tough day i had today. woke up to a complete surprise, all my body numb and stiff... great discomfort came from just resting,scary thought that of your bones having a harpoon like quality that scratches the inside of your articulations.... so i hold my breath and find that somehow i still have energy to move, even though i fear falling since my movements now have become dull and i lack the strange confidence in my well being i had yesterday... my god was just sitting in a chair just like a living hell... i wondered if there was a greater remark from life that things where falling apart, my morning today was almost only pondering bout my life growing up, how did it got to this point, where did it seem to be going, why? what for to just keep trying? what was to be done...
so trying not to freak out i grab what was first on hand and went out to experience life outside of my usual circle of activities and decided to go to my old job to see about some money the owe me... the guard didn't let me in after an hour of giving me a phn num to a dead line where they are supposed to give you an appointment... so i called every supervisor i knew and they all told me to keep dialing the number..... irony is that at the call center that i worked we did the exact thing with our clients... karma, i guess.... walking downtown i bought some natural tea for arthritis... and visited a friend at the beach... walking actually served me well, since i started to feel warm and there was a decrease in the discomfort on existing... a friend i wrote a letter to yesterday said he was tired of hearing me cry bout how hard life was for me, and to keep my abstract thoughts to myself, learn to channel those emotions, that i had to get used to working like a dog to have life crap you in the hand and learn to enjoy the downward spiral that was beginning to form and to start doing what others do... people need me to be strong, im no good otherwise.. only would drag them down.. so now, coming home from the first day of the rest of my life i fear no death for i have begun to accept my condition and feel blessed that im getting to experience one of the hardest of all roads, why? i ask myself again, why to be happy in all this misery... well that wish has the power to show you this much of emotion and make one moment as powerful as a whole life time must have a deep trans formative effect.. im purifying my soul getting ready to transcend to another realm of consciousness , letting go of an artificial world made of echoes and broken images... i wish you all health and a confidence in your own strength
peace
AfroBlue, please see a rheumatologist. You need medical intervention or at
least some kind of treatment more agressive than arthritis tea. Diet,
excercise and underlying conditions can all be factors. Also, please visit
www.roadback.org for alternate treatment options.
And hang in there.AfroBlue... Your sounding really down right now and I think we can all understand... Depression is a part of all this and it can really get you down at times. Im new to all this myself and Im still waiting on my tests I up and down with my emotions and its really hard to pull myself out of a funk sometimes thinkin of what my future is.... and when Im hurtin its all just worse... You really need to go in to see a dr. they can help with every aspect of the disease physical and psycological... Hope you are feeling better soon... You should really call someone and maybe just talk to them....Maybe call and talk to your dad???
Linda
Well you are not alone, I feel as though my life is slowly falling apart as well. I have no advice either. I think it goes under the category of : SH*T happens.
I am not wanting to spend the remainder of my life catering and tending to my mother who exaggerates everything ( I know I sound mean but you have to live it to understand it). Most of the men I meet and spend time with tend to fade out of my life due to me living with my mother, and due to the RA and due to they "are busy". SO I have accepted in these past few weeks that I will be alone in my old age;the kids will probably be in some other state involved in their own lives.
Maybe the solution is a whole new life, change it all...at least that is going to be my solution, I think.All I have to do is get the basement and my old office cleared out and I am good to go, course I will need a job and hope like heck my RA stays manageble.
jode
Maybe what you really need to do is to remember back to the time when you were happy and see what you are doing different now from then, I have had to do that several times.
Change things back to the way they were when you were happy!!!!!! I have often thought of doing that as well, change is difficult and it may be easier to find the peace you are looking for in what you already had...I often think, I need to change this an dchange that but most of the time it is routine that is the saving grace in our lives, the familiar things.
DO you think that would help? Being sad liek you are is not a good place to be, I know all too well and have learned the hard way through life.
jode
hehe, i belive im slowly becoming a child.. where everything seemed full of posibiltys and your world was full of wonders.. krishnamurty insisted in on the note that we tend to fear pain and go towards what is safe, that fear of acceptance to a new state of life fills us with doubts ... and what the bleep do we know is also in my head, we make our own reality with our thoughts... its all truth. just different levels of truth , different levels of awareness.. different manifestations of consciousness
Only when I'm trippin"
You are waaaay out there dude.
jode
sorry for my way of typing.. but im very fond to words and have a deep instrospective... i really like to clarfy mi point of view when i express emotion.. beauty in all gives me a humbleness that i cannot hold in words... im sleeping at the beach lately.. .im loking for a place to lie death for a while... oh, im also not taking pain medicines so that kinda makes me delusive... the pain makes me loose focus... i must find something to hold my atention for the rest of the night.. thnks for the feedback
You're an eloquent writer, Blue, and it was a joy to read what you had written, even though the subject matter strikes a dissonant chord with many of us. Just to let you know, many of us have had similar feelings.
"Normal" friends will find our complaints a threat to their own mortality, thus I never share with them. If asked how I am, I always reply positively, for if one is honest, it is usually met with some innanity that will a) be hurtful b) bad advice, or c) plain piss you off.
Take each day as it comes, for as surely as there are bad days with this disease, there are relatively good ones. True, we'll never be sound of body as we once were, but by the same token, we were given a gift at birth called coping, which all of us learn well as a result of the "gift" of pain.
Hope this makes sense.
J