Alright. I'm going to spill some guts here. Justin actually told me to do this. He said since I talk to you all so much, that even though this isn't the forum for it, maybe you guys have had some experience, and can offer some insight, or just some words of wisdom. I may have already done this, but I'm doing it again, because it's all happening again, and I don't know why.
Ever since I can remember - probably from age 10 or so, I have had crippling, debilitating panic attacks. The would come late at night as I was falling asleep. I would panic about the fact that one day, I'm going to die. Then I would calm myself, and think to myself that maybe I would just live forever. Then I would panic over the idea of living forever, and watching the world blow up and floating in outer space all alone.
Ugh. How stupid. But I was a kid, that was a scary thing. Over time the theories in my head have matured, but the panic attacks remain. They still come late at night as I'm trying to fall asleep, and they are still about death.
I've had NOTHING happen in my life involving death that would have triggered this. I have no idea where this came from. Even my mother is at a loss. Sometimes I make it for months at a time without any problems, and then suddenly and literally out of NOWHERE I get bombarded with them. Night after night.
My heart races, I start to sweat, my breathing is shallow and quick, my head spins, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I also can't stop moving. I usually end up pacing the living room for about an hour. The only way I can sleep after one, is to simply pass out from exhaustion. And you can bet the next day I am SOOOO sore from it all.
Am I alone with this? Does anyone else have anything like this? Or did they ever? I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. I guess I thought it would be therapeutic to share my story.
Thanks for listening :)
Ok... I am kinda the opposite of you, Katie.
I fear death too, but not the point of panic attacks, or so I do not think.
I for a long time would cry myself to sleep thinking of my mommy dying. I do not like funerals, and have refused to go to anyone's funeral. I have been, but only to support my husband as it was both of his grandma's that died within months of each other. I just did not go into the viewing room and just sat out in the waiting area.
I have kinda gotten pass my fear of my mommy dying, but that was only after my daughter was born. I then would lay awake at night and still do, wonder if she is breathing. At one point I was going into her room at least 2 times at night to make sure she was breathing, and the kid was 5! I even got to the point of having hubby go into her room to make sure she was breathing and alive, as I was terrified that I would go in there and she would not be breathing. He would do it, but only because I would cry and ramble on about it. Then after she got a little older, it went away and then I turned to laying awake at night listening to make sure hubby was breathing. I would actually wake him up at night to make sure he was alive and then after I would wake him up I would lay there to listen to him breath and sometimes I kept thinking he was not breathing, so I would put my head on his chest to hear his heart. Most nights I would fall asleep with my head on his chest.
I do not do that as much, but now, but I do do it with son, but not the extent I was doing it with daughter. But I do lay here at night and want to walk to everyone's room to make sure they are breathing and most times, the trouble of getting in and out of bed and being stiff and hurting detours me from doing it like I want to so... I just lay awake and most times do not go to sleep until hubby and daughter has left for school and work and then while they are both still here I go check on son after I go pee.
I say I do not know if it is panic attacks, but I do lose lots and lots of sleep over me thinking everyone in the tin box is going to stop breathing.
I have had occasional anxiety attacts, usually stress related, but no full blown panic attacks. My son, however, did have panic attacks and they were terrifying for him and us. Panic attacks are not logical and not necessarily triggered by anything obvious. In my son's case we eventually found a good therapist that worked with him successfully and he's been free of panic attacks for the last couple of years. The therapist used what is called cognitive behavioral therapy that helps you learn to manage the thought processes that can lead to panic attacks. It is a treatable disease, but you need help to break the cycle. I hope you can find help...you shouldn't have to suffer with something that can be successfully treated.
Alan
Oh Yeah! I use to get anxiety attacks when I was a teenager. I would get them every Sunday night and I would have to go to the ER, because I could not breathe and at the time I had asthma and my mom was not sure if it was asthma or anxiety attacks, so off to the ER we would go. I did it every Sunday night for 3 months.Katie,
I had them for years. Sound exactly like what you are talking about and I paced for hours. If I wasn't pacing I would wring my hands. These panic attacks happened to me when I was very depressed. This was during the time after my husband left and I was going through a divorce.
I ended up on anxiety drugs and they helped to calm down the attacks. After about a year I was able to get off the Ativan and had no more attacks for about 10 years.
When RA hit I started having them again but they are easier to control for me now. I still take Ativan occasionally, but relaxation exercises and deep breathing really help me when I feel it coming.
So my attacks seem to correlate to stressful periods in my life, whereas yours seem to just be there.
I hope you can come up with something that works and I hope knowing that you aren't alone helps.
Crispy
I understand how scary it must be for you to have these panic attacks. I get anxiety attacks & fear of abandonment & I am going to try cognitive behaviour therapy with my new counsellor. I have heard it is very good. Do you have Rescue Remedy by Dr Bach in the US. It is a natural product and I have found it to be very useful. I wonder if panic attacks stemKatie,
I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks as well. Mine started as soon as my first child was born. All I could think of was what if I die and I won't be around to raise her/take care of her. It was more than I could handle. That was 12 years ago. I still have them. I have to take antidepressants for the of my life for it. I am currently on Effexor as it is for depression and anxiety. It works great. I don't have them as long as I am on meds. I highly recommend it. They gave me my life back.
Laura
Katie, my daughter has severe panic attacks. A couple of years ago, she was having them 5 times a day. Then they got her on meds and she never seems to really have them any more. They are horrible.
There are a couple of physical things to check though. One is your thyroid funtioning right. They should do a blood test for you to see. If that is working right, it can trigger problems. My daughter also has a low thyroid level.
The other thing is your heart. Problems with your heart can present as panic attacks. But your description does sound more like a panic attack.
I know you don't have medical yet. But you can call a crisis number which will probably get you a connection with mental health services. There, they will evaluate you and probably give you some kind of medication and they are a good doorway to the cognitive therapy that has been mentioned. They are a sliding scale or no fee resource. If you go that route, they might even assign you a Case Manager to help with any other problems that you have.
Panic attacks are awful, both my Mom and Julie have them. Julie has met the problem head on. My Mom not so well. They don't make any logical sense, they're just like a freight train going through your body. You can talk about them, describe them, but you cannot make them go away.
I strongly recommend you get to someone that can help with this because it can make a world of difference in your life.
Love you Katie.
My father has them on occations and they freak him and my Mom out totally! They've gone to the hospital twice with it. When you mentioned the pacing it sounded exactly like what Momma said Daddy's like!
He now has some medication he takes right away if he feels one coming on; but doesn't take it constantly I don't think.
Sure does sound scary Katie. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Hope you can find some help.
And Katie, it is nothing to feel bad about. Very often it is a chemical reaction in your brain. The cognitive therapy is added to help control your thought patterns so that you can lessen the triggers. As you can see here, that many people have got to the point that they don't need medication. Ativan was a lifesaver for Julie. Now she's on something else that has a more stablizing effect. I'm sure the underlying feelings of knowing you are so sick and not being able to do much about it are helping trigger them right now. That accounts for your feelings of fear of dying contrasted against your fear of all this going on forever. That's exactly where you are with your medical treatment. Finally getting help with that is going to relief some of this.Years and years ago, I used to have panic attacks. I have no idea what brought them on, but I really thought I was gonna die from how it made me feel. I won't go into everything I felt, because most of what you described, I felt. So you know all about it. For some reason I had to keep moving...so I understand the exhaustion of the pacing that you described.
I ended up seeing a psychologist for a few months. I eventually started taking Xanax for the anxiety. That of course just made me tried and I ended up in bed most of the time. I knew I couldn't live that way. So I stopped taking those. The psychologist asked me one day, how the panic attacks made me feel..what did I do during the time I felt this way? My answer was...it made me feel scared, like I was going to die...just plain panicky. That where ever I was when it happened, I had to leave...just go and move (pace). Of course during all of that I'm sure I was extremely tense. He said that that was my problem. By reacting to it, it caused the panicky feeling to worsen. He told me that the worst that could happen would be that I would pass out. I wasn't going to die, or anything else. He told me that when I felt the attack coming on...to just try and go with it...let it happen without fighting it. I know it sounds way too easy...or it might sound too hard...but it worked. I just didn't fight it anymore and I haven't had a panic attack in probably well over 15 years.
AS far as the death thing goes (and I'm not sure if it's death you're really afraid of) I just wanted to tell u about an experience I had when my father died. I think like most ppl, we fear the unknown and death certainly is an unknown...but when I was with my father at the moment he died I have to tell you...it was the most (I know this will sound odd) almost magical experience I've had. It was so peaceful and at that very moment when he died, the fear I had had of death was instantly gone. I will say though, that since it's been 15 years since his death, some of the fear has come back. I just wanted to tell you that story though, because it really showed me how normal and wonderful death can can be. Even as I re-read this it's seems silly to even say these things about death...but those are the feelings I had when my father died. Although it didn't change the feeling of loss that I felt.
Good luck with this Katie...I know how hard it can be.
Kelly
Kelly, I'm glad you shared that. It is quite touching and that magical moment clearly showed through. It is a very comforting thought.
Well, Katie, it looks like you're not alone!
I had bad anxiety with panic attacks and OCD behaviors on prednisone. A psychiatrist told me steroids can permanently change the brain and how it functions. I still have problems from time to time. If your attacks start with a spacey, out-of-body feeling, you might want to check out http://www.dpselfhelp.com/ It's a support forum for depersonalization disorder.
Oh, and little kids who stay up late at night worrying about the cosmos and the meaning of life? - Usually have genius level IQ.
Once when I had to go to California for a conference, just the thought of it made me so panicy that I paid my fiance's way to meet up with me. I was terrified! THen when I had to do a conference in Indianapolis and my fiance' couldn;t take the day off, I thought I would just die from a heartattack.
When I moved to Michigan I had them frequently, mixed with asthma attacks. Like I said I get homesick very easily and the change was terrible for me, plus the weather but the air is so much cleaner up here. Plus at the time I was having trouble with my daughter and her adjusting and her threats of running and such. TO top it off I was away from Tim and hadn't been for several years and it just was too much for me.
I take xanax, have relief from the attacks most of the time but do get overwhelmed very easily now although keep in mind I live with an ailing mother and a teen daughter and have very little social life. My life didn;t turn out so good.
I do have a recurring dream too.....it is not due to death of me but that my xfiance' being in a horrid accident and on life support and his brothers call me and tell me what has happened and ask me to come see if I can jog him out of a coma....when I go to the hospital he is on all this life support stuff and I kiss his eye then just get ready like I always used to for bed, tell him to scooch over and stick my finger in his bellybutton ( he always hated that) and he wakes up telling me to quit sticking my finger in his bellybutton and to stop hogging the bed.
Odd dream huh? When I awaken I am a bit out of sorts.
SO I guess you are not alone for this either.
jode
As I fall asleep my body relaxes...sometimes I get the feeling I'm falling and I wake up with a great big START. Perhaps that physical sensation of a freefall off the top of a skyscraper is the start of a panic attack - I end up in huge pain from that kind of jolt - which snaps me right back to the here and now. I've done this since ever since I can remember.
Perhaps you interpert 'freefall' as 'dying'.
Clueless as to what to do about stopping it, but I find it helpful to just understand whats going on.
Marian, is there any chance you have sleep apnea because that is exactly what it feels like? You might not be aware of it because you are sound asleep and suddenly your body brings you awake so that you can breathe. Okay, there are so many ppl on here who have a history of panic/anxiety. Is there some link with that to RA??? Makes me wonder.Might be. But if there is, I haven't seen anything to support it. Having a thyroid problem is also considered an autoimmune disorder. That can cause panic attacks. But it does make you wonder.Deanna, Maybe, lots of ppl do have sleep apnea, but I don't get jolted awake all night long (that I remember) just when falling asleep soon after going to bed.
If I were to try a sleep study I would just be awake most if not all night. Besides I am not having any more diseases...ever. Especially when I would refuse the surgery and the CPAP machine they use to treat it. If I can't sleep now, how would I sleep in a Darth Vader rig?
I did a lot of research on sleep ect. in college and I would have to look at my notes ( If I could even find them) but the freefall jolt thing is actually a surge in neural exchanges in the brain. It typically happens during a certain sleep stage ( geesh I wished I could remember,,thinking it is the second stage of sleep?!?). The falling represents not having control of things happening to you ( aka RA?) according to some thoerist.
With my dream it would have to be the loss of a relationship mixed with ....I have to do everything, mixed with..... old memories of how life used to be.
In the theory I believe, when you dream, what your brain is actually doing is problem solving and taking new experiences and comparing them with previous experiences to aid in a solution. It is mostly in symbols and it seems as though each theorist has their own interpretation, so who knows.
The dying dream ......I will have to look that up, I cannot remember what it means. Obvious reasoning would lean towards the fear and your brain trying to overcome that by sort of going over it....but then on the other hand it could also mean a completion/end, which is how our brains(thoughts) percieve and have learned death to represent.None of this however, includes biological, medicinal problems...and or a dx. It is just a thoery used in dream therapy.
With RA and our struggle with this disease and all the dangerous meds we take it is not surprising that most of us do not have dying dreams or dreams where we are at risk, because that is the struggle we face with the disease. Most of us here are still learning about the disease and it is frightening and it does threaten our lives and our lifestyle and curtails our hopes and dreams...ect.
jode
Marian, the CPAP machine can actually improve your sleep immensely. I will confess that I tend to throw it off during the night in my sleep. But they do have different masks which I need to try.
They can find out sleep problems too like the Restless Leg Syndrome which is not serious and can be treated easily.
WHEW! Thank you all soooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH!
I must ad - marian, I get the "wake suddenly with a jolt as if you're falling" thing too. Hehe But, I actually think it's kind of cool. LOL It's very random, but never when I have a panic attack.
I'm wondering about the treatment Alan spoke of - when I *did* have insu, I started on Paxil, which made me feel like a freaking zombie. I had no emotion. Then I switched to Lexapro, which was awesome. I also started seeing someone, and well, he sucked. I can't even remember his voice, because the guy NEVER said anything. At all.
When I go back in my head, and think about my thought process during the attack, it seems stupid. Litteraly, just plain STUPID. I can talk about it, and think about it aaaalll day long. But you put me in bed, and let me get a little bit groggy, and have that one little thought cross my mind, and I act like I should be commited.
The first one I ever had around Justin, I scared the HELL out of him. In between breaths, I was trying to explain what was going on. It didn't help a whole lot. LoL
I don't have them when he is home. Only when he is at work. So there's something to it when there are people around. BUT I can have them around my parents, even with them in the same ROOM.
I've analyzed why, over and over and over. And I just keep coming up empty. I REALLY thought I had it taken care of when I listened to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" But that didn't even work last night. I don't know.
The overwhelming response I got here is GREAT. It makes me feel a little more human. :) I really do feel like a complete freak once the attack is over. I can even look at myself and go "good lord...that was DUMB, what's wrong with you???" LoL
And I think it did start when I was young, trying to figure out what was going to happen to me when I died. And that whole living forever idea, that came from a book we had to read in school. Something about drinking from a pond near a tree, and this whole family lived forever, and it was REALLY sad. So that's where that came from. The rest, I don't know.
I wish it would go away though!!!
The book was Tuck Everlasting. It's a movie now. I LOVE it. But, it is sad. Makes you think too. I can see why it affected you as a kid!
Is THAT what it is?!?!? That has bothered me for YEEEAAARRRSS. It's him and his whole family that live forever, right? Or is that another book? Thank you for ridding my brain of that annoying question. LOLYep, it's Tuck Everlasting. It is a great movie now!
I get these sometimes; from Wiki: "A hypnic or hypnagogic jerk is an involuntary muscle twitch (more generally known as myoclonus or a myoclonic twitch) which often occurs during the transition from wakefulness to sleep (see hypnagogia). It is often described as an electric shock or falling sensation, and can cause movement of the body in bed. Hypnic jerks are completely normal, and are experienced by most people, especially when over-tired or sleeping uncomfortably."
Here's an interesting article and discussion on the subject: http://www.failedsuccess.com/index.php?/weblog/comments/fall ing_sleep_hypnic_jerk
You are not stupid and you are not dumb arriscolwell......it appears as though all of this has happened to many of us.
The one thing I hate and get so mad at myself for is when I faint in public..I feel so stupid when that happens...I just hate that sooooooooooo much! Or when you feel queezy and feel as though you will pass out.
I have felt a bit panicy all week actually, but it has been like a real nightmare around here lately.Unbelievably so. Happy thoughts and looking on the bright side of things does not always work! Seems I get to revisit the "daughter dilemma" series of my life. I just wan t a life of my own where i ma not catering to everyone all the time and I get some help around the house and I do not have to do everything all the time.......my mom and my daughter do absolutely nothing around here.
Anyway, the big question in class was always......what happenes if you haev a dream that you are falling and you don't wake up...do you die? are you hurt? or do you even land.
In the dreams that I have that I am falling, it is more like I roll off of a bed or something, not an actual fall, when I do go down, I am flying, and I like that! I love the dreams where I can fly............
Well here is to the panic attackers of the world. I MISS MY DOG! :( prob one reaon why this week I have felt panic).
jode
I go through the same thing as you do, although I never tried the living forever approach. I don't want to die but I don't want to live forever....weirdness!
Perhaps my attacks are not that bad. I get that way maybe twice a month when I will have some insomnia and go in panic mode. Right now I just started college so I hope that I will stay busy and not think about my own mortality.
I used to be worse before my son got sick. He was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and was not far from being put on life support. It gave me new focus. Made me concentrate on my life and not dwell on things I cannot control. I was helpless to watch him hooked up to machines. Regardless of what I did, it had no effect on his condition. I just did the best I could.
Medications don't help, atleast for me they did not. I am sure you will reach a point in your life when something will distract you or you realize that death is out of your control.
Shandi