Hi, I was so pleased that Dr. Phil had a woman on his show who had MS and her 'clod' of a husband couldn't handle it ....Dr. Phil had an expert on the disease and talked to the husband, etc. You can call up his show on Dr. Phil.com if you want to view it, or send a message about how similar dealing with MS is to our situation. 'we don't look sick and neither did she'!! It was a great show for people who deal with diseases like ours every day.
Sarah
I saw that too Sarah. It was interesting. I didn't think of the husband as a "clod" though, LOL. I think he's just scared and only seeing things from his point of view, but you could tell that he really does care about his wife.
The book sounded like a good one "Lean On Me". I think I will check it out, what about you?
Yes, the book sounds great. I will read it. sarahI didn't think he was a clod either. I just felt that he lacked understanding of what it is really like to have a chronic illness. I feel he truly loves and cares about his wife and is extremely worried about her health and her future. I think they will suceed well with the offered counseling and move forward and put this bump in the road behind them. My husband is very understanding and has a great amount of knowledge of my ra, but that does not stop him from being frustrated with the disease and with me at times. We do work thru it and do move ahead. I feel that is the key to suceeding in any relationship that a chronic disease is thrown in.
I loved the piece on the mom and her teen daughter. It is interesting what happens to the brain when everything gets so out of control. I knew teens didn't have a brain!! LOL!! I;m just kidding. I need to practice some more self control so things don't get out of hand as they do at times. My kids need to be as prepared for the world as possible!!!
He seemed like a fake to me. All he cared about was what if his wife couldn't get up and take care of the children (and him probably)! SarahSorry, I have to disagree that he was being selfish in that statement. What would happen if she could no longer get up and care for the children, him, or the house? My husband worries about that all the time!! And he isn't being selfish, he is being concerned. Seriously, this couple has small children. He works outside of the home. If his wife can not care for the children while he is at work then who will? If his wife can not care for herself while he is at work who will? He has to continue working to provide an income and most likely the health insurance they so desperately need. What he said about what happens when she can no longer do these things is a very valid fear. Who will take care of his family when she can't?? Very very scary thing for men and women alike.
I take care of my husband when I am up to it on a daily basis. I make his coffee every morning/afternoon when it is time for him to get up, I dole out his meds to him every single day, I heat up his dinner when he comes home from work every single night. I get up at 1:15am to do that at times. Depends on the OT schedule he is on. I make sure my home is clean, I make sure he has clean uniforms, I schedule appts. around his sleeping schedule, and many other things I do for him. Why is it I take care of him like that? Respect. He busts his butt in a physically demanding job. In the summer, let's add heat and humidity to welding steel that sometimes is pre-heated to anywhere from 350-450 degrees F. He welds in small compartments that require some physical contortions that I don't know how he does. So I do all that I do for him out of respect and honor for what he does for us. Busts his butt. I just don't think it is all that off base for that husband to worry about who is going to take care of him if she can't.
IMO, he would be selfish if he refused counseling and refused to accept his wife's new limitations on life.
hi all, I guess everyone sees things differently. Dr. Phil agreed with you all, but I saw a guy who was really into his own 'pain, fears', ett. , his wife was beautiful, brave and HAD the disease. I gues I was less sympathetic with HIM, than you all. SarahLet's face it, having a painful chronic disease changes people. And it changes the family dynamics. It's a lot for everyone to cope with, and those of us who have chronic disease need to be sensitive to the other's around us who are impacted by this disease. When we get sick, and I am just as guilty of this as anyone, we tend to focus on ourselves, on what's hurting today, or what we can't do anymore. We can start to see the world with blinders on, and not understand that others are devastated that life as they knew it, and the person that they knew are gone. They are suffering a loss, and need to go through the stages of grief. This poor man was stuck on anger, on the "it's not fair that this happened to us" stage. He needs help moving past that.
And I honestly have some issues with her being so accepting. She's a bit too accepting for my liking. As the author indicated, doctors can tell you to go home and accept life in a wheelchair, and the author refused to do that - just look how well she is doing. As patients we need to keep trying to improve our health and the circumstances of our lives.
I often ask myself how I would feel if my husband were to become disabled. How would I handle it if the shoe were on the other foot, and the thought terrifies me. Those of us who have been around elderly grandparents or parents with serious illnesses know how physically and emotionally exhausting it is to care for someone who is very ill. It's heartbreaking to watch someone you care for suffer, and watch as the person inside disappears, and nothing is left but the disease. I will never allow that to happen to me - not because of how I would suffer, but because of how my family would suffer. I refuse to give up and will do everything in my power to remain an active, positive force in this family's lives. I absolutely have my pity party days, we all do. But I refuse to make a career out of it.
I had a friend who was diagnosed with MS and she and her husband divorced because he couldn't accept the fact that his beautiful wife was ill. I happened to be friends equally with the wife and husband. I was surprised because I understood where he was coming from and I knew there were many more issues than just her health. They were never able to work it out and divorced. I was happy when they finally broke apart because they were able to start new lives. They both did that successfully and went on to other careers and both had families.
I didn't see the show, but it's been intersting reading the thread. Sometimes divorce is good even if we don't think the reasons are right. LindyI recently have taken care of a lady with end stage MS. All she is able to do
is move her lips and talk to us. Totally paralysed. It is tragic. She just
turned 50. She was diagnosed 8 years ago and her husband is so
supportive. A year ago, he found out he has MS also, how weird is that? He
has the exacerbative form where she has the chronic progressive form. I keep forgetting the 'me generation' has grown up and become 'sorta adults', sarah
The "me generation"? What age range is that? I haven't heard of that before.
Sarah I don't think anything we've said is about "all me". Marriage can't exist if it's all about me, whether it's a husband or a wife. I didn't see any of that in the story either.
While the husband on the show absolutely said some insensitive things, he still seemed to be a man who loves his wife and family. Who hasn't said insensitive things when they hurt and angry? I actually think one of the reasons their marriage CAN survive this is the fact that he is saying those things out loud. He's being honest about how he is feeling at the time, but he's also willing to see how it is impacting her, and wants to get past the negative feelings he has. How many spouses out there would keep it all bottled up inside, never complaining, and then just one day decide "that's it, I'm outta here".
MS is a devastating diagnosis - for EVERYONE involved. In that one moment when his wife received her diagnosis, his entire future, and all the things he envisioned for himself and his family were changed, and probably in his mind, completely stolen from him. It is very much like a death, and that takes some time to adjust to. And the steps of grieving are the same, there's denial, "No she's really not sick, or at least not THAT sick. She could do more than she does", and there's anger and blame, etc. It's all normal, Sarah, and he isn't a clod because he feels that way. And obviously, to her credit, his wife doesn't see him as a clod.
I'm sorry you are so upset about my take on all of this. I didn't mean to make you defensive. I am very glad you started this topic and have opened all of this up for discussion. It's a very real topic for everyone here, and we all come at it from a different frame of mind, and a different place in time.
I didn't mean to put anyone on the defensive either. Sorry if I did.
I feel we all go thru the 7 stages of grief when we are diagnosed with a chronic illness. Our spouses, partners, and families also go thru that too. I have to question you tho Sarah on if you would call my children selfish and clods because they are angry at times with me over my illness. And also they wonder what would happen if I could no longer care for them or their dad. They have point blank asked me some of things that the guy on the show was asking. A chronic illness does not just affect the person that has it. It affects the entire family dynamic.
Here are the Kubler-Ross 7 stages of grief. Does anyone recognize themselves or their spouses, partners, or family members going thru these steps?
Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.