Brett can be the sweetest man you ever met. Yesterday he was a monster. His mood swings are getting worse. I know the night before he wanted sex, and I had a headache from Humira. In fact, I still have a headache but my body is feeling way better. I don't know if it is the Humira or the sunny weather. Anyway, he went to sleep in a pout and woke up yesterday and he was mean to everyone. Bitching about how he does everything, he can't take it anymore, and mean to everyone including the animals. I slept on the couch. Today I woke up with a phone call from his friend in S. Oregon asking if he had left yet. I guess he is going down there. RA and a moody hubby just do not go together. The guilt is tremendous. I feel like it is all because of my RA. I had the caseworker here the other day and he said I would be getting help. Maybe that will make a difference but I have to say, I wish my marriage had not started the same time as my RA. It is so hard to live with. It makes me feel so insecure. I am trying to not take responsibility for his behavior but I can't help but feel that he got ripped off and he deserves to have his needs met. Never in my life have I had problems with my sexuality. I rarely feel good enough to have sex and with my wrists hurting - even the simplest of sex acts are hard. Anyone having similar problems in their relationship.?????
sorry you are havin a rough time Roxy. Have you guys considered marriage couslining? It might help Brett realize what is going on. Or even talk to him just you and him about what is going on and what is bothering him. I have the same thoughts w/ the sexual part of my marriage also. Its hard yes but we cant change what is going on with us. We just need to be open and honest w/ our partners. I went though this stage that i was going to do things for him even though i wasnt feeling up to it. Well i was finally honest to him about that and it made a huge difference in our relationship. He is also slowly starting to come around w/ understanding what i am going through. Does he have his moments when he doesnt? sure, but hes a man and well stubborn at times and well you know how they can be ;) Not sure if any of that helps at all, but hope it did and slightly made a little bit of sense lol
Shannon
Roxy, sorry you're going through this. I, too, rarely feel well enough for sex and I do feel the guilt you're talking about. My husband has been very understanding about it. I am not working right now (applying for disability) and the money situation is where he shows his frustration. Just try to remember that it's the RA that is to blame not you. I agree with kelsaysmommy - open, honest communication is key. You are in my prayers.Hi Roxy
Sorry to hear you are having a bad time. Maybe Brett feels the RA is taking you away from him.Dont feel guilty though as that will help nobody. You need to really talk to him and make him see that its not because you dont love him or want him its because you are not physically able to show it.You both need to give the humira time to settle down as well. None of us when we hurt want to have sex, brett isnt getting ripped off, he has a lovely , caring and devoted wife who is going through a rough time.If the Humira kicks in and helps there should be so much more you will be able to do with each other.Its all about patience. Keep smiling RoxyWhy do we always feel so guilty when we do not feel like having sex? We have a perfect right not to feel like it. The fact that they act like a spoiled two year old is their problem. And to make my hubby smile anyway, I always tell him that I will certainly lend him a helping hand.
I know everyone does not feel up to it but I take the approach to just some how FIND away to do it. Use different positions, pillows, ANYTHING.
I don't mean to be insensitive. But most marriages can't handle the lack of sex for very long. You can have all the communication you want but that won't eliminate his need. JUST DO IT and then you don't have to feel guilty any longer.Oh no I think thats so awful to feel you have to do it so you dont feel guilty. I just asked my hubby and he said he would rather I felt well and wanted to rather than felt I had to, to keep him quiet. There are times when pillows and positions arent enough.Theres not a thing you can do about a body screaming in pain or so fatigued that you can lift a finger let alone any other body parts.I would like to hope that some part of you WANTS to do it.
I am just speaking from my own experience. I have been through long periods when I didn't feel like doing it because of pain and depression. My relationship with my husband suffered terribly and only added to the problems. I have since learned that the more I do it the better I feel overall and the more I want to do it again and again....
I think sometimes women in long term relationships fall into a rut (like I did) and the longer you go without sex the less you need it.
Keep the spark ALIVE. You will have a much more fulfilling life.
Not trying to step on anybody's toes here because I know sometimes it is impossible-but be honest with yourself. I know there were times I have used arthritic pain as an excuse to avoid sex. I am not saying this is your case roxy-just speaking from what I have learned.
Hessalina, sometimes you can't "just do it". When it hurts to even move, it's pretty difficult to even find a position that works. I know there are many times when I am in such pain, all I can do is lay down in bed and try not to move at all.
I thank God that my precious husband is so sensitive to how I feel. He says he doesn't want to if it is going to hurt me. Even when I try to , and I don't tell him I'm in too much pain, he KNOWS. (Bless his heart) I know I've got one-in-a-million.
If you can go ahead and do it just to satisfy HIS need, I'm very happy for you. I wish I could do that. But if you end up suffering for it for 2 days, is it really worth it for anybody?
ROXY- I'm so sorry you are going through this. When I first came on this forum, I remember you talking about Brett. He was so good to you back then. I guess some people are just too self-centered to be able to care about their partners well-being. I agree that perhaps marriage counseling might help. Do you think you could get him to go?
Take care. You are doing nothing wrong! He didn't get "ripped off". We marry "for better or for worse" and "in sickness and in health". If the tables were turned, think about how you would treat him. I'm sure you would be much more sensitive to how he feels than he is to you.
You are in my prayers,
Nini
hessalina- Think about your worst RA day, where it hurts to move, it hurts to do anything. Are you telling me that you would still do whatever it takes to satisfy your husband? Yes I feel bad that there are alot of times that i cant do the things my husband wants but you better belive he would rather want me doing those things because i can do them and i want to do them rather then doing it because he wants it no matter what. I got blasted a while back for saying that women should have sex sometimes even if they are not up for it physically or emotionally. I partake frequently when I would rather be sleeping. I figure it's important to my husband, so I make an extra effort. I sometimes worry he'd go elsewhere for sex-although he swears he never would. My best advice to you is to get a porn movie-i kno i kno- but it gets them so hot so fast that it's over pretty quick and they're happy! It has worked for many before/after me. When my body is in horrible pain I noticed that a hot shower/ bath (we have a walk in with seats) interupted the pain signals for me. I then began to invite hubby and that made it easier for me and hubby loves the interesting venue. It was a way that I figured out to keep us both from being unhappy.Thanks you guys good advice. I am sure Brett would love the porn and I would love the shower. Brett is not into quickies or that would be no problem usually, he wants wild, adventurous, passionate -GEEEEEEEEEEESH OH But we could leave the romance out - that is just for me
Here we are again as co dependents ....DO NOT LET HIM bring you down. It is not your fault. Co dependents are always too quick to take the blame....if you want to blame...if Brett is thinking about leaving enough to call his friend...why didnt he talk just talk to you and talk through the issue.
Please think about the fact that you did not ask for this damn disease and your the one in terrific pain and such....not him
God Bless my husband...he is sooooooooo patient and understanding.
Take care honey and DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF so easily
I had clearly stated in my previous post that there are times I know it is impossible to have sex. I am not denying anybody that.