My daughter and I were at wits end again today, she demanded her support check to put towards a car. I told her I would put money towards it next month, she said "no, tomorrow".
I have had it, my nervous system cannot bear anymore of this turmoil yet I will not kick her out. I am thinking of calling her dad and having her emancipated that way there will no longer be arguments about the support check and she can do as she wishes.
What should I do? Comments and suggestions would be appreciated.
jode
that support check is not her check. it is yours to support her as you take care of her. who pays the bills? i understand what you are going thru. i have been there also and still there. even tho you do not want to put her out but she needs to know that option is there if she continues to behave that way. don't let this make you sicker. i hope you can find a solution. take care
Girl; I would flip out!
Sadly I don't have your problems because my deadbeat ex doesn't give me a dime....and never has! Don't get me started.
Lolo is right though. There really shouldn't be an argument because that's your money not hers. Although it helps with her support....that doesn't give her the right to make demads on it like it's a lottery pay out! It puts a roof over her head and food in her mouth. AND; that curling iron she's using needs power. You better snap her back to reality real quick sister!
Tommorow? Please. I'd say "Call your Daddy. See if he can help you with your down payment." Does he think his child support payment releases him of the things Priss "wants" for the rest of his life?
Tomorrow?
I pay all the bills, mine, my mom's and hers. Last month she had several Dr. appts., adn gas was over 0.00 for all the running I have to do for her and with her, not to mention the repairs on the car.
I suppose I can just tell her that if she does not like the way things are going than she needs to find other living arrangements. I have told her a bazillion times, the check is made out to me for her living expenses. You would not believe the money my mother has spent on her for clothes, vacations, the last car, insurance ect. But she just does not "get it".
I guess I just need some moral support on this. Life would be so much easier if I had a man to tell her with that firm deep voice, I am certain she would not take advantage of me so and be so nasty to me.
oh well
jode
Oh yeah...she DEMANDED IT tomorrow. And she was not kind about it. I almost went down and shut the breaker off to her room, since she uses the electricity....then go around to all the shampoo and nice bath foamy stuff and place stickers on it stating " bought with support check"...or better yet putting it all on a shelf and have her buy it from me. I just had to laugh at her insensitivity and her ugly manner. SHe has a lot to learn. I am certain her bfriend has a big hand in this..he and I have gone round and round about the support check, excuse me, talk to any attorney, any judge! They will tell you exactly what the money is for and I am not required to itemize what I spend it on either.
Geesh! My ex hubby was a deadbeat till I told him that if he did not pay I was suing for a lean against his house. He has fought me tooth and nail on this recently.
jode
Jode,
Tough love.....hard to do, but the best for everyone in the end. Your her mom, not her bank. Tell her you love her but if she's not happy with the choices you make as to where the support money goes to, she can find someplace else to live. The money is for food, clothes, etc. Perhaps it's time to take out some bills and show her how much money it takes to run a household.
Good luck.
Sadly my ex-husband has just about lost everything but the shirt on his back since our divorce (No cause of mine since I lift with nothing!!) so there's no use beating a dry cow.
How old is your daughter? I've got a 17 year old and a 13 year old and at times I have no idea what to do with this boy! (17 year old)
LOL Lovie - I hear ya, I have TWIN boys that are 18. Fortunately they're good kids, but with that said....I'm practically bald. I swear they've just about had me drooling in a corner rocking back and forth at times, lol. Boys are so much fun and yet challenging.
I've got two step sons that are 9 & 10 so I've got plenty more years of this ahead.
I've got high hopes that my daughter will continue to be my buddy for ever. (Do Not tell me if that's unlikely to happen.....I'm hearing none of it!)
Jode, I think your instincts of labelling everything was a good idea. But my son's Charter School did something really cool which I reinforced at home. They made them do a budget for living on their own. Adam came home and asked me what were my expenses because we lived in a small, cheap as you can get, apartment. He was amazed. It really opened his eyes.
You are the boss. My son would try and say he was the boss. He was very blunt about it. My insistence was the same. I AM THE BOSS. Now, he thinks I'm the most stubborn person he has ever met. I thought I was never going to win. You just have to hold firm to what you believe is right.
I think you should go through your bills with her. Then have her research how much it is going to cost her to live on her own. Emphasize deposits, first and last month's rent, cost of furniture, etc. Then you show her how much of a free ride she is getting living with you.
This boyfriend is really bad news. How dare he say that check is hers? But I don't know what you do about that one. I would not have him in your house at all.
The other thing that might help you as you daily struggle with this is to find a good book on setting boundaries. I was never taught to do this in my family. That led to me getting with the wrong men. It has been a great help in many situations since.
Also, don't hestitate to put her in family counseling. A third party can help bring a lot of sanity to the situation.
Stick to your guns. She will either surrender or leave which is something you cannot stop. But then it will be her choice. A lot of kids do that but soon return back home.
WOW ! Thanks so much everyone! I do not allow her to hang anything over my head...I simply do not care! I mean it , I do not care. If she doesn;t like it, fine but I am so sick of telling he that the support check is not hers. She even went so far as to tell me ..."do you actually think dad would have sent you this money if I didn;t need a car?" I could not believe it!
The bfriend is bad news, didn;t used to think so and he comes off being kind and so forth around me nowadays but he has a sly and spoiled side to him, oh well. I have made bad choices in men as well.
I just do not like her thinking she can boss me around so I just keep my mouth shut and do nto say much of anything. SHe was never like this. SInce her 18th bday in June of last year though, she just thinks she owns me and all I do, is pushy and downright cruel.
Her laundry is piling high and says that laundry is my job cause she does nto have time and in her spare time she wants to be with ehr bfriend. LOLOLOL, oh she is gonna be hit hard with reality.
When I tell her I am the mom here, she just says ..."so". That tells me there is no respect. I will help her get a car just so I do not have all the miles to drive and that I do nto further damage my mothers' car. I will then see about getting a newer car later since I have had to use my mom's car since my daughter totalled mine.
Oh and having her look at the monthly bills is an excellant idea.......she will snub it but that is ok.
heartfelt thanks everyone...this has been so darned difficult! TOugh love is hard, my son still will not speak to me! Oh welllllllllll!
* I thik I need to be a Bahama MAMA! Find me a man with a huge heart that will be supportive of what I do and like to vacation.......((I know, I know, that is not a solution and non-existant, so I am fanacizing...but hey....it is all I have left! )) *grin*
jode
jode
Why can't she get a job and get her own car? You said you'd already bought her cars that she's wrecked, so you've done your part, I would think.
I don't think you owe a disrespectful 18 year old a ride anywhere. She can walk, ride a bike, take the bus, or bum a ride with a friend. I'd tell her she's on her own and then stick to it. If she's late for her work, or to a friends, or can't see her boyfriend, she'll learn pretty quickly she better come up with something.
My 18 y/o daughter bought a laptop before she left for college and we put it on my credit card with the understanding she would pay for it when her loan came in. She quit her part time job and then didn't have the money for the computer. Furthermore, she didn't make any payments on the computer and just kept saying, sorry, she didn't have the money. She came home one weekend and I took the computer from her and kept it until she paid for it. Of course she needed it for college and, yep, it was hard for her to do her classes without her laptop, but sure enough she figured out how to pay off that computer VERY quickly once I repossessed it. It's amazing how resourceful they become when THEY'RE the ones who are inconvenienced.
Scout does have a very good point about the car. My kids had to do just that. I was too sick to give them rides everywhere. You have to get everyone else pulling some of the weight.
Girlfriend my teenager would sure as sh*t be wearing some dirty clothes. There is no way I'd wash her clothes after she said that.
I think I've told the story of what happen when my son smarted off at me about dirty clothes two years ago.
Let's just say the kids been doing his own laundry ever since. Sure he's a little wrinkled looking every morning when he leaves for school....but his additude about household chores sure has gotten a lot better. Fat boy knows better than to mention dinner around here or he might just be cooking his own meals too
K~he's not really fat.....but he's a strapping young man if you get my drift.
Don't get me wrong. I adore my kids; and their FAR from perfect, but I was raised in a house where Momma didn't take no back talk. Know what I mean? She'd pop your jaws in a heart beat!
Oh No, Lovie!! You mentioned child abuse
Jode - I say keep sticking with it! Do what you feel you need to do. You are the momma and well what momma says goes!
Ohh she has a job and is always on time and actually works all th e hours she possibly can plus was on the honor roll, I think I am just a good target for her to take her frustration out on adn I am not one for that type of verbal abuse. I do not know what it is with the mouthing off lately but I have had it.
I was just appalled when she demanded her ...yes, her support check. I always told her that my name is on the check.
I am so very sick of driving her everywhere and it is tearing my mom's car up so yeah she needs a car, but like all of you have said, I have done more than my share.
Thanks all for your input...and.....*wink* this time I just chuckled at her immaturity and lack of knowledge rather than touching or "slapping her".
My daughter wears me out!
jode
Isn't raising kids fun, lol? I think because my husband travels and I have twin boys I decided long ago to "take no crap". When one of my boys woke up and decided he didn't feel like going to school (I think he was in 9th grade) and I couldn't get him to get out of bed, I called the school and turned him in for skipping. If either one of them got a detention at school, they had to walk home and walk to and from school the next day (4 miles each way). Yes, I would follow them in the car for safety. But let me tell you, it did make an impact. They each had to do it twice and that's it.
Like I said earlier, tough love.... When they were seniors in high school and complaining about my being a "wench" I grabbed the paper, circled some apartments, listed how much food was, etc. and said "go for it....pack your bags and enjoy being on your own". They were sweet as sugar after that. I must admit, they're good kids and I haven't had any big issues with them. They're both off to different schools and both doing very well with their grades. They're still in the selfish stage, but I'm thinking they'll be wonderful men soon, lol.
I haven't popped mine since they were toddlers and we were learning the word "NO!" When they would scoot around my coffee table and toucn "Mommas Purdies" Id say "NO"" and pop their hands. Not hard, but they learned not to do that. Very quickly they learned when they heard no, they stopped what they were doing and looked to me for direction. Their younger years ran quite smoothly.
Now my Momma, yes. She'd pop you right in your face if you smarted off at her; but I will say it taught me respect for my parents and it tault me respect for other adults. This is something I don't see with a lot of kids today. It's just as important to respect other adults outside the home as it is to respect the ones in charge at home.
I'll admit my son and I got into a huge fight a couple years ago and I popped him on his arm when he said something to me that was totally out of line. He packed his bags and went to his Dad's for a week. Guess you could say he taught me a leason that time. I haven't done that since.....and I won't ever again. It doesn't work once their 5ft 10' and out weigh you by 30lbs. I promised him I'd never do that again.....and he promised to be a little more respectful of me in the future.
Being a parent of a teenager is a lot harder than being a parent of a toddler in my opinion. Things can go from perfect to not so perfect in the flash of an eye. All depends on their mood that day; and their moods swing quicker than a Gimp on Predisone!
Hello!
I have been reading this and wasn't going to chime in, but I think I have to.
Jode, you have the best intentions at heart. You sound like a loving mother who has done everything in your power for your daughter. However, you aren't doing her any favors by doing so much for her. She is old enough to take on some of these responsibilities on her own. She will not have the skills to cope on her own and make good decisions if you always bail her out. I don't have children that age, but I was a terrible teen. I can only say that my mothers tough love is what gave me the ability to go on and be very successful in life. As hard as it sounds, toughen up on her. Be supportive, but don't do her laundry and all that other extra stuff you do for her. Also, you are correct about the check. it is for you....and everything you do for HER. not for her car payment/downpayment. I know you don't want her to leave, but it might be a feasible option. At some point she is going to have to get out on her own and find out it isn't as easy and there isn't anyone around to demand things from. Lori One more thing...my mom bought my first car. I paid insurance and gas, upkeep. After that I was responsibile for my next vehicles and I didn't even total one. I say after today....you don't take her ANYWHERE for any reason...unless she has to go to the ER. That will stop that bullsh*t. She is taking advantage of you and you are letting her. I agree with Scout, let her ride a bike, bus or find a way to get there. It isn't up to you to get her anywhere. Lori I have an 19 year old daughter. Today is her birthday. When she was 16 we helped her get a car. We told her straight up.....you will pay half the car payment. Which was amonth we paid the other half. The insurance, up keep, etc. was all hers. She goes to college in the morning and works in the afternoon. I should say she did until she decided to take a semester off. WHich I told her......that people that do that have a hard time going back. She hangs out with her friends that recentley got married. She has her own room there. I hardly see her except to say hi and bye. She has a attitude from hell sometimes. After today, (don't want to ruin the bday) she is getting a rude awakening. She is going to contribute. She will pay rent or find somewhere else to stay. Kids today don't know how good they have it. Sometimes they have to find out the hard way. TOugh love is the way to go. It's hard but you aren't doing yourself or your kids any favors letting them walk all over you. If you let take advantage they will. Girl don't I know it! My son has been "Hangin Out" the better part of the last year. He had a job for a while but quit. He's pretty much lived off of Birthday and Christmas money ever since; but that ran out about a month ago. Every time I turn around he needs gas. MIND you; I gave him my 2000 Honda Accord on his 16th Birthday. I'd busted my a$$ to get it paid for before his birthday. I also pay all the insurance, maintence, taxes....and now it seems gas too! I told him at the beginning of December I was taking away his cell phone if he didn't have a job by Jan 15th. (Which I also bought and pay for EVERY month) Jan. 15th rolls around and I decided it probable wasn't safe to have a 17 year old kid out driving around without a cell phone for emergencies; so I disconnected his internet service. He absolutely loves the computer and does that 90% of the times when he's home. I figured this would jolt him into getting a job. He hasn't yet. He does have an interview next week at the local YMCA. Keep your fingers crossed for him. I can't afford all this on my own. Like I said before; his father doesn't contribute a dime to any of this; and although my current husband always offers to help out; he's got 2 kids of his own that he pays child support for. I can't let him do that. I think one day that could come back to cause problems between the two of us.
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