First Lovie - I know you are always asking me to take it easy. Day before yesterday I thought I was. I planted 20 pkgs of seeds. Sitting on border walls, digging 1 inch deep rows and planting. Not too strenuous I thought. Then I sat in a chair and alphabetized about 500 cds. I was having a good day.
Yesterday and today agony. Woke up this morning with my first nodules. Not one but three. Two on wrists and one on elbow
My biggest worry is if the Humira does not work, will I be brave enough to continue this journey and keep switching to more dangerous drugs. I just feel horrible. I am on very strong painkillers and they are not cutting the pain. God I hate this journey. When I feel well enough to organize some cds or plant some seeds, I am in heaven. Do I always have to pay so much for such simple pleasures in life? Frustrated and in pain. Hurts to type but will keep you updated
When was your last shot? Maybe the doses need to be upped or taken weekly (if not already?). Take it easy today & tomorrow and if things are better Monday call up your doc.
Hoping & praying you feel better soon!
Roxy
First of all the small pleasures that have caused so much pain may have come from the strenous activity when you painted your bathroom. It could be the Humira as when I took mine I flared a few days after and it was hell. Bretts thoughts of not being able to handle your RA and kelseys Schizophrenia may pass once his withdrawel gets better, he may just be having a bad few days too.
Sometimes those few pleasures we enjoy seem like mountains to climb when before they were so easy. I potted some flowers in tubs today and planted out my hanging baskets, tonight my hands are painful and swollen.This was a relaxing job in the past.
Your Dr also may want to up your humira to once a week.If things dont get any better then make an appointment.
I wish Brett was a stronger person. It must be so hard to live with the his uncertainty. You need and deserve much better in life. It seems like you don't know how he is going to be from one day to the next.
Doesn't his PCP know about his problems? If they were Duragesic patches (fentanyl, generic), they are stronger than morphine. I used them for about a year for chronic pain. He should never have been given those. Does he have a condition that causes physical pain?
Hope you feel better very soon! My thoughts are with you.
Much love,
Nini
Roxy, I'm so sorry that things are difficult for you again. What can I say, other than hang in there and get in touch with your Dr. It's all a bit of a seesaw for you at the moment.
I was wondering the same thing as Nini...if these are duragesic pain patches he's using. I'm using them right now and they make me VERY tired. If he's using the same thing, no wonder he's in bed all day. I don't think that's a good idea for him to be using those...but what do I know. There's got to be so much stress involved when he's saying the things he says to u about your RA and your daughter. Certainly not good for you, Roxy. Is there any type of counselling the two of you could go to?
As far as your pain goes, you just need to learn to take it easy even when you are feeling good...until you can get things under control.
Kelly
Yes, they were the Fentenyl patches. I looked them up on the internet. I could not believe it. He has back problems but he should NOT take narcotics. I threw them away and he is spending the day in bed. Brett has not got a PCP yet. I think he wanted narcotics. He is going through a lot of anxiety over selling his house. He went down to get his stuff and it is so beautiful there - he got really depressed about losing his roots there.
The good news is when I posted this I was peaking in my pain. I finally napped and feel better. It also freaks me out I have three bumps I did not have. That was pretty depressing.
I had really thought I was just having a relaxing day organizing cds and planting seeds. I guess I am still learning limits.
As far as my animals, we all enjoy them. We share that responsibility and joy. IF Brett and I split up, we would fight over them. You should see the kitten and my chihuahua. I STILL cannot find my camera. The kitten was sleeping against the aquarium (one of his favorite places) with his arms around Foxy. Now our grown up cat has joined in their antics. They chase each other constantly. Brett loves taking the two big dogs for a walk. Brett has always walked every day. (all his life, before me also) That used to be our bonding time. He is a hyper guy. He needs to go for a walk so walking the big dogs is quality time for him. I don't think the pets are a problem except sometimes my aquariums I have to push myself BUT they are so much more fun to watch then tv. I miss going so much for walks with Brett. I got a wheelchair and now we are going to look into handicap paths.
Brett came out and I said I am not responsible for his addictions. I said I will not live in a house with a drug addict or alcoholic who is using. I said he has to be honest with doctors that he has addiction issues. He has a bad back from all those years on the railroad but he knows better than to take narcotics. So I told him to choose between us or drugs/alcohol. I know it was not Kelsey. She was an excuse. He was just drugged, enjoying it and he has been feeling depressed about us having to sell his property. He goes back there and he has all his party friends and he will go back to his addictions. He has that choice. He does not have the choice to stay with us and use drugs/alcohol. Too much stress for all of us. He needs to go back to work, it is not good for him to be home all the time and now that I have help, he can work. He has not applied for a job in seventeen years. I know he is feeling insecure and doubting his decision to leave the railroad. That was HIS idea so he has to deal with it.
Kelsey is his shadow but sometimes he tells her he needs alone time and she cannot go. He has choices. He is not making good ones.
So now I am feeling more grounded. I am glad I calmly told Brett what I did. I am glad I feel better after nap. Boy, I was wishing I had something stronger today. I guess I will be doing complete down time even if I feel well
PS It makes me crazy not finishing the bathroom. I have come up with some artsy ideas for it. I am not going back in there until I feel absolutely confident I can do it.
Roxy, I'm so glad you had a talk with Brett. I think it was really necessary for you to do that. I'm sorry if I sounded judgemental but it is hard to hear he is saying things like that to you.
I know how much you love your animals, and I think you should absolutely keep them. I know they bring you a lot of comfort.
There's a lot more I want to say, but I must go rest right now. My back and hip are bothering me a bit tonight.
Keep your chin up, Sweetie.
Hugs,
Nini
I am so sorry to read about all your pain and family issues. But, reading your second post, you were very strong telling Brett to make a decision. That was a good kick in the pants for him. Good for you. Keep up the positive attitude and be firm about your demands with him. You are right...He is a grown man and must be responsible for his own decisions of the move and quitting his job.
Life is full ofups and downs. It will get better again. Just hang in there! And, enjoy your beautiful garden!!!
Dear Roxy, I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering after doing something you love (the seeds will grow now into flowers or whatever you planted and you will feel better, and you can say, 'I did that and now they are lovely'. It is such a shame we get punished for doing the things we enjoy, but all we can do is keep trying, keep trusting the meds (or get others), I'm taking MTX (6 x 2.5) , Remicade and sTILL can't get off the prednisone (15). Oh well, I'll jsut keep trying.....I think I can, I think I can!!!
sarah
Thanks Sarah,Mama, Nini and all. It seems I can do barely anything or I pay for it - it sux.
Good news is after spending the day in bed Brett came out and said "Try to forget what I said last night. It was the addiction talking and I am going through withdrawals. I will keep trying and I don't want a divorce"
I would never have seen myself living at this age worried about drugs and alcohol but we didn't know what we were BOTH getting into when we married. I love Brett. I will keep trying. It sure would help if RA would give me a break to go out and play with him. He was sooooooo dissapointed when I didn't go to coast with him Woke up this morning; he now wants a divorce. He called my brother and asked for 1/2 the money we have. Not much. I am numb but I want him out - together - we have too many problems. I love his son. I hope he decides to stay with me. He said he will not go with his father. He has a brother he may want to go to. What a day. I wish this were a faster process.
Roxy, I'm so sorry. I was afraid that his addictions would win out. But I know how hard it is to realize that the person you love would choose drugs and alcohol over his family.
Why did he call your brother to ask for half the money? I would think he would be discussing it with you.
I know how much you love his son. I hope he stays with you, if that is what you want.
I am always here, if you want to vent. My prayers are with you. You sure have been through a lot in a relatively short time. This stress isn't good for you.
Take care.
Hugs
Nini
Called the police. Brett threw a thing of lotion at me and I didn't want it to escalate. I am giving him enough money to get by for a month and then the lawyers can decide.
I decided to destress and take dogs for walk. They body slammed me and I fell to the ground. Think my ankle is sprained. Had a hell of a time to get up. I made it home. I have to start getting up early and taking Colton to school. He said he wants to stay and we will see if it works out. I hope it does.
I am sick of Brett's addictions. I am relieved. I can do this. I love the kids. Tues. I go see a lawyer.
Did the police escort Brett from the house or did they arrest him for Domestic Violence Assault?
I'm sorry that things fell apart. I was so hoping and praying that everything would work out and you could all be a happy family together.
Let the lawyers handle everything. Even tho you are relieved that this over, you do not need any extra stress from the already stressful situation that divorce is.
You can do this....we have talked about it before that you can. Now is the time to really get the services that you need. And it will probably be easier to get them now too.
Oh Roxy....I am so sorryI told police he could stay until tomorrow when I can give him money. Under the condition he did not get violent again. I think they made it very clear to him he will go to jail if he tries to assault me. He is leaving me alone. I am just worried about Colton right now. My brother is already talking to me about losing the house but I am going to take this one day at a time. Who knows what will happen but I am trying to keep my head from spinning.Oh Sweetie, I wish so much that some of us, including me, could be there with you now. I wish we could just gather around you and make it all better.
Please take care. One day at a time.
Much love,
Nini
Roxy - that is so sad. But I'm really pleased that you have felt strong enough to make a decision that you feel is going to have the best outcome for you eventually. It will be a tough road, but I know that you will have the strength and prayers of your friends on here to lean on when you need to.
Middle of the night blues. I am trying to sleep on the couch as Brett says he has a busy day tomorrow and needs his sleep so he gets the bed
Am I sad about Brett leaving? I don't want him here. If he does not want to take care of Kelsey and I then I would rather do it myself. It is going to be a no holds barred divorce. I don't want to lose the house WE bought together. I am so so tired.
Would I take him back. Sadly, probably. I am glad it is his decision. It is scary to be on our own but I know we can do it.
Colton decided to go live with his brother. He is being very sweet but his Dad talked him into it. He told his Dad no way would he live with him. I wish Colton would stay but I know he is afraid he might have to take care of us. I don't blame him but I sure will miss him.
Have to do all the legal stuff soon. I thought I was through with all that!
Tomorrow I will make some calls and try to get some sleep. I am taking Colton to school in the morning. He is staying a week.
Deanna, I will be calling you. Not much more to say. Have said it all. I can't open the garage. I am going to have to get someone to get me my walker out of there. No crutches for me.
Hi Roxy
I am so sorry to hear everything that has happened but you cant stay in a marriage that is destroying you. It may sound selfish but for you to move forward you need to think of yourself and Kelsey.My cousin was with a recovering alcoholic , he was lovely to her when everything was going ok but my cousin suffers from schitzophrenia , bi-polar, RA and many more things that have been with her most of her life.He decided he then didnt want to be stuck with her and started getting violent, it was as if he blamed her for all his problems and even said the violence was because of the way she is.Basically if he blamed her he then felt better about himself.She isnt with him now and said its better to be without him and feel good about herself than to be with him just to have someone around.Her life has changed so much and she is moving forward at great speed.
You need all your strength now to make things work, sorry to hear about colton but I am sure you two will always have that special bond.
Big hugs
I'm so very sorry for all that you're going through. My father was an alcoholic, mean drunk every night of my life , until I left at the age of 19 to get married. For the first time, I had peace. I know it's not this bad for you,at your house, I'm just saying, peace is a wonderful thing. I know what a hard time this must be for you. You deserve peace.
Roxy~I'm real sorry to hear all this Sweetie. I'm sorry I haven't been around. Our internet connection has been screwed up at home and it won't be fixed until later today (We hope). Been busy at the office so I haven't really checked in.
Are you taking Humira every other week? Weekly might be best; and you might need something else with it. I always took a high dose of MTX with mine and I took it weekly. My RA isn't nearly as bad as yours; so I think you need to consider that. You need another DMARD not just pain killers. Those won't help you in the long run. I know you can't take MTX; but there are plenty of other's that might work for you. Don't give up on getting your RA under control. I think those good days when you started Humira proves it's possible.
I'm glad your husband's leaving. He's a real jerk Roxy. I'm sorry to say that; but from the way you describe his behavior it sounds like it's true. I realize it's due to his addiction.....but you can't continue to ignore it. A couple good days do not make up for all the days he treats you badly. It won't be easy.....but you can do it.
Hang in there. Don't let all of this wear you down. You're a strong woman.....Don't you forget that.
Roxy, hang in there. I know you will miss Colton. But as Lovie said, you can't really lose him. You have a special relationship and as he gets older, I think that will become more precious to him.Roxy
You will be amazed at how much better you will feel when an addict is no longer driving the bus.
I have been there and done that! Now I have somebody for a partner - who is an adult. I am grateful to have a real love, even if it took half my life to find him.
Well he packed his bags, really mine
I am going to wait to get the ankle checked out tomorrow. I have to pick Colton up from school. I get to keep him one more week.
I feel sick. Stress probably. I felt relief when the cab came. Divorce is so awful but this time I am not going to just let Brett have whatever he wants. That is what I did with my first husband. I am going to try to save this house. Roommate maybe. I will worried about that tomorrow. He is going back to his house and taking it off the market.
Brett did a lot for us. I did love him, not feeling a lot of love right now. It will be a lot of adjusting. We will see what happens but right now I am dizzy and sick so just going to take it easy until I pick up Colton. Whenever Brett and I fought, he would always take the bed. With my sprained/broken ankle, I was really hurting last night. I am afraid to go to sleep but I will look for an alarm to go get Colton.
Thank you for all the support.
Roxy, call me when you are up to it. I'm worried about you.Honey; I'm real sorry it's come to this. I know your heart is breaking.....but hopefully one day you'll look back at this and think it was absolutely for the best.
AND; for the record: not one time since my husband and I have been together have we ever slept anywhere but in our bed together. (Except when out of town on business of course) That should have been a sign early on that things just weren't right.
I'll keep you in my prayers as you adjust to this new life. It's going to be ok Roxy. Keep your chin up....you can do this.