Hey all,
I figured you all would feel me...and let me express my pain.
First off I love my husband, he is a great provider and wonderful friend. Okay, you all know there is a but coming.
Over the weekend, we met friends for dinner and dancing in Richmond, VA which is about 1 1/2 hours from our home. I was feeling pretty good just some minor pain. Weekend went well until Saturday night.
We had a real nasty cold front to move through our area. And by Sunday morning, I was having trouble walking and my knees, feet and ankles were on fire and stiff. I felt like crap and had mentioned to my hubby I was tired, my joints ached and I just wanted to sleep.
I take MTX shots on Sunday evening and once I do, I am out of it. Sunday, instead of understanding this and listening to me when I said I was tired from the night before and hurting. He wanted to Have Whoopy...(G Version of the story) and got upset when I turned his advances. I was thinking to myself...YOU &)%$&)#...you know how the treatments effect me...HOW DARE YOU get upset
I was so out done. So, he left me a message on my cell phone about how he felt like I wasn't enjoying things and that I was just laying there...and he felt like I was pushing him away.
I thought at least for one night, he could not think about his loins long enough for me to sleep off the effects and then wait for me to feel better to enjoy and give to him.
Even after explaining how I was feeling sick on the phone, he was still upset. I feel like a bad wife...but part of me wants to tell him off
He says that he felt I was neglecting his needs. But how can I give when I am hurting, tired and sick to my stomach?????
I don't know what to do...I am still hurting and sick to my stomach. It has taken all I have not have left work early. But I feel if I don't do something tonight...It will be more hurt and neglected feeling on his part.
Thanks for listening...Roblyn
You have every right to say no, and this is where he has to learn to respect your wishes and put his own desires aside, difficult as it may be. If you continue to have problems, maybe some councelling will help, I see he is a man of God and so he could even be expected to be a little more compassionate then most, with all due respect.
I am sure when you are feeling better you can make up for it and all will be well again
I don't know but I face this on ocassion as well. I just tell him I love him but right now I'm sick to my stomache. I'll make it up to you tomorrow when/if I feel better.
He has figured out he is happier when when I'm able to make love too. Perhaps it is age that has given him the common sense to see this - but he needs to be told that he has to be sensitive to your need for rest too. He can't learn unless you explain - with love not anger.
I think your best friend will get it eventually.
Just call me ever hopeful
If you had a bad heart, he would have any either. Or, a whole lot of illnesses. What if the tables were turned and he, like my dad, had prostrate cancer? Or, some day he has ED. Are you going be giving him the same song and dance?
There are two physical needs here. A compromise that includes waiting until you are not in the worst stage of the week should be reachable.
I imagine he just wanted the romance of the moment and maybe even felt some pressure from being with friends. But things have changed. I think the suggestions above are good. I so get why you feel hurt.
Get on top and fake it the best you can. I've read in advice columns that Marriage is give and take and sometimes we have to give it up when we don't want to. Just like he has to go to work when he doesn't want to. It sounds sexist to me, but this columnist had a point I think. I rarely feel like whoopy so I go and take a nice hot shower or it could be a bath and while the hot water is feeling good on me I invite hubby in. It is a great compromise that even gives my body some relief and he loves the change.Remember to be thankful that he still wants whoopy with you. Since i have started hobbling around, my husband doesn't find me attractive anymore. He won't even cuddle me. Even when he is sleeping he will move away if i accidentally touch him. I have my MTX on Wednesday nights, he won't even have a cuppa with me for two days after. I would love even a hurting whoopy to take my mind of all my problems for a short time.Are you fu*&ing kidding me??? Can't you come up with something better than that? Marriage is give and take? Yes it is, but going to work and having sex are two totally different things. Shame on you, we have come so far as women.
Lori
It sounds to me like he does not realize what this disease or any disease is all about. He thinks that it is all about him and his needs. Perhaps it's a communication issue as well. Does he truly know just how bad you feel? My hubby would not even expect sex when I am ill! I can see that he might be more in the mood because it probably reminded of all of the good times connected with dinner and dancing. Romance seems to follow after that. Rejection is another issue. Men have a problem with that too. If this happens repeatedly it is probably time for a good talk with a counselor or even your rheumy. Don't feel guilty Willwin, he is the one who should apologize. Sorry this happened to you.Roblyn,
I can empathize with you. My first husband was like that. His needs came first no matter what. I'm fortunate to have found someone now,who wouldn't dream of suggesting sex when I'm not feeling well. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. You are not a bad wife. I hope you feel better.
My ex husband would initiate sex when he knew I would reject him. Once I had the stomach flu, once I was having a drug reaction and hives and then once at my parents' house. I couldn't believe he didn't understand. Now I know he DID understand, but for whatever reason he set me up so he could be pissed off and hurt.Roblyn -
I am sorry. I am sure it has hurt your feelings, it would mine too. I know when I was not doing so well, I felt bad about not giving my hubby any, but he knew I was not doing well and did not ask for it either. I know he had to go satisfy himself quite a few times. But after a while I felt so bad for going from active to non-existant, so I made it to where I would let him do what he wanted when he wanted even if I was hurting. I mean he is selfish in that area anyways... so might as well of kept him happy until I was able to join in.
The only thing that bothers me now... is I cannot do "it" in his favorite position anymore or any of the "fun" positions I was able to do.
But do not feel like you are a bad wife. You are trying to make do with what you got and working with it. I know it is hard not to feel like you are being neglectful or a bad wife, but there are other ways. You just need to find something else other than whoopy to please him with... there are a few out there and see if he is open to "exploring". I had to do this with my hubby, and I have found a couple of other things that he likes and works for him for when I am not in the mood for whoopy.
Emma - I cannot and have never been able to get on top. Way more pain then it is worth and my legs and hips do not work that way and never have.
This is a huge issue for any couple that has to deal with a chronic illness. While we can say very gently and very lovingly, not tonight dear, I have an mtx hangover, does not mean that the partner will not take it as a personal affront. Sometimes we just have to explain over and over that it isn't that you aren't attracted to your partner, it's that you PHYSICALLY can not perform the act of sex itself. There are other options of pleasing your partner and your partner pleasing you. There are also pillows and wedges you can use to prop up those certain swollen and sore RA parts.
It is frustrating when our partners respond negatively to the word no for sex. I wonder if it some of it is frustration about the disease itself and their inability to do anything for you and about it. That frustration comes out as anger.
I also do injectable mtx and sometimes it will make me nauseous. Have you talked to your doc about getting something for the nausea? I hate being nauseous.
Hang on there and dig down together to find out why he reacted the way he did. It might go much deeper than any of us think.
Phatgirl-please don't turn this into an argument. I read this in an advice column in the Detroit News. I know it sounds sexist, but I thought the writer had a point. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing it-I just want to roll over and go to sleep, but I go along because I love my husband and sometimes it's give and take, ya know? Of course, If your sick that's another story. Didn't mean to offend.Emma,
I am not turning this into an argument....She clearly stated she was sick. This isn't your normal give and take. Your post sucks and I stick by it.
We all know what it is like to have to turn down intimacy when we don't feel well. This isn't about love or rejection, it is simply about not feeling well. Nothing more, nothing less. I think finding an adequate balance is difficult even when there isn't a chronic illness.
Emma, Your post was insensitive and rude. I'm not changing my mind about that. If you find that argumentative, more power to ya.
Lori
I think he is being insenstive to you and your feelings and illness.
You clearly told him you did not feel well and he knows it. He owes you an apology. If he is angry that you did not respond that is his problem. How much clearer can you be. Maybe he will get the picture next time......wait until you are better and your love life will be better. Or next time suggest a massage to relax you and your body and then maybe you might be in the mood.
My hubbie has waited about 6 weeks to "Get Some" because he knows I am not well. But when I am well, I make it up to him.
Marriage is a give and take. Remind him of the "sickness & health" part of your vows you took.
I certainly agree that a healthy sex life make for a happy marriage; and marriage certainly is give and take; but being practically forced to make love when you are in pain and sick to your stomach is absolutely unreasonable!
It's just kindof a given in my house that Saturday nights and for the most part Sunday's are out of the question for anything romantic. (I take my MTX on Saturday nights.....and did take my Humira then too)Well; I shouldn't say that because I think when my husband brings me some ginger ale and babies me because I'm not feeling well; is one of the most romantic things I can think of.
Making love is a huge part of my marriage and it connects me and my husband in a way that we both crave.....but at times it takes a back seat to other things in our lives. My health is certainly one of them. If I was made to feel like I "Had to do it" to keep him happy it would certainly take a great deal of the pleasure out of it for me. The "Get on top and fake" it advise certainly isn't good for me.....or my husband for that matter. Some men may certainly enjoy sex with a partner when they aren't interested.....but my husband isn't one of those men. Thank goodness!
When we hurt and are sick and tired we dont do a lot of things that are part of our married lives, we rest up and wait til we feel better.Having sexual relations with our husbands has to be the same.If we go ahead and do it anyway it makes for a lot of resentment and hurt.There certainly are ways of doing it but to fake it isnt one of them.Thats lying and wont solve anything in the long term. We live now by quality rather than quantity, and quantity could be twice a year.No my husband isnt a "has been" lol , just a very patient 46 year old an who really does understand.You need to talk everything through being totally honest . Cuddles and hugs might not be the full story but they go a long way to making someone feel they are still loved and wanted.I think sometimes they do feel neglected and I guess I get so focused on my pain and pain episodes, that I can tend to forget his needs don't go away.
I will be more mindful of that and express to him more openly when I just don't have the energy to do things. I have, but sometimes I don't want to make him think I am pushing him away.
There are so many things and ways to show I love him and desire him...I will be more proactive in those areas when I am not feeling well.
Thanks again...I do feel better...Roblyn
Roblyn,
You have a great attitude! Your husband is lucky to have you. It is so hard to balance everything out....It really takes a lot of effort to ensure that he feels the love that you have for him. I'm glad you feel better.
Lori