I finally made the decision of what to do about mother. Today was the clencher as she was her vile and nasty self and I thought to myself after I dropped her off for a perm...I would rather be beaten or put up with the way my ex fiance' was to me than to put up with the verbal abuse I have to endure daily now. If she wants to whine and cry and complain and gripe that I do not do anything for her and many other things she says to me, she needs to save her breath and complaining for the folks at the nursing home cause I am done!
SO the time has come for me to find out the exact amount of money it takes for this house each month and then go from there. Jobs around here are slim and none....so I dunno what I am going to do but if I do nto do something she will have me in the psych ward and she is not worth it, so I try to remain focused and strong.
She will either have to go to a nursing home or me to an apartment (grumble). I know that she cannot take care of this house on her own, heck she doesn't even bathe anymore and if I so much as mention it she says I am being abusive to her.I just cannot believe this, she is one mentally ill woman I guess.. IT just is not healthy for me to live under these circumstances any longer.
I will need strength and encouragement and a few prayers cause this is not going to be easy.I am just in so much pain and so exhausted both mentally and physically that I am hoping I can make it happen.
jode
Oh Jode, I'm sorry to hear things are so bad for you and your family still.
Does your Mother own the house you are living in with her? If you aren't working now what source of income do you have?
What about your daughter? Will she be moving with you?
Jode, I am so sorry it has come to this but I am glad you are taking the initiative to do what you know you need to do. It will be better for everyone once you aren't living together. You need to take care of yourself right now. I am very proud of the courage you have. My prayers are with you through this whole process!
I hope you can find the solution, it will so much improve everything.
Wishing you the best!!!
Jode, I think it is a brave and wise decision. Sometimes loving a person is letting them live with the consequences of their actions. I know that this will be really hard for you.
Here's a couple of links that might help you:
http://www.aoa.gov/prof/aoaprog/caregiver/carefam/carefam.as p
Jode,
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Is there a possibility of getting your mom on some medication/s that might calm her a bit? Good luck with your decisions!
Lori
Lori's suggestion is good because they did have to do that with my grandmother who was living with my parents. Sometimes, elderly people have mental conditions that develop just like they do at any age. However, they can be very resistance to treatment. In that case, you might have to get medical power of attorney over her.
But already sounds like you are fighting a terrible battle on two fronts. You need to take care of yourself first, then you can help your mom and your daughter. But you can't help them or watch over them if you get worse. No matter how they treat you, they do still need you around and deep down they probably both know that. Do what is best for you. I believe that your caring heart will also do what is best for them and you will all live saner lives.
Hello everyone and thank you so much for your responses.
What a day.......my mother has calmed a bit and had better never say those things to me ever, and I do mean ever again! I was gone most of the day and also had to line up someone to plow the driveway whenever it snows like it did last night, we had drifts up past my waist in the drive.
THankfully I had claled my daughter at her bfriends house last night and told her just to stay there at his house cause the drive was snowed in, this morning her school was in sesion....unbelievably) and I coudl not get the car out of the garage and she said her bfriend could take her to school...also , this forces her to act like the 18 yr. old independent peron she has been griping at me to be.
After that I had not bought anything for my sis for Valentines Day ( we always buy eachother toys that we are saving up and using for grandkids), so I went to GoodWill and hit the bargain of a lifetime on BArbies and BRatz dolls along with FisherPrice figures for boys. They were so reasonably priced I bought all the packs of them and got about 8 dolls and 2 playsets and about 10 little cars for a mere .00.( One doll was stil in the package) What a bargain and she was thrilled beyond belief! While ther eI witness a man steal DVD's and game cartriges for some sort of playstation thingy and reported it but he had left before they could repremend it..next time I will just question the thief myself rather going to the cashier. I coudl not believe it...who steals from GOodwill?????????????? dork.
TOmorrow I will refigure expenses and average grocery money and see where it all stands. I do not work. My mom and my sis pay for the things I need. It is demeaning but yet at the same time there are days when I am not functional cause of the pain and lethargy. My elbow hurts so bad this evening I can barely type...not to mention my back and hands...oh well.
My daughter spends the magority of her time a ther bfriends' house and is typically here just on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights. SHe sleeps and does her laundry here and that is about it. She was sick 2 days this week so she is a bit behind on her projects at school.
Whenever someone goes out of their way to demean you or put you down or be very passive aggressive, it is not a good situation and you can only blame yourself for remaining under those circumstances. I will not be knocked around nor talked back to or disrespected in any regard by any family member or friend. If they are verbally abusive, steal or intend to do me harm, I am outta there. I am sick of being treated this way and will not allow it anymore even if that means that I live a horrible lifestyle.
Everyone here is absolutely right. I am so glad that you ar ebeing supportive of me.
Mother will be going back to the Dr. tomorrow, my sis is taking her and the main objective is to get her meds straightened around. She is on too many meds but when we reduce them worse things occur. She needs to be in a facility. She owns the house and I am not sure what will happen, I am hoping to keep the house somehow, afterall it is cheaper than rent and I have 2 years of hard work already invested in the yard, painting and redecorating and redoing the baths with my next project working more on the finished basement and completing my bed and bathroom. I had to walk away from one house I helped Tim build and decorate and there is noway I will walk away from this house after all the work I have done on this one!!!!!!!!!!! I am tired, I am supposed to be enjoying my life!
I miss my dog too! (pathetic aren't I?)
Jode
joddjrr
I have been where you are and it is horrible I spent at least 50 of my 58 years on earth trying to please a woman who would not be pleased. She was addicted to all kinds of prescription meds....and my dad died 28 years ago which left me and my twin sister to deal..Pattys job took her to North Carolina and that left me. She passed away at 89 and the years before her death were very hard...she would not take care of herself, she insisted on living alone..one year both my husband and I were ill.....me with pneumonia and Ron with the flu and she called screaming about how awful we were that it was Thanksgiving and she was only having a bread sandwich.....she finally had to be put in a Nursing Home because she was so stubborn so addicted that we had to bring in Adult Protevtive.
She blamed me till the day she passed on and now I am left with guilt and anger and sadness because until that day and still I am unsure of the fact that she ever loved me.
My advice such as it is is to take care of yourself first....that is something I wished I had done...because if I had....maybe I could cope now with all these feelings
Take care and know that you will be in my prayers...I am here if you need me.
GOD BLESS
One thing to be careful of is what happens to the house. Be sure you check out the rules on that because my parents had to buy my grandmother's home at least 3 years before she went into a nursing facility in order for the state to not take it. I don't know if that applies if you are living there. It's legal stuff, but it's best to know what you are up against.
So sorry you are going through this and having such tough decisions to make.
Gramma, it is really awful when you never get that affirmation of love from a parent. I went 49 years without it and now my mom acts like she wants to be my best friend. But she has been something else in the past and I can never quite trust her. I understand the pain and guilt that goes along with that. But don't keep carrying that burden. You loved her in spite of how she treated you. You did the best you could. There is nothing more to do but live the best life that you can.
I think deep down that they do love us but somehow they've lost the ability to communicate it. For instance, I'm sure that my kids' dad loves them but everything he does demonstrates otherwise. It is very confusing for them. And, the hurt goes deep. I cannot fix it for them, only offer comfort and let them know that I do love them no matter what. Gravitate to those people in your life that give you that.
For a time, my aunt became like a mother to me until she passed away. My uncle on the other side of the family has become like the father I never had. Let these kind of people in your life to fill that terrible ache that is left behind.
Thank you all so much, it has been quite a process. Since I gave her the ultimatum of either be kind ( as her religious past has dictated) or we will have to make other arrangements. Period. I am not up to the head games and have quite a burden on my shoulders and we can either make life easy, or we can make life difficult. All this worsens whenever I date and I have been going out lately and I am sure it irritates her. She expects me to only want to help her but I have to tell you that I am allowed to have a life of my own!She can be very overburdensome and quite controlling but that just doesn;t work for me......I ignore that part, perhaps I don't value her opinion like she thinks I should.
My sis tells me to get out more forcing her to be more independent so I will be doing that as well. My sis and I agreed that I would make sure there is always healthy food available ( and there always has been, cannot tell you how much I have tossed out because nobody eats it) and that the food is inline with a diabetic diet. Also, that there is a clean environment ( always has been ) and that she has clean clothes, money for ordering in and just try to keep her comfortable. Neither of us want to place her in a facility ( we have both worked in one) so we will try our best and also look into assistance in the home.
This is a lot of emotional and physical work folks. I certainly hope not all of you have to ever go through this cause it is not only mind bending but very physically and emotionally demanding.
As time goes by we can make arrangements. My sis and bro-in-law will take over the house so that problem is solved and my job for now... (lol)....will be to keep my sanity for my daughter and myself and to find a rich, compassionate man with a home in a warm climate! *chuckling*
Why oh why do I feel so darned old????????
jode
Deanna
Thank you for your kind words i try to let go but then some little thing happens and it is all in my face again. It helps that you understand.
God Bless
Jode - do you have respite care or something similar in the States. It is a day care facility for the elderly where they can go either for a few hours or a few days a week to give the caregivers a break. I do not know the details but if there is such a programme it apparently works out well, they have entertainment often at the care centre & even a few hours break would be a help for you. Others on the board will know if this exists where you are & will fill you in on details.