Is it really worth all the pain? Is it really worth all the problems trying to? Is it worth knowing you cannot please your spouse like you once were able to? It is worth not being able to actually enjoy it like you once did? It is worth not being able to do your favorite position because it causes more pain? Is it worth not being able to try new stuff out? Is it worth not being able to move afterwards?
Just wondering if anyone thinks it is not worth the effort anymore.
Me, its way too much effort and pain. Go for it my dear while you still can with HIM, you can tell God is a man, even gave us labor pains/manopause etc........Make him do all the work lol
Joonie - wow, am I proud of you for bringing up this topic. I am rendered BBS speechless. Thank gawd for KY Jelly when you have Sjorgen's. No. Its way overrated.For me, it's VERY much worth it. I love the closeness I feel during and after. Plus, "they" say it helps with pain. My husband knows what I can and can not do so there are no problems there.
There have been many times when I don't feel like having sex, but for the most part I go ahead anyway and ALWAYS am glad I did. I have to remember that my husband isn't ill and still has a decent sex drive and since he does so much for me daily, I do anything I can to let him know he's appreciated. He always asks first how I'm feeling and would never dream of asking when I'm in a lot of pain.
Kelly
kel
Well, for me it is kinda worth it and then it is kinda not worth it.
It is worth it because I do get to spend time with hubby and make him "happy".
It is not worth it because I cannot do what I want to do like I use to be able to do.
I know it does not bother hubby that I cannot do what I use to be able to do, but it bothers me. I mean if I cannot do what I want to do, then what is the point in even doing it?
IMPROVISE JOONIE!!! When I have gout in my feet, no way can I prop, when I have tendonitis in my elbow I go to one side, when I have bursitis in my shoulder, I can't lay flat...you get the picture LOL...
yes, I get the picture.
I think he thinks I am not up to it, but ya know I feel bad about telling him no not that position how about how we always to it. I think he needs position variety, but me I cannot give him that. There is only 3 ways I can without much problem.
I'm with kelstev, it's definitely worth it!!!
It's actually my only form of exercise.
I too have had times when I didn't feel up to it, but once I started, everything was fine. Sometimes I'll make sure to time it with my pain meds kicking in, and that helps.
Telling your partner what you want, and what you can do, is sooo important. It's not always easy...there are some times I end up crying because I just can't do what I want (and what he wants). But those times are the exception and we're both generally very happy.
Joonie and everyone who's having a difficult time with it, I feel for you. Focus on what you can do, instead of feeling bad about what you can't do. Sometimes a small adjustment in position, attitude, place, clothing, pillows, whatever, can make it feel different without doing acrobatics. And starting with massage is both sensual and helps the pain. Unfortunately (or fortunately), my hubby can't give me a massage now without getting too turned on.
Creative foreplay and taking extra time to be ready are more important for a successsful relationship than before RA.
The Arthritis Foundation has a good brochure with some helpful hints
http://www.arthritis.org/afstore/singleproduct.asp?idCat=&am p;idSubCat=&idproduct=3420
It's definately worht it!I agree, it's worth it. It releases chemicals in your brain that blocks pain. After I have an orgasm I have so much energy and feel wonderful. PLUS it;s supposed to burn lots of calories. LOL[QUOTE=buckeye]
Creative foreplay and taking extra time to be ready are more important for a successsful relationship than before RA.
[/QUOTE]
Ok... now how can you do "creative foreplay" with a not so functional right hand, and mouth that does not open wide enough to stick a spoon thru? Am I gonna use my nose (the only body part that seems to not be affected by JRA)?
Just want to know how you be "creative".
Just want to know how you be "creative". [/QUOTE]
Oh joonie, I'm so sorry you're hurting so bad! You could be creative with your nose, but maybe closed-lip kisses all over? The (hopefully) functional left hand? Rubbing your whole body against his? Using your feet? (I'm not tellin' what I do with my feets!
Sometimes a light touch is more powerful than a strong one.
InnerGlow -
It is not from pain, it is from damage. I have limitations on most of my joints now, as before when I was a teenager still in teenage remission, I did not have these limitations on body parts like I do now.
Hey if... I get all of my teeth pulled so I could get a spoon full of something in my mouth without having to slurp it off the spoon or fork, then maybe that would work
Oh and hubby does not like feet to touch any part of his body. He about has a hard time putting my socks on me.Ok, this is funny since we are sharing here. When my jaw locked and I couldn't open my mouth at all and still have limited range that I can open, my hubby wanted a doctors note saying that I couldn't preform oral sex anymore!
LMAO @ Michele!!! Now that was funny!
I might need to get me a dr's note saying that. But he will still ask for it! Need to find something else that will work in it's place. Maybe have him an official woman he can go to do that dirty deed for him?
So far we have always managed...somehow.. although we have ended up in a heap laughing because between the 2 of us it is not so easy to get enough parts working to get the job done.
Joonie nobody gets out of this life with everything working like it used too (unless they die really young). Please keep trying with that right hand, odds are you will regain much of what you have lost. Was it your right elbow you broke? It takes a long time to come back from an injury like that. Just keep trying to use it - no I'm not going to say exercise or PT to you.
Oh sex is for sure worth it and then some. I HAVE to have that close intimate time with my husband. He has to have it with me too.
We get pretty creative with postions etc. We have been creative for a long time because of my knee.
this is sure a lively topic, look how many responses you got, Joonie, just goes to show ya PMR or RA or OA doesn't reign supreme all the time on these forums.....................go for it while you can anyway, anyhow,A pregnancy about this point in my JRA would be nice. I usually go into preggo remission, so that would be one good thing. But another kid I cannot afford, so... ya know.
Oh and marian, no my elbow I broke is not on my right side, it is the left. My right wrist has very limited ROM, and my fingers do not cooperate and I cannot make a closed fist 95% of the time.
Wow you guys!!!! Never thought I'd hear this discussion here.
Hey Lisa, I think all that's REQUIRED is that you pretty much just have to lay thereI should put this question on a test. What is the largest sex organ in the body? The brain of course! (what were you thinking? You're so right Mary B. and it's better at 62 than it was at 42, maybe not as often but the quality is still there. I had a period of time when sex was the last thing I wanted but that passed. Anti depress and some meds for hypertension affect your libido and you could care less if you ever screwed again. Not on anti depress. and my BP meds are ok so sex is still part of our lives. Someone else mentioned Sjorgrens disorder. Another disease that sometimes goes along with RA. If a person is "dried out" it certainly could be uncomfortable to have sex. I am not sure who mentioned it but a "ditto" on the KY gel. They have it in lots of new, scents too
YOU ALL ARE CRACKING ME UP!!!! I can sooo relate to the age and surgery and menopause and all the 'itises and extra 5lbs (ok maybe 30) ... but the sex is still great at 53 and my DH does NOT call me "HIS Trophy WIFE' (I would sooo kill)...Have you seen the commercial??? UGHHHI actually found a tshirt for my husband that had "Trophy Husband" on the front. Boy does he looks when he wears it.
MARY I WANT ONE! WHERE DID YOU GET IT???
Here is the link. I am going to threaten my husband with the "Arm Candy" t shirt next.
THANKS SWEETIE, my DH will love you for this
http://www.cafepress.com/buy/arthritis/-/pv_design_details/p g_1/id_1120617/opt_/fpt_/c_360/
OMG This is too funny At least we are back on the sex topic. This is too funny. SIGH! if only this was true, we would all have very happy husbands.
Ok I got one for ya'll. FIL, Hubby, and I were going down the road to the home improvment center, there was this grey haired man, kinda fluffy in build, and he was riding a Harley. He passes us and his shirt read "My other ride has t*ts"
Ummmm.... yeah.... makes ya wonder what kina position they do.... Nevermind EW... EWW... EWWWW!!!!
You know what gets me? When I'm having one of those string of days of severe fatigue and my husband sort of "hints" that he can't wait till we get into bed that night. I then have the stress of wanting nothing more than to just fall asleep but I don't want to disappoint. I sort of - dare I say it - rush through it, so I can get to some sleep. I feel guilty. Then there are the days I can't keep my hands off him. Rollercoaster.....i know what you mean . all the evenings in pain loving to be close to my DH but knowing i would be suffering all the next day, kinda puts a dampner on things. but it wasnt till my husband has been in pain lately with recently diagnosed AS that he now realises what I have gone through to do the deed . so as you can imagine those evenings are now further appart than before.Have sex until you cant. Thats what keeps 2 people together. If not, you become like brother and sister.
I did think of one other option to possibly help satisfy the husbands, but it's not for everyone. Sometimes my hubby likes to touch himself while I'm just curled up next to him, telling him sexy stories.
It uses that big sex organ (the brain) and is low impact on the joints!
Great idea Innerglow. I know that would drive most men crazy. I mean think about it. If men like phone and internet sex (sometimes to the point of excluding their real life partner) how much more would they like that!
Well I'm not a man but I can tell you from experience, there's nothing like an injured or sick man to completely change his attitude about sex. My DH was severely injured by a lightning strike on the golf course several years ago. Thank the Lord he's OK now but he had a rough 6 months. Before the stike he could never understand why I didn't always want sex as much as he did. After all I didn't REALLY have to do anything, or so he said. His libido was always more active than mine and at times when I was sick, tired , or just not in the mood ,he always got his feelings hurt if I wasn't as enthusiastic as he was.Some men take that as rejection and my DH was one of them.
When he got struck though,there was a lot of numbness and tingles from the waist down for about six mos. Not to mention excruciating pain in every joint and muscle in his body. Being a man he wanted sex in his mind but his "body" couldn't perform. It was the most humbling experience for him I've ever seen. The change in him was dramatic. When all the feeling came back he was good as new but never again has he equated sex with love or rejection. He always makes sure it's the right time for us both and (GOD FORBID) it was probably the best thing that ever happened to us. I call it a backhanded blessing
Hahaha....I've seen that one before because I watched the whole series of
Penn and Teller's "Bullsh*t", which is where it comes from.
Oh that was so funny!!! Thank you so much for the laugh.
InnerGlow~ I did that for Danny when I had my hysterectomy and also when I have knee surgeries. I still do it if he asks me to. It was a great option for us when I was in that horrid flare. Ladies sex does not always equate with intercourse. I think that an Orgasm for both Male and Female is healthy and helps with all that hormone stuff. Gets the blood flowing I guess.( good for RA !!! ) Where there is a will there is a way. I would say what Innerglow said to extent except the other way around. I'm sure your husband would find it sexy if you pleasure yourself, less pain for you and probably gets the " job " done. Sorry about being so blunt but sex does help in keeping a couple together
I have NO drive at all....I really wish I did. I've told my husband hundreds of times...."I want to want it....I just don't know how to make myself want it." But he's one who asks for sex EVERY single day.....most days he asks more than once. If I say no once..chances are, I'm going to say no again. He totally doesn't grasp that most days I'm beyond exhausted. He just rolls his eyes--and of course after he's been tol no so many times a day..he gets pizzed off...I've offered "quickies" LOTS of times, but he's one who doesn't like quickies..and if I'm not totally into it, he won't do it. ( His loss I guess?)
Mary- I totally agree that the more he helps me out around the house with the 4 kids, making supper, doing other little odds and ends--it really does make me feel more "willing". Just last week I even had to bribe him with sex to get him to mow the lawn!! I was so ticked off- but it's just totally not possible for me to do it with my hands- or I'd be out there doing it. But he'd had 3 days off during the week--spent the days watching tv. ( while my youngest was at daycare$$$$) Once he had finished the lawn and "we were finished" I lit into him. Probably not the most "grown up" thing for me to do, but come on---I take care of the inside of the house ( in pain most days) all he truly has to do is the lawn....
Ok---enough rambling...I do agree sex is an important part of marriage, it does make you feel closer-, it does feel good-but I still don't want it most days...
I got one for ya... how many get stiff wrists, hands, and fingers, after pleasuring yourself?
I do... so I do not do it so much. I mean they are sooo stiff and toward the middle of it there is more pain and by the end my hand hurts soo much that what I just accomplished was just over-ridden by pain and wondering how I am to make my hand stop hurting and movable again.
Ok, so I am the only one yet again who is a freak!
Yeah, and then ya'll wonder why I say it is not worth the trouble
All yas gotta do it raise your hand I can't raise my hand, it's busy.This is the most interesting conversation I've read in a long time.
Sarah
Joonie and anyone HANDycapped or NOT: Find you a mall and go into Spencer's! Battery operated "gifts" are a must for the " physically challenged "!
It's a sex toy store Joonie, not a "made to order miracle husband" store
We got to go to a sex store when me and hubby turned 20 and we were on vacation with the in-laws in Panama City, FL. The store was called CondomKnowledge. It was pretty damn creepy. I was in there with my hubby and FIL. MIL stayed out in the car with SIL and our daughter. Yeah... those were the days..... I miss those days. Now my days are filled with sleep, pain, 2 kids, and heat!
LOL Joonie, Spencer's isn't really a sex toy store. Minors can go in so really I was just playin'. But they do have some neat things that kinda go over the edge if you use your imagination
Condomknowledge?? Sounds gross and kinda creepy to me too!
Awww, joonie, I just went out to dinner and came back...you're not the only freak! While I'm a total sex goddess with my hubby, I haven't been able to use my hand on myself in years (fatigue, pain and it's a bad angle). That, and I can't stand vibration because of my fibro sensitivities. Thankfully my hubby's very good to me, cause otherwise I'd be o-less.
I would send my Hubby emails.... pre-verted emails
But now that I am weening off the ol pred and more fatigued, and not up to much of nothing, and was off and on Humira over 6 months, I do not feel like doing much of anything. So... I stopped sending him emails.
But it was cool while it lasted. Thought this idea might help someone else
P.S. I know how to spell pervert, I just like to say it prevert.
joonieee, don't be so hard on yourself, I think you make a GREAT PRE-VERT !!! I email my husband those type of messages too. Oh baby come downstairs, I have something to show you. Of course, it is just me stuck on the floor that I had no business getting down on in the first place. Sometimes there are the special phone calls on my cell telling him I am hot and bothered, poor man. I really am (probably the pred) but I just wanted a cool drink and am too stiff to move. His favorite is when I ask him to come in our soaking tub together. I do have a heck of a time getting out of it.
This thread is fab - just wanted to share my strategy... I talk to my partner lots, explaining what hurts etc makes him sensitive eg I tell him during the day that my jaw is sore and when we're in bed he doesn't expect me to do anything with my mouth... Also I often ask him to give me a massage first, he's really good at it and I find it takes away the painful reminders of the day just gone and leaves me refreshed enough to have some fun! We've experimented with positions to find what works for different days. I agree with some of the previous posts that I often feel better after sex (as long as I don't overdo it) the endorphins released are natural painkillers and it's a good form of exercise but, like andy exercise, I am still working on finding the balance between doing enough and doing too much... I have also tried lying with my partner while he touches himself, either talking to him or gently stroking his skin in all those places that make him shiver. For us it's not about 'having' to do something, if I'm really tired we just have a cuddle (and maybe I get a massage) and sleep - we both know we'll make up for it when I'm feeling better!
KT
In addition to whatever autoimmune crap is going on with me I also have a rare neuro-muscular disorder so my husband and I are use to being creative. After read through these 8 pages I noticed that nobody mentioned the, "Love Swing." I know it sounds kinky but it's my assisted device for sex. The swing supports under your butt, across your upper back and your ankles or thighs. The straps are padded and my husband has to help me get into the contraption but it’s well worth it. Sometimes I just like being in it because it takes pressure off of painful joints. You can play around with different position but you are always supported which really helps keep me from aggravating my condition.Mmmmm....my partner and I have been discussing getting a love swing not
'cause we need it but because it looks pretty darn fun!First I sent a link for a different topic (housing for RA) to my husband, that was about a really cool shower, sauna, whirlpool, snack bar for a house we are thinking of building.
Now I will send him a link to the "love swing". I bet I will get a lot better response to him with that.
I wonder if we could put the love swing in the shower, sauna, whirlpool, snack bar thingy?
Love swing??? I think I need to look that up, do you leave up all the time??
I was wondering how we would explain it to the kids or our mother. Maybe we could convince them it is a plant hanger?
Yeah just lug a BIG-O plant up in it when not in use. Maybe no one will pay it any attention
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