OT-any way to get out of a BIL’s wedding? | Arthritis Information

 

I am so stressing about this.  My husbands brother is getting married next month.  They are not overly close but do speak on the phone on a somewhat regular basis.  Their wedding is 5 hours away.  A five hour drive is torture for me. We are also supposed to pick up his other brother at the airport before we leave but of course he hasn't made the flight reservations so who knows when that is going to be. Now, I just find out today that we are supposed to be there at 1pm on a Friday to help set up for the rehearsal dinner, (that means leaving at like 7am What does your husband say?Could you possibly go the day before, stay at a hotel, and then stay one
day longer so it's not all so condensed? Or is there a small airport so that
you can fly instead of driving? Also, please tell whoever is planning that
you are not physically up to setting up furniture (isn't that what caterers
are for?) If you have a hotel room you can leave whenever you feel tired
and go lay down.

So do your in-laws think that no religious person ever gets sick? Or if
they do it must be because they're faking their faith? I'm sorry, but that is
just so smug and annoying (I know you have similar feelings about it).

If I were you I would do everything I could to be nice to myself through it,
don't worry about saying "no" (they're called 'boundaries'), be gracious to
the annoying in-laws and try to have a good time, if possible.
Unfortunatly weddings are family obligations and they're not called "crisis
rites" for nothing!Or if your husband is okay with it, don't go!I cant beleive I am in a similar situation. Too long of a story but I think I want to be honest but may lie about it . I havent made up my mind.

The truth is I just dont want to go to a friends kids wedding. ( I knew her since I was twelve)  There is lots of drinkers in her family and my husband has been sober for 25 years this September. My husband absolutely dosent want to go. How do I tell her that?? I dont want to go either. I dont like her relatives and I have put up with them for the last time. ( The last wedding)

Michele, Cant you just lie and say you are having a flare and send your husband. He will understand. It's his family so he will be comfortable. If not you may have to suck it up and go anyway.


I thought about going earlier to rest but I have to work, getting the whole day off Friday is getting me into hot water with the boss as it is.  I may be able to leave an hour to two early Thursday, I am supposed to work until 6, its a half hour commute home. So, if we do that, it will be midnight or later before we get there!
Respect and courtesy are traits to be found in civilized people.  You are indeed deserving of both and they, respect and courtesy, are two-way streets.

Your husband should  be standing by you on this one but because he doesn't want to stand-up for you and put his family in their place his being pissed at you is his way of avoiding his responsibility to you. When a man/woman marry their first responsibilty is to their relationship!

I don't ordinarily give advice but this time I say, "Don't Go." Nobody knows how you feel and evidently aren't considering how you feel and your ultimate responsibility in regard to your health is with you.

Take Care Sweetie.

I'm afraid I have to respectfully disagree.  I say suck it up and go if you can.  It's obviously important to your husband that you be there, and that should mean something.  As long as they want you around, be there!  I know it will be hard, but sometimes you do hard things in a marriage, because it's important to the other person.  This is his brother, and his family, and he wants his wife to be there with him. 

In-laws can be tough - many of us have in-law stories.  But no matter how difficult they are, they raised the man you love, so if nothing else, be grateful to them for that.  And Michele, you are such a sweetheart, I know you can find people at the wedding to visit with and have a good time.

Do whatever you need to do to make it easier on yourself.  Stop often while traveling, get out and move around.  Do the things you need to do to make it comfortable and bearable, but please try to go.  And try to do it without complaining and presenting it like you're being a martyr.  (Not that you would, please, I don't mean that, I just mean put on a happy face and do it for your husband without making him feel guilty about it.)  I know you and your hubby have been through some tough times lately, and this could be a bigger deal to him than you realize. 

If you ever hope to get along with the out-laws, it is a command performance.  You can get out of the work by simply telling them that you are not well.  I like the idea of going up a day early.

 

J

My parents are the same way. "If you pray and believe in God you will be well and have no pain"

I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was 15. My mom would NOT let them put me under, and what they had said was going to be an hour surgery turned into SIX hours. (one of my bottom teeth was imbedded in my JAW). I was in SO much pain sitting there with my mouth open. Because it was bone, there wasn't enough novacain in the world to numb it. I was screaming in pain the entire time....they had TWO nurses in there. One to hold my hand and catch my tears with a towel, and the other to assist the surgeon. They even asked my mom after they got in and realized it wasn't going to be a routine surgery if they could put me under. She said NO. THHen because she was annoyed by ME (screaming when I could), and the sound of the drill and all the blood. SHHE LEFT. Got an estimate on "how long", and came back about 4hrs later. Was bitching about having to wait another hour for them to finishh (shhe went shopping)

She nearly refused to fill the script for pain meds (they don't believe in them), but I begged the Dr to make her do it. So he threatened legal action if she didn't go fill it for me. BUt even when we got home, all she wanted to give me was tylenol and ibprofen. I actually passed out on the stairs from the pain later that night. I lost 10lbs in about a week....because I was in so much pain I was sneaking benedryl and sleeping as much as possible. Because sleeping was whhen I didn't feel pain.

My mom and dad felt that my "faith" wasn't strong enough, and instead of calling the Dr when I was still swollen and crying from pain a week later...they called their PASTOR and had him come to the hhouse to pray with me. I KID you not.

I moved out 9 months later. I couldn't get away fast enough!! To this day my jaw still clicks and I have pain every so often from that....10 years later. I remember that vividly.

They heard about my joint pain from my aunt. Last time I saw her (my aunt, I don't speak to my parents) she told me that my mom told her I had probably turned into a heathen, and God was punishing me with pain.

And they wonder why I think they are nuts?? That and a whole bunch of other issues.

Oh, yeah, sweetie, you probably SHOULD go to the wedding. But refuse to move furniture. Maybe go get a facial instead!!
Tough situation!! 3 hrs in the car to Austin, and I'm miserable for a week! I can't imagine 5!!

 

Hi,

I agree with Watchingwolf.  Don't go. Take care.

Michele, I don't ever give advice in personal situations but this one warrants a response.  I also believe that respect, compassion, and consideration are a two way street and if I know that I'm going to be in a social situation where none of those things are present I don't go.  Why, to make yourself more miserable? To end up in a fight with your husband or his family?  To suppress your anger and increase your stress level?  Going to this wedding isn't going to make or break your marriage.  If you don't go, your husband will use it to either weaken or strengthen the marriage and to support you or not support you.  Not going or going to this wedding isn't the problem in your marriage and it won't be the solution. 

If you make your mind up not to go - DON'T FEEL GUILTY, look at it as some time to yourself.  There are a lot of different opinions on this one and the answer lies only within you.  We're all very different people and our experiences are as varied.  Spend some quiet time in the next couple of weeks, look into your heart and find the answer.  We can only tell you what we'd do and that might not be the right thing for you to do.  Lindy   

 

 Michele, ultimately only you can make the decision to go or not. If you think it may hurt your relationship with your hubby if you don't, it may be best if you did. You've had a hard time lately coping with pain and depression and I feel so bad for you. Good luck on whatever you decide and try to have a good time.

 Tell your inlaws that God gave wisdom and knowledge to Drs.to help people. Luke was one of the four major deciples who wrote the Gospels and he was a PHYSICIAN. Nowhere in the Bible does God tell people not to go to Drs. or use medicines. That's absurd!!

 

[QUOTE=Gimpy-a-gogo]Could you possibly go the day before, stay at a hotel, and then stay one
day longer so it's not all so condensed? Or is there a small airport so that
you can fly instead of driving? Also, please tell whoever is planning that
you are not physically up to setting up furniture (isn't that what caterers
are for?) If you have a hotel room you can leave whenever you feel tired
and go lay down.[/QUOTE]

I think this is a great idea. it would solve a lot of your issues both with travel and having your own space.

 

'I'm afraid I have to respectfully disagree.  I say suck it up and go if you can.  It's obviously important to your husband that you be there, and that should mean something.  As long as they want you around, be there!  I know it will be hard, but sometimes you do hard things in a marriage, because it's important to the other person.  This is his brother, and his family, and he wants his wife to be there with him.'

I also agree with Hillhoney, sometimes you just have to suck it up.  Buy a copy of the book, Bad Things Happen to Good People, and give it to your in-laws.  Even Paul suffered 'a thorn in his flesh' that he asked God to take away but he didn't.  Your RA has NOTHING to do with where you are spiritually.

 

 'Oh, yeah, sweetie, you probably SHOULD go to the wedding. But refuse to move furniture. Maybe go get a facial instead!!

MsMidge, that is one FANTASTIC idea!

There has been lots of advice given, its up to you to make up your mind what to choose.  Don't use your RA as an excuse to get out of something you just don't want to do (which is what I think this wedding is).  Just make sure you arrange things for your comfort physically and emotionally, but be there with a smile on and find someone un-obnoxious to chat with and have a great time.  The last thing you want to do is give the in-laws 'ammunition' for future sermons.

My opinion is very nicely explain to your husband that if you go, you need to do so slowly, with lots of rest and no expectations. Tell him that you may need to get out a lot during the 5 hour drive, sleep during the set up etc. Put yourself first. I've been trying to do that too. It's hard isn't it? If your husband isn't receptive to that idea, then suggest you stay home. See how well that flies. Good luck my friend.
Me again. About a year-and-a-half ago I found myself dealing with a similar circumstance.  Initially, my ever so sweet supportive husband was with me when I made the decision to stay home. Then family members on his side began talking to him and he began pressuring me to change my decision. 

My response was quite simple: If he went without me I really didn't have a problem with him going. However, I expected him to be straight forward in letting his family know he supported my decision and he was not to pass along any apologies from me to them. Also, if I received any type of direct or indirect negative feedback they wouldn't ever walk through my front door or back door.  He chose not to go.

The Bible teaches us that we are to reach out to others and lend a helping hand, understanding, etc.. My God is a Loving God but the Evil One isn't loving at all and therefore the trials and tribulations that befall us aren't God's doing.  Personally, I believe it's blasphemy to blame God for our illness.  You all Take Care.

My situation was somewhat similar. My sister was getting married yet my fiance' would not travel  to go with me after I had gone not only to his daughters' wedding but to his nephew's wedding as well. Now  that may not sound too significant but my nephew was visiting in Michigan from California at the time with his new baby.

Point being, I drove to visit my sis, nephew and baby ( 3 1/2 hours from Muncie to Portage)then drove back for wedding #1......after wedding drove back to MI to visit my sis, nephew and baby, then drove back to wedding #2 ( tim was the photographer for that wedding and really wanted me there and also his parents had flown in for both weddings). After wedding #2 drove back to visit the last of few days my nephew and baby would be in Michigan, next time I would see them would be over a year.

I was totally exhausted and on the verge of my ulcers. The car was racking up miles and it was rather expensive to say the least. I did this all for Tim but he did not see it that way.

Then my sister was to be married and I was the maid of honor..... Tim would not go to the wedding. I was very hurt. Extremely hurt actually especially after all the traveling I did because he wanted me to be at the 2 weddings. Life is so unfair!

I never complained, nagged or became angry, maybe I should have, maybe that would have made a difference. I wanted to be with my family and also with him and his family so I worked out the scheduling to manage both places...and it was just not good enough. Bummer huh?

 Try to work things out with your hubby and remember that you do not have to particpate as a guest..it would be nice since your hubby is in the wedding but let's face it, not all of us are able to do that. If the in-laws give you crap, chances are they will give you a hard time regardless of either decision you make. You are kind of in a "no-win" situation here so when that happens, I always do what is best for my health and for those closest to me. That may or not be what you need to do. Sleep on it a few days and see how you feel about it.

Good luck on your decision.

jode

jodejjr39244.8472916667The weekend before last we drove 3.5 hours away for my stepson's wedding.  I was doing a bridal shower on Saturday and that night I had set up a rehearsal dinner (luckily catered) then the wedding the next day.  Since my soon to be daughter-in-law's mother was not in favor of the wedding and my stepson's mother was not interested in helping I was doing much of the work.  I did all the set up for table decorations and designed all the jewelry.  I volunteered for this and thought I had planned carefully.

We had a blast, it was beautiful.  I did notice my stepson's mom "disappeared" during the setup and break downs.  Very convenient.  Long story short, I took the following Monday off to recover, but my daughter who is in school 1000 miles away broke her leg in 2 places and had to have surgery.  So the Monday I was to have off, I actually spent 10 hours prepping for taking a week off to help my daughter during and after surgery. 

I thought I had things well planned out but life hit and I am now exhausted still behind at work.  Luckily I am a teacher and as soon as the quarter is over I will have a week off. 

Good luck on whatever you decide and maybe I should send you my husbands ex wife's number so you can get tips on "disappearing" when there is work to be done. I definitely say "don't go".  Respect works both ways, they do not show respect in the first instance expecting you to do all this knowing your condition, I have always given in for my in-laws but I came to realise that you get no thanks for it, so why bother, they are going to bitch whatever you do, so let them bitch and be kind to yourself!  I am sure your'e husband will understand, he has been living with it and knows you are not able, best of luck, Janie.

Michele - This is such a hard question but break it down into pieces

Only go if you are feeling able to do so, dont go if your pain levels and fatigue is really bad. It wont do you any good and it might put extra pressure on your relationship.

If you do feel relatively ok then go but maybe while they are getting the place ready for the rehersal you might be able to rest up or go for that facial. If during the rehersal dinner you feel unable to cope then make your excuses and leave, if Will needs to stay on then say thats ok as he is in the wedding party. Get lots of rest before the wedding and get Wills support in case his parents arent unerstanding.

First and foremost though is both you an Will need to speak about this before you go and make plans should things be bad for you.

As for the dogs.........well if i was any closer I would look after them

Now if you are definately on the verge of seperation and you don't care one way or the other about apperances I say definately blow it off. What's the point, right? They won't be your family much longer and who cares what they think or how you make your husband feel, right?

I understand the In-Law thing. Although mine aren't quite as bad as yours they aren't exactly crazy about me and I'm not exactly crazy about them. However for my husbands sake I put on a good face and I treat them with respect that I feel would make my husband proud. It's about my husband and showing respect to him more than it is about the In-Laws. You are actually lucky that yours live so far away. Honestly; how often do they even come into play in your daily life?

Obviously my husband and yours are quite different though. My husbands first concern would be about me and my comfort during this trip. He would see to it that accommodations were made if nessesary that would put me at ease. Maybe in the end your husband will end up doing that as well.

I think in the end you need to ask yourself what is most important to you with this situation.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

Wow, that was great!  I really appreciate all the varying opinions and everyone sharing your personal stories with me.

Ms. Midge-I am so sorry that your parents put you through that, I can't even imagine.  HUgs

Honestly, I do not know where my marriage stands.  We are civil at best.  We don't scream or yell at each other but we are very distant.  I have noticed that he, and well, I guess I do it too, have taken to saying some cheap shots.  His mostly are about my illness-how I am going to break him financially, things like that.  We have no sex life.  Mostly because I have no desire and because I hurt too much.  I guess right now, I just don't have the energy to figure it out.  I have been in really bad relationships before and this really isn't one of those, I am not in danger or anything.

He wasn't home last night so I had time to chill.  This morning we did talk briefly about it. I calmly told him this is just too much for me.  He said me not going isn't an option.  So, I said ok however, I promised I would attend the wedding only.  I am not IN the wedding so do not NEED to be at the rehearsal.  If they want to help set up, fine but I will be in the room resting.  If he and his brother want to go to brunch the next day, fine, but again, unless I am feeling a whole lot better, I will not go to that either. 

Will didn't necessarily seem too happy about it but didn't say too much.  I reminded him that I HAVE to work both Thursday and Monday, getting Friday off is hard enough and that I just can't wear myself down that much.  I reminded him how I ended up during our party, on the couch, covered in ice bags by 9:30.  I reminded him how I am still paying for going to the concert this weekend.  I just do not have the strength to do anything but work and since I can't stop working for financial reasons....I have no life

I think you guys are right, if I go, I have to suck it up and put on a happy face.  However, I think if I do not go it will give the in-laws ammunition as someone put it and it would also strain are already strained marriage.  The thing I have to face is not only my health and fatigue but the fact that I KNOW Will is going to be off and running around with his family and when we get there and I actually tell him again that I am not doing ALL the functions, I know he is going to be upset.  But, I just can't.  If I could take the week before and the week after off work, maybe but that's not a possibility.

Will did get rather upset with me this morning and said I need to be more positive.  This isn't the first time we have had this discussion.  Basically, he believes that I can think myself well.  While I agree that a positive attitude DOES indeed help, it is not going to cure RA and whatever other crude I have.  I told him I was being realistic and he keeps telling me I am being negative.

My head hurts, I am weak, in pain, still flarring and just want to hide under the bed until I am well.  I just am out of dealing capabilities at the moment.  I have the appt with the pain doctor tomorrow, which of course, Will is too busy to go with me.  I always get nervous and sort of sugar coat things when I go.  I already sent her that letter Friday afternoon but I think I an going to spend a few minutes today and write out what an average day is like in my life and hand it to her tomorrow.  She needs to know my "real" life on a daily basis.  I don't how how else I am supposed to get through to these doctors.

You guys are a great help, even just letting me vent and get it all out to people who understands.  It helps to make me feel less crazy!  Thank you all!

Oh michele, its horrible that things have to be this way but I think its now that you have to sit down with Will and sort out what is important to you both. Your health is important as its how you function everyday and Will should be supportive, I say should be as its probably hard for him to see you so ill.

A fully functioning married life is great in an ideal world but with any disease this world is far from it. Money issues are important but not to that degree . I am all for a positive attitude but you cant force it if you are dealing with pain. Have you seen a marriage counsellor?It might be what you both need to understand how the other is feeling.

The wedding is important to Will but not as important as his wife.

Take care Michele

 

Bow out gracefully?  Michele if you're not feeling well, I'd just bow out period.  Don't worry about the in-laws and the rest of the family....they will get over it or they won't.  Your health is more important than any conclusions they come to or gossiping they decide to do.  It's not like you're keeping Will from going.  He should go and he should have a good time with his family.  I really don't see the big deal.  I'm not saying anything bad about Will however, I am disappointed that he's not being more understanding.  My boyfriend goes back and forth.  He'll be very helpful and supportive and then the next time he may act like a total jerk and have an attitude.  It used to make me feel guilty and I'd force myself to do things I knew I shouldn't or wasn't up for just so I didn't have to deal with his MOOD.  I have learned not to do that anymore because the only person it hurts in the end is me.  His mood is his problem and he has the option of leaving if he really can't deal with it.  Sometimes I have to set him straight and tell him "I know this disease is hard for you and you hate it but let me tell you something...you don't hate it more than I do and be thankful you don't have it because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I wish EVERY DAY that it would go away but it's not going to so let's try to deal with it together the best we can".  I have learned that during some of our talks he's not angry AT me, he is angry at this disease and the pain and limitations it causes.  It's hard for them too and although it doesn't affect them the same way as it does us...it certainly affects them and their life as well.  I had to laugh at the part that they said if you found God you'd be cured (not sure if those were your exact words).  My ex mother-in-law used to tell me I had the devil in me just because I didn't go to church

Good luck to you Michele & let us know how it goes.

Peace & Love...Neasy

 

Michele how are you doing?  Any updates on the wedding ordeal?  I've been watching to see if you've posted.  I know there's no easy way to deal with the situation and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

Peace & Love....Neasy

I was also curious to see what you decided and how this played out. Post when you can. Love, J

I finally can see why Will has no idea how to support someone he loves through illness. Those marriage vows say in sickness and in health for a reason, but somehow his family has twisted illness into a lack of faith on your part.

Why don't you ask these people to pray you well at the wedding since their faith is so powerful?

Can you find a hotel that allows dogs so you can bring the kids with you? That would comfort me, if I was in your shoes.

LOL, Good idea Marian!!

As it stands right now, I agreed to go but I only agreed to go to the wedding.  I told Will that if I am not substantially better, I would not be attending the rehearsal dinner or Sunday brunch but would go to the wedding so as not to ruin it by not being in the pictures as his mother so lovely stated.
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