Heading for divorce | Arthritis Information

 

Will told me last night that he doesn't think he can live me being sick any more. He actually said that I made myself sick, on PURPOSE , with the fertility treatments I did a few years ago. I had NO IDEA that the fertility treatments could cause the illnesses that I am suffering now and there is no evidence to support that other than I got sick around the same time.

In one breath he told me that I can't just stop taking my drugs willy nilly-I stopped taking the neurotin (an anti-seizure drug that was making me ill) and it wasn't helping me anyways and I am no sicker for stopping it. The next breath, he tells me that I need to stop all my drugs because they are making me sick-remember when all this first starting I was on NOTHING except for pre-natals and a low dose of zoloft (anti-depressant) because we were trying to get pregnant.

All my recent blood work shows I am deficient in pretty much everything, hormones, vitamins and minerals and he wants me to go on a fast for days than eat nothing but rice and juice as his cousin is a health nut freak and says all my problems are food allergies. We know I do not have celiac as we did the upper endoscopy and no spores were found and my blood work is negative.

He says he is depressed because of me, I am mean to him and that I am ruining his life. He says he is ,000 in debt because of me-he owns his own business, I have no involvement in his finances and my medical bills have run no where near that!

I asked him if he wants me to move out and he didn't answer me and yes he heard me. He says that I have to learn to be happy or he can't be with me. I tried to explain to him that the current adrenal exhaustion has left my body incapable of dealing with stress and that I do have lots of suicidal thoughts because I feel so alone in this. He did not seem concerned. he says I am stubborn and do not listen to him and he needs answers as to what exactly is wrong with me and when I will be better. WTF? What does he think I have been doing at all these doctors appointments, of which he has never ever even been to ONE single appointment with me.

I have no family in the area and no friends to stay with. My boss is really ticked at me for having to miss so much work for all the doctors appointments-I never call in sick no matter how bad off I am ( I have gone in and had to take my shoes off because my feet were too swollen to keep them on, I have gone in on so many pain pills that I would have gone to jail had I been pulled over, I go to work with my hands so swollen you can not recognize my fingers, etc, etc, etc) and I am on the verge of being fired for it. That's going to leave me without an income, without a house, without a husband and without health insurance. And, still sick. I am at the breaking, complete meltdown limit.

I have to leave in 20 minutes to see if they can get the iv infusion in my veins, they told me yesterday they will try my NECK if they can't get it in. But, my husband doesn't think I am doing enough to get well. Please, someone tell me what the hell am I supposed to do. I have seen every kind of imaginable doctor out there, submitted to every test they say, am black and blue for needle sticks again. How much more am I supposed deal with?

He sounds like a real jerk off to me. He complains and has all the answers but doesn't go with you to the appts. Where did he and his cousin get their medical degree from???? Sorry that doesn't help you, Michele, I just feel so bad for you.

I think he is like alot of men (sorry you guys out there but I said alot not all) who don't know what to do and feel helpless when their significant other is ill. He probably feels really bad right now (and he should!).

I hope their can find a vein and you can get some thing done to help you. I feel so bad for you......hang in there girl!

Cindee

AWWW MicheleB

Hugs to you. I'm praying this treatment turns your life around.

Oh, Michele, honey! I am so very sorry that this is happening to you!

I don't know you or your husband, but he sounds like an ass. Please forgive me if I'm off base here. But I was married to a man, who sounds just like your husband. We divorced 28 years ago, because after 13 years of marriage, I was completely beaten down emotionally and psychologically. My husband, now, who I have been married to for 24 years is the kindest, most loving man I've ever known.

Can you get him to go to a doctor appointment with you? If he "needs answers" as to what is wrong with you, that's the best way to find out.  Even if you can't get him to go, I really think you should tell your doctor what is going on. This kind of stress and verbal abuse is very bad for your health. And tell the doctor about your concerns about work, insurance, and everything else. He/she needs to know. This is only if your doctor is a compassionate person, of course.

Has your husband always been like this? Or is it something new? Of course chronic health problems are always hard on the whole family, but he might consider what you are going through right now

Please write back after your appt today and let me know how it went and if they were able to do your IV.

I just hate that you are having to go thru this!

Best wishes and big, gentle hugs,

Much love,

Nini

(((Michelle))) I am so sorry.  I know that doesn't mean much and that isn't much of a help, but I feel soooooooo for you.  I really do. 

This has been a tremendous stress on both of you thru the past few years.  I can understand wy you are near a meltdown.  But please hunny, with the suicidal thoughts, please see a counselor.  You are way too valuable on this earth to take your life and leave this world without you.  It doesn't matter whether you are sick or not or what you are doing to get that resolved.  You are a valuable person.  You have always had kind words for me and especially for Danielle and without those kind words from you something would be missing.  Even on those days it is hard for you to type, you always have kind caring words that mean so much to everyone here that has needed support. 

This IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!  You did not ask to be sick.  No one does and we certainly do not want to feel the way we do.  People without a chronic illness (or even several like some of us have) just can not comprehend that.  You have done and are doing everything in your power to be well and make yourself well.  Your husbands attitude is his and his alone.  He is the one that made the choice to think as he is.  I just wonder if he is just plain out scared and saying these things.  I do not know him so I do not know if that is a possibilty.  I would encourage both of you to get in with a counselor that specializes in chronic illness before throwing your hands up in the air and calling it quits.  It is not your fault that he is depressed.  It is his own problem that he is and that he is not doing anything about it.  As far as finances go, most of us are in debt.  That is just an excuse and it just leads me to believe once again, that he is very scared because you are so very sick, and he can not do anything to help you. 

I can not tell you how much more to deal with.  That is entirely up to you.  But I have to say, you have been an incredible example to people here on the lengths someone will go to and go thru to make themselves well.  The only thing I can tell you hunny, is keep going until you feel it is enough.  But only you can make decision what and when is enough. 

I care very about you and for you Michelle.  You are a wonderful, intelligent, good hearted, loving, kind, beautiful person.  I will PM you my email and you use that anytime you need to talk. 

Love you (in that friendship way)! 

 

Oh michele. I am so sorry this is happening to you

My ex-husband once told me (Actually repeatidly told me) "I can't make you happy; you have to learn to make yourself happy" You know what I learned? I learned that once I got that dumbass out of my life I was 100% happier....and although it didn't make me totally well; it certainly did improve my health.

Tell that jerk to go find another place to live. If he wants to leave so bad.....be gone! You shouldn't have to leave.

I'm real sorry this is happening.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your illness. I agree with the others about Will being scared about your future, though he is coming across as a heartless jerk. He needs to go to your appt. if he wants answers! You ARE doing everything you can to get well. He needs to understand that by hearing it from your Dr. Maybe you should take all his comments and put them as questions to ask your Dr. in front of hubby. I wonder if you are able to use FMLA for a short leave of absence at work? I used it one time, but it was a while back....Your Dr should be familiar with it and able to do the paperwork.

Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderfully, caring person and very valuable to all who know you! Maybe  you should talk to your Dr. about tweaking your AD for a bit. You are going through so much and stress is very bad for all of us.

Hang in there!

Deb

I don't know why so many of us end up in this place. I do realize that a lot of men are never taught the skills of caring and nurturing. They are problem solvers and you have given him a problem that he cannot solve. Somewhere in all that mess that he spouted off is a man who desperately wants to fix things and just can't. Then the frustration steps in and it many times turns either to depression or anger. Now, the anger is directed at you because he doesn't know where to direct it. He feels totally helpless. And if his friend is encouraging him to blame you, it makes it worse. Sometimes friends are not the best thing for us especially in dealing with marital problems.

First, you need support. Remember, I was getting so depressed. I did something about it. I called the crisis number and they did an intake on me and now I have both a support group and medicine that really do help me cope with all of this. I am going to ask for an individual counselor as well. But all of this is just overwhelming.

That's what I would suggest is that you get to a counselor. If you can get your husband to see one with you even better. But regardless, you need to see one. They can be wonderful at helping you sort out all the mix of feelings that are happening right now.

You have done everything possible to get well. A lot of marriages do not even survive fertitility issues. Together, you done a pretty good job of surviving that. That indicates to me that there is probably something really worth fighting for with this marriage.

As awful as some of his comments sound, underneath it still seems like he wants to fix things. If he didn't care for you, then fixing things wouldn't even be on the list of problems from his viewpoint.

I had this same explosion against the doctors from my son a couple of years ago. It was absolutely devastating. He demanded to know what the doctors were doing to make me well. He felt like they were just jerking me around. He was so angry and hurtful with his comments. To make it worse, we were celebrating Thanksgiving at my ex's house, not exactly my happy place.

But I faced it head on with him and I told him that there were a lot of problems and that the doctors were really trying to help me but it was a hard problem for even them. There were no easy answers but I was going to keep trying to get well no matter what.

My son still has a hard time with all of it. But since that day, he has been more understanding and tried to be supportive. Often times he will tell me that he is sorry that he doesn't know how to be more emotionally supportive. That makes him feel bad. But that he does want to be. That gets him full credit with me.

First, breathe a bit, Michelle. You can't deal with this with all the anger turned on high. You are going to have to decide what you need to do. No matter what is going on in your marriage, you are still one very sick woman that needs help getting well. I bet if you were to list all the things that you had tried, it would be a very long list. I bet if your husband was to list all the things that he has done to help you in that effort, it would be somewhat shorter.

Don't look at this as the end of your marriage. It is a dangerous curve in the road and if you don't find a way to hold on to each other, with both of you agreeing to staying inside the car, then you could see your marriage end. But that would be such a shame because everything you've said indicates that you love this man and even in all the messed things he said, it seems he loves you too.

I can understand you feeling so down and feeling worthless at this moment. But you are not. Everything that grammaskittles said is true about how you have been to people on this board. You are definitely one of the people I come back to see even when this board gets crazy. Pick up the phone and call your local crisis number. Tell them what is going on. They can help you get to someone who can give you some support and maybe intervene in your marriage.

You are not the kind of person who gives up. I see that in you. So don't give up now. I think you are getting close to finding the answer to your health questions. Reach out and get some help for you and your husband.

A lot of people don't talk about here, but quite a few have mates that are also taking antidepressants because it is so hard to deal with. It sounds like your husband might need this kind of help too.

This stuff is hard, incredibly hard. But remember who you really love. Remind him of that person he loves. You keep fighting for this marriage, your life and your health.

I vote check into a hospital and than maybe they can give him his answers he needs. And it will do you some good too, no stress, no work, no nothing..... just rest and letting them help you get better.

I know ya probably cannot do that, but it was worth saying it.

I am sorry Michele. Men are just that men. They always think everything is about them. I am sorry your hubby is not there for you.

Huggs

Do they let you just check into the hospital like you'd check into a hotel?

I do not know... I have only been in a hospital to give birth and pnemonia

Try to take a breather, be good to yourself and know we are here, lol & lots of good thoughts going your way,

 sarah

Michele I'm really sorry that you are going through all this.  Even is good health it's a very devastating thing when your marriage is in trouble!
There has been some good advice on here, I can only endorse the feeling that it would be a good time to talk to a counsellor, Dr,  crisis line, whoever fits for you, so that you can get the support and understanding you need right now.  It will be the first step in regaining your emotional strength and courage.  Thinking of you

Michele,

I'm so sorry you are going thru this.  Remember this is not your fault.  You didn't ask for this and you didn't cause it.  I have never heard of fertility treatments causing this illness.  He is clearly not being supportive.  Please find support somewhere, whether it be here, or somewhere else.  No one should have to live thru this alone. 

Take care,

Phats 

 

Michele ((((Hugs))))

Just want to mention regarding the fertility treatments I did it all, test tube baby attempts, GIFT procedures, Perganol injections etc. and went on to have one baby the old fashioned way years later and did NOT have RA, RA symptoms or any other AI disease until 13 years after having him. 

I am so sorry you are going through this too. How awful it is to have to live with the burden of your spouse not being supportive on top of being so ill. It is very difficult, I remember having to go through a similar thing. Your world just comes crashing down, your sick and have no energy, still have to work and make ends meet and there he is, no help at all whatsoever. It is actually worse now because you have lost the love of your life.

I do not know how to help you get through this even though I went through it myself. My days were filled with tears and fogginess and just doing what I had to and trying to keep a positive attitude.

Maybe you can snap him back to reality, tell him that not all women are as healthy as he is fantasizing them to be and probebaly no one else would put up with his crap. GOd forbid he should ever become ill.

You cannot help that you are sick, for absolutely crying out loud, you cannot fake this illness, bone erosions, bloodwork and them not being able to find a vein.

Remember that you have self esteem and do not let him treat you as if you don't. He is a weak  man if he cannot be there for you, he is a weak man if he cannot help you in your darkest sickest time of your life, and he is not worth you feeling worse about yourself just because " he doesn't like it when you are sick".Tell him you do not like it when he acts this way.

Let us know what happens. Keep this board posted. I have watched htis board for a bit now and it seems as though these people know what they are talking about and are very kind people. RA is so hard, so painful, so destructive,  it is a shame when you have people around you that cannot see that. Like i said, I have been there before, I did not know it happened to other people too, I am so, so, very sorry that someone else has to go through this.

I guess right now you have to get better. Tell him that if he helped you out and was kinder you may get better sooner, stress is not a healer, it is a destroyer.

braiden

Michele,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I too, am wondering if it isn't fear that's making your husband act this way and say these hurtful things. It seems from your prior posts that he's been supportive? I can't remember. Do you think you can possibly get him to go with you when you see the RD next? I think it's imperative, if you can. Maybe he's gotten to the breaking point with seeing the one he loves in constant pain, and he's dealing with it by driving you away. I don't know if that makes any sense. Just know that we're here for you. And we feel your pain.

Michele, many people gave you many advises. I hope you don't mind if I add mine. First of all no matter what never leave home, that's your house. Stay put and let him figure out what to do. Don't make it easy for him, think of yourself first. Second tell him that you love him and he'd never find anybody as wonderful as you. You know what to say!!! If he still wants out let him go. More likely he'll be back. Be strong and kind to yourself.

Luda

I agree with Luda. Do not leave. That will add more stress to the
overwhelming stress you already have. That will not help your adrenal
system. He needs to buck up and quit being so selfish. In sickness and in
health, did he forget that? Another thing. Your boss cannot fire you for
being sick......or disabled. Remember that. What are they going to tell the
labor board? I fired her because she had a doctor appontment? Probably
not. I'm sorry that you are going through this....it is the last thing you need
is for your support to stop supporting you. Make him go to your IV
appointment. It may make it more real to him. He probably needs some
TLC also as he if feeling down over all this too. Remember, he is going
through all the stages of grieving too, maybe in a different order than you.
See if he is willing to get some counceling. Please keep me posted. I care.Some of your replies made me smile, I am glad to know I am not being unreasonable here. We did not speak at all yesterday. I had to be at the clinic at 2, took almost 2 hours to get the iv in but they got it, I lost track of how many times it took though. I am black and blue and swelled up from all the veins blowing. But, got the "juice." Than had a hour of massage therapy and an hour of something called sms, its an electrical zappy thing, sorta like an overgrown tens unit but is supposed to reset the sympathetic nervous system.

It was after 7pm when I got home and I was dreading walking in the door. However, Will got up right away and greeted me with a hug and an "I'm sorry." He said something to the effect of us having our first fight, we have been together for over 8 years. I looked at him and said you are joking right? That was a bit more than just a typical martial fight!!!! I told him I had gotten some info on a few apartments and he seemed a bit shocked. I told him he had said some REALLY nasty things and that I do not ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. He apologized again and said he does love me. I point blank asked him if he wanted out of the relationship and he said no but he was hesitant.

I am not sure how I feel about it all. He isn't perfect (who is though) and there are some other issues. I do love him but I guess I would say that I am not IN love with him at the moment.  He has been relatively supportive as far as keeping the house picked up and cooking and such and has been mentally distant, if that makes sense?

He promised to be more sympathetic and I promised to be not so grumpy even when I hurt all the time. I know money isn't a reason to stay together but it would mean financial ruin for both of us.

I think we are just going to take it easy and not make any rash decisions at the moment. He promised there isn't anyone else or anything like that and I do believe him there. As far as me moving or him moving, the house is in both our names but his first, I was just a co-signer.  The house market sucks in our area and I doubt it would sell and neither of us can afford the mortgage alone.

Not to make any excuses for his behavior as there are none hut he was drinking, which he has been doing a lot of lately. Usually he isn't a mean drunk at all, usually he gets all mushy but maybe all this had just pent up and he drank enough to have the courage or lack of discretion and just let it all out. His mother died of breast cancer when he was young, I think he was 10. He does not deal with sickness well at all.

I think I probably could get him to go to counseling with me but first, I have to have the strength. Right now, I am too tired both mentally and physically. I just feel very numb about it all right now.

Everyone keep your fingers crossed that the new treatments I am doing will help. Will did promise to go to my appt with the rheumy May first and the appt at the pain clinic when I get my spinal injections which is May 9th. I am supposed to have the iv infusions every month and I am about 2 weeks into the yeast medication. I am still doing the acupuncture, massage therapy and now this new sms treatment. I am also starting a new medication tonight, forgot what its called I dropped it off at the pharmacy, but its supposed to help reduce the fluid in my body and hopefully reduce some of the swelling. My blood pressure and pulse are very high as well and my chest hurts and the nurse said I have fluid built up in my chest cavity and that this new medication should help. I am also supposed to buy those old lady or diabetic socks. The ones you get at the pharmacy that are super tight to try and push some of the fluid out of my feet as my toes are numb from the swelling and I can not tie my shoes anymore. I recently switched from zoloft to cymbalta and they upped the dose of that. I am still doing my humira shots weekly for the ra and I am down to 4mg of the prednisone. I need to get off the prednisone completely but it sends me into a flare so I have to do it very slowly. I also started an adrenal supplement last week and a dhea supplement this week. SOMETHING has gotta work! Taking the pain pills on a schedule seems to help better than just taking them when it gets super bad.

Ok, thinks thats about it. Luckily my boss isn't in today so it should be pretty calm at work but its going to be a very long day.

Thanks everyone for their support. I hate being such a drama queen. In fact, I would love to have nothing to post about. I guess for now, lets just hope that I can post soon that I am feeling better.

PS Deanna, your inbox is full!

Michele, you have been through so much...I am so glad that he is sorry and that you are not rushing out to divorce.  You are right that finances aren't a reason to stay together, but with so many hard things you are already dealing with, you are doing the right thing by giving yourselves time to see if you can work it out.

Counselling would be an excellent next step, but if you (and he) don't have the energy for it yet, there are also some books you could try reading together, or on your own.

Two I'd like to recommend are Beyond Chaos: One Man's Journey Alongside His Chronically Ill Wife by Gregg Piburn and Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix.

I hope things calm down soon for you both physically and emotionally!

dear Michel, Oh dear, alcohole, the legal 'drug of choice' , our society makes it all sound so romantic, wine with dinner, fun having a beer at the ball games, and all, but those of us who have lived through a lot of drunken-ness know people who drink are unpredictable. One moment loving you the next 'who knows'? I'm sorry you must deal with all this when your health isn't strong. Counceling would be great, if you can make it happen.....Be careful,

sarah

Michele,

You aren't being a drama queen. I am glad Will met you at the door and said he was sorry. It doesn't make what he said go away, but it does sound like he realizes it was wrong. Saying "our first fight" didn't sit well with me though - a fight requires both people. It was more of a rant from him and he needs to understand that.

I'm glad you were able to get the infusion and it sounds like you are getting lots of other complimentary treatments too. I really hope they help soon!!! 

Glad Will apologized. I know that still does not make the hurtful things he said go away completely, but in time they will.

Hope your "juice" helps ya out and you feel a bit better and fast

Huggs and more Huggs

Sorry you're going through this, Michele...hope everything works out.My momma always told me, a sober mans thoughts are a drunken mans
words. Will got some things off his chest and that is a good thing. Now that
it is out in the open, you can begin communicating and maybe he will be
more honest about how he feels and maybe he won't have to be drunk to say
it. I'm glad you are both on speaking terms and he is willing to take part in
your treatment. He is most likely scared to death right now that he is going
to lose someone he loves, to a disease. I"m sure that is what drove him to
say what he did. I'm thinking of you during this time. HugggsMichele, cleaned out my message box.

You really do seem to have this under more control than you think. I know that all the multiple treatments that they have been trying on me makes is so difficult to deal with anything.

Sometimes I think we tend to rush into making a decision to split up because the hurt is so big and the words are so harsh. But honestly, taking your time and not rushing into getting out of the marriage is a better idea. The one exception would be if you were in some kind of physical danger which you dont sound like that at all.

From everything you've said, I think he's just having a hard time with all of this too and doesn't have a clue how to deal with it. While I can understand you not having any extra energy to see a counselor right now because of all the treatments, it would be really good for him. He obviously needs some support in this.

Reach out, both of you, to whatever help is available to you. I hope these treatments work. They might and in a very short time, you could be living a totally different quality of life. That's what I'm hoping for you.

It sounds like things have gotten better.  I just wanted to comment on the fertility treatments.

I have had JRA since I was young.  I also have PCOS so I was unable to ovulate on my own.  My husband and I went through all the fertility treatments including clomid, shots and finally IVF.  During the year and a half I was undergoing the fertility treatments (I did finally succeed in having a healthy set of twins), my RA did fine.  I had a little pain in my fingers but that went away.  The medicine probably did not trigger your RA (in fact pregnancy and the hormones usually help).  The stress of the situation probably contributed to you feeling bad or it was just your time in life for the RA to rear its ugly head.  There is no rhyme or reason for the times that flares hit us.

Good luck.

Michele sweetie,  I have not read all the posts on this thread but I just want to tell you.  Brett leaving was the best thing I could have had happen for my health.  The pressure of trying to get better for him made me worse.  If you do not have a supportive husband then he is of no value to you and you have to put yourself first - for you and all those that love you.  I will try to come back and read this thread later but I wish you the best.  RoxyIt's nice to see you Roxy. I think of you often...hope you're doing well.Thank you everyone.  I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement.  Will has been very kind since than.  No, there has never been any physical abuse.

I am still very hurt and concerned about the things he said.  Our relationship is not perfect but I do feel it is worth the effort to try and work things out.   I agree its not best to rush into anything at the moment.

Good luck Michele.   I feel your pain.  Financially it is REALLY tough.  I have to say though - it is so nice to not feel pressured to perform - in life or in bed

I definitely will be singing a different tune when the money runs out in a few months and I have to figure out how to keep my house

Be happy, even when you aren't.

My sickness has put more strain on my family than me and I didn't realize it.  So i had to make changes.

I faced this and knew i was sick, i faced the fact that i have pain, i then found the best ways to sit, move ect to eliminate most pain.

I started to smile, laugh, and have fun even if i couldn't move much.  This is what made my family happier again and made our relationship happier.

Being down all the time made the rest of them down and that is not what i wanted.

What good advice Bubba.  I have been thinking about that a lot lately.  I have been working on when I am not feeling well to not share it with my family - unless necessary.  You are so right - when you don't feel well, you can still enjoy each other's company and I have definitely learned that complaining only makes you feel worse.  This is a struggle for all of us because it seems like sometimes it feels good to "rant".  Come here to do that.  I asked my Kelsey this morning if it was a drag to be around a sick person all the time.  She said with her amazing altered connection to wisdom - " I know it is not your fault, I don't blame you for being sick, I know you are sick, it is just easier when you don't seem so sick" 

Yes Roxy, it is a struggle not to rant and complain.  It's an everday battle but a battle that can be won. 

Michele, seems we got off topic but I hope that these ideas help you. 

 

 

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