Hi everyone...long but I have too get this off my heart.
Our family life has been under some serious stress. Arguing, fighting, words flying the works.
I have been sick for over 3 months off and on. When we aren't fighting or arguing, my pain levels and energy are up and I am doing great. But as soon as I do something my husband doesn't agree with or money isn't spent the right way, or I don't tell him things right off the bat...(hell...maybe cause I can't remember CRAP or what I need to tell him half the time
To add to my increased symptoms, I found out some information this weekend that rocked my world. Please bear with me...I am still reeling and hurt right now. About a year ago, I found out my husband was calling and going out with other women. Two women were what I would call TO DAMN CLOSE FOR COMFORT!!!!!
Well, I had a feeling that things weren't right, checked his cell phone records-We share minutes- and there were numbers on there I know shouldn't be. I called them...and women answered...BOY...I was so hurt.
Well, I confronted him...Oh course he did come clean...until I hung up on him and he finally admitted it. So, over the last past year...we have been healing from that and I believed him that he wasn't calling them anymore and he had told me everything. MAY I ADD the phone calling and dating these women had been going on since 2002.
Well this weekend, we were looking for a friends number. My husband remembered it was in his old phone - we have since gotten new cell phones. I get the phone, get the number and give it to him. While I was clicking the phone off...I made a mistake and hit the Phone picture area on the menu...And...a folder came up with photos in it. While he was on the phone talking to a friend of ours...I looked at the pictures...NAKED WOMAN ON THEM.
I don't think I need to say more. Come to find out, they were on there for a while...and it was of a women he claimed was just a friend. So, I knew I needed to ask and I asked him how long they'd known each other...they had know each other from 2002 and I asked if they'd slept together and he admitted they had once.
They met during the time I was really sick during my intial dx's with RA. We had been through a bad time with our son being gravely ill and then 4 months after that I became ill. Our marriage was really stressed emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
BUT NOW...to find out after he told me he never slept with any of them...
I already have a problem feeling like I am less of a woman because of this DAMN DISEASE...NOW THIS.
I am sorry...I am so hurt, angry, and depressed. It has been hard to keep it together. I try to keep a strong face in front of our son. It has taken EVERYTHING for me to stay focused.
I am at a loss...I HATE THIS DAMN DISEASE...
Roblyn
None of this is your fault....and as much as you hate having RA; it's not RA's fault either. It isn't because you've been sick....or that your son's been sick. Your husband is to blame; and deserves all the blame. Every bit of it.
Keep your chin up Sweetie. We're here for ya.
I am so sorry, you must be so hurt. This is an awful disease and hard enough to deal with on its own but when our own families start to fall apart at the same time.......I understand to a point as my hubby and I are having some serious issues as well mostly stemming from me being sick.((((Roblyn)))) I am so sorry this is happening. I know when hubby and I fight it makes the physical symptoms much worse, and even just during little fights. I can only imagine how overwhelming this is for you. The lying is the worst, and knowing that it's gone on for years....ouch.
Marriage is hard and marriages with chronic illness are even harder. But you shouldn't be putting this on yourself...you are not less of a woman...you are a strong woman, who's handled illness in herself and her son.
I think it's perfectly natural to be "all over the place" right now. Give yourself time to grieve before you make any big decisions. And make sure you take care of yourself physically, because you know the stress will take its toll.
Do you have a counselor you could talk to? Or maybe someone at church?
((((Roblyn)))) I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with the others. Your heart is hurting because of your husband's actions. He chose to call those other women. Neither is your illness or your son's illness is an excuse for what hubby has done. You are not to blame and have no reason to feel guilty. You did not choose to have this!
Stress is so bad for us and it sounds as if hubby is trying to deflect some of his actions by arguing with you over other things. I don't know what to tell you, except to offer gentle hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Deb
Lovie, Michelleb, Inner Glow, Deb, thank you for your warm and loving concern. Lord knows I need it right now.
I agree, it is his fault in this...I guess when things like this happen you can't help but thinking you are at fault somewhere.
I need to see a counselor. I am having a lot of negitive thoughts...painful memories...and wondering if there is still more he isn't telling me about these women and more recent confessions. I guess he'd would have never told me they slept together if I hadn't found the naked pictures she'd forwarded him.
I /we all in this life have done things wrong. I know that my lack of concern with our finances and my lying about my spending have hurt him greatly. But no matter how pissed I have been at him or how mad I maybe or even how crazy our marriage has been at times, I have NEVER once thought of sleeping with another man. HECK it takes all my energy just to take care of one man physically.
Inner Glow, when the fact of the emotional affair came out last year...I went to our Pastor in confidence about the situation. I also went to a couple in our church that I felt had been married for a long time and were, at least I felt, were spiritually mature to help us through that time.
Neither one of those relationships is the same anymore and my husband holds that againest me. He feels I put him out there on front street and that he hasn't forgiven me for it. So going to Our Pastor is not an option. {Plus we both hold Leardership Positions in our Church. And one thing I know, Church Folk aren't always the most forgiving people...crazy isn't it. We forget we all have sinned at some point and fallen short. Go figure!!!!!
Counseling is though and I will suggest it again. God knows we need something...right now...I just don't feel the same toward him. I have tried to be close and loving...truth is...I am just not feeling it or much feel like showing it.
((((Sweetie))) I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this and it breaks my heart. Please remember none of this is your fault and it will never be your fault. Your illness is not and his emotional and physical affairs are not.
The emotions you are going thru are perfectly normal right now. It is difficult to be close and loving towards since you have been hurt so badly. And until he recognizes and tells you that he put thru unimaginable hurt and pain, you might not be able to be close and loving to him.
Hang in there hunny. We are here for you.
Roblyn, whether or not he agrees to go to counselling, you can always go on your own. Going on your own does not fix a marriage (it takes two), but it can help you to deal with all you're going through.
I am sorry for what you went through with the relationships in the church, and sorry he is holding it against you (seeing as he caused the problem in the first place!). It is very hard to have our secrets revealed to those around us, even to those who are supposed to forgive.
The reason I suggested someone in the church is because of your ties to it and because of your financial concerns (insurance might cover counselling, but it depends). If you don't have the resources for a lay counselor, perhaps there is someone a little further out in your denomination...someone regional perhaps?....that would be safer to talk with.
Mainly, I think you should try to be loving toward yourself right now, taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. It is hard (if not impossible) to be close and loving with a spouse who has lied to you and cheated on you, and might still be lying to you. Do not blame yourself for those feelings. If and when he takes responsibility for what he did, and he's willing to go through the process of recovering your marriage, then you can worry about feeling close and loving.
Dear Roblyn, I'm so sorry. this is such a blow to you. You sound so overwhelmed, so I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and hope you can find the strength to fight all this at once and come out the WINNER. You deserve better! Best of luck with EVERYTHING, be nice to yourself and getta plan....like counceling, etc. This disease su__ks and can put stress on the strongest of marriages. Write down a plan when you can, 1 year , 5 years , etc. (even if you don't follow it), but mostly take care of your health. You will be better at doing what you need to do it you are well......lol, Sarah