.
Perhaps as her Wellburtin begins to help her more and she begins to mature and handle her ADD better my job will not be as difficult. SHe is 18, fully capable of taking care of herself as she said, so maybe she will want to do that, maybe not. However, I am not prepared to give up on her nor do I want her to move out. I want her to finish H.S. and go onto college; I want her to enjoy life na dbe happy at least the best that any of us can be.. BUt that may all not be in her plans anymore.
I do know that there will be consequences for her disrespect.
jode
I came from a set of parent's who had no problem using the belt or a switch (I HAD TO GO GET IT OFF THE TREE AND GOD HELP ME IF IT WASN'T SATISFACTORY). Never, ever did they do this if I hadn't done something wrong. One time, I decided I wanted some earrings and didn't have the money to pay for them. It was just cheap jewelry, but I took it anyway. The girl that was with me stole something too. We were probably about 11 at the time. Old enough to know better. But she got caught. I got away totally free but she told on me. When I walked to my house, my father was out in the yard waiting for me. He called the police on me and took me back to the store to meet with the managers and police there. When they got done with me, my father took me home and gave me a beating I will never forget and my mother took leftovers. Believe me, I never stole anything again and I don't hold any hard feelings and I'm not permanently damaged because of it.
Vicki...I could tell you stories about my childhood as well...like yours, my parents were very strict and my siblings and I were punished harshly. I should say though, that it was my mother who disciplined harshly, not my father. I say this because it's funny, even though my mother was the one who punished us, I was more afraid of my father. Not because of anything he would do, I suppose it was because I had more respect for him than my mother and I hated to ever disappoint him. My father just had to give us "the look" and we knew to behave. I can only remember being spanked by my father once. With my mother, I dunno...it was weird...I just wasn't afraid of her even though her punishment was very harsh. Anway, like I said, I was disciplined harshly by my mother and all four of us children turned out to be very responisble law abiding adults. IF you read my previous posts, you would have seen that I said I have no problems with parents spanking their children. I spanked my own. Although not like my mother and never when they were older. And guess what....b