My therapist said im not supposed to tell | Arthritis Information

my therapist said im not supposed to tell everyone that i have RA cause that´s something private and i should tell only people i care about...but...if i date someone or i meet someone and shake my hand and my hands hurt i need to explain...what do you think?You say and do what you're comfortable in saying and doing. I think that's a rather odd statement to make. I agree you're medical information is private, but unlike most medical conditioons RA impacts every little part of our lives. It's very difficult to keep it private. I'd love to be in Argentina right now.

I think it is a personal decision to tell or not to tell. You can always decide how much info to give out.

If someone shakes your hand, you could always preface it with, my hand is sore today, so a light handshake please, or if it isn't in the professional world, you could skip the handshake and go for a hug, or light touch on the arm.

It is all about what you are comfortable with. Hopefully others will have some ideas too.

Phats

[QUOTE=LinB]You say and do what you're comfortable in saying and doing. I think that's a rather odd statement to make. I agree you're medical information is private, but unlike most medical conditioons RA impacts every little part of our lives. It's very difficult to keep it private. I'd love to be in Argentina right now. [/QUOTE]

Anytime you want you can come to Argentina cause is a beautiful counrty! all the members of this forum are invited to come! heheh

I think you should probable determine this on a case by case basis. There's no reason to tell everyone.....but there's not reason to hide it either. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was dating I never told anyone about my RA. Not until I met my husband and I felt like it concerned him and our future together did I even tell him. On evenings when I didn't feel well; I'd beg off. Rarely did I feel the need to overly explain why I didn't feel up to going out. Made me seem rather "Hard to catch". lol Surprisingly men find this to be a challenage and for whatever reason it only makes them more interested. Go figure.

Although I've had RA 13 years few can tell by looking at me that I have it and it's only on certain occations when I'll limp or have physcial difficulties where I feel the need for an explanation. Some people however feel the need to share their health problems with everyone they meet; including the person in line behind them at the grocery store. I'm just not like that. If you are one of those people and it makes you feel better to do so.....I say do it.

It's up to you. A theropist is free to make suggestions but you are under no obligation to follow her instructions.

Good Luck.

Dear MILI<After going through 'open heart surgery', and having people totally identify with the pain and suffering of that, I am loath to bring up 'Rhematoid ARthritis'. People sort of nod their heads, but are still stuck on OHS, so I'm leaving it out lately. If I know they know what that is I might mention it.....your call, my dear, it is your life to live. Maybe your doc is trying to save you the pain of having people 'look blankly' at you?? lol, love sarah

I would tell who you feel comfortable telling. Usually I don't have a problem with men that shake my hand because they do it how the are supposed to shake a ladies hand...gently.

I told Danny about 6 months into our relationship that RA was a possibility since it runs in my family. All he really said about it hen was that we would deal with it when the time comes. And that is what we did. That was about 19 years ago.

We make no firm plans for anything (but this is because I am so bad lately) and our friends and family understand that.

Well...quite honestly I wouldn't start a relationship with telling my partner that I have RA. First...it is a very private issue and really not too important to reveal early in a relationship. Second...I wouldn't want to discuss the pros and cons and political issues regarding RA but rather focus the discussion on more important things like does he love his mother...etc... :)

I think that telling people that you have RA would explain a lot of things that aren't visible. Like the fatigue and pain??? Or the deformities. By not telling your employer, your deceiving them into thinking that you can do things that other employees can do. It's grounds to be terminated.

I don't know what reason there would be for not telling.

Susie in MN

I feel when we are newly diagnosed it is harder to figure out who to tell and whom not to tell that you have RA because we aren't really out of our own shock of it yet. It is such an invisible diease that comes with so many stereotypes with it that sometimes we feel compelled to hide it so people do not think we are weak, lazy, or even less of person. Sometimes we feel compelled to tell the whole world so they can see we are not weak, lazy, or less of a person. It is so individual on who we tell and who we don't.

I would privately tell my employer that I was diagnosed and ask that they keep it to themselves as it is at our discretion on who we would like to talk to about it. If you are in a job where you need assistive devices to do your job your employer HAS to know then. I feel it is not so much that you are deceiving your employer into thinking you can do things other employees can. I feel it would be more that you could not perform your job properly and then that would be grounds for termination.

I had problems for years with my husbands family and my RA. It has taken them about 11 years for them to realize I really am sick. No matter how much info we brought them or talked to them about it.

I would only mention it on an "as needed basis". First, most people don't know what it is and they think it is OA--like yeah--me too- in my little finger. I also don't mention to my employer. No need to. I know I would be discriminated against somehow. (I am concerned because of the insurance claims and the huge drug claims against my insurance and I need that insurance) I am not hiding it either. I don't need an adaptive devices and don't require any special care at work--so there is no need to mention it. Also I don't find most people shake hards hard--most are gentle but I avoid shaking hands if I can--sometimes can't avoid it.

I can't imagine why a therapist would even venture there.

Well, I think your therapist needs a therapist. What kind of thing is that to
tell a patient? You can tell who you want. I share with only those that are
close to me and I don't mention it very often. I have had questions in the
past though weather it is smart to share that info with your employer. Mine
knows but I hurt at times but do my best not to every let anyone see me
suffer.

That is interesting a therapist gave that advice. Not sure what I think about that. I am a pretty upfront person so it would be hard for me to hide such a large part of who I am becoming/have become... I have actually just made an apt myself to see one this coming Tuesday evening to get some help figuring out these kind of issues myself. I will let you know what they recommend for me....

Rgards,

Melly

I'm with Lorster and Melly, I don't know why your therapist says you shouldn't tell people you have RA. I find I tell lots of people who are in my life because it explains so much about why I am the way I am. My boss and the girls I work with know I have RA, they understand why I like the shift I have, (so I don't have to get up in the morning) and why some days I seem to have more pain than others. My friends all know I have it as do my family. As with my fellow workers they understand why I do the things I do and why I am the way I am. It's not some dirty secret I feel I have to hide, it's part of me (like it or not). Accept me, accept my RA and vice-versa.I tell who I have to but if anyone asks why i have splints on or why i use my stick,wheelchair or scooter i tell them too. This is the reason why the public dont know much about RA because its kept to a limit.Lots of people think Rheumatoid arthritis is still about old people and its a few bent fingers and sore knees . I'm not saying we need to wear big signs round our necks but I wouldnt keep it a secret either.I don't hide it either. If someone asks me what is wrong, I tell them I have ra and its a bad day. I work in an optometrists office, its just me and the doctor, People ask me all the time why I don't wear contacts and I tell them that I have ra and it makes m eyes dry and uncomfortable.

I rarely shake hands, especially at big social events, like weddings as it always makes them swell even more and hurt. I just tell people, I am sorry, I have ra and my hands hurt but I have a hug if you would like one!

My husbands family STILL doesn't get it. All they know is that I am not as fun to be around as I used to!!!!

I too am puzzled as to why a therapist would give that kind of advice.

Like Catnip, I don't volunteer any info about my RA to a prospective employer, but also, I don't try to hide the fact that I have it either. I do walk with a slight limp and my hands are rather noticable but otherwise, I think I look quite normal. I can usually explain the gaps in my work history by telling them that through meds and/or corrective surgery, the issue had been resolved and would not effect my work performance. I do feel though that in the past, I have been discriminated against due to health issues.

People sometimes ask me about my hands or my limp and of course, the easy answer is that "I have arthritis." It always seems that either they or a family member also has a "touch of arthritis" and taking aspirin twice a day seems to be the cure. Without laying out my RA "resume," I just smile and say, "I should try that." On the other hand, there are some people who truly do want to be educated on our disease and for these people, I do take the time to try and satisfy their curiosities with what I do know. Most times, they do appreciate it. I tend to ramble sometimes!

If I was applying for a new job, I would not share that information because I
would think some employers would take that into consideration in case they
would have to modify the work environment. They cannot discriminate but
they also probably would steer clear of a potential "sick", "disabled"
employee. There are no secrets in my small town, everybody talks about everybody and I always wondered what they said about us, because we're pretty bland. Then last summer, people I've never spoken to would come up to me and say, "I heard you had a really bad winter" and I'd answer, "I'm better" and they'd hear "I'm cured" and they were so happy for me.

I think you should share your information as you see fit, you know who really cares and will want to know about it and others where it will go in one ear and out the other.

I've never made it be a topic of conversation, because most people don't really want to hear about how bad you feel and it doesn't make me feel any better.Hey Mili!!! So do you drink mate?

People with disabilities are discriminated against. We don't get hired or promoted at the same rate as the normals. If you are treated as an equal in the workplace, you have done very well. It is a bit like crossing the color line or rising above the invisable glass ceiling for women.

Even when people perceived me a just being short 4'8", I have had problems. Let alone now that my problems with RA really show.

I wonder if discrimination comes from the fear of the unknown?My rheumatologist told me not to refer to MTX as a chemotherapy drug, that I was just taking it for DMARDS for RA, don't tell anyone its used for cancer. What a stupid remark to make. MTX IS A CANCER DRUG. What am I suppose to do, lie?Gramma, I think disability comes with a price tag to most employers. Days
lost to illness, cost of modifying the work place, high potential of that
employee using their disability/health benefits all play a role here. We are
simply high risk employees. They can tell you all they want but the truth is,
it all boils down to if you are going to put out the product they want as well
as the next guy with out an increase outgo in expenses to them. I agree with Lorster. While there are Federal laws that make certain questions illegal to ask at an interview, I have noticed a trend with job descriptions.

Because, I have worked in healthcare administration, I have had to fill out these forms by job type. The form will have the task, the amount of time per day spent at it and what part of the body it effects. If you have a desk job it might ask if you are physically capable of sitting for 6 hours a day. Or can you hear and answer the phone, some even require that you have a sense of smell!

I understand from an employers point of view you need to hire people who can get the job done. I you sign the job description stating that you can do these things, and then you end not being able to do them then it could be a reason for termination. Of course, with RA one day I might, the next day not.

My boss and co-workers now I have RA. They saw me go from a "normal" person with tons of energy to someone who has trouble walking and even pass out papers. I haven't said anything to HR because I don't need any special accommodation's.

My students always ask, because one day I might be limping and the next not. Since I teach health care diagnostic coding, medical terminology and pathophysiology they have a good understanding of RA. I had a student ask this quarter why RA is under musculoskeletal disorder (like OA) since she thought it should be under auto-immune disorders. I should have given her a "gold star".

Hi All,

I had to tell my partner about my PA very early on because on our second date we were supposed to meet after work, it had taken ages to find a time we could meet and I didn't have his mobile number, that afternoon at work I began to have severe chest pains (costochondritis) and called the clinic. They told me to go to A&E and get ablood test and chest x-ray to rule out a blood clot and then they would give me steroid shot the next day. So I met him and said "don't panic but I have to go to hospital". He was so sweet and understanding - and still is.

My employers know - they have to because of all the adaptations to my work environment. It's a hot topic at the moment as there has just been some legislaion passed... I think it's a matter of working it out on a case by case basis.

Thanks you guys for enlightening me on this! I haven't worked for almost 3 years (lost my job due to layoffs back in AZ) and that is when we decided to move back home to the midwest. I did look for a job for awhile but couldn't find anything that fit my schedule and we just decided since we now have teens that we are better off with me at home keeping an eye on things around here lol. Then the ra got real bad and I can't work! If and when I can ever go back to work what I learned here will be very valuable.

Your theropist might have worded things wrong. She might not have meant that you need to hide it.....but there's no real reason to come right out and tell various random people. I agree with her there.

I didn't tell my employer early on, but in time he and other co-workers have learned of my illness. Rarely if ever does it interfear with my job; but occationally I'll walk with a limp and at times my back problems have been difficult to hide.

I didn't reveal my illness in the beginning because I knew I could preform my job better than many. I didn't want to be judged unfairly or be under a mircoscope until I had proven myself. Now that I have; If I need to take off on a regular basis for dr.s appointments or go home early they are all too happy for me to go home and take care of myself. Had I started out with them knowing I had a chronic illness it might have been different. I don't know.

Well, I'm kinda just a blabbermouth and usually don't care what anyone thinks anyway. I don't walk around telling people, but if it comes up cuz of something else, I'll say whatever.

Didn't tell new employers until after I got the job, but mostly cuz that's when it came up. I'm in HR, so I don't think they could let it have an effect on things.

OF COURSE!! I LOVE MATE!!! HAHAHA YOU SHOULD TRY IT...:)

I tell people....but I mean, I walk around with lidoderm patches on my hands, so people ask "what happened to you???".

We were at the mall today and I got SO many strange looks. But I was able to wear heels and not be in total agony!!

My playgroup doesn't really understand it though...and I don't like to talk about it much on the message boards...simply because I am then bombarded by people selling various diet crap that will "cure me". Riiighhht. *rolls eyes* I had to finally post about it though, because I was getting a TON of flack for not making it to ANY playdates in the past 3wks, with the exception of one I had at my house. I've just been sick, had therapy and Drs appointments, and then this week the kids got sick. SO people were getting really ticked off that I didn't get in "trouble" for not making it to events (we have requirements....you have to attend at LEAST 3 events a month. Not even the main lady running it does that, but whatever. I was really pissed about it)

So yeah....I end up telling people, simply because if I don't, they wonder why I'm so unreliable when it comes to getting out of the house. It sucks.....but oh well. I just get sick of the e-mails with people selling juice, vitamins, and recommending their chriropracter, so THEY can get a refferal bonus!!

lol

this guy at my work told me last night that my sickness is all in my head! he was only joking but it is the second time he has joked about it. i am learning fast not to tell,or talk about it ... i was talking about it alot,because i was newly diagnosed and feeling crummy everyday i went to work. But i think everyone is getting sick of me going on about how i feel ,and the disease. and these are my friends at work!

kel