It looks like after almost 11 years things are coming to a close for my marriage. It is all about the ra. The basic premise is that I didnt try hard enough, I shouldnt have ever stopped working, he still loves me but he wants to have nicer things and needs someone that can work. Funny thing is, now that we are going to be splitting up, I am going to have to try and go back to work. It is a messed up situation. I was not surprised, and trust me, I have thought about leaving many times since I first got sick. He has been crappy ever since I started having problems and missing work. I have 2 kids ages 10 and 7. They are going to be crushed. I know that some of you have gone though divorce...I need advice. How do you do this with out losing your mind and screwing up your kids?HI Crunchy, I am so sorry to read your news. This disease sure takes its toll on more than just our health. It would be interesting to know the statistics of relationship breakdowns due to chronic illness.
I am afraid I can't offer you too much advice, I have two sisters who have gone through it, one decided to stay home and look after the kids completely (no chronic illness though), the other decided to work and be a single mum, she really struggled and suffered but both of them have come through with some problems with the kids but nothing major, so I guess whatever feels right for you. Do you have a support network as you will require help I am sure. Best of luck and remember your friends here can help with a little support, kind and gentle hugs, Janie.
Oh Crunchy I am so sorry about your marriage, its wrong that a disease such as RA can split up two people but at the same time its awful that your husband wants nicer things over you.That seems so extreme, is he maybe using the RA as an excuse? I have never been in your shoes but I know my sister has and with regards to the kids, she said be as honest with them as their ages allow you to be.Kids sense things so they might know something is going on but they do aprreciate honesty , can you and hubby sit down together to explain it to them, expresing all the time that its not their fault but dont let hubby blame you either as then the kids will think its your fault.
Whatever you decide i wish you good luck
Take care. Lisa
Crunchy, I dont know what you own or how much property you have but you need a good lawyer who will be able to explain to the judge about your RA. You probably cant work full time and the judge needs to know that.Crunchy...sorry to hear about your marrage situation. Interesting that your husband wants more 'stuff'...because after the court is through with him he won't have much money to spend after paying child support.
As a divorcee...my advice is to try to be civil at all times.
Crunch; I'm real sorry this is happening to you. I know exactly where you are....my first marriage ended after 11 years as well. By the time it finally ended I was ready for it. I did have a full time job at the time though so that made my situation a little easier finacially.
One thing my ex-husband and I did that I feel like helped my children adjust is we agreed to live close by. We share custody half and half. My children are able to continue everything they did before. Schools are the same....friends are the same....activities are the same. We still co-parent and are on very good terms and I really think that's gone a long way toward helping my kids adjust. They've never felt like they were in the middle of a nasty divorce....because it wasn't nasty. Not a lot of money changes hands between us....and I think that helps avoid a lot of problems. A lot of the fighting you hear of in divorce all relate to finances and we don't have that problem.
Today would have been my 18th anniversary. 18 years ago today I married my high school Sweetheart. It was a hard 11 years combined with lots of financial worries.....a chronic illness dx and too many struggles to explain. One thing though; I don't regret any of it. It all brought me to the place I am today and although I didn't know it at the time; This is where I was meant to be all along.
Try to remember that when one door closes another one opens. It's not easy.....but you'll get through it. Try not to waist a lot of time blaming yourself or being angry. Just try to think ahead a little and plan for your future.
Good Luck Sweetie.
I love you Crunchers very very much and as you know will always be here for you. You already know how I feel about everything so nuff said here. Just wanted to let you know I loves yas.
I will call you later when I know you are awake.
I am so sorry that your marriage may fail. I say "may" because things could change.
I am divorced, it messed up my kids but yet it was the best thing for them as well. Sounds odd I know but the dysfunction was far worse and both of my children have learned that through the years, especially my daughter. She has even said to me" how did you ever remain married to dad for so long? "
My children were 6 and 14. My son at age 14 had a hard time with it but was fully aware of how awful his dad was to us. HE acted out then later daughter followed suit. It was hard to impossible for most of the time but I managed with friends and family.
The biggest and most positive influence was my then fiance'. Both the kids adored him and he was a stable influence for them. My pediatrician and his staff were also life savers for me and both of my children.
Your husband will learn about visitation, child support and depending on where you live, alimony. As stated before, he will not have any money for extra things and will hate sending you child support and paying the kids' insurance. The kids will be a major part of his responsibility when he has visitation and he will become frustrated because he doesn't have a clue.......he thinks he does but actually you have probably been the primary care giver. The kids will rebel and hate the change but they are really resilliant. We aren't as resilliant unfortunately.
You get your freedom from a man that obviously thinks illness will never effect him or his "new found love" and he has obviously forgotten the "till death do we part" clause in your vows...that is assumming you said that phrase. I think he is using the RA as an excuse, he most likely has something else up his sleeve. He sounds full of greed and himself to me and that is not a good foundation or the building blocks of marriage or raising a family.
jode
You have my sympathy Crunchy, but you have been given some great advice here. I do not post a lot on here, but I do read everything and this caught my eye because I was also divorced at a very young age and with two children. As others have said children are very resilient. Try to form a partnership with their father as best you can for the children's sake. There is a saying that "everything happens for the best", so just try to believe that and move on. I will remember you and your children in my prayers.Crunchy, I am so sorry to read this news. You have been given some sage advice....stay civil and try and share the upbringing of your kids. These young people need a male figure to bond with, I speak from experience as my dad was killed when I was twelve.
Good luck in your trials and tribulations!
Ron
Try to work it out like Lovie did, I tried so diligently to produce that environment for my children and less stress all the way around but my ex husband was set on making our lives miserable with the help of his gfriend.
I am hoping that at a last resort if you have to choose divorce that you and your husband can make it a civil parting.
Keep us posted. You have our prayers and concern.
jode
Hi Crunchy, am really sorry to hear about your marriage. My only advice to you is to find the best lawyer you can. If you're husband thinks he has less now, just wait till the judge and the attorney finish with him. Don't ever talk negatively about your husband in front of the children but also don't hide the details and don't lie to them. Kids know what's going on. Let them form their own opinions. Above all, rise above your husband's ridiculus ideas of what a marriage is. Stand tall and smile and be proud of who you are.
We spend so much of our time hiding our disease and it's handicapps from our friends, families, co workers, and general public that we do it out of habit. Don't hide your CI and any handicapps from the attornies or judges. This is survival and you have to get in survival mode.
Keep us posted because you're such an integral part of this forum and people really do care about how you're doing.
The more I think of this situation, the more I wanted to post and say.......what the heck? Just because he doesn't like someone sick he wants the marriage to end? You could always take the stand ( of course only if you want to remain in the relationship) that hey, I did not ask to be sick like this, so guess what, you are my spouse so "we" have to deal with this together. If by chance he does not want to work on the relationship"because he wants you to work and wants more ""STUFF""", then ask him to just think about a situation where he was burdened with RA.
I will never forget after being hospitalized for my ulcers when my fiance' said he hated hospitals and didn't want to stay with me in the hospital and was surely not gonna wait for a wheelchair when I was being released from the hospital. I am still in shock that I had to try to make HIM feel better when I was in the hospital bed recieving blood! What a crock of crap that was!
You are the only one that can decide on your relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world with this decision.
I do think it stinks and RA and illness are a poor excuse. Ask him what the "real problem is" because your RA is not a good enough reason to throw away a relationship and family.
Good luck! We are praying for you!!!!!!!!!
jode
I kind of disagree. I say get yourself together and accept the situation for what it is. Over. Even if he's using your illness as an excuse.....he doesn't want to be married to you any more. I don't know about you....but I don't want to be married to someone I have to talk into lovin me.
I'm speaking of my own experience here. I was married for 11 years to a man that would rather be on the golf course verses working in my garden with me. I was alone 75% of my free time. He was off doing his own thing. I was home mowing grass with bad shoulder. He didn't care. We didn't fight constantly like a lot of folks but we were never together either. Eventually I found me a man that does EVERYTHING with me and accepts me for who I am and like I am. I've never been happier. It's the kind of "Married to your best friend" type of thing. It's what I always wanted.
My only regret about my divorce is that I waited so long to get one.
Hang in there girl. You have to decide what's right for you. But don't stay with this man for any other reason than it's your hearts desire. Follow your heart. Even if you deivorce; every thing else will fall into place. You're a strong woman. You can make a great life for yourself without him.
Probably make a better life for yourself without him. It is your life too ya know, they often forget that part when they want you to do all of everything for them. I agree with Lovie, one thing you do not want in your life is to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you or doesn't love you. Sometimes it is really difficult to let go, difficult to find the right one for you, and hard to do it all by yourself; but in the long run for your health it is best.
Now....all I have to do is wait for that one special guy to drop from the sky above..lol, sure hope he has a parachute that opens!
*giggle*
jode
Crunchy I am so sorry to hear about your marriage problems. Would counselling help - if it is worth doing then try & make sure you get a good one. The one we had suggested we divorce and I get put into care! My husband of 24 years was just unable to cope with my illness but then he never coped with much anyway so my regret is I didnt leave him years earlier. If you are financially able to survive and there is no hope of saving your marriage get everything you can financially,Dear crunchy, this is a big turning point in your life. What a job you have ahead of you, and with this illness crap, it will be harder, but you sound very focused and I'm sure that you have a plan to 'get through' this to the other side. Oh, your children are so small, and that will be extremely difficult for them (my little grandson who's 'real father' left his mother and my son married her--even with 2 kids under 4 years old) My grandson said, 'Grandma, I'm going to marry a woman who has kids and has been divorced) Oh my, he understood the pain his mother was in. He didn't, and in fact, he married a woman and they don't want kids, but he was so thoughtful at an early age and understood divorce.
I think the get a good atty, is good advice, you think your husband will be reasonable (because of the kids, but you never know). He may have his own plan that you don't know about.
It must be very painful to have cared for someone and they cared for you, but now that's different. You look at a person from a different perspective....I'm sorry this must hurt you very much. I appreciate all of your posts and will be interested in how you do through all of this. I'll be hoping your RA doesn't do a big flare, with the stress. Please remember we are here for you, anytime day or night!! Keep writing, lv Sarah
Hey - I don't post often - just browse and gather info right now...
but thought I had something to offer this time:
At last check 85% of marriages with a chronic disease end in divorce.
Use this time to rediscover yourself; your strengths, your beauty, your spirit - all in the fullness of the woman you were meant to be. Simple abundance is a good book to journey with throgh the first year (about how long the re-definition takes to fallback inlove with your real self)
Your children will be fine with you knowing who you are and sharing that groundedness and love and peace of self with them.
May sound Esoteric- but much truth
Sorry to hear about this. I left my husband when my children were 3 and 8. I had to leave the state as he was violent and I actually told him I was leaving when I was several hundred miles away. For what it is worth here is what I have learned.I have written this message 2 or 3 times and I just can't find the right words. I am so heartbroken for you, and the Mommy in me wants to just come down there and hug you and let you cry, cuss, yell, and cry again. I'm so very sorry things are this bad, and I hope, hope, hope that you two can get back on track again, without having to go through the agony of divorce on top of everything else you have been through in the last year.
I'm always here if ya need another pair of ears to vent on.
Karen
S'ok lady, I love you, and I have a spare bedroom you know.........*grin*I sorry, Crunchy
First of all, thank you guys..for all of your support and advice. It has given me a lot more to think about, and has made me feel stronger. This is where we are at this point...he really wants to try and make it work...and so do I. We still have some issues to go over again ie. the respect issue and financial planning vs. untamed spending. I still love my husband and he feels the same about me. I guess what it comes down to is if we love each other (although his fantasies about how much "stuff" we should have needs some work) and we want to try and keep our family together for the sake of the kids, then it is worth another go. I believe in my heart that this is the last time though. I am going to go to work and do my best to rebuild financially what we have lost and to rebuild my credit. I figure if it works out in the end...great for us, and if it doesnt work out for us...then at least I have my feet planted a little more firmly on the ground than I do right now.
I was ready to just stay and make it work without a plan B. But reading all of your words of encouragement has opened my eyese to the reality of what I can do if I really try. I really thought alot about those of you who said you regretted not getting out of bad relationships sooner...and I will keep that with me. I know that if we have come this far, and tried again and again, and we are still unhappy....if money doesnt fix it...if I get worse and cant count on his support..I can move on. And I will move on.
Thank you so much for all of the advice. I especially have taken to heart the statement that no matter what, divorce is gonna screw up your kids. It is true...and for that reason I have more strength to try and make the marriage good. It is going to involve work from both of us but maybe we can do it.
Your prayers are sooooo appreciated. I know God has a plan for me, and for us. I keep waiting for him to show us the way, maybe I forget to ask as much as I should. I just want our lives to be good again, for my health to improve, for my family to stay together and have joy.
I will keep you guys posted, we are considering several changes that will make it easier for me to get to work, and make the kids happier.. the main thing being us moving (again) back to our old neighborhood.
Thanks again guys! I love ya'll!
Crunchy, my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope everything works out for you. I think you're doing the right thing Crunch. Work on your marriage but at the same time be getting yourself in a postion to be more independent if need be in the future. I would recommend a councilor. A third party may be very helpful in showing you and your husband both how the other feels and help you learn more about each other that can go a long way toward making a happy relationship. There are many, many couples out there that through help from a councilor have gone on to have wonderful relationships despite some horrible times in their past. I wish you good luck as you work to keep your family together. Crunchy; I am so sorry for what is going on right now, I hope things do work out for you. All I can tell you is my one brother who is a year younger then me, went through this during his 7th yr of marriage, it looked like the end they had 2 children at the time, and they were heart broken. Well they did manage to work things out and now they are on their 26th anniversary!!!! They have 3 children now and they would never ever want to be apart, it made them strong and they love each other dearly. Cruchy please know I'm there for you take care and let me know what goes on. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox memeMeme, I love your rose. I wish I could figure out how to do that
Thank you guys....God ya'll are wonderful!!
So that said, I understand some of the reasons why he is freaking out. He just doesnt know how to deal. And I have to agree with him, if I was in his shoes...working 6 days a week, never seeing the family, and still being broke all the time....I would be tired and stressed out too. I am not making excuses for him, but I am trying to see his side of things. My problem is that he doesnt think I really appreciate that even though I have told him many times that I do. And he doesnt ever try to see things through my eyes. I certainly am not happy that we lost the house, my car, my hobbies...the ATVs (including the kids'). It all just sucks and it is because of me. Not my fault, but still because of me. I am scared to go back to work, yet I am excited to be getting back out there and doing something productive. My kids are going to be in 5th and 2nd grade next year so they are both in school full time. We are going to move back to our old neighborhood and will be across the street from my brother who has a teenage daughter, and only a block away from my mom and dad, 5 minutes away from my grandparents. My kids are old enough to be home alone for short periods of time, and I will family close by to help. Plus, I work for an agency so I am able to choose the days and shifts that I want to work with as much or as little advance notice as I want. I can call in a 5 am and pick up a shift for 7am..etc. So I will have options. I learned last year that I shouldnt schedule more than 2 days in advance because I ended up having too many call ins. But yes there is some flexability there. I also will not be going back to ER nursing. I am going to stick with the regular hospital floors where there is more charting, and less running and lifting. All of your prayers and good vibes are so greatly appreciated. I have been praying since I left work back in sept. for God to help me to make the right choices. I still dont understand why things work out the way they have. We seem to be making our choices by process of elimination. I just hope we finally start getting it right the first time, cuz getting it wrong all the time sucks. Maybe we are getting a lesson in being appreciative. Appreciate the fact that we have 2 great kids, having transportatation, a safe home, supportive friends and family. I am trying to be positive...working on sending good karma. We absolutely have had (and still do to a lesser degree) a spending problem. I am going to have to be savvy about that when I go back to work. The eating out is one of our worst ones. It is expensive, and makes it impossible to lose weight. I will have to do some advance cooking on my off days and maybe do some shared meals with my mom and/or grandma. This year with the knee surgeries and such, my kids have learned to do laundry and dishes so my plan is keep them on those jobs a few days a week and get everyone to continue pitching in on keeping the livingroom and bathroom clean. They are big enough to learn to keep up after themselves and keep their rooms clean. I think if we all commit to working together we may be able to make it all work. I will be all ready to go back soon, I just need to get my surgeon to give me a return to work release. My RD wouldnt give me one. Imagine that! I did go on medical leave for the surgury, not the RA so the note from the surgeon will be sufficient. I am sure he will gladly give one to me. Once I get that, I have 2 refresher courses to do next week and then...ta daa! I am a working woman once again. Thanks again for the kindness and support...you all have so much great advice to give and it really has helped me a lot. XOXO-Kami Keep your chin up Sweetie. You are a strong woman and not matter what tomorrow brings you can handle it.
You are sounding much better!! YAY!! Does an old woman's heart well (I'm a few years older than Crunchy and she teases me all the time I;m the old woman lol). Working together is what makes a family WORK. As your kids get older they will also start being a part of SOME of the family decisions also. Oh those stories of vacation were great mary. Loved that. We don't have vacations yet either but always try to go for a very long weekend of camping every year besides our short quick ones by home. We are also 4 people and a few four legged people in a one income household. Sometimes it is so tight that Danny and I squeak very loudly when we walk lol. But we always seem to make it thru. And so will you guys. OMG crunchy, Im so sorry you are going through this. Im going through the similar situation. I havent posted here in a while and I was just surfing through and saw this and felt so bad.
Im still living in the same house with my husband. I just havent had the money to move out. But I'm getting there. I've told my kids and they all understand. They want me to leave as soon as I can. They told me that they just cant stand the way my husband talks to me. My son says why dont you jump up and slap him when he treats you like a kid??? Well, I just dont want to fight in front of my youngest daughter. Years ago it would have been ON!!! My oldest 2 kids arent his and he treats them differently. My son has 6 more months and he will graduate from college and im afraid if I go now, my husband will be mean to him. He's like that. Im afraid he will change the locks on him. I know he's grown and everything but I just dont want him to be treated badly. My husband says my son can stay but I just dont trust him. My son says "Mom" I'll be okay. Im not going to stay here if you're not here. I will find some other place to live. I told him he could stay with me but he doesnt want to live with "mom" so to speak. He's planning on moving out of state after graduation. I just want him to get through this and start his life too. My oldest daughter is a sophomore in college and lives on campus so she is set for right now and all I have left is my youngest and she says she is okay with me moving and staying with both parents off and on. It has been miserable for me but God has been there for me. It's so hard for me to go, but my husband makes it so hard for me to stay. I've started getting all the bills and the mortgage put in his name. I dont want to be responsible for nonpayment of anything.I'm going to talk to a lawyer this week to see how this all can be worked out. I have alot of furniture and just alot of stuff that I have in that house. Im planning on leaving all of it there and starting over brand new. Oh yea as for my RA Huh... my husband thinks it's a joke so there's my support. I do know what you are going through I've been praying constantly that my life will get better. I hope the best for you and your children crunchy, separation, divorce is always hard. Whatever decision you make God will be with you and take care of you. And you have alot of support here!!!! momof3 momof3 I'm sorry to hear things haven't gotten better for you. I so remember feeling very simular to you ladies years ago. The good news is; life will get better. In my case it got WORLDS better. Sometimes you have to go through the bad stuff to really appreciate the good stuff when you get to it. Hang in there. momofthree Divorce and money matters are really complicated. One thing I know for sure is that you can't just call and have your name taken off the home mortgage. Lord; I wish it had been that easy! Your husband will have to refinance the house and have the mortgage solely in his name. That means he'll have to qualify for the loan without you. The utilities should be pretty easy to handle. A call should be about all that's nessesary there provided you are in good credit standings with the utility companies. In my divorce the credit cards that were mine.....and the credit cards that were his stayed that way. We both took responsability for what was our own. We didn't have much to fight over; but there were certain finacial responsabilities that my ex-husband was supposed to take care of; but he didn't. Both of our credit were badly damaged by my divorce. In fact my ex-husband's was totally ruined by his stupid mistakes. He ended up letting the house be foreclosed on and soon there after was bankrupt. That foreclosure went against my credit as well considering that he was never able to refinance or sale the home. I was very luck that when I met and married my current husband he was able to qualitfy for a home loan without me. The bank did say that since I had proof that I did not live in the house for 7 years before the foreclosure it really didn't hurt me as bad as I would have thought.(I had rental references) We still proceeded with our current home loan with just my husband on the mortgage. Be careful with your Lawyer too. Their fees can become outradgous! I went in with a check for ,000. I said "This is all I have to pay you. I need a divorce and this is what I want. I can't pay a penny more than this". My request were very simple and there wasn't much to fight over. We both worked full time and we were sharing custody so there was no reason for me to do anything but start over without him. It's certainly made life a lot simpler than other people I know that are still fighting over money and other issues after 5, 7 even 10 years later. I just wanted to move on. Good Luck. Well, Im so glad that you opened my eyes before I went down tubes!!
Thanks for all your help!! momof3 Thanks you so much Lovie, Yep, that's what I've been doing too. I will hang in there.
momof3 No offence to you Owieded; But I've never quite understood that. I mean how is it fair that you (Anyone in general) would be entitled to money he earns after the marriage ends. I know this is how things work sometimes.....but I've never quite understood it. I'm of the opinion that while people are married the man should finacially provide for their spouse. If there are children involved they should continue to provide for their support until they are adults; but I never have thought it was fair that men end up paying ex-spouses alimoney and loose part of their retirement because of a marriage that ended years before. Especially when that person is able to work and provide for themselves. I know women that won't remarry because they will loose their alimony. That's just sad. In your case and I'm sure in plenty of other's you deserved it. Certain circumstances should provided for situations such as yours. So many women give up so much to take care of a family for so many years. Divorce and finacial issues are so complicated. I don't plan to every have to deal with those complications ever again. Then again......I didn't plan on it happening the first go around either. No one ever plans to deal with it do they? It's never easy. I see how it works kinda... I've been married for 15 yrs and the lawyer said that I am entitled to half of his retirement because he earned it during the marriage. So if his retirement is 200,000 I will get 100,000???? hmmm...... Only thing is, is that he said I might not get it until he retires. I need that money now!!!! All I know is he will sh*t when he finds this out!! momof3 When I dovorced in 1995, my ex had no retirement plan at all but my attorney insited I go for it anyway. I decided not to because I wanted away from him and that was one way that I could be free of him when the kids were grown. I do not regret it, I cannot stand him and am only civil to him when it concerns our children, other than that, I would rather be poor. Sad huh? I wanted out of the marriage so badly. ....my daughter did a silmilar thing. She moved out, is being emancipated now and the attorney wanted to go for her college ed money. SInce she moved out an i s not going to college in the Fall it would be hard to get the college money; she does not care... she stated she does not want any part of him cept for the occassional hello and she certainly doesn't want to feel like she "owes " him anything, or to hear him compalin about the money or to even hound him for it cause she knows what a dead beat dad he has always been unless support was court ordered from his paycheck. It all depends on the situation I think. I am fine how things are I just want what I have always wanted and that was for the kids to be healthy and happy, that's it. Nothing more, nothing less. jode My attorney told me I was a fool not to fight for more also.....but I told him I didn't really want his opinion; I just wanted a divorce. Sometimes somethings are more important than money. Peace of mind and peace in general are two of those things in my opinion. Again; we had nothing. There was nothing to fight over. I could have fought for child support but I didn't even bother. There were a couple small financial committments he was required to fullfil; but just as I knew would be the case......he has neglected those. Sadly; his financial situation has only gotten worse since our divorce and mine has only gotten better. I think in the end we all get what we deserve. Lovie we don't always get what we deserve, Male or female in a divorce, or in life in general. Sometimes there is forgiveness and fairness and sometimes not. Some people are just trashed by the sytem that do not have it coming. I think people should make a contract prior to marriage about what happens financially and for the care of the children. I really believe if people did this first, a lot of dreadful marriages would not happen at all. Amen to that! I think that should be law. If people knew going into things what would happen they might be more careful about what they do. And when I was referring to "We all get what we deserve" I didn't nessesarilly mean in divorce; I meant in life. I have a strong christian faith and I'm a firm believer that one day the good Lord is going to recognize what I deserve and bring it before me. In a way....I believe that's already happening. Trust me when I say I've been left with a lot of bagage from my first marriage that will trouble me for many years to come. My divorce didn't treat me fairly that's for sure. But one day I'll be rewarded for my troubles. I just decided to cut my looses and start moving forward. I don't like conflict in my life and the relationship with my first husband was full of conflict. There came a point where I had to just break that tie despite what I "deserved". Oh geez I guess I have some things to think about. But thank you all for your kindness and support. mo3 Mary I'm gonna have to remember that quote. That's hilarious.....and SO TRUE!! Your divorce papers can say that he has to pay______but if he doesn't do it; then what? You can take them back to court; but like you said Mary I didn't exactly have the means to do that. After a while you figure out ways to make it.....and the pride you feel because of it can't even be bought with money on my opinion. To answer a question from ohhhh....3 pages ago
I have been off of the meds for a while now and I had wondered if my symptoms that I was having on the biologics was from the drugs themselves..but apparently not. I am getting worse now than I have been in a year. Swelling of the hands and ankles, lots of joint pain in my...uh everything..but especially in my fingers and toes, wrists and knees. So I think I should have my Humira in about 2 weeks and hopefully that will kick in so I can get to work. Just an update..so far things are going pretty well around here. We are both holding up our ends of the deal, and we are getting along nicely. We are going on vacation tomorrow with out the kids and so this will be a much needed weekend for the 2 of us. The old issues are still there, just beneath the surface, but we trying-both of us-and we are both happy but just a little guarded. I dont feel bad that we are a little guarded, we should be. If we werent then the whole discussion of divorce would have been a joke, and believe me, I wasnt laughing. I will from now on always have a little stash of savings somewhere and I will always be looking our fo me. I am going to start putting money in the safe at my moms instead of putting it in the bank. We live in a community property state and I dont want to take any chances of losing anything if something happens. Anyways...I am happy for now. We are moving which I wanted and my kids do too. I am going on vacation tomorrow (yay). And I got a new car yesterday...so things are lookin good...I just to get the meds working and things will be super. And if my marriage doesnt last, at least I have a chance of making it on my own with out totally having the bottom fall out. I kind of have to agree with SOD on that issue. You'd be surprised what they'll start digging around in once they realize things are falling apart. A man that seems totally uninterested in you and your life suddenly becomes interested if only to look out for his own interest. I say delete it for your own piece of mind. It's an excellent idea......but should never be mentioned again. No one should know of that except your Mother. YAY crunchy for the RA suit!!!!!
Then maybe they would understand what we go through!!! Oh My Gosh Crunchy PLEASE do as advised and DELETE that post!! I thought my ex adored me and our twin baby girls but left me for a supposed best friend. They made our life miserable for years and every dime I got from him for the girls had to be gotten by court order. Be smart and expect the worst, if it don't happen you've lost nothing and maybe gained a whole lot. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT,lol. Good luck......Genesis
married by this very kewl chaplain. Before they got married, he had them go
through some classes and he talked about men keeping everything in a box
and women keeping every thing in a bag. It was the neatest talk and one
that every couple should read. I will try to get a copy of it and post it for all
to read. It kind of helped me put my whole relationship into perspective and
i think people will find it interesting. I will post it to this thread as soon as I
get my hands on it. Good Luck, Crunchy! I hope it works out for you both.
more energy to be negative than it does to be positive. I am always hopeful
of better things. [/QUOTE]
Hey, that is a great quote Good luck with your new job. I wanted to add,
I think that ER nursing, even though that is what you may love, may be more
adrenaline producing. I have gone back to 2- 12 hour shifts a week. One
during the day and one at night. It works great for me. The 12 hour day is
hard because there is much running and up but the night shift is so much
more relaxed and I amable to get off my feet more often. Are you going to
go to days or nights? Yikes, momofthree I just read your post. If you live in the United States a word of warning. Just because you put the bills and the mortgage in your husbands name does not mean you are not responsible for the bills. EVEN if a judge states that the husband pays X bills and the wife pays Y bills, that does not keep you from being responsible.
I know this first hand. I paid all the bills I was responsible for. My ex didn't and the the house went into forclosure when he stopped paying for it. He declared bankruptcy and the creditors came after me. His bankruptcy went on MY credit report and stayed for years, his late pays on the bill we at one time jointly went on MY credit report.
Just today I went to a bank where my daughter and I have a joint account for her college money. They asked me which of the 2 accounts I wanted the money in. An old account that had my name removed (over a decade ago) suddenly had my new name on it. Guess what, somehow the bank "up dated" my ex-husband's account with my new name when I had opened an account with my daughter. WITH a line of credit!!!!!! I demanded that my name be removed from the account, but the bank wouldn't because of the line of credit, which they say I am responsible for What a mess. I live 1000 miles from him and this still happened.
Here is some un-asked for advice. Get a great attorney, ask the judge to ORDER everything sold that has both of your names on it and CLOSE every account and make him open a new separate account.
Hi again Crunchy,
Eating out does "eat" up the budget, but just so you don't feel deprived (and it is good for the waist line) here are some things we did when we were kid rich and money poor. I worked in restaurants for many years and know some "tricks"
Hit the "early bird special" between 3-5pm, this is a very slow time for most restaurants and many have "buy one, get one half off or free" meals.
Go to restaurants that offer "kids eat free" with an adult.
Use coupons, I know that this can seem embarrassing to some but businesses spend big bucks on this type of advertisement. They want you to use it.
Share a meal with your spouse or one order an appetizer, soup or salad and the other a meal. Let's face it, the plates have way too much food on them anyway (unless you are on high pred doses)
l learned this from experience as well. The ONLY way to prevent them from coming after you or affect your credit rating is to pay off the account and close it. Fortunately my ex opened additional accounts after our divorce and had the balances transferred. It could have turned ugly otherwise...OMG Mary Blooms!!!! I hadnt realized I would still be responsible for the bills. I thought if I took my name off they would go after him and not me. Great!!! this is just Great!!!!
Lovie, it was like you lived my life! Not much to fight over, but what I wanted to let Momofthree know is that just because the judge divides who pays what, does not mean that person will or can pay for it. I happened to live in a community property state (California) which meant we shared assets or debts REGARDLESS of who's name is on the credit card, loan or mortgage. We divided the debts an assets based on each of our incomes at the time. I paid all my off and he declared bankruptcy and let the house be foreclosed on.
My new husband (of 11 years now) made enough money to qualify for a loan on his own, but I spent years not even being able to get a CELL phone contract in my name due to the fact that my ex went bankrupt AFTER we divorced.
I asked a lawyer if there was anyway I could get him to pay for the debts he agreed to pay for and he said "sure, we can take him to court" Well if I had enough money to take him to court I would have paid the bills myself.
From experience, if you live in a "community" property state make your lawyer and the judge FORCE the sell of assets to pay off all debts, even a mortgage. Then divvy up what assets are left over. Or a soon to be ex, can apply for a new mortgage on the home, not just having your named removed.
Some lawyers can make a deal with the soon to be ex to give more assets now and the other spouse can sign a deal that they won't ask for retirement money. Very unlikely that you will see the retirement money until the EX is retired. Even then there is an extra step you need to take (I think it is the "quadro" or whatever) that is an extra amount you will need to pay a lawyer to accomplish it. Just because it says it in the divorce decree doesn't mean you have done what you need to do to get it.
Hang in there all, cling to family and friends and your faith. Most important remember "it is better to have loved and lost, then being married to that psycho for the rest of your life"
Crunchy, girl why would you go puttin that in writting on a public board? You need to edit that post and I will edit mine as soon as you see this. If you ever do get divorced and your husband prints this out then his lawyer can estimate what you were hiding and you'll have to pay him his 50%! Cover your butt!
I really feel very badly for everything you are going through.
Luv the RA Suit idea!!
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