OT - We Need A Little Smile | Arthritis Information

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?"

"It will keep the sheets off his legs."

putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior,
asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get
out of her rocker then begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot.

Those are good one!!

lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

funny! Thanks for the giggle.

jode

thanks for the laugh! LOL!!!!!Very cute! Yes we could use a laugh.

Okay, let's keep the humor going. Please ad your jokes to this thread too!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal-Mart yesterday a particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside.

Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around, hitting an older man working there as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing towards the two children, "Are they twins?"

Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?"

"No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice".

God loves those old people. THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS ...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he
says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think that you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the
stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher." 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

< /FONT>18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Da ng!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Subject: TGIF

Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a
T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday
Tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says,

"I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. Why my lips stayed chapped on Mother's Day
>   So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently
died.
>   Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on
him
>and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day
long on
>this mat in our bathroom.
>   Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years
>old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
>Chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then
losing it.
>So, finally, one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my
Chapstick
>and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it
right
>back in the drawer when he was done.
>   Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
>trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My
two
>boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my
>little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
>   Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a
>wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
>   We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am
>looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner
>to go into the bathroom.
>   And there was Eli. He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to
>Jack's... rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped."
>   Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little butts
>do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
>   And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was
the
>FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth ???
>   And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever . . . because it
>reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious
little
>creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been
>using your Chapstick on the cat's butt.I love this thread. I will have to copy and paste these great jokes. Then I will have to work on my presentation. I ALWAYS blow the punch line or start laughing so hard I can't finish the joke Thanks guys for lightening up my day.Luv the jokes. I have one, but like Roxy, I will have to make sure of it otherwise I will blow it for sure. Goood idea for a thread! Smiles and giggles are very catchy So - I got lucky and found a copy of it on the net - so here goes! Ladies I'm sure will enjoy this one! Particularly if you have or have had a 6 year old daughter!!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

I'M NEVER, EVER, GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR.

EVER!
Kiwilass239227.9627199074And I have another one, just in case you're wondering what do do with yourself when you give up working!!

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a

shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a
cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a guy a break?" He
ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a terd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important .

Why God Made Moms

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make Mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make Mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are Mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your Mother & not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least 0 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms & Dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & Dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting on his wife to shop?

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3' in House wares!"..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

....and; last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG STINKING HOUSE

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

Sooooo...I have been struck with insomnia which usually happens when I have things on my mind. This is what I will look like when I finally roll out of the bed in the morning. Or afternoon. LOL!!

The wife (undoubtedly blond)picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here" and hung up.

The husband said "Who was that?" The wife said "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear"

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on tv. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust: "You just don't understand, you old coot. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from

Switzerland

asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it." "Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next! Oh, my I am still laughing. These are great - keep em coming!

Did you hear about the man who over-dosed on Viagra?

They had to have an open casket

************************************************************ ********

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

**********************************************************

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It isn't hard.

************************************************************ **************

What are the three worst words to hear during sex?

"Honey, I'm home"

************************************************************ **************

Old woman "I slip a viagra pill in my husbands cocoa every night"

Friend "To perk up your sex life"?

Old woman "No! to stop him falling out of bed if he turns over in his sleep"

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became
necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half
finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on March 27th of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra
long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. MEMO : TO ALL EMPLOYEES -   Effective  MAY 2007 1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio, Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do Not Need a pay raise. 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise. 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise. We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are called Sunday. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives, friends or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employee involvement attend the arrangements. In rare cases where the employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minutes limit in the cubicles. 2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's notice board under the "chronic offenders" category. 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. 1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they will look healthy. 2,. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a "slim-fast." Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's and input should be directed elsewhere.
INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian whose given   name was "Onestone." So named because he had only one testicle.   He hated that name and asked everyone not to call Him Onestone.   After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said, "If Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,
Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
He made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????..........................

OH,   Come On...Take A Guess!

Think About It............!

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is....................... keep   reading

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Okay - it's a bit naughty!! But your laughing!!! Right??

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

      "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
      girl."

      The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

      "Yes, Father, it is."

      "And who was the girl you were with?"

      "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

      "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so
      you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

      "I cannot say."

      "Was it Teresa Volpe?"

      "I'll never tell."

      "Was it Nina Capelli?"

      "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

      "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

      "My lips are sealed."

      "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

      "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

      The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
      Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
      cannot be an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
      yourself."

      Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
      whispers, "What'd you get?"

      "4 months vacation and five good leads."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
A man comes home from work to his condo and is parking his car. He gets out, gets his briefcase and other items and hears a whistle. He looks around the condo project, sees nothing, goes about his business locking up his car, and hears another whistle. He looks again and across the courtyard on the third floor balcony is a woman in a negligee, beckoning him with her hand to join her. He CANNOT believe it. He counts down the balconies, locks up his car, grabs his stuff, and runs down the condo courtyard.

He runs up three flights of stairs, pounds down the hallway and bangs on the door. The door opens. Its a beautiful women, in an elegant negligee. She takes his hand and pulls him inside. She puts aside his briefcase and leads him into her bedroom. He is in disbelief.

She pushes him down on the bed to sit. She slowly removes his suit coat, his tie, his shirt. She pushes him back on the bed. She undoes his belt, unzips his pants, take it out and with a series of hard SMACKS says "don't you EVER park in my parking spot EVER AGAIN".
Hi everyone THANKS for the great laughs, I even read some outloud to my husband who was chuckling away.

What a great idea, sarah

GREAT NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse" After a few minutes the Operator returned to the phone,
"Oh, Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine: her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t."

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Just a little shot of Aussie humour.
No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room, yelled...

Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"
Love em, Love em, Love em.........................
KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.