I am now on my second marriage since RA. The difference in my first husband and my second are like night and day. Once I recovered from the break up from my first marriage I began to realize that although I still had RA my stress level was dramatically lowered and there fore my health improved. I still struggle at times with my health; but having a partner who shares the struggles with you and who is supportive and caring makes a world of difference. I never advise anyone to get a divorce but; a friend of mine who was older and wiser than me said this to me when I was crying on her couch after the break up of that first marriage: "I'd rather be alone than wish I was" and it finally dawned on me how true those words were. I didn't ralize how long I had lived unhappy due to a bad marriage. Counciling can be very helpful to couples dealing with a chronic illness such as RA. Life for all involved changes. Someone might be able to help you both deal with the changes. Don't wait.....start early before things get too far out of hand and there's no turning back. I really do believe there eventually comes a point of no return. I hope that you two have not pasted that point yet. Wishing the best for you. Dear Trinity, It is hard to deal with this 'stuff' with lots of support and I'm sorry your husband can't give that to you. (right now or maybe not ever?) Your body slim and beautiful was imp to him. You sound like a lovely person, with your RA and nothing has changed except this dumb disease. We don't want to have it, but it is a challenge to keep it under control. I hope you can find the right meds and work on whatever is imp to YOU (taking off weight is the HARDEST thing to do) A lot of people with this disease are overweight because we have a hard time exercising, moving around and eating is always 'fun'. I got out of the hospital and weighed 107, my husband kept saying 'you look great', GREAT??? I felt awful and thought I looked awful. I've gained 10 lbs, and would like to try to take some of that back off, but it is so hard. Prednisone makes me want to eat all of the time!! and retain water. (diuretics help) I just try everyday. Good luck . Sarah Dear trinity, YOu sound overwhelmed with all those meds it would seem you are on the right track. Perhaps, mixing them all together is making you feel tired. Your little one is a wonderful treat and I'm sure she/he is a lovely child. YOU are so smart to take good care of this little one, and that's enough for people like us who have this nasty disease. I had a bad day yesterday and slept in the morning, took a nap at noon and slept until 5am this morning. This is more sleep than usual for me, but I guess I needed it. You must carry on with your baby, no matter how you feel. I hope you can review all those meds with your doctor it seems like a lot to me. I don't take sleeping pills or pain pills even though my doctors offered them. Prednisone worked for me. 15mgs. Keep writing and let us know how you are doing, you have a big job there. Stress and all just makes this all worse. Good luck Sarah Trinity, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Counseling would be a very good idea. I didn't have RA when I went through my divorce, it was for other reasons, but my ex always treated me well. I've been with my second husband for 7 years and I also was very small and very active when we met. Up until last year he told me I was "too scrawny". I'm 10 lbs. over what I want to be but that doesn't matter to him as much as it does to me. I think what bothers him more is that I can't do the things I use to. Hiking, kayaking, walking, etc. My RD says that I will be able to do those things again. The whole "trophy wife" thing bothers me so much. My husband felt that way too in a way, but he's gotten over it real fast. The way I feel is if my guy can't be here for me and give me the support I need to get through this life then it's his loss. I want to spend my energy doing the things I can do, like fighting this disease. Be strong, Trinity. We're here for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think counselling is an excellent idea if your hubby is willing. I also think that the wedding vows idea of AlleyCat's is not bad!! Gentle hugs. Trinity, I am so sorry that you are going through all these troubles in addition to the RA. Like Lovie, I am on my second husband since getting sick (had the FMS before the second marriage, got the RA right after) and it is like night and day. I think my second husband understood what he was getting into. If you get sick after you're already in the marriage, your spouse has to go through the grieving process and not all of them face it head on. I don't know how willing your husband is to go to counselling, but that would really be worth it. Another possibility is if he's willing to read a book...a really great one for him would be Beyond Chaos: One Man's Journey Alongside His Chronically Ill Wife by Gregg Piburn. It might help him understand better and give you both some ideas on how to deal with it as a couple. Maybe you could even read it together. I hope it all works out for you, whatever way that it is meant to be. HI Trinity It looks like I might be able to relate to you a bit. I was diagnosed in the fall of 02. I didnt know what was happening to me. The RA started right after having pluerisy for 3 months off and on. I started with nodules on my elbows that hurt to the touch. I went to the doctor and they first said they'd never seen that before and jokingly said maybe your growing another bone out of your arm. Yeah very funny!!! I was getting scared by this time and always looking to my husband for comfort or answers or just something!!! He'd say, "there aint nothing wrong with you". Your just a hypochondriac. Okay I started thinking that maybe I was overdoing it a bit by going to the doctor so much. But I couldnt be a overdoing it, I dont feel right. I feel like Im getting the flu or have the flu and it just hasnt gone away yet. Im dizzy, I hurt, my hands are swelling and my foot feels like someone hit it with a ball bat. This is also what I told my husband, didnt phase him at all. I was sent to the hospital for blood tests and they came back positive for RA. RA???? That's and elderly person's disease,( at the time I didnt know anyone could get it) OMG!! It's crippling too!!!! Well I told my husband and still it didnt seem to phase him at all but I was scared am I always going to feel this way?? Hurting, sleeping, tired, not able to walk good. Is my life the way I knew it gone forever?? My husband never went to any doctor appts with me he just asked me when I came home, if "my bones still hurt". I would say yea, thinking --my bones, yea right he doesnt even listen to me when I explain him what RA really is. My husband said to me one day when I was complaining how bad I hurt that I better be glad that I have RA because some people dont have arms and legs and they really have pain and they still get through life. And be thankful that I dont have cancer or anything life threatening. He also has told me to suck it up and take it like a man. I have a disablity sign for my car. I just got it the other day and he thinks it's a joke cause he says I dont even try to walk any sort of distance because im lazy. He mentioned our neighbor lady who is crippled and doesnt walk well doesn't even have one and I do!!! I really have a hard time walking long distances even in grocery stores I have to have a cart to hold on to because it feels like I may fall if I don't. Im 45 years old and I didnt think I would be in this shape either. I just couldn't believe that I married and man for "better or worse" that would treat me like this when it came down to the "worse". I decided to go on the internet and learn as much as possible about this disease as I could. I went to the doctor regularly and started taking all that medicine which made me sick in the beginning but I got through it. I started to feel better. It will probably take a while and maybe alot of different meds to find the right mix. But it will happen and you will feel much better. Yes and you will gain a few pounds due to the prednisone. I'd rather gain a few pounds than be in pain daily. We don't have much conversation except that we did decide to finally seperate which I think will be best. I felt so lonely at times dealing with this disease and Im sure many more to come but each day I thank god for getting me through and keeping me strong. I have my kids whom I love dearly and agree that I will be much happier without him and i know they will always be there for me. Im so sorry you are going through this I just hope you can work it out. So, my answer to your question is yes in my case my marriage did fall apart partly due to RA. Are we the same people we used to be, but now we are disabled? (unless we've had this as children) I guess it is amazing that more people aren't splitting up! and that we can stand the change in our marriages. for 15 years I've needed to adjust my (and my familie's lives) I can't do nearly as much with them as I used to do. (especially now with the increased swelling and stiffness). My husband has found he can play golf with his buddies, but it isn't the same as playing with me (he says). Eveytime we do anything he worries is this TOO much, will I suffer the next day. How can we make it day to day without totally undoing ourselves? There is no perfect answer, but those of you on the forum have such good ideas. Please respond. Sarah momof3~I'm real sorry to hear your story Sweetie. Half way through reading that I said "I'd cut that jerk loose!" As hard as it may seem now; you're going to be much happier once it's all over with and settled. Remember what I said (Or my friend said anyway) "I'd rather be alone than wish I was" . Those words are so true. I wish you the best of luck as you make these changes in your life. Once you leave the stress of that relationship behind you will be amazed at how much better you'll feel. Happiness does so much toward our physical well being. InnGlow you are definately right about the difference between a first husband that married you well and ended up with a chronically ill wife and a Man that knew up fron that his wife wasn't well. That is a HUGE difference. I was hesitant to re-marry; but my current husband did his own research on RA so that he could learn the facts about what I'm facing. He told me "We'll face this uncertain future together" My first husband never even cared enough to read page one of any sort of information. He wasn't a complete jerk.....but I certainly didn't feel like I had a partner the way I do now with my current husband. There is definately a difference. Thank you so much for your replies! He called me from work alittle while ago and told me he was sorry. He asked me to be patience with him. He says he is going through stages of grief. I can accept that but damm I wish he wouldn't hurt my feelings. I think he is doing more grieving than me
Sandra [QUOTE=trinity2005]He says he is going through stages of grief. I can accept that but damm I wish he wouldn't hurt my feelings. I think he is doing more grieving than me
Sandra, I think you are exactly right that he is doing more grieving than you, and I think that may even be common. I don't know why....maybe we deal with it better because we can feel it. We read and we go to the doctor and we participate in on-line communities and we learn about it. It becomes part of us and a little less scary. Sometimes I think it can be harder to watch and not be able to do anything (especially for men who want problems they can "solve"...forgive me guys!) than to feel the pain itself. That doesn't excuse his behavior and I wish he wouldn't hurt your feelings either. It's very, very hard to be the "injured party" and to make allowances for the person who is not. Perhaps talking out loud about the grieving process will help and make it go a little faster/easier. I think the key is for both people to start feeling like this "happened to us" rather than it "happened to you". Hopefully he will start being part of the team. If not, you are a strong person, and although we may all need some assistance, in the important things, you can take care of yourself.
My husband knew up front that I could develop RA and could possibly be pretty bad off from it in the future. My maternal side of the family all suffers from it. As loving, kind, caring, and supportive as he is, we still go thru some difficult times. It is very frustrating to all of us that I hold our family back sometimes and there is some resentment there at times. Having a chronic illness and learning to accept that chronic illness often does follow the 7 stages of grief for the person with the illness and their spouse or significant other. The hard part of that is that we go thru those stages at different times and stay in those stages for a different amount of time. It takes incredible patience to learn to deal with this and accept this. I really hope you guys can work thru this. Maybe seeing a counselor that deals with chronic illness can help too. I like what Innerglow said about the disease "happening to us" instead of "happening to you". I'd been reading these posts thinking why, when I was diagonsed, did I begin to feel so worthless and useless in my life and marriage. I mean, if it had been my husband who'd been diagnosed with this, I would have been all over the internet trying to figure out how to help him. I wouldn't have dreamnt for a minute of leaving him. I love him and for better or for worse I'd be here for him. So, why wouldn't I expect the same from him? I'm kind of trying to figure some things out about myself and I think you just nailed it on the head. I've been thinking of this as MY disease instead of OUR disease. Trinity, the "lightbulb" just went off in my head so I'm taking some advice offered for you, for myself. That happens to me alot here.
I wrote a blog awhile back about how RA or any chronic illness affects not just the person that has the illness, but their loved ones that they are close to. I was talking to my husband one night about how a close friend of mine was having some marital issues with the RA and adjusting and coping and it was just like that "lightbulb" went off in my head too. I did a little research and talked to friends and they were like...ya know what...that is completely true. It isn't just MY disease...it is OUR disease. This even goes as far as affecting your kids too. Sometimes my girls will act out when they are upset about me having bad days and something gets cancelled or if I am just having a difficult time. I am in the process of designing some flyers and ribbons for RA awareness. The ribbons are free and I can make them with a magnetic back or a pin back. We need to get the word out there about our invisible illness!! I'd love to have a ribbon or something to bring awareness to this Rheumatoid Arthritis!! Honestly, it is even hard to sPell!!, It is surely hard to understand (how can your body do this to you???), and hard to treat (what works for one person doesn't for another), and their are some real 'quacks' out there treating people, so if this sounds complicated--it is!! Those of us who have found a way to 'get well', search through doctors and through meds.....what a challenge and good work! Be brave all. Sarah The disease can do so much damaging - pain, stiffness, crippling, bedridden, family drift. On personal and family members - stress, uncertainty, fear, doubt, coping with changing situation and personality with conflicts and angers etc.. Twenty years ago, I had 3 - 4 flares in a year and each flare lasted weeks if not months bedridden. The worst was immobility, muscles spasms, tendons pulling and excruciating pain lay groaning in bed throughout each night till early in the morning. Any slight movement would heighten the pain. Super meds and injections were useless and not working as before. In the early stages of the disease, two aspirins would work to control pain. At later stage, when prescribed meds couldn't work and the pain was so intense that I would take five or more aspirins. The effect made me weak, dizzy and my heart beated faster yet still painful. My wife was perturbed and stressed each night that she could not sleep with me beside the bed groaning. Life was upside down because the disease had caused much stress and anxiety to members of the family. Further the members of family could not understand fully the damaging effects of the disease. I could do nothing because the disease had interfered and affect my family. The turning point was I explored and found this herb, lingzhi from libraries and met a Tibetan in Trade Exhibition, who could supply me very limited quantity of WILD LINGZHI. My belief in this herb and determination to fight the disease continuously and finally came into reality. Apart of this Wild Lingzhi, I also started to build up awareness of good and bad natural foods. I would also abstain from canned/presversed/oily foods and dairy products. I would avoid acidic fruits. I also had completely discarded all MEDS and DRUGS. They are no more saviours/miracle drugs for pain. They are no no for me because I do not need them any more. Nature help me to expel the disease and throw away meds and give me back the normal life. Once the major problem is solved, everthing is in place and in good harmony. It is all about belief and mindset. To many they think unilaterally that only medical science can. Then I think they miss hope and opportunity. Rheumatoid Arthritis: Is nasty stuff. You can never stop fighting 'it' and somehow we need to find a way to convince those around us that this is REAL, we can't do without the drugs, we can't (we would not take them if we didn't need to) We don't know what the next day will bring and the waiting for each 'try' of a drug makes you crazy. Keeping quiet (my husband asked me how I felt today and I said 'fine' , but he knew I wasn't fine I was jsut sick of complaining!!). It is hard to explain...... sarah Another thing: The not being able to do things! , is getting both of us down...My husband wants me to join in his life, join in going out and doing things, but I can't right now. How to esplain the time-needed for the drugs to work when I don't know my self? When will it be? How long? or if ever? It is very draining. sarah hurts, you have to convince and know yourself whether is REAL. I am telling you a fact of life. To believe or not you have to do all the home work to explore, search, find, use natural foods to be able to understand. I too had such mindset before NO DRUGS CANNOT SURVIVE. Later I proved it wrong. I have not taken any drugs for almost 20 (twenty) years. Those who climbed the peak of Hilmaya are rare few. They take years to keep fit and many practices but they have one desire to achieve. All the years of hard work not relying on others but themselves - sheer determination. Many cannot do it! In fact very difficult for you and others to apprehend. Because you have never experienced the curing effect of nature but only meds at best, control the pain temporary. I emerged from meds and know what meds' limitations. Nature not only provides a cure but also restores healthiness if you explore and find the right cords. As long as there is no alternative and choice, you have to rely and faithfully dependant on meds. The difference is I can do away with meds yet I can expel the disease and stay healthy
In my past experience, when there was an onset meds and the disease would cause pain, fear, uncertainty, dispair and all the negative effects. All these would cross my mind and to be felt more depress. My weak body was a slave to the meds and disease with no resistance. Bedroom relationship never came to my mind but anxiety. For almost 20 years from a "sick & weak cat" I have nurtured to a "healthy & powerful tiger" and an amourous lover. Later I came to understand that Wild Lingzhi was used as precious matrimonial gift for young couple in thousand years ago to have more children. Wow! a superb herbs for chronic diseases and also can be used as aphrodisiac. No wonder the tibetans take the herb often to climb Himalaya. Thank you again for everyone's kind and caring replies. Everyone is right this horrible disease is happening to "us" not just me. I have had a hard time trying to explain to my older children why I can't do some of the things I used to do. Thank you again. Sandra Cassie, Thankyou for that excellant description of Aspergers. It is true, many relationships are destroyed due to Aspergers. It is a most difficult life for individuals living with soemone with Aspergers....they are extremely, and I do mean extremely intelligent but do lose focus on social and family issues. jode I think what happens is people jsut get worn out. We can't keep up ourselves with the daily, meds, doc apptments, sorting out the drugs (do they work, how many to take?) What's next? What makes us hurt? What doesn't? Is it the disease or is it the meds? Our husbands can't possibly go on and on with the pain, debilitation,the crying the doctors....are they right are they wrong? This disease brings us to our knees, it is no wonder those around us can't cope!! sarah I just finished up with 4 months of recovery from a heart operation. My husband has been here 24-7! The RA went crazy and because I couldn't take the drugs (because of healing) the RA went untreated. Now, I'm trying to come back. I'm on 3 drugs, each one needing to be sorted out! Time to have Remicade work, the MTX also takes time, so I'm on prednisone. Eating and hungry all the time....gained 10 lbs and having trouble keeping it at 10! I can't do the things I used to do. Walk the beach, play golf with my husband and enjoy so many things together! He's getting weary of this life, and he's having his own physical problems, now. This is so hard on everyone and everything and there is no where to turn. This forum is full of people who know exactly what I'm saying...and you all are probably among the few who do. i'd like to think positive but it is really hard to do. (now I also have an irregular heart beat and someone said Prednisone can do that!!?) sarah I just read all these sad entries and almost was crying. I want to tell everyone there is hope. I am blessed and I thank God everyday and night to have a wonderful husband that has been there for me. Not to say we haven't had our problems but he has been amazing. We have been married 20 years Two years ago I was dx with ra. He has been so loving and understanding. He comes home from work and asks me what I need him to do with a smile and kiss for me. I used to be the super mom. I did most of the housework. Had my own cleaning business, girl scout leader, cub master, sunday school teacher and church secretary. Now I am just a big blob on the couch. My hubby knew something was wrong before I did. I think what really made him understand was his boss's sister (who has ra) talked to him right after my dx and told him that I would need him more than ever, emotionally, physically, and every which way. He has been changing the wet dressing in my butt crack for the last 2 months....(had golf ball size cyst removed from tailbone).....he wakes me at 5am to take my pain meds. Then wakes me again at 6:30am to change my dressing. Then we have to do it again in the evening. what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. ***breaks out in a song****** lol Like I said before, I know I have been blessed. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, for better or worse, sickness & health. I am so lucky to have Kevin. I hope you guys find some kind of happiness in your lifes. I've decided this isn't something I am going to put a Man or a child through. It's a personal choice. I had hoped one day to have a family, but I have been alone so long (my life minus 2.5 years) that I am very comfortable with it. I read about these men that are condecending, angry, and inconciderate, even hateful, who abandon women and marriage vows at the drop of a hat, and do it when women need them most, well, all but it seems CinDee's Husband, who's obviously a keeper... And after having my head shoved through every wall in my own house by a SURPRIZE Alcoholic Narcissist for a few years? ...I can't do it. The kids would pay the bill...hope *(should have said trust) is gone on that one for me. However Men still remain the best friends I have/make!!...I just don't want one of my own anymore. if someone that truly was kind ever came along, I could reconcider. Yet,aside from my Dad? I haven't met such a person. My Trust vanished with a few too many "boots to the head". Just needed to vent that....sorry.. Lament over pain, immobility caused by the disease, uncertainty of meds, relationship's deterioration etc. will not solve the problem. I started to focus a possitive road of recovery almost 20 years ago. Today, I am healthy, overcome the disease, no meds/drugs. Inevitably problems of a sick dependable arthritic are all disappeared. I am independant - do not need aids (like wheelchair/stick) or other member of the family to help, do not rely on meds, there is no flare, life is better than normal, no more stress and anxiety given to members of family. Once you regain healthiness, there is no need for meds and disease just leave the body willingly. The cycle is NATURE - BODY - DISEASE. NATURE - appropriate herbs treat the disease and selective foods nurture the body slowly back to healthy level. As I have posted many times the basic components to achieve the result are - belief of herbs and natural foods, determination to explore, find appropriate herbs, know and use them. Time can show improvements at various levels. Inculcate awareness of good and bad natural foods in daily diet and make lifestyle changes. All these need hard work and home work. Persue what is possible not what is impossible
Nature has miracle cure for chronic diseases. Kokako, you are very fortunate that you don't need help (well at least in a physical way). And also very fortunate that you haven't had a bullying insensitive husband. Not all of us have been that fortunate!! Nature does not have a miracle cure for an abusive partner!! Excuse me, but I think your preceding post is entirely inappropriate. I am just very thankful that the man I was married to for 15 years was out of the picture before I got RA. Twenty years ago and earlier, I was not fortunate - from limping to hopping to clutches/wheelchair then bedridden
My preceding post is very appropriate only weak partner is a victim like you, Kiwilass2. Your depressed and weak personality was overpowered by the man you married. You couldnot stand up to face him squarely that was why you were a victim. For a depressed, Kokako - you say "Once in good health and as powerful and agile as a "tiger" I have all the say"!! WOW!! Lucky You!!! Helloooooo - so your wife has "now a depressed and weak personality overpowered by you???? Hoist by your own petard man!! GET A GRIP KOKO!!
HOW DARE YOU SPEAK LIKE THAT TO THESE STRONG, COURAGEOUS WOMEN!!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY HAVE LIVED THROUGH,
GET BACK IN YOUR BOX!!!
Kiwilass2 projected her personality in her post #20 "you haven't had a bullying insensitive husband". All human beings are sensitives. Kiwilass2 posted only her side of the story! There are always communication problem between partners. pammy416 you are in your box. I am outside the box. What are you talking about
I am not taking sides but having read many of Kokako's post I feel he does sometimes have a problem with translation. Indeed, it is easy to misconstrue the written/typed word, there are even different uses of words between English speaking countries which can lead to confusion. Kokako did not say his wife was a 'depressed and weak personality'. Why so much aggression? Can we not embrace each others cultural differences? Kiwilass2, probably of your insensitive attitude of putting unwarranted words in other's mouth that is why your man reacted the same for you
Attitude problem
What kind of crap is that. Marriage (as was said before) is a partnership.
Marriage is a partnership. I have taken care of my family for many years. When I was super sick over the winter I broke down to one of my daughters about how bad I feel that they have to do so much for me and around the house. She said to me, "Mom, it's ok. Me, Daddy, and Danielle don't mind taking care of you or the house stuff. You took care of us for years it is the least we can do." Now that came out of the mouth of a teenager (she will be 15 in less than a month lol)! Life is a partnership not only with your spouse, but also with your family. RA causes such major changes in life that some people just don't understand it and fear what they don't understand. And then fear comes out as anger. And then they turn abusive. NO ONE should put up with ANY type of abuse. Please, if you recognize yourself in the following article, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek HELP! There are phone numbers and info at this site that is just amazing. http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html These people can put you in contact with resources that will help you even if you are not working due to your RA. They will help you out. I am one of the "lucky" ones with an excellent spouse. Lately we have seen more and more postings here on marriages going downhill and the men being emotionally abusive. You do not need to stand for this. You are not weak...HE IS. OMG Gramma: that sounds like my family except my 14 year old is a boy. He has been the best taking care of my needs. He knows I drink lots of ice water....and if I had a quarter for each time he has asked me if I need more.....I would be rich (in money, I already consider myself rich in other meaningful ways). He does the dishes and laundry all without me asking. I told my family that I would need them more than ever and they have come through for me time and time again. I have spent my life taking care of my family. I cared for my mom for years when she had cancer for years. She died in 2000. THen my dad came down with cancer in 2001 and died in 2002 and we (sisters, hubbie, kids) took care of him . My kids have seen it they know that is how a family works. You care for each other. I have 4 sisters that have all been in abusive relationships. I have told my kids and I am telling anyone reading this: If someone who supposedly loves you talks down to you, beats you physically or mentally......that is not love. LOVE DOES NOT HURT. Read Corinthians in the bible....love is patient & kind..... PLEASE GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS NOT GOOD. LIFE IS TOO SHORT. She was worried about breaking vows she made in front of God and everyone. My pastor says God does not want you to feel bad or to be a door mat. Your mate broke the vows when he decided to be abusive. With our families help.....cuz that what families do, my sis got out of her relationship. She moved in with us for a few months. After about 50 phone calls from the worthless bastard...I got on the phone and told her ex to come on over. THe door's open walk on in....cuz we got a 22 with his name on it. He never bothered her again. scipture NEVER says that a wife must stay when she is beaten and abused. Husbands are told to care for their wives and treat them with respect and love. Once abuse starts, mental, physical, emotional, all bets are off. Koko, If I didn't communicate well, or even better than this man that I was supposedly "weaker" than... I wouldn't have been beaten so with such malice and frequency. Also, If he was indeed a stronger person, Why did he kill himself when the "little woman" (me) threw him out of her house? All he had to do was go to AA. Or to his own house...Wait, he didn't have his own house, He chose to drink all of the money he made! I have lived through far worse than he ever did without entertaining suicide. He was far weaker than I for a fact. Look up Narcissistic personality disorder. I can be angry at his behavior if I need to be... Nothing wrong with that. CinDee, Pammy416 You are correct, Abuse is the deal breaker. I too know my place! It's wherever I want to be!...lol...And that is with my family... "What kind of crap is that." It is a reflection of you, CinDee, if you look into the mirror. Talking nonsense
"Why did he kill himself when the "little woman" (me) threw him out of her house?" I would analyse he felt life was not worth living because he never received any correct signal of understanding from you. A hungry man who never received love, care and understanding from his partner turned wild and became an angry and aggressive man. So he turned to alcohol for solace. WOW!!!! I've been away for a couple of days and today I finally got a chance to read these posts. Seems to be a real interesting thread. It is bad when you have no one to support you or comfort you in your time of need. Don't get me wrong I dont want any sympathy from anyone I just wanted a little understanding from my husband. I realize he is the wrong person to go to for any comfort. After reading some of these posts it made me kind of envious of the good marriages that are on this message board. I cant imagine coming home from work and being asked if "I" need anything. I cant imagine getting a loving "hello" and how are you today, how was work. But Im sure this has happened for a reason. Im sure God has another plan for me and Im ready to find out what it is. I had read an inspirational book a couple of weeks ago and it has really stuck in my mind and really opened my eyes to alot of things. It focuses on taking all the negativity and drama out of your life. The one thing it asks is.. Do you notice anyone in your life that is always negative and brings you down??? If so get rid of them. If the people in your life are not ADDING anything to your life--(making you happy) then you no longer need them around they are just taking away from your life. It was like the book was written for me. I hope everyone who is having a bad marriage can get through it and move on because "WE DESEREVE BETTER" AND WE DESERVE HAPPINESS momof3 I'd love to have a ribbon or something
Sarah I don't know about the States, but next week is Arthritis awareness week here in Australia. I know it's not specifically RA but any awareness is a good thing. Jen~you mentioned that CinDee was the only one you'd heard of that had a great husband; but that's only because the ones here that have great husbands don't want to "brag" about our wonderful, caring husbands when so many seem so desperate and unhappy. Trust me though there are a lot of us here that have great husbands that we adore and who adore us. I know both kinds. Although my first husband wasn't nearly as bad as I've heard some mention here.....he was horrible compared to my current husband. I had no idea marriage could make me so happy. I do have one of those husbands like Cindee who will ask constantly if I'm feeling ok, do I need anything.....what can I do to help? He knows when I'm not feeling well and I don't have to say a word. He's so sensative to my feelings at times I have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. I don't regret my first marriage. It gave me two fantastic children and made me appreciate my second husband for all he is. I often wonder would I appreciate my current husband like I do if I hadn't been through a bad marriage years ago. I guess I'll never know but I have always known that God had something better in mind for me.....and I'm seeing that now. Don't give up on the idea of finding your Mr. Right. There are wonderful men out there. He hates this disease as much as I do, but we're in this together, forever. So we'll deal with it, together, forever. Jen~you mentioned that CinDee was the only one you'd heard of that had a great husband; but that's only because the ones here that have great husbands don't want to "brag" about our wonderful, caring husbands when so many seem so desperate and unhappy. Oh my gosh Lovie!! Im sorry , please dont stop talking about your husband. That goes for all of you too. I'm very happy to hear your husbands are good to you and take good care of you. Listening to your positive stories helps me with all the negativity that I have. Im sorry that I made you feel like you couldnt say anything about him. Im sorry if I made any of you feel that way. momof3 Add me in as one who has a helpful husband. He works, shops, cooks and cleans, rubs my shoulders and hands, and offers sympathy. When I come home from work, he asks how my day was and helps me change into my lounging clothes. He's not perfect (nor am I), and when we have a misunderstanding or difference of opinion, all that helpfulness goes out the window. But it is a temporary issue and we are working on it together. I talked with him about this thread last night, and he said that the hardest thing is that my being sick affects every single part of our life. That is true and there's nothing I can do about that. It's something we bear together. There are no guarantees in life. My first husband wasn't bad or abusive, just never around. I think the whole thing overwhelmed him (in addition to other issues we had) and he just avoided it. Please don't give up hope. Some marriages can improve with hard work from both sides. And if yours isn't one of them, take courage and move on to look for a true partner, or remain a happy single. Innerglow
Thank you Momof3....and trust me; after I divorced my first husband (Who sounds very simular to InnerGlows 1st husband: Absent!) I didn't think I wanted to be married again. I was so happy by myself and I didn't think marrying again would be better than being alone but he convinced me eventually. I'm happy to hear other stories of happiness as well. Marriage isn't always easy; but there's no joy like being married to your best friend. It just makes life happy....even when you feel bad. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean you have to be unhappy. I know that now; but it took me quite a while.....and a little help to learn that. I wasn't trying to brag. I was just putting it out there that there is hope. That all relationships aren't bad. Our life together (as any other) has it's ups and downs. Being dx with ra has brought us closer. He is more sensitive to my needs. He knows he can't cure me but he can try to make me feel better and my life easier. Like I said before I know I am blessed to have him. Sorry this is so long..but there's alot to say.... Those who have "Gems" (Male or female), More power to the Gems and you!
There is some Merit to what Koko said...Dans mother kept an abusive alchoholic step father around through his teens until that step-dad died, for money of course. She wasn't a Mom of the year "type." She's nice, but....That was unbelieveably uncaring.. This Man beat him mercilessly, Dan could never get his approval or affection He was immasculated and tortured. It was in his teens that he became an Alchoholic and developed the illness called NPD (as a teen.) I don't think he ever recieved real love from his family. He spent the rest of his life sharing his pain with everyone...Especially women. (Hind sight is 20/20) That included me. I couldn't help him, I sure couldn't fix it, and I didn't want to die at the hands of an violent man. My family still likes me for some reason..(grin).. I had great compassion for him. It just wasn't my problem to fix...It was his mothers doing and it was too late. I couldn't have fixed it for him if I had tried any harder.His family was the cause for his pain. He was the cause of my house remodeling project...(Had alot of holes to patch.) Suicide is a selfish act, he broke the hearts of his whole family,(the ones that really did care) . and left two daughters alone over a "Girlfriend". He was 46, thats young, yet old enough to know better...When I had him removed, I allowed his family to literally clean me out. My house was thiers for the day, My things were there for the pickins' I was far kinder than I ever needed to be. I dispise cruelty. It was the only way I could think to do it fairly. Beyond that?...I feel no need to discuss this further. Let the man rest. I had a "moment" of anger, I see no reason to have had it drug it out all day... So it's "Until death do "I" part also here"....(Good one Momof3 !)
Unless Mr. kind, persistant,and patient shows up? I am ok on my own! I really like my life to be simple and quiet...and to share with those in need with volenteering? It's a good life. There are alot worse thngs than being alone. Lovie...You give some darn good advice...Just wanted to say that.
until death do "I" part
I just want to put another spin on this for all of you, without confusing anyone too much! My 6yo daughter has some sort of RA - been very sick with obvious symptoms and doctors involved since Sept last year. I know this is not about a marriage but as our experience goes I can agree with you all about how relationships change and the whole grieving thing. I found I was, and still am a little, grieveing for my beautiful bouncy bubbly energetic, happy little girl who lit up everyones life, as now she is almost ALWAYS sick, weak, lethargic, in pain, mild to excruciating, nauseated over a toilet bowl, unable to come shopping with me because she is too weak to keep up. Now I am not complaining as I LOVE HER more than anything in this world and always will - BUT the pressure of all that she has been through has made our whole family shorter and sharper with each other at times of stress. In the beginning, when she was not chronic, she had achey legs and couldn't keep up and often felt sick - and we as loving parents (!?) would tell her its growing pains, nothing wrong with you, you must be nervous - keep going! Now we know it WAS something and feel REALLY bad - I don't want to think about all the times I told her there wa nothing wrong with her (she would have been ,4 & 5) Since then our doctors have proven there is something DEFINITELY wrong - we must have nearly driven her tiny mind Insane! She has asked me "Mummy, would you like me more if I wasn't sick all the time" and "I'm sorry I always cry Mum, I try not too but it hurts" and "I bet yoiu wish you had a baby who wasn't always in hospital like me". Well, this breaks my heart and snaps me out of my own stresses. I realise I have no right to allow my frustrations with her disease to impinge on her life - she needs positive and loving parents! I have actually had to reassure her many times that this is what parents are for and I love her no matter what. I used the example of her Dad having a shoulder operation and asked her "do you not love him anymore because we had to take him to hospital" and she laughed and said "NO" - and I said well ther you go - we don't love you any less either - we wish we could make you better but we will be there for you no matter what and still love you heaps! Just a different way of looking at this. I suppose I am trying to say that us 'others' - be it parents, sisters, brothers, or husbands, do grieve a little for you who are suffering and its not about us but we grieve for you and the life you could have had. Now that sounds depressing and I know that in our house rtight now we are learning to accept the changes that need to be made and we are all being HAPPY and dealing with this POSITIVELY as we still all have each other and at least we are still here together! My daughter has already learnt how to make the most of her "good days" (which are not as bad as her really bad days!), and to still try and do things so the disease does not beat her. She is such an inspiration and I am so proud! I may have got u all off track a little - hang in there with your "significant others' and trust that they can sometimes come around once they have processed what is going on and realised that it is not he end of the world. I am a Mum of three young kids, nearly 7, 5, and nearly 2. And I can happily say that although this is TOUGH at times - we are all happy and appreciate each other no matter what. We are grateful for the loving family we have and I would not trade any of my kids for anything! So hang in there! we are all trying and I am sure your loved ones really care and that may be why they seem so damn selfish at times - because they wish they could just make it all better (as I am sure you do too) I am so unqualified to advise you all as I am so new at this, just trying to help!? maybe you can all help me! Nellie Dear Nellie, I know how you feel about saying to your little girl things when she is 'sick all the time'. My son had recurring ear aches for years. We finally found out he was allergic to dairy, chocolate, dust, colas, ......his relatives had huge allergies, but no one told me! ugh. Poor little boy he remembers his childhood as 'when I had all of those ear aches'. He cried and I took him to the doctor who TREATED HIM REPeatedly for the INFECTIONS he was getting from inflamed Eustatian (sp) Tubes. Now they put a little tube in the children's ears to stop the infections taking hold. He was in such pain, and we were poor, no health insurance except county clinics, and I feel like I was so dumb!, I was unable to find out that he had milk allergies (they said feed him soy....who could affort it!!), so he suffered for YEARS.....When I did find out my husband didn't believe me, or the doctor,but I went ahead and 'had him take weekly allergy shots. I t
After a few years of the constant criticism, complaining and put downs my feelings toward him began to fade, so much that I just think of him as a room mate. Someone who helped pay the bills and someone other than my daughter and son in the house.
Deidre
hasnt spoken to him for over 2 years, he has a girlfriend
move in with him - someone we knew for 25 years and is financially very well off. I went to the nearest solicitor - interrupted his Christmas drinks & said I wanted to file for separation. Apparently I should have been told to get 2 independent valuations on our houSE - I wasnt told that, I could hardly walk at the time let alone think straight and didnt get the settlement I should have. I was left with a mortgage that will go until I am 88 yrs, a depressed daughter, no money, doubt whether I will trust my own judgment if I get the energy back to meet another man. My ex husband is now living a good life.
However, a counsellor picked up that he may have Aspergers Syndrome, this was verified by a dr. who also has Aspergers Syndrome and my dr. also said she had also wondered about that. Asp. syndrome is part of the autistic spectrum but is often found in high functioning people i.e. doctors, lawyers etc often have Asp. It is very subtle, one of the most obvious symptoms is lack of empathy, others are lack of responsibility, spouses often have to be responsible for running households, paying bills etc, they can be reclusive, have obsessions about certain subjects, can behave inappropriately in social situations and can be unkind or callous. They often have above average intelligence and can be kind & caring people but often there is an absence of logic in situations that is difficult to understand and the spouse often doubts their own sanity. There is a website called FAAAS,Inc (families of adults affected with Aspergers Syndrome). A higher than average number of spouses develop chronic diseases with RA being one of the most prominent of these diseases.
It is a relatively recently discovered disease but if you think your spouse fits any of these symptoms please check out the website where there are many articles plus a support network. My life may have been different if I had known earlier, I knew something wasnt right but didnt know what & was too ill to do anything about it.
It broke my spirit and also my daughters - the consequences can be devastating as the website will show.
There are many undiagnosed people with Aspergers, some will be able to function normally, 80% of marriages to an Aspergic fail and the advice is given, if your spouse has Aspergers then get out of your marriage. I have been meaning to post about this illness for a long time,
the advice I would give is to make sure you are financially okay and find a counsellor who specialises in Aspergers.
I hope if any of you having marital problems find any of these syptoms familiar you check out the website and read the many books available on Aspergers and find ways of taking care of yourselves and your children.
If anyone wants further information regarding Aspergers please let me know and for those with husbands who are not coping but do not have Asp. then get all the counselling help you can as it can be a hard and lonely battle on your own.
Best of luck to all of you.
That is a breaking of wedding vows, and Im sure if this disease would have happened to him, you wouldnt do that.
When I got RA I gained 70 pounds. sh*t happens. I had a boyfriend who understood and took care of me whether I was 180 (size 13) or 255. (size 22)
Right now, us RA patients and women in particular are VERY vulnerable.. i consider that abandonment, disrespect and emotional ABUSE
to bring awareness to this Rheumatoid Arthritis!! Honestly, it is even hard to
sPell!!, It is surely hard to understand (how can your body do this to you???),
and hard to treat (what works for one person doesn't for another), and their
are some real 'quacks' out there treating people, so if this sounds
complicated--it is!! Those of us who have found a way to 'get well', search
through doctors and through meds.....what a challenge and good work! Be
brave all.
Is there a ribbon for this? Maybe there should be. Do you think it would
become more recognized? I think this is a great idea!