Hey Guys,
My house is a wreck inside and out. My husband and daughter are both hoarders and they keeping getting more stuff!
When we first bought this house in 98 I was well.
My ra is so that doing the dishes and sweeping the floor is my limit, and thats on good days.
My house looks like a tornado hit it. Stuff piled everywhere. I got industrious or stupid right before Christmas, and boxed up several boxes planning to carry them down to my cluttered, piled up basement( it really is horrid) well I had a big flare that i'm still reeling from, so the boxes still sit among the dirt and clutter in my living room/kitchen.
My family won't hear of throwing anything away.
Outside my house there is a huge bare spot filled with holes where there should be grass. My sewer had backed up a year ago and had to be dug up so it was never filled in and is bare and need flattened out. The siding is visibly filthy and I have junk in the yard that needs carried to the dump.
When I ask my husband to help he generally balks up and says he does not like being told what to do...and if he agrees to do something he never gets around to it.
My daughter is to young at ten, to do what needs doing, but she does help where she can in daily chores.
I'm so frustrated that I can't just do it myself as in years past. My ra has caused my home to go to crap.
My question is...How would you guys deal with this?
Do I just ignore my living conditions?
I know some of you must be going thru the same thing..?
Please give me some advice because I'm ready to tackle it myself, and I know what the ramifications will be.
Anyway I would only make a dent before I flared. I am really not whining. I genuinely want advice.
Thank you, Ginni
Oh, I wish I had words of wisdom....I know my house isn't where I want it, but it is just me and the kids (skin babies and fur babies), so I don't have to worry about anyone keeping a bunch of stuff. I can throw it out
Hang in there! Lori Can you hire help? Perhaps a stay at home mom you know or a college kid could use some extra money. Work while daughter and husband are out, giving junk to charity right away. I'm sure you can expect some screaming when you are discovered. Maybe you could even sell some of the junk, and buy something 'extra special' for your family. Like a mini trip! I know it is rotten but I can't get my husband to wear clothes and shoes that are new until I pitch the old holey stuff. He wears everything completely out or it will hang in the closet until it turns to dust. Hey Ginni, Just a thought: Do you have friends or relatives that can come and give you a hand around the place for a little while? Being a man myself, I would be embarrassed and ashamed to see someone else at MY house, cleaning up MY mess. I might be a little upset with you for having someone over doing this, but I sure wouldn't let it happen again. I certainly don't see your concern for your predicament as whining. You want essential things done around your house and you're simply not able to do them through no fault of your own. We all know, the frustration of not being able to do simplist of things, is hard to deal with. I truly hope things get better for you before they get worse. Two things to keep in mind: DUST PROTECTS THE FURNITURE A CLEAN HOUSE IS THE SIGN OF A WASTED LIFE Those are jokes, but to a certain degree I believe the second phrase. When I am lying on my death bed looking back at my life, I don't want the thing I treasure most from life is that I always had a clean house! You learn to let go, don't sweat the small stuff, and use your daily energy, or spoons, in the manner that benefits you the most. Getting help from your kids and hubby requires a bit of manipulation. A blanket statement of go clean your room, or nagging usually doesn't work for me. But if I start a project myself, and then say, hey could you come here and give me hand, I have never been turned down. With my kids I always tolerated a good bit of clutter and mess in their rooms. It's their space and I try to respect that. But if I wanted them to really deal with it, I would suggest we go in there together and come up with a plan of what needs to be done. Small manageable goals - like pick up all the legos and put them in this container. Little bites are much easier to swallow for them - the enormity of a job can overwhelm kids (and adults, honestly) and they won't even try. Teaching them to do it a little at a time helps. It also helps to make it fun - "I challenge you to fill this trash bag up to the top in three minutes", "How many stuffed animals can you throw into this basket from behind this line" or whatever. You get the idea! For the grass, I would enlist hubby's help, and get your daughter involved. My kids always loved working in the yard when they were young, and a rotary spreader for spreading grass seed is like the coolest thing in the world for a kid to use. Watering the grass seed in can be made fun with a water fight or two. My husband always enjoyed teaching the kids how to do things, maybe yours will too. You can be the side-line cheerleader, with the garden hose hidden behind her back, LOL! I think you get the idea. No one wants to be given a list of chores to go off and do alone, especially if someone is nagging you to do them. But we women have our ways of manipulation and motivation - and jobs go much faster when you have company. Oh I forgot the other tactic - "I was thinking it might be fun to have a party - who would you like to invite over for a game night." Then of course the house has to be cleaned up for the party, so if everyone has that goal. . . Then the party can be kept simple, order a pizza, preorder food from a local restaurant, etc. so you don't have to worry about cooking. I am a neat freak, and I enjoy cleaning, so I would be going insane from your description. I know, I have an illness other than RA, I have to have the tidy and I work at it. My basement is still a shambles but I really do try to keep up with everything else, I hate...HATE clutter and my mom and daughter are both slobs so I get a bit neurotic about it at times. I would put my foot down and just tell them like it is. Other than that I do not know cause my ex husband and my ex fiance' were like me, everything is tidy and mostly organized. Although you would not view me as that if you could see my closet right now cause I am still sorting through boxes from the move of my mom, my daughter and myself. Maybe someone else has some good suggestions. Jode I'm like you Jode..I'm a neat freak. I don't enjoy cleaning, but I don't like a messy house. Ginni...sounds like you're not going to get much help from your husband. If you can afford it, I'd say your best bet is to pay to have someone get this under control. Sounds like it's way too much for you to do on your own. If money is an issue, do you have anyone close to you that would come and give you a hand with it? Thanks for all your advice, it helped put alot in perspective. Bingethinker thanks for a man's point of view. Marion, Hillhoney, Micheleb, ninilchicken, Jode, Kelstev, Cassie thanks for your input { I wish could hire some help, but not possible...no family either }. Pammy416 you had the best advice of all! Your right on .."Get a man in"its the only way I will ever get any help. It seems that my husband has completely different work ethics as me, and it took me getting to this point in my health to realize that, I've always been doing everything myself. It just took awhile of not being able to do much that I could see it. I even fixed the leaky toilets, etc. Can't do those things anymore. Wish I could. Even after my labor and childbirth 10 years ago. My husband said "I'm just as tired as you are!" Thanks, Ginni Oh, I remember the having the house clean before hubby got home from work. I was a germ-a-phobe, I am now recovering. I do have days when I sit in my bed thinking of all the germs in my house. Hubby does not clean house much. If he does do anything it is when he gets tired of looking at it. Me, I have tried to clean house, and it always ends up with me in tears, yelling & screaming, and freaking out, from pain, frustration, and because I cannot clean like I use to. I just gave up. I have decided if hubby and daughter do not care about the house, then I should not either. But on good days, I do try to do some cleaning. Might not look like I did some by the weeks end but at least I know I did do it and no one else appreciates it, just like the old days.
My house is no where as clean as it used to be and it used to totally bother me but I have learned to put up with a lot of stuff I never thought I could since getting sick.
I agree, if you can afford it hire a maid just to get caught up than maybe have them come in just every once in a while to do the bigger stuff.
Another thought, I realize your daughter is only 10 but maybe see if you can guide her in some of the lighter stuff like dusting and picking up and reward her doing extra chores by taking her to her favorite place for lunch and maybe a movie of her choice?
My mother got me a plaque that I put on the wall just as you walk in the door "A clean house is the sign of a dull woman". I'm sure it has hurt my MIL feelings, their house is pure white, walls, carpet, furniture, bedding, nothing is ever out of place, but it's hurt mine to have her come for a visit and immediately start cleaning.
Her 2nd son, my DH is a hoarder, (most likely from a neurotic childhood) he saves everything and spreads it out over the house. He has actually started to panic if he thinks I'm throwing out his stuff. I try to keep the main floor picked up, the upstairs and basement are ghastly. When I ask him to clear off the couches, he'll get around to it before the weekend, when someone usually stops by and they need a place to sit.
I leave the vacuum in the middle of the floor to make it appear that I was interupted in the middle of cleaning, and no one has ever said, "Hey isn't that the same spot it was in week ago". I love it when the house is cleaned up, but the depressing truth about it is that it never lasts.
You are better off taking care of yourself, than stessing your family and yourself over a clean house. I gave up on it a long time ago.
I also have a poem on the wall, that begins "Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow", so tomorrow was 18 years ago, you don't want your daughter's most indelible memory of her childhood to be your stress over a clean house. My DH stongest memory of childhood is of he, his dad and brothers waiting in the car to leave while his mom was wiping out the last ashtray, so it could be perfect when they came back.
Deidre
Also pace yourself all the time. I do one thing, sit down & rest & then do something else & so on. Is there someone who would listen to your husband if they explained your concern, sometimes they will listen better to a third party who isnt so involved.
Good luck.
Get a man in! Just do it. When he complains about the cost or having someone else do it just let him know that it needs to be done whether he like to be told what to do or not. Thats life. If he is going to act like a stubborn kid then just get it done. He might not be so stubborn next time.
and just cannot stand that now. Now that I'm working 40 hours a week, you
can bet your biffy my husband it helping out. He is a good help though and
readily gets up and does whatever it takes to help keep this place in order. I
would say, if you can afford it, hire it done. But hopefullly your husband
understands your desire to have a clean, neat house without all the clutter
and hopefully he will help clean it up. OMG your'e singing my song. My house is a mess. My husband doesn't help at all because it doesn't bother him. I want to hire a cleaning company but I'm too embarrassed for them to see my dust/disorganization. Prior to being sick my house was just fine. I just can't keep it up. Every weekend I make a promise to myself to clean the house but I can't. I think I'm going to start upstairs which isn't usual for me. My downstairs is presentable, but the upstairs isn't. So, If I start up there, I can hopefully close a door when I'm done and go to another room on another day. Hopefully I can get the house ready to hire someone. A friend with lupus had someone come in for 2 hours a week with housecleaning - she got so exhausted packing everything into plastic bags & putting them into the garage before the help arrived to make her house look tidy she gave the help up because she couldnt find anything as it was always in the garage in the plastic bags. That always makes me laugh.
I have to admit when I have cleaning help I try & tidy beforehand - kind of defeats the purpose really. It's the paper stuff that gets me in a mess - any helpful suggestions for newspapers, junk mail, magazines, books etc.What is this word "clean" that you speak of?
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